Win One For the Quipper

high jump

I disguised one of my jokes in a picture of myself, having a Ted Cruz moment with my cat.

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The power of ‘no’ is too often tempered by the ‘maybe’ of not wanting to anger your friends or family.
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In an ongoing dislike of sports, I re-named jump rope to ‘jump nope.’
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“It’s only negativity when other people are saying it.”
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One of Richard Nixon’s actual campaign slogans was this: “They can’t lick our Dick.” Absolutely true historical observation – nothing dirty about it.
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“Don’t sweat the small stuff.” While this statement is great, it is equally true that it is passive-aggressive as hell, as it allows disengaged or unfamiliar people to judge the largely hidden issues you are experiencing.
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“I wouldn’t ask you to engage with the horse you rode in. Animal cruelty is where I draw the line. And who is to say the horse has no standards?” – Best opening line for a new comedy movie I have no interest in writing.
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“Focus on the positive.” Another great cliché. But sometimes, you must shout your irritation and/or disagreement when it isn’t convenient for bystanders, even if the pastor is just getting started.
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“It could be worse.” Yes, that’s true. And I will gleefully remind you of that when I’ve yanked off your yellow $70 scarf and asphyxiated you with it. It could definitely be worse – for you.
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When the boss says, “We’ll figure it out,” in case you haven’t noticed, this is management code for “I have no idea. Let’s wing it and see which side of the bread lands on the floor.”
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It was a sad day for Batman. But not for Gloveman, Baseman, or Flyballman.
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In a mad rush to get away from work and all the anguish he suffered there, he found himself standing in an open field, half-naked, laughing, and joyous. It took the police four tasers to get him handcuffed.
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This world is not the worst of all possible imaginable worlds. I know this because in this world, Adam Sandler at least makes fewer movies than he could.
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“Work hard and work will be its own reward.” Another quote from that guy. You know the one, the asshole.
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New Salary Overtime Rules

Do you or someone you know work in a salary position earning less than $50,000 a year?

Caveat: read closely. This post is not about me, my wife or anyone in my household. But if you are on salary, earning less than $50,000 a year, this affects you significantly. It affects millions of people but oddly, many of my friends, family and co-workers know nothing about this fundamental shift in laws affecting salary pay and overtime exemption.

We all know someone at work who routinely works 60 or more hours a week. They are usually salaried and exempt from overtime, as the current law says the bottom for exemption is around $24,000 a year. Whether they work 40 or 70 hours a week, they make the same salary. Most employers pay their employees well and treat them well. For those that don’t, this is going to be interesting.

Finally, after almost 40 years, the federal government is moving forward to make significant changes for those workers who are both salary and make less than around $50,000 a year. Again, it is changing the threshold from around $24,000 to about double that amount. The current minimum was set decades ago and wasn’t intended to be used as it is currently functioning.

This means if you earn less than $50,000 a year and are paid a salary regardless of hours worked that your employer is going to be held accountable to track all your hours worked and pay you overtime for any over 40 – or raise your pay to over $50K to keep you exempt from overtime.

It’s going to be fascinating to watch businesses struggle to be in compliance. In my example, I know someone who routinely works 12 or more hours a day. In the future, her employer is going to be required to track her hours worked. If she isn’t given a raise to be over the new $50,000 minimum, she is going to be paid overtime for all the hours worked over 40. She will get a better picture of what an hour of her time is worth and the employer can do the same.

Meanwhile, the slackers she works with who are sneaking out every day working the minimum 8 a day are going to be getting a hard look by the employer. If those slackers are making $50,000 or more a year and are salaried and exempt from overtime, it would make sense for the employer to throw more work on them, as there would be no additional burden on the company financially to get more work out of them. The same will no longer be true for the salaried non-exempt people earning less.

Once all the fear and goofiness subsides, the market will be better suited to compensate people for time worked and those employers who are using the salary-exempt model to exploit workers are going to amend their misguided way of doing business.

Just an FYI.

Tipping

I’ll start by saying that tipping at restaurants isn’t something that has existed for a long time. Its origins come from owners needing to pay their employees less, not as a reward. It is one of the biggest and dumbest myths that many people perpetuate.

PS: The biggest misconception of all is that waitstaff who strive to give better service are better rewarded: they aren’t. Studies continue to demonstrate that it simply isn’t true. It is another misconception related to our mistaken belief that harder work yields greater pay.

“Adam Ruins Everything.”   Snippet of “Adam Ruins Everything”   Watch the full episode regarding restaurants, if you can find it or have TruTV. If you watch this episode, you will undoubtedly at least be receptive to discontinuing the tradition of tipping, especially if you follow the statistics and studies that demonstrate that tipping is not effective in improving service and perpetuates a bad relationship between customer, owner, and server. Otherwise, google ‘tipping’ and how it all came about and you’ll have a different perspective on the argument of tipping.

If the tipping system seems antiquated and simply stupid to you, I agree totally.

The entire tipping system is broken and many of us know it. Like most people I know, I tip well. Sometimes, even when the service seems to have been provided by the most hateful and forgetful person on the planet, I tip well. When I don’t, I give it to the next server I encounter. We are victimized by the stupidity of the tipping system in restaurants. Studies show that the amount of the tip is more likely to be based on random criteria and issues not related to your eating and service experience. Despite the evidence, many servers are in favor of the tipping system, mistakenly believing that can earn more this way. While some might, the anecdotal evidence is dismissed by facts of studies which show little correlation between tips and effort.

By earning a decent wage instead of relying on tipping, servers would gain the ability to plan for fair, consistent wages. Most of us would love to live in a society which demands a living wage instead of a minimum wage. Everyone bitches and moans about what a living wage is, or gets upset that someone else seems to be making more than we feel they might be worth, but those are separate issues. Personally, I would love to see an immediate change wherein waitstaff earns at least minimum wage. Restaurant owners who can’t compete when they are required to pay at least the minimum simply should go out of business. Again, no other industry gets by with the kind of unfair wage structure that restaurants can push on their employees by using a tip wage system.

To restaurant owners – go ahead, include the expected tip in the price of my meal, and pay the servers a good wage. Instead of seeing you advertise a 2-for-$20 special, I will know in reality that it is actually 2-for-$25 or $30. I’m good with that. That is what I’m paying anyway. I’d rather know how much it costs me “all-in.” It also allows me to go to the manager or owner and demand quality, speed and service without personalizing the involvement of the server in our transaction. It’s the owner’s responsibility to ensure all the details result in the agreed-upon transaction, including if the server is disorganized or terrible at his or her job. It’s the owner’s job to staff enough servers, to train them, as well as to ensure that the expected functions of the job are being performed. If he or she doesn’t, that deficiency is between the server and owner, rather than me and the server. Instead of forcing the manager to explain our bad experience, the server suffers, while the manager or owner rarely does.

While not all dining out is a luxury, much of it is. It sounds spoiled to whine about a modest increase, if any, to the price we pay for the privilege of having someone else serve us food. We can pay our fair share for a better system. If it means we eat out one time a year less, that’s not a reasonable burden to invoke as an excuse to continue to victimize employees of restaurants.

It is ridiculous that restaurants are allowed to pit me against the person bringing me my food and drinks. This doesn’t happen in other industries. Every aspect of what the waitstaff does or does not do is between them and their employer; yet, we participate in a system which allows waitstaff to be victimized or underpaid. No mistake about it, it is the employer’s job to pay their staff a living wage. Include the cost of their employment in the price of the food and eliminate the issues involved with tipping.

How often do we get irritated at the server? He or she doesn’t determine how many servers are available to help the fluctuating number of customers. They also don’t get to decide how many other functions they are expected to perform in addition to regular waitstaff duties. They don’t cook the food, decide on quality issues, or inspect the dishes. Yet, instead of focusing on these truths, we tend to continue to blame the server. All of these things are the owner’s fault, not the server. Servers want to do a good job, just as all of us do strive to do in our own work. If anything is wrong with the meal, it is the owner’s fault to fix. The idiocy of removing the person who owns the place or manages it continues to plague us.

Managers know when there aren’t enough servers or if a specific server isn’t quite performing. As a customer, it is none of my business as to the process behind the food I’m paying for. The owners and managers are tasked with providing the food and service in the expected way. It’s not our job to tell you when the food is bad or the service is inadequate. You expect us to reward or punish your employee serving us, when in reality, it is you who should be directly punished. Many of us don’t return food or ask for a fix precisely because servers hold great power over our ability to continue a life without having eaten a pool of their spit. I will go out on a limb and say that most times, bad service has nothing to do with the server at all. The next time you are having bad service, stop the conversation at your table and discuss it openly. Chances are, the owner hasn’t staffed enough servers, or the server is doing another function that should be addressed by another type of employee.

Managers might whine about not having enough employees or blame the competition. The competition is experiencing the same job market that you are, with the same expectations. Like any other industry, you need to compete on a level playing field by paying employees a fair wage for the work they perform.

People are smart and innovation is never in short supply. There will be restaurants which figure out how to serve good food and pay their employees very well. It is a myth that demanding a living wage for servers will result in an industry meltdown. It’s an easy cry for mercy, but it is one drowned out by the lack of fairness under the current tip wage system.

Servers, if customers have mistreated you, we stand with you. Kick the customers out, permanently, if necessary. Until we get rid of this horrible tipping system, if you’ve been shorted the customary tip despite providing good service, I am sorry. The system allows people to not tip if that is their wish, for whatever reason. It sucks. Most of us agree. The reality is that we should have never been forced into a tipping system in the first place. Getting out of it is going to be almost impossible.

Most eateries and corporations don’t care about our feedback -and when we don’t tip, we punish the server instead of the management team whose job it is to ensure quality food and service. Let’s have a system where the manager(s) and owner(s) earn less than minimum wage if our rating for our meal is less than it should have been. Better yet, let’s patronize places which provide wages and benefits to all employees – wages not subject to the pettiness and insanity of personal whim. Until businesses don’t find it economically beneficial to pit customers and servers against one another, they’ll continue to use the tip system to wink and nod at us, all the while knowing that we aren’t going to easily find and frequent places which use traditional wage structures.

 

 

Monday’s Amusing Musings

 

 

I got credit for insisting that we call the usual mantra of objections to sensible policies “stalking points” instead of “talking points.”

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I had a nightmare I went to prison. As part of my punishment, the warden told me I had to choose between losing a foot by amputation or watching Fox News. Even in my nightmare, I looked him in the eye and told him I looked forward to saving money on socks.

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Believe it or not, I almost got arrested again at the Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market. I got into a terrible fight. Punches were thrown, blood and tears fell, elbows hit the ground. The good news is that I won. But one thing I’ve learned is that you can’t let 74 year-old ladies push you around.

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It is easy to be too good at one’s job. I worked one day as a photographer’s assistant in 1999. The photographer couldn’t get one quarrelsome child to smile, frown or make any reaction. Looking menacingly my way, my new boss glanced over at me and muttered, “Get a reaction out of the kid while I try to take his picture.” I went up to the child and whispered, “Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy aren’t real.” Getting punched by the child’s mom was certainly a reaction.

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Whether you tend to say “See the good in everyone” or “See the God in everyone,” know in your heart that most of us aren’t intending to cause harm.
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Have you ever noticed that those people who claim not to be prejudiced are the worst? At least I assume they are claiming innocence. It’s hard to tell when their hoods are so tangled up in their mouths like that.
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I also worked for 4 days as a cook in one of those horrid grease pit diners that are always conveniently located next to the mortician or the interstate. One of the regulars came in, sat down and hollered at me across the counter in a voice saturated in cigarette rasp: “Hey, cook, do you know how to make waffles?” Without missing a beat I hollered back, “Make them do what?” He may not have had much sense – or sense of humor, but he certainly knew how to get someone to go through a plate glass window without straining himself.
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The American Sexual Studies Institute has announced it will save $3,000,000 annually by cancelling its yearly comprehensive sexual behavior questionnaires contract. Instead, they will now solely employ bakers in the South, who all now require a full explanation of their customer’s sexual habits prior to selling them custom pastries. ‪#‎freeinformation‬
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A uniform is what you put on to go to work, while a costume is something you wear to entertain. If people pay to watch you work, that is entertainment, not work, even if someone is paying you. FYI…
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I’m not good with sports. I mistakenly voted for “Conch of The Year” at a sport award event I was dragged to. I was thinking, “What’s up with the marine theme this year?” but voted anyway. It was fun watching the Sports Association Director read out all the votes for nomination. PS: Sports fans are largely characterized by their complete lack of appreciation for the ridiculous, even though most sports look like the costumes are designed by the production staff for the “Wizard of Oz,” and a failed OSHA inspector
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Just to confuse those with no sense of society, I’m going to create my own version of Cracker Barrel. I’m going to call it Cracker Barél, using the same signage and everything. Except my version is going to be staffed by Nathan Lane sound-alikes, decorated by Barbara Streisand, and the camouflage inside is going to be pink paisley-colored. I’ll serve only brunch and afternoon tea. “Mimosas for everyone. Cue the confusion,” will be the initial slogan.
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You know you’re old when you hear Prince’s song and wish you could potty like it was 1999.
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Methelaneous: A variation of ‘miscellaneous’ that people using meth sometimes use to describe when they do everything at once. That’s what it would sound like if the whistle in their teeth wasn’t so deafening.
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I discovered that my humor was starting to bother people. Andy walked up to me this morning and asked “Do you know how to write a Last Will & Testament?” Oblivious to his real intentions, I replied, “Sure, I can do that.” Andy pointed his finger in my face and angrily whispered, “Then I’ll give you 30 minutes to get yours done.”
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I never understood the concept of slamming the door to communicate anger. Why not lick the door from bottom to top as the other person watches? That would be a MUCH clearer sign that you guys need to talk.
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One great way to decide if you are a good writer? Ask people. The trouble is that you are inevitably going to get both ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ Even the best writers, regardless of standards, are despised by a wide variety of people. Whether it is Shakespeare, Stephen King or Pat Conroy, all have legions of haters.
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A specialized vocabulary when one isn’t required is a sure sign of snobbery. Accusations of bad grammar or syntax have always flourished. Those occupying the castle rarely wish those below to join them in the favored vantage point in the towers. Demanding perfection in syntax when prose is capable of so much poetry without perfection is the same as expecting bloodless childbirth – no one focuses on the mess, just the baby.
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One of these days, I’m going to enter a party and say something really clever in Klingon and someone is going to understand me. That person will be my friend for life. I guess first I had better go to a party.
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If your business mission statement has the word “compassion” in it, chances are you don’t have any.
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Mark Twain said that a classic is a book which everyone praises but no one reads. I’ll add: The best restaurant is sometimes the one always on the verge of failing. And, not only is honesty not the best policy, but the deductible for using it is usually a loss a job or friends.
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Would Eric Clapton have been famous if he had been really, really awesome on the ukulele instead?

Fingerprints and Finger Prince

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Posted on my social media…

“Hey y’all, I got arrested last night. Evidently, the Springdale Police are Prince fans, too. Instead of inking me, they made me do Finger Prince! (I couldn’t believe no one else had thought of this… )

#Prince

As you would imagine, this dumb idea of mine got a lot of play. I pointed that while others were engaged in such nefarious activities as sleeping, I spent my early Sunday morning printing off really small pictures of Prince and taping them to my fingers for this joke.

I was printing little prints of Prince for my prints.”

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Quips and Thoughts For This Morning

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Someone sneered and asked me, “X, do you think you are funny?” After a moment, I replied, “No, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to take a few notes about the way you are dressed to give me a better idea of ridiculous.” -X #oblivious

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“Many conservatives won’t object to Obama’s face on Mt. Rushmore, as it will finally be carved in white.” – X

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“Gomer Homer:” New term to describe when a racist white guy says something so patently prejudiced that he earns a free meal at the nearest Waffle Hut and an automatic bid to the Hick Hall of Flame.
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10 people shot and killed in Wisconsin. In a surprise twist, authorities now say they are looking for someone with a gun as the suspect.
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“Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they’re finished.” (Dan Gilbert) This is one of favorite reminders – avoiding that tendency toward certainty, especially where people are involved. It’s also a variation of another favorite sentiment of mine: “My opinions change with new information.”
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Forget “Cake By the Ocean,” I will take a Snickers Bar by the pond any day of the week.
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Why is syrup mainly limited to coughs and pancakes?
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I went to buy a Gregorian Chant CD and picked up the Gregarious Chant CD by mistake.
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I stopped stopped smoking. Doesn’t that sound better than “I started smoking again?”
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We need clever, less obvious ways to communicate to people that they aren’t pleasant to be around. Once a week, everyone in the office should vote. The person who has been the biggest pain in the ass the last few days should have to wear a Disney costume of our choosing for the entire day. ‪#‎disneyday‬
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If I were going to open a cubic zirconium store, it would be called Sham-Rock.
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I’ve wondered how much money I could make if I started selling autographed pictures of myself on Ebay.
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Lottery Reaction Rule: We will be glad that we are rich. But we will be happier that we can now look anyone dead in the eye and tell them they are behaving stupidly without fear of consequence.

Do me a favor, instead of imagining all the t-h-i-n-g-s you could buy with your lottery winnings, imagine all the cretins you can direct to the nearest lake for an impromptu bath. The boss who wouldn’t recognize logic if he were a roommate with Spock? Buy him a going-away present and ask him to do his part by going away. That sanctimonious guy in the next cubicle who thinks he talks directly to God? Buy him an Ouija board and some séance paraphernalia.

I think the fantasy of sudden wealth is the ability to be who you already are, able to stop pretending that the clowns deserve your time, to be as weird and literal as you would ever want to be.

The joke is on all of us, as we already have this magical power. We are just typically so fearful or risk-averse that we have convinced ourselves to swallow words, to avoid the footsteps that await us. I don’t need a mansion or sports car: I need the ability to hand out “Here’s your sign” placards like Xmas candy to the people are earning them.
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Sitting in the doctor’s office, I couldn’t help but notice a young affluent mother, trying to watch Fox News on the television while her energetic and inquisitive son ran from one interesting niche to the other. I’d guess he was around 8 years old.

A story filled the screen, conveying images of a youthful black man and the word “Arrested” emblazoned above his neckline with fierce graphics. The mother shook her head, clucked in disapproval and turned to her left, about to comment to another mother watching the TV as well.

“Stealing? There’s a shocker,” the first mother intoned, as if her words were stuffed with surprised wisdom.

The little boy scampered up to his mother’s knee and tapped her until she looked down at him.

“…But, mom,” he stuttered. “Didn’t we steal black people and bring them over here?”

I burst out in laughter, silently thanking Amy Schumer for the joke.
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Friday Madness

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It is dangerous to assume people will recognize humor, that is for certain.

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fsdfsd

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rwerwewerwwewerwerwerwer

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“Some detractors are telling Bruce Springsteen he should take his music off the radio, as he’s letting bigots hear it there. His reply: “What are you talking about? They never listen to anyone.” – X

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“If you operate a store, unless you can see the person’s genitals, you should never comment or change how you do business based on what they might or might not do with them. Unless you live in Alabama or Mississippi, this should address the problem.” – X

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55555655

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I was walking near St. Bernard in New Orleans. My friends warned me to be careful before I went out. It was about 9 p.m. on a late August day. A sketchy-looking guy wearing dirty and ripped clothing leaned away from a dark building and asked me how I felt about dog fighting. I looked at him quietly for a moment and then replied, “I’ll do it so long as I don’t have to stay on all fours again.” That guy ran from ME.

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Sheriff Chuck Wright does have a point – the one on top of his pinhead. But it sells well to that certain crowd – you know which one – those who seem like they’ve just experienced a surprise lobotomy.

( “No one mentioned in that article is racist, but they are waiting for a sale on pillowcases and scissors.” – X)

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Ponder If You Will…

 

If I were granted the ability to create a machine (fantastical or confined to real possibility) capable of defying physics, I wouldn’t opt for a car which runs on water or a teleportation device, excellent choices that they may be.

My device would be a telephone, one that would allow anyone, once a year, to call their most beloved person in the world, dead or alive, and talk to them.

While we love our accomplishments, exotic trips to Mexico or Disneyland, or even our Lexus in the cold concrete driveway, when we lie down at night, tired and contemplative, we hearken to those we knew and loved. The past is not behind as so much as it is embedded into the grooves our hearts and minds, sometimes for us to replay lovingly. Many times, we would humbly and gladly offer up all our luxuries and bells and whistles, if we could just hear someone’s voice one more time.

Time tends to quietly rob of us of our deepest connections, the trivial memories which, when combined, create a longing greater than the sum of their parts. This desire to recall vividly our shared moments is as much of our humanity as any other need or desire. While we love our adventurous lives, none of the distractions compare to being loved and listening to the voices ingrained in our memories.

As you finish your day today and pull down the covers of your intimate bed, stop and ponder the idea of picking up the phone and calling your mom, your sister, the friend from high school who didn’t come home one night, or even the childhood friend who populated your imagination and time so many summer nights of your youth.

The still, surprised voices on the other end, waiting to share memories with you once more. Imagine that voice now, as he or she whispers, “Hello, is that you?” Your heart both soars and drops simultaneously.