It Was

Last night I dreamed of Grandpa. The storm had passed and the air smelled of earth and bean plants. Grandma was inside nervously attempting to watch the grainy picture on the small living room TV, her ears tuned to the weather. It scared her to have the TV plugged in and connected to the tall antenna on the side of the house.  Grandpa and me sat on the porch swing facing the fields. It was past bedtime. I held a very small cup of coffee, warmed up from the morning. Grandma put pet milk in it, even though I would have preferred black coffee. She ascribed to the idea that somehow heavy milk canceled out the caffeine. We didn’t talk as we sat on the porch swing. The blizzard of unseen insects slowly returned to normal following the storm. Though Grandpa enjoyed TV, he loved the porch after a storm. Not just because the heat had temporarily lost the war against the cooling winds. It was his living room, one facing the immense fields of Monroe County around the small house. I don’t remember many of my dreams, possibly because I don’t sleep long enough to process them. This morning I woke up with a piece of me lingering in the nostalgia of 50 years ago.  

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Subtle things I’ve learned…

“Age is just a number, X.”

“You are right. But so is 100. You earned each of your years by the minute, the day, the month, the year. You can walk a hundred extra steps. You can eat 100 less calories. And you can do 100 push-ups. You don’t have to do it all at once. Make or take a minute for small choices. You can choose a smile instead of a complaint. You can give a hug to remember what humanity is all about. Age is just a number. And it relentlessly piles up behind you, an infinite number of increments. Just like you’re choosing to read this instead of scrolling past. Don’t scroll your life or it will be gone forever.”

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“The Tree Remembers”

“The ax forgets. The tree remembers.”
Once you’ve let someone down, it tends to leave a scar. Once those words escape your lips, they could echo forever to the person hearing them. It’s impossible to know the alchemy in someone’s brain and heart that converts something seemingly inconsequential into a wound. If you speak in anger or through the bravado of substances, though you said or did those words or deeds solely with the desire to inflict pain, these things break both trust and connection. I’ve been both the guilty party and receiver many times. Once words are born into the world or behavior is demonstrated, the ripple effect may be permanent. If you say the words in anger, it demonstrates the urge to cause pain. If you say them under the influence, it is truth exposed only through the virtue of a lack of inhibition. If you commit words or behavior to a chapter in your life without the intention of pain, an apology born in one’s heart is the only place to start. Ears and hearts conceal scars inflicted long ago. And they shape the perspective and outlook of the person receiving them.
Love, X

The Woman On The Yellow Bicycle

In the golden haze of morning light, she pedals along, a vision bright.
Her wheels spin like sunflowers in bloom, an almost invisible comet through street and gloom.

Her basket holds secrets and love, gifts of kindness, love, and respite.

She leaves silent grace, a trail of hope and joy in her tire track’s embrace.

Her gifts are often sublime.

She may leave you energy to bounce through the day.

And for others, she grants a moment of peace. Sometimes, that’s more than enough.

You don’t hear much about the woman or her yellow bicycle.
That’s the way she prefers it,

It’s likely that you won’t see her approach.
She prefers anonymity when possible.

She’s not a guardian angel or a phantasm.

She is love and action in motion. Love is always in motion.

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I wanted to remind you of the lady on the yellow bicycle. It seems that only a few of us can see her. May she visit you soon and often.

Ask me if she’s real. She is to those who believe in magic that fires through our lives and hearts. Look closely, fellow travelers. Everything that matters is invisible; her basket is filled with these things.

And if you don’t see her? BE her disciple in any way you’re capable.

Love, X
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Splurge

I normally don’t splurge for things like this beautiful hummingbird feeder. It doesn’t look as dazzling right now because the storm apocalypse is rolling over toward me. This time, I bought the special nectar that apparently hummingbirds devour like the last french fry in the bag. My first year here was a delight with a hummingbirds. I need more beauty like this. Practical beauty is a thing onto itself. Assuming my building will remain standing once the storms roll past, I’ll look out the door or window frequently in an attempt to catch my first hummingbird visitor.

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An Enthusiastic Ear

When you are interested in many things, it’s bewildering for someone near you not to want to experience it. Especially the expressive parts that reveal not only the goings-on of the day but glimpses into the invisible world each of us has in our own mind. It is sacrosanct that interest and enthusiasm at least simmer in one’s direction, if not boil effusively.

People are never complete unless they are finished. There’s always something new about them if their mind is fresh and their attention is focused.

We’re supposed to reward those who don’t conceal themselves. It’s authenticity rendered in flesh and bone, words and behavior. Such people are making bids without thinking.

Gottman studies the role of bids in romantic relationships. (And some can be applied to worldly interpersonal connections.) The higher the bids toward another person, the deeper the relationship and connection. As these bids lessen or go unreturned, you can chart the connection’s demise. If you’re unfamiliar with the Gottman research, it’s extensive and provides words to frame many of the things you already know and feel.

I feel strongly about all of this. I’m one of those people who unobtrusively shares a hell of a lot of myself, whether you’re standing in front of me or whether I opt for the virtual world. My bid is constant. I’m meeting people more than halfway. I scratch my head in puzzlement and then bewilderment when people sharing my lane fail to understand that time is taken rather than made. People say they seek connection and understanding. But then many engage superficially or let the external intrude where it should not. It hasn’t helped that we now carry universal entertainment and distraction devices in our pockets.

PS I’ve said it 23,467 times: everything that matters is invisible. Among those are love, kinship, friendship, energy, enthusiasm, and interest. Each of us has limited time; your choices indicate what holds value for you.

Love, X

High

What goes up must come down. I laughed when I thought of that. Because the way down lacked any attractiveness compared to the sense of adventure when I started up the tree and pile of brush. I dare not say how high I went. My age allegedly begs for restraint. There is a shimmering word in our language that attempts to describe the realization that you might not know it could be your last time. I reached the pile of brush and the trees jamming up from it because I had seen a hawk flying low upon the creek bed. At the end of its run, it elegantly rose up through the canopy and disappeared. It was my guess that it had a perch somewhere nearby and above. I followed the narrowing and disappearing dirt path until it was no longer. I pushed through the brambles and vines to reach the most likely tree that would serve as a candidate for ascension. Though I sometimes regret being barefoot, I also miss the connection with the dirt, rocks and water when I choose to protect my faith. I was barefoot today.  I leaned against the tree trunk and waited. Watching the birds and squirrels. A shadow went above me and I could hear the woosh of wings. And the bird of prey sat across from me, adjusting its wings and feathers while keeping an eye on me. I slowly reached for my phone in my front left pocket. Just as much to avoid dropping my phone or hurling myself from the exposed safety of the tree trunk. The moment was enough but I felt compelled to take a picture. For just a moment, the bird and I were at the same level. I was a little bit jealous that it would be able to jump, spread his wings, and skim along the cold water of the creek below. It would be two seconds of glorious freefall. As we all know, it’s not the fall that hurts. It’s the ending. Some people question others for their elaborate planning and effort for short bursts of pleasure. To that I would say, the best one-off moment so far this week was making an effort to see SpaceX blaze across the sky above me early one morning. Or to point out that you spend hours to shop and cook for the tastes sensation of eating that sometimes only lasts a few minutes. Or you rush for the singular goal of pleasure, when it is the journey and process that makes the sensation what it is. I managed to get out of the tree and brush. The hawk probably laughed at me, wondering why I took the long way to get out of the tree. I left him there, scanning the creek. When I looked back along the creek and realized how far I had climbed, I reminded myself that I have a picture. And that one day the digital picture would still be here, long after the memory attached to me would be gone. 

Love, X

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Beauty In The Sky

I was so thankful I was outside when the SpaceX Dragon streaked across several states a little before 4:40 a.m. I’m glad I didn’t head to the top of the parking deck here. It takes a lot to surprise me. The speed of the spacecraft as it streaked across the United States caught me completely off guard. Though my picture does not capture how beautiful it was, the spacecraft fluctuated with a huge variety of colors and left a surprisingly wide trail behind it as it blazed across above me. When it first became visible to me near the Northwest horizon, I simply could not believe the speed in which it approached. It was like a fiery prism running across the sky.
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Who We Are

The internet can be fascinating. I had words sent back to me from years ago: “Do you speak from the hollow place in your head? The repository of current events and reaction opinion. Or do you speak from the place of you, the one in which the authentic you can laugh and be upset without concealing who you are? It’s a seesaw. You’re supposed to sit to the right, as far along the lever as you can. Functionally, it’s the only way a seesaw works. And it only works well and beautifully when you understand that someone has to sit on the other end for it to be enjoyed and used properly. Like a mouthful of fire, who we are should be impossible to conceal.”

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PS this one has come back around to me so many times that I’ve lost track.

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Bissextile, Popcorn, and Mosquitoes

Bissextile, Popcorn, and Mosquitoes
(It’s not the latest Taylor Swift song.)

“Pergolas are the broken condom of curb appeal.” I heard that hilarious quote in a Lewis Black video last week. It’s infected my head with yet more riveting and true observations. I’d add my own: “Pergolas are the proof that form defeats function, much like McDonald’s eyebrows.”

The word “bissextile” is interesting. However, it does not hold much value for communication. It’s used mainly to denote the leap year—at least among people who love vocabulary. For everyone else, it’s another example of our language strangling us with complexity. I love observing people sneer at those who don’t follow the alleged rules of our language. Especially spelling. That’s orthography to the supercilious-minded folks among us. (I used supercilious jokingly; it’s how the upper crust looks at some of us when we walk by.)

Another totally unrelated thing is that so many people don’t know that the best way to store popped popcorn is in the icebox. I was going to type “fridge,” but that extra mysterious “d” in the abbreviation for “refrigerator” irritates me. That our language has so many wildly disparate and ridiculous spelling and pronunciation conundrums astounds me. “Icebox” is an anachronism but one that has served us well for decades. By the way, the consensus among many is that we added the “d” to “fridge” not because of unilateral usage but rather because Frigidaire Corporation made a buttload of fridges. It’s more complicated than that because we can’t have easy answers or explanations for anything.

Mosquitoes hone in on the carbon dioxide we breathe out. They also tend to go to certain colors. This is a very useful fact.

I was going to joke about the fact that only female mosquitoes bite, but I am scared of the cancel culture. I’m not quite recovered from the incident last year, in which I was banned from participating in yodeling contests because I paid a helper to intermittently hit me in the groin with a small hammer as I yodeled.

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