Category Archives: Whimsical

A List For Yesterday

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Don’t you ever wonder if members of the Blue Man Group ever start feeling racist about all the other colors?

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“Chill Satan” is one of the best ways to tell someone they’re being an ass. I just thought I’d share that with you. Edit: I’ve heard it 4 times in two days. It must be a trend.

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It’s ironic that 9 Lives Cat Food would issue a product recall. Don’t all its customers have 9 lives or what?

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Proud or not proud? I just spent three minutes convincing someone who speaks English as a second language that the real lyrics to “White Christmas” are “I’m dreaming of a white christian.” He didn’t even blink when I told him VP Mike Pence ordered the change.

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As I exited the elevators on the bottom floor, a couple of well-educated women waited for entry. Another person turned the corner quickly and darted inside the elevator I’d just exited. He turned and waved his hand between the doors, indicating to the two women that they should ride with him.

One of the women asked, with a serious tone, “But does this elevator go to the SAME up?”

The gentleman holding the elevator looked at me incredulously. I couldn’t help it as I guffawed in raucous laughter.

The two women were not amused.

I hope the elevator did indeed take them to the same UP we all know so well.

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Springdale, Arkansas is the first American city to prove that metamorphosis (shape-shifting) is possible: several wildcats spontaneously became bulldogs.

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“Pay osculatory homage to my posterior” sounds far more elegant than its vulgar cousin on a Monday morning. Not to the guy I just quoted it to – but in general. May your Monday be filled with poetic snark. ‘Tis the season.

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Smug: me catching heck all year for abandoning all respect for grammar and orthography – & now seeing literally everyone misspelling the fancy dessert they’re all making.

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Apparently, “As foretold by the prophecy” is an unwelcome answer to the traditional “Good morning!” greeting.

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John knew he had married badly when his wife fell in the shark tank during their honeymoon and the sharks all jumped out.

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Niche and targeted marketing are going too far. (Or Stove Top now markets cannibal-themed flavors.)

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Nothing Ventured

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I’m announcing that I’m giving away $25,000 worth of Walmart merchandise. Whether you can get through the door of the store with it is your problem.

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During the interminable meeting, I stood and threw a cup of buffalo sauce on my boss as he spoke. Before he could extricate himself from his chair I hurled a cup of ranch on him.

He stood, angrily wiping the running mixture from his face. “Have you lost your mind? What did you do that for?!” He shouted.

“Well if you’re going to wing it, I’m going to provide the sauce.”

Meeting adjourned.

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The unintended benefit of using Halloween as a pretext to startle and scare coworkers in the semi-dark parking garage is that several of them involuntarily reveal they have concealed carry permits.

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Intolerably Titled Blog Post

 

The police asked me to describe the assailant.

“Visible fart” was all I could think of to say to describe him – and the police took note of it and left, evidently with such a suspect already in mind.

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“I lost my sanity,” I said. The police searched for days but could find no proof that I ever owned it.

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I was experimenting with Instagram. Under ‘recommended beauty filters,’ the #1 recommendation: “avoid the public.”

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I called the Poison Control Center out of instinct. It turns out that finding out that a close friend, co-worker, or family member has overdosed on stupid isn’t a valid reason to call them.

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There are 7,647,106,854 living people on this earth with you now. 318,750 people were born today – so far. 132,000 people have died already today. It’s impossible to imagine that one million people die each week. Yet, here we are, arguing over semicolons, sports affiliations, and whether it’s appropriate to wear striped shirts or drink white wine with pork.

 

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They tried cutting his leg off with a chainsaw, his head with a guillotine, and his hands with a butcher knife. All three cutting tools shattered in the attempt. He was a new superhero: The Indivisible Man.

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Stolen joke: “He needs to build a bridge so he can get over himself.”

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“X, it looks like you padded your work history.” The H.R. Manager of Trinity Music Publishing informed me. “We can’t hire you.”

“What gave it away?” I asked.

“It’s not so much that you claimed to have been Lead Air Guitarist for Journey. It’s that everyone knows there were no musicians in that band, real or imaginary.”

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It turns out that the phrase, “Stick a fork in it” is not literal. To the guys on the other softball team, my apologies. You sure didn’t sound like winners, though

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If you believe that everything happens for a reason, can you please explain your fashion choices? From my point of view, it looks like the definition of either ‘random’ or ‘lost and found box.’

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Overheard Strange Conversation: “…sir, I don’t care who you are, the Lactation Area isn’t for ‘interested observers.’ ”

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In lieu of spending a night in Branson last night after seeing Reza the Illusionist, I reserved a place in Monett, Missouri. We chose a Tex-Mex place to eat, one which was deceptively large inside. We had to circle the establishment more than once to dart into a recently emptied parking spot. Even compared to the eateries we left behind in Branson, we ate like kings. Though the idea of a night in Monett sounds like a premise to a joke, it turned out to be a fortuitous and interesting place to stay. Downtown seemed to be dipped in another time. It was obvious to me that someone was diligently attempting to breathe new life into its streets. Perhaps some of the charm derived from the lengthening shadows as daylight diminished. It’s a place I would love to spend a few mornings walking the pre-dawn streets. Returning to the hotel, we were astonished to find that the wi-fi supported our FireTV. I had packed it on a whim. We watched the shirtless comedian Bert Kreisher, laughing at his stupidity and insight. And so it came to pass that I pondered that I would somehow remember spending the night in Monett, for delicate and inexplicable reasons which sound a little odd to anyone listening.

 

If It Pleases the Court…

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Office Depot has a WWE / WWF corner…

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“Fruit of the loon” is the best way I’ve ever heard to describe someone who is as inexplicable as his or her parents.

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2 lessons I’ve learned from Oregonians:

“Never ride a horse in the living room.”

“Only shut the fridge door if you head isn’t in it.”

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The first time I sing “Happy Thursday” to the melody of “Happy Birthday,” it’s funny. The 40th time, though, Identifies those with impulse control.

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I give you the bird.

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I think the studio should do two versions of the movie biopic about Queen’s Freddie Mercury: one normal version, and another in which he substitutes yodeling for the normal lyrics of all the big hits. The studio could record all the angry and confused moviegoers and release THAT footage as another movie. You’re welcome, Hollywood.

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…Instead of saying ” Hello ” or ” Good Morning, ” I used one of my old favorites and told 40 people ” DiGiorno ! ” to see how many understood what I was saying. Conclusion: the pizza company will undoubtedly experience a sales spike thanks to my subliminal nonsense.

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“Sauerkraut is what you eat when you need a reminder that all your gastrointestinal parts have a role to play. Sauerkraut is the bassoon of the bowels.” – X

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After an hour of listening to the manager drone on and on about trivial buzzwords, I realized why we all were required to wear safety gear in the conference room. The sign above the manager’s head indicated: ” Extremely High Doltage – Danger of Elocution. ”

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My enthusiasm was so diminished that I had only had enough energy for one shenanigan.

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I asked Marvel to include a new superhero in the Avengers: The Yodeler. Can you imagine the strange looks from surprised villains as he enters a room, yodeling at the top of his lungs? Plus, if the character is killed off, it’s a given that he doesn’t have any friends who will mourn his untimely death.

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Springdale Horror House Afternoon

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By way of preface, I live in a relatively new neighborhood. It abuts an older area behind my house. As a bona fide weirdo myself, I can only say that a couple of the people behind me would be ideal characters in any movie plot involving dysfunctional and possibly homicidal misfits. When I was having internet fiber cable installed, I only had a few seconds to warn the crouched technician as one of the eccentric neighbors made his slurred and erratic approach toward us and the fence line.
“Pretend that the ‘Adams Family’ is real. You’re about to meet all of them rolled into one person,” I told him. The technician quizzically looked up and then over at the approaching person. “Wow” was his description of the encounter afterward. “I’ve seen a lot in my years.”
This afternoon, I went outside to chase a squirrel from my bird feeders. Like most houses with questionable pedigree, the residents of one of the houses behind me strive to let the yard grow wild, possibly in hopes of concealing whatever might go on there. I’m constantly battling the encroachment of the foliage and critters which call it home. Everything about the house indicates that its current trajectory will land it on an episode of “Hoarders” or “Crime Scenes of America.”
While I’m not positive that the sounds originated from the yard in question today, I froze as I stood in my small backyard. Even if I were given 20 guesses, I’m not sure I could have determined the real origin of the squawks and murmurs I heard as I went outside. The overcast sky and rain-filled air didn’t add anything wholesome to the fact that the back of my neck was tingling as I listened.
I went back inside and found my Nikon digital camera in hopes of capturing the unnatural sounds just as much as the visual if anything ran out of the house missing an arm or shouting in an unknown language. While finding a clear space in the overgrown foliage, I noticed something unusual: a 3-foot blue and white bunny rabbit hanging by a rope about 10 feet from the dark porch.
“Oh hell no!” I told myself as I went back inside and pretended it was just a normal day in East Springdale.
I enjoy a good horror movie but choose not to be the guy getting told “Don’t go in there!” by those watching.

The Invisible Post

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NBC has opted to pick up my latest TV pilot tentatively titled “Unfinished Business.” It’s a prank show in which we scare the daylights out of people momentarily after they enter the bathroom.

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“Take a bite out of crime” is the worst diet advice I’ve ever heard.

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Motivational quote By the time you get there you're gonna stink.

Motivational Quote: By the time you get there, you’re gonna stink.

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Friends in their 20s, stock photo.

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“It’s not rocket séance.”

This should be the new cliché, especially given the current trends.

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“You can run but you can’t hide” is a really strange saying to teach a kid, if you think about it.

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when it's bean burrito day at the cafeteria at work

Bean Burrito Day at work…

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The first time I sing “Happy Thursday” to the melody of “Happy Birthday,” it’s funny. The 40th time, though, Identifies those with impulse control.

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“80% of people dislike their jobs.” – Whoever cited this study is an optimist.

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She had Bette Davis eyes; unfortunately, though, she had Danny Trejo’s face.

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Most people are familiar with albino animals. For whatever reason, most aren’t aware of melanism, which is the opposite of albinism.

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Concert attendees of last night’s Luke Bryan AMP performance were initially perplexed by the show commencing 30 minutes early. It turns out one of the stage crew members had accidentally hammered his own hand near an open mic.

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I’m glad he went to medical school after the RN program in Oakland expelled him. ‘Nurse Dre.’ Is way less cool than “Dr. Dre.”

An Allegory Of It

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The light summer evening rain faded after a couple of minutes. I walked for quite a while along the edge of a long ridge as I admired the vista that was unfolding in front of me.

The air pressure seemed to plummet.

The horizon’s colors evaporated and the air slowed. The lazy blue sky darkened as the lighter clouds coalesced into ribbons of black. Insects ceased their instinctive chatter. For a brief moment, I could hear the faint murmur of what sounded like thousands of voices. Though I could see no one, something on the horizon was watching me.

Whatever it might be sensed that I was observing it and the voices immediately ceased. I could feel it shift to make its approach. My hair didn’t stand on end but I felt like falling to the damp ground. My stomach gurgled and my neck constricted like it often does at that moment immediately prior to nausea. “It” slowed as it crossed the flat valley, stopping near a large solitary tree. As it hovered, the tree lost form and its living leaves began to swirl and shimmer as if they had become thousands of imperceptible insects. The nothingness of the ‘it’ enveloped the tree and began to coalesce along the fertile ground.

Oddly, I stood my ground, my curiosity in defiance to self-preservation. After decades of walking the earth, it seemed as if the worst truth would still be a comfort to me.

“Not today,” a quiet voice whispered, literally in the air.

My chest compressed as ‘it’ passed over me and through me. I could feel the interminable nature of it as it passed.

After it went, I stood motionless, watching the sky infuse with sapphire hues again.

As I stepped toward the place where the tree once stood, the insects began to chirp and hum again.

My pace quickened. I knew that all my steps were now counted and measured.