Narcoslepsy: new TV show about DEA cops who do nothing except nap.

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I found out that “Shut your face I’m fabulous” is not recommended language in an employee evaluation rebuttal. – X.

(For anyone of you guys wondering: even if there is no actual ‘comment’ or ‘rebuttal’ space provided, I’ve found that a really red marker with a wide tip tends to overpower anything else on the page; thus, any section becomes a ‘rebuttal/comment’ place if you need one.)

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The following is either a sublime joke – or not…

I went to the U of A Research Center to test my aptitude for being in a focus group. Since it paid well, I wanted the gig for extra cash.
After filling out a mountain of paperwork and doing 2 psychological batteries, I proceeded to the next round.

I made this picture, because it is a true story – and the person in question was so befuddled that I could almost see the question mark floating in the air above his head.

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“I think we both look happy because it is very apparent that both of us have a personal relationship with pizza.” – X

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This is the selfie I wish would have been possible this morning. Let’s see how much the neighbor loves animals, too.

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Because over-simplification really gets the ‘get-out-and-argue-pointlessly’ crowd.

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“Not all honors are equal. Being voted ‘Best Bowler’ at the Las Vegas Missing Fingers Convention isn’t necessarily an accomplishment.” (PS: If you’ve ever ‘won’ an Employee Of the Month award, please accept both my apologies and congratulations, no snark intended. All I’ve won is the prestigious “Still-Not-Fired” award, subject to change. As Dane Cook more or less quipped, “If you work at a place that has Employee of the Month awards, you are not only the biggest winner but the biggest loser as well.)

As you start your week: This world wields an unforgiving indiscriminate hammer.

Anyone who fools himself into thinking he’s indispensable has usually not suffered the tragedy of losing someone close unexpectedly in the blink of an eye, of fire cleansing his life of everything, or even an aberrant plane falling from the sky. I forget as I go through life that many of those I’m smirking at in disdain for their unrealistic attitude of indispensability have been lucky enough to forego this unforgiving lesson. People who know me often forget that it is an essential part of my minimalist, irreverent nature. I know that several people who know me also misunderstand just how fundamentally different my brain actually works. It’s a struggle for me to pretend to care about scratches in the paint, a few dollars in the profit margin, or even that my shirt is inside-out. I’ve lived half a century, a surprising gift, but I am as equally contemptuous of the incessant importance of trivial concerns as I’ve ever been. Your next morning is going to meet you with whatever plan is at hand and no matter how well prepared you think you are or how necessary you think your presence might be, the dice are going to roll.

It’s not gossip if it’s just people talking. Secrets are basically impossible in this modern age of communication. You are welcome.

(Unlike Carly Simon, “Yes, this post is about you.”)

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There is nothing quite like listening to “Ride of the Valkyries” at high volume in a space bigger than most churches to underscore each and every single wrong decision one has made in one’s life.

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Any expressed exaggerated anticipation of the weekend is a de facto admission of loathing toward one’s own job; or, at minimum, a failure to appreciate the precious linear diminishing of those moments still available to you. (Edit: this means that the seminal classic “Everybody’s Working for the Weekend” is in fact a denunciation of work.)

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I ate about 50 asparagus stalks last night. It seems I now have superpowers, but not ones that polite society might admire.

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I applied for a patent for a Polychromatic Atmospheric Dispersion device. The idea is to propel 1700 pounds of multi-colored particles into the lower atmosphere. When it rains, the colors would fall with rain droplets, covering the ground below with hundreds of distinct colors. The patent office replied, “Get your head out of the clouds.” I’m not sure if this is a “Yes” or “No” vote. It might anger many people, but I bet the interesting people would be outside, laughing and enjoying the spectacle.

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“Nobody thinks you are funny, X,” he said. “Good, then nobody can laugh,” I replied. (Although it is odd to me when someone speaks for everyone.)

(The picture is one I made with a quote from the book “Dune.”)

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This is a huge list of humor I wrote while in Hot Springs. I filled at least 70 index cards with notes and recipes for disaster. As always, you have my word that you will laugh at least once if you digest the intended stupidity of these.

 

Question, Mark?

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You know you’ve been reading too much crazy stuff when you decide to stop and put on lipstick, and especially when you don’t wear lipstick.

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If you’re dead but behind the wheel, you are guilty of over-age drinking.

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UNICORN

UNIBEAN

UNICABBAGE

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How do you like those pants with straps? Over-all, I liked them.

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I’m going to start a company and file bankruptcy the first day. It is a non-startup.

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I’m going to start a portable office company and call it “Out of Office.” Not only will we never be able to get emails, but you can’t call our office phones either, because we are Out Of Office.

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The only thing more annoying than an IT guy is 2 IT guys. There’s no joke here, just truth.

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Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum Wi-Fi: Like regular wireless internet, except you have to climb a 100-ft. tower to use it.

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Now I know why they told me a battered-then-boiled fish company would fail.

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Why do we have to ‘beat the odds?’ Can’t we just slightly overcome them and avoid all the violence?

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If t-ball is baseball for kids then T-ball should be the name for adult baseball.

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Because my cousin’s wife wasn’t familiar with American food, she went to Vietnam to find MASH potatoes. (A joke for the old folks.)

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“Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Can’t we use our modern science to find out exactly where this is by now?

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Why is that “I’m going to mop the floor with you” is a threat but “I’m going to sweep the floor with you” is somehow humorous and stupid?

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If I were Hillary, I would steal her own nickname and start calling myself “Crooked Hillary.” She could of course also start calling Trump “Baboon Ass,” too, but we gotta keep it classy.

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Difficult analogy: I dreamed I was at a Trump rally, followed by one in which I attended a Mensa conference. Talk about an exclusive Venn Diagram!

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“Stuck In The Middle With You” should be a name for a spin-off to the popular ABC comedy, except in this version, actual viewers will be in the show, trapped in a loop, just like on “Groundhog Day.”

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Instead of drop-down menus, all my GUIs will “Surprise!” menus that randomly explode into view. (A joke to techs.)

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I sometimes wish I had changed my name to “L,” so people could tell other people to go to “L” if they needed something.

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If you have more than one vowel in your name, you are selfish. Somewhere, a kid named Kpdnm is really unhappy.

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As a trick at the checkout line, I’m going to market a nonchewing gum.

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“Lord of The Rungs” would be a long movie about a walk up a really long ladder.

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“Gilligan’s Peninsula” would have been an equally great but short-lived show. As they say in real estate, location is important.

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Pomposity, like its cousin obesity, is a real killer in the United States.

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“They found him dead, floating in a lake of sterile water.”

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I stole all the car alarms from the 11 neighbors around my house. I replaced them with beepers that beep when the alarm button is pressed. Six months later, no one has noticed – and not a single car has been stolen.

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“The unexamined life is not worth living,” someone smart once said. To my stalkers, Socrates was referring to being contemplative, not in using a zoom lens or peering over my fence.

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Each time my neighbor three doors down cleans his pool, I’ve went over at 3 a.m. and put at least 100 packets of lime Kool-Aid mix in there. I wonder if the kids who swim in the pool suddenly crave margaritas or carne asada.

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“I don’t watch a lot of TV,” said the person who can’t be completely honest.

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Every single one of us knows a person who we constantly wonder whether he or or she was dropped from the crib, but had parents who were too afraid to tell anyone.

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“You’ve got a problem.” When I hear one person say it to another, I always think, “Yeah, he does – and it is you.”

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I am going to do one of those white trash shows for TLC. My plan is to pretend to be backwater rednecks who have educational jobs. I’m calling it “Cleverly Hillbillies.”

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One positive outcome about all nonsense about guns is that you get to see the inevitable result of people not paying attention in social science class.

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I fell down the stairs. Yes, because you pushed me. Just because you shout “Gravity Check” before you do it doesn’t make it a science project.

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ABC was going to do an ice skating show called “Philosophers On Ice,” but they spent too long thinking about it.

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If you hate the movie and drive away, technically it is now a “Drive Out” Movie Theater.

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The United States of America(n) Express.

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Why is there “Texas toast,” but not “Texas French Toast?” Is that too much geography for breakfast?

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Why are packages of tartar sauce marked as ‘creamy tartar sauce?’ Have you ever seen or desired ‘crunchy tartar sauce?’

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For reasons all too obvious, I think it is only proper that all IT techs cook with Extra-Virgin olive oil.

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I tried that new Medieval Diet thing. Those racks hurt way worse than you would think. It turns out I was in the wrong room. I did lose 12 pounds, though, although I am going to miss my left arm.

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Just as I started down the Yellow Brick Road, the color-blind guy ran up behind me and screamed “It’s a Cook Book.” There is nothing better than a “Twilight Zone” and “Wizard of Oz” hybrid joke coming together like this.

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If possession is 9/10s of the law, why aren’t people who need exorcisms all rich?

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A few people have half-jokingly asked me, “X, can you make your stories shorter?” I reply, “Yes of course, if you will do me the reciprocal favor of doing the same with the second date on your tombstone.” I’m joking of course, but I am fascinated, watching them mentally work it out and ponder whether I’m being rude.

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Having a week off from a job really reinforces the stupidity of how almost every facet of our economy functions. I don’t hate my job – just every single thing about it, other than the cool people I interact with. The rest of them should please lick the blades of a metal fan as soon as they can find one.

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I’d like to be in charge of Career Day for 2^nd Graders. Instead of calm, professional people, I’d invite the crazy ones, working the jobs that no one appreciates or would ever seek out. There would be no need to discuss further the value of a good education.

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Instead of spending so much for speed trap enforcement, I say let’s combine pranks with getting the message across. Set up road signs indicating “Speed Enforcement Zone Ahead.” Then, about a mile up, have actors pretend to be both cop and caught speeder. Have the cop tase the crap out of the speeder as unsuspecting drivers pass by. On the side, have about 9 different people pretending to be tased and passed out nearby.

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News at 9: “Local Man Shot 17 Times By Police.” If I ever get shot, it had better be an even number.

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When someone tells me that they avidly believe in Astrology, I immediately wonder why evolution doesn’t immediately step in and drop a meteorite from the sky on their head. Of course, that would be confirmation bias to those witnesses who also believe in Astrology.

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I hate to constantly sound like I’m picking on smokers. I only mean to do it for 94% of the time.

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It’s a bad idea to hide your whiskey in a maple syrup bottle. If you don’t believe me, just ask my Aunt Jessie. She spent a week with me and my wife and surprised us with breakfast. I’ve never seen anyone doing dishes in the morning while drunk.

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I wasn’t feeling quite right that day, so I drove to work entirely on Off Ramps.

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I bought a Bible for my best friend who moved here from a foreign country – and tore out very specific pages. I want him to wonder if Jesus is still walking around, taking names.

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Some say that “religion is an opiate for the masses.” That guy obviously never snorted very thin pieces of paper.

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I kept entering the Yeti Giveaway contest. After a month, I called, expecting some b.s. response when I asked if the giveaway was today. “Not yeti,” they said, and hung up, laughing.

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I don’t understand weather reports which always add ‘dangerous’ to the word ‘flooding’ in news reports. Doesn’t anyone remember Noah? Is there a such thing as a benign flood?

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Prime rib. This is why people believe that cannibalism might still exist.

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I made some friends this week. Additionally, I’m thinking that I might have also made the “Watch” list of other people or been noted as suspicious, or ‘needing medication.’ From a couple of the hotel desk clerks in Hot Springs to our waiter Allister at the Brick House, there were some interesting people fluttering about. Other than having to look at one specific person’s horrific haircut, I was surrounded by both wit and interesting people. I’m appreciative of the opportunity to have been in Hot Springs and learn so much and don’t want my total lack of decorum in story-telling to cause anyone to think otherwise. (Except for the guy with that haircut. I was going to post a picture of his hair to prove it, except he is very vain about his hair – even though he murdered it with whatever happened at his hair stylist to have caused Hairicane Katrina to be on his head.) (I am still laughing about the name “Hairicane Katrina,” by the way.)

During the conference this week, I stayed at a hotel I will call the Frampton Inn to protect their integrity. Evidently, they are in the middle of a massive renovation project – or a badly-executed game of large scale Jenga in which everyone is playing by a different set of rules. In the past, this hotel has been excellent and well maintained. They are redoing the facade of the building, as well as the hallways and rooms. But they are telling no one when reservations are made that it looks like a refugee camp. It’s like a Christmas surprise, except in this case, we are crying and throwing our yuletide gifts out the window. The hotel feels like it is being used to re-enact a war scene from Lebanon. And not the good war scenes either, where the hero is climbing across rubble to save someone. In this movie, everyone is lying dehydrated on the ground, dirty, begging for someone to shoot them and take them away from the misery. (In other words, it is exactly like Parent-Teacher conferences.)

When my wife and I checked in, I noticed some aberrations from the normal. Chiefly among them, there was a gap running the entire handle side of the room door, wider than a quarter. I could sit on the bed and see the door across the hallway – with the door shut. The couch looked like a roving band of angry Scotsmen had used it for knife training. When I opened the curtain, a startled Hispanic male almost fell off the scaffolding, as he was crouched away from the sun, using his cellphone. This hotel has always been nice, in my opinion, both with great staff and maintained like a modern motel. I’m guessing that the renovation prompted management to do nothing pending the other work being done, sort of like we do at work after a meeting. Luckily, the front desk clerk allowed us to move to the top floor. The only catch was that she told us they would be working from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. on the roof and that it might be loud. Might be loud? Had the International Jackhammer and Cymbal Symphony been practicing up there, it could not have possibly been louder. And I think they had their watches synchronized to 3 times zones away, as their interpretation of the hours of work seemed to have been determined by randomly throwing a dart at a calendar from 2002 – and then doing shots.

Even though you think I might be exaggerating, the hotel staff had TAPED the room numbers on our doors. I think they used a computer to print the numbers and then just gave up, ripping the numbers into squares and using scotch tape to place them on the doors. I have pictures to prove it, as I realize that this sounds nuts. Additionally, the contractors used pencils and markers to make notes on the hallway walls and door jambs. As you all know, I routinely travel with pens, pencils and markers. This fact presented me with a moral dilemma: should I switch the room numbers or add additional notes to confuse the workers? It seemed appropriate to not limit myself and instead do a little of each and observe the consequences, if any.

The first morning, I listened as the Indian manager had a conversation with the Latina housekeeping supervisor. Both were struggling to speak another language and get their points across. After the manager had walked away, I surprised the housekeeping supervisor by speaking to her. In Spanish, I told her to remember to go to the 5th floor and retrieve the extra linen from the tents where the guests without assigned rooms had stayed the night before. I added some details to add legitimacy to my directions. Behind me, one of the Hispanic contractors was on stilts, working on the ceiling. He listened to me as I talked to the housekeeping supervisor. I think he was ‘on to me,’ given the facial expressions he exhibited. I added, “And tell that guy behind me if he feels so short to find a better way to compensate, because stilts are dangerous.” I forgot to mention – there is no 5th floor on this building, so I can only assume that the housekeeper imagined that tents had been erected on the roof of the hotel overnight and guests had been staying up there. The fact that she didn’t immediately object tells me that this crazy idea of mine in some way probably sounded like something management would have come up with. In case you are wondering, after I got another cup of delicious coffee from the lobby, I told her I was just joking and introduced myself. She laughed and laughed. The guy on stilts was named Jorge and he told me that management at the hotel had no sense of humor whatsoever. Although I’m not sure he got the joke, I told him, “You are always looking down on people, though, Jorge.”

As for tomfoolery, I put an exit sign directly on the 4th floor window facing Temperance Hill Road. I kept hoping to hear a thunderous crash of glass as someone ran through the hallway and dived out the new “exit window,” instead of the stairs to the left. I couldn’t bring myself to switch any of the room numbers, despite the ensuing guaranteed shenanigans as strangers tried to enter the wrong rooms, or started complaining that their keys wouldn’t work. I did write “Needs Jacuzzi installed” in English and Spanish next to the door of a room which was being totally renovated. I’m wondering if the contractors will check, or will actually install a new Jacuzzi in that room. “You’re welcome,” I say to all the future guests who will benefiting from a possibly free Jacuzzi upgrade to their room. Even though one of the contractors saw me, I also wrote “Extremely Slow Escalator” on the 2nd floor sign next to the stairs.

(The general method to the contractors system could best be described by the words “pandemonium,” or “mixed martial arts involving hammers.”)

I didn’t want to go too far, being a guest of people who expect the utmost professionalism at all times – despite them having inexplicably and foolishly invited me to come and stay. I amused myself by making a list of things I should have done. It’s bad when you find yourself laughing at your own stupid ideas. I’m convinced I added a lot of fun and levity to several of the people’s work, other than that one guy who probably is still stuck upside down on the scaffolding. (As for him, he now understands that it is the LAW of gravity, rather than a suggestion, in a way he previously hadn’t considered.)

Dawn will tell you that I joked with all the hotel staff, even getting them to participate in the goofiness, especially the rumor that a roving band of barking dogs was bothering the guests. It seemed possible. If Hot Springs is the City of Dreams, then surely someone might have brought their own pack of roving dogs to experience it.

As an anecdote, one of the other guests we knew said that when she checked into the hotel, she noticed that the soap had been used, then put back into the box, still slightly frothy from use. It sounds gross – and it is, but it turned out that it wasn’t hotel staff who were guilty of being involved. Another guest, one who decided not to stay at that hotel, had done like he always did and used the box for storage while staying there. The staff just assumed that the room was still pristine and hadn’t checked the boxes. Why would they? And by the way, as weird as I am, it would never occur to me to store the soap back inside the box, surrounded by all that water. I loved this story, though, as two people who knew each other were comparing hotel stories, only to find out that one had actually caused the other guest’s crazy story. Had they not known each other and talked about it, all of us would have believed that the hotel was recycling soap to save money.

The hotel wasn’t much to look at during this visit, but it did provide a verbal playground and that’s hard to put a price tag on. I’m thinking about writing the corporate office and telling them that I didn’t appreciate having to stay on the 5th floor in a tent, or to listen to roving dogs bark all night, or being ridiculed by people on stilts calling me ‘short,’ just to see how they respond. As I think about it, though, I wouldn’t want corporate to step in an deny anyone the right to experience the Frampton Inn in the same way I did. You will need earplugs and a wish to find fun in normally uncomfortable situations if you stay there. But it is there, waiting, if you seek it.

And bring some magic markers with you! Love, X

(The picture in the is at least some proof that I didn’t make all this craziness up.)