All posts by X Teri

Thinking

Every once in a while I write a list like this one.

… Because the biggest myth of all is that we prioritize and reward logic and reason over emotion and poor thinking. The best idea does not win, nor does the process of discovery and innovation get the appreciation it deserves. It’s how we end up with people criticizing the scientific process or convincing themselves that the world is only 6,000 years old.

Almost every TV show and movie gets the science behind sleeping after a concussion wrong. Just like they do with CPR.

Diverticulitis is the perfect example of how science progresses. Despite the fact that we now know that eating popcorn and seeds doesn’t worsen diverticulitis, It will take years for the previous recommendations to stop affecting how people deal with their disease.

Supplements aren’t regulated like other medicines. While some people need them for specific beneficial medical purposes, they are by large a danger to most of us.

One of my favorites is the idiotic insistence that people not swim for an hour after they eat.

The same is true for stomach ulcers. We’ve known for years that they are caused by bacteria rather than stress.

Debunked claims that vaccines cause autism still cause havoc as poorly-informed people continue to repeat claims that they do. As is the case with the flu vaccine causing you to have the flu.

There’s no correlation to a full moon and aberrant behavior. But try telling people who believe it that there’s no evidence to support the claim.

Parents everywhere continue to believe that sugar causes their kids to be hyperactive. Study after study has shown this to be false.

People mistakenly believe that technology invariably causes social isolation. For every disadvantage, it creates the possibility of enhanced connection. Radio was going to be the downfall of civilization. TV was going to produce a generation of idiots.

Every generation for centuries has insisted that the younger generations are at fault for what’s wrong with society. That includes their work ethic and morals. It’s a ridiculous pyramid scheme of faulty logic and thinking.

The teen birthrate has continued to significantly fall over the last few decades. In general, do people believe it? The same holds true for crime and violence, generally speaking. Yet somehow, if you tell someone we are collectively safer, they’ll argue until their fingers fall off the remote control.

Bats aren’t blind.

Reading in the dark or sitting too close to the TV does not damage your vision.

The eight glasses of water a day myth won’t die either. Water consumed as part of your food counts, just as the water in coffee and soda does. Many people overhydrate, which can cause electrolyte imbalances as well as kidney problems. In general, urine is not meant to be clear all the time.

Napoleon wasn’t short. His height was normal for the time.

In conclusion, expecting people to dedicate themselves to learning is as foolish as deciding that someone who has declared bankruptcy several times is somehow a good business person. Or that someone who spews hate and dissent somehow embodies the ideals of a prophet that preached brotherly love and compassion.

Love, X
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Angry Sausage

Another good example of misadventure… I could change the language to not be so onerous, but why? 

I had a couple of interesting social interactions before heading toward the creek. Good ones. I kicked off my shoes and left them in the car. I stood a couple of feet away from the trail edge. You’d have to be drunk and riding a bicycle with 2 ft handlebar extensions to make contact with any part of my body. 

I was putting my phone in my pocket as a man dressed as a summer sausage pedalled toward me. I won’t explain the comparison. Suffice it to say, it’s more than apt. 

“Get out of the effing way,” he shouted. I looked behind me confusedly and then turned my head as he passed me. 

“Johnsonville,” I said, and laughed. It couldn’t be offensive to him because there’s no way he could have understood the thoughts going through my head when I first saw him with that angry look on his face. 

He came to a precarious stop. “What did you say to me?” He half-shouted.

“I recommended both a hearing aid and an optometrist.” I couldn’t stop myself. Even though he did not understand my wit, I did. It seems fair if someone’s going to be out in public with anger issues, they better be prepared to eat the plate of creative sarcasm and buffoonery that I love serving. 

“Stay off the trail!” He sounded so unreasonable that I wondered why he didn’t have a part-time job with the White House as a peace negotiator. 

I had a flash of movie inspiration. “He’s already pulled over!” I tried mimic the dude from Super Troopers. For those who’ve seen the movie, you can picture the absurdity that I was experiencing.

Summer sausage was about to say something. 

But I had another flash of inspiration. I tossed my headphones to the grass and then began running. 

Summer sausage tried to pedal forward so fast that he was going nowhere, like a cartoon character hanging over a cliff with his feet frantically pistoning. 

When I said I took off running, I actually ran in place by frantically flailing my arms as if I were running the hundred yard dash without moving. 

Summer sausage did not look back as he finally started riding on the trail at an appropriate speed for exercise. In a way, you could say I had become his personal trainer by motivating him to speed up. 

My suspicion is that for the remainder of today’s bicycle ride, he kept his anger to himself. 

X

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Choose

Because people are reluctant to share the things that they wish they could say to someone who needs to hear it, I hope that each person reading this stops to consider that it may have been written for them.

It’s not about being a man. 

It’s about being a person who communicates openly and boldly when needed. 

Everyone has trauma, most have experienced betrayal and loss, and others lack self-confidence for their own reasons. 

Behavior can be learned and it can also be unlearned if you’re motivated.

Each of us has defects and things that cannot be changed or taken back. 

We also possess things that can be changed. Most things that are worthwhile require effort. 

If your goal is to socialize and to become intimate with other people, you must be willing to work on the things that you can. 

Failing to do so is a passive decision to let others know that you will not move past where you are. 

We must play the cards we’re given rather than the ones we wish we had. 

You start with small steps today. 

People notice that you’ve acknowledged you’re taking as much control as you can. 

No one wants someone perfect. But everyone wants someone moving in the right direction. 

We find value in someone who recognizes that action is required. It erases a great deal of the things that give us pause.

Confidence is attractive, often rivaling humor and wit. 

Pursuing what you want magnetizes us. Knowing that someone values you and wants you is an element of attraction that’s often overlooked.

Resist complaining about the current situation. Stop talking about what you’re going to do. Instead, commit to movement and action.

Let the changes be reflected in your behavior and the words you choose. Live confidently and honestly. 

Some of the things in your heart and reflected in your words will make you fearful of rejection. The truth is we all share a lot more in common than we realize and it’s only through communication that allows us to interact as human beings. 

X

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Quiet

There’s magic where you look for it. 

And despair, too, often even if you’re not. 

Just in case there’s vitality in nature, I walked barefoot and talked to the thousand birds that surrounded me. Most were unseen, but few went unheard. 

Unlike us, who mostly stay silent for fear of our voices being ridiculed. You’ll be mocked whether you’re silent or singing. Your words and letters will be judged, mostly by people who can neither aptly wield a pen or dare to hold a note.

A crow followed me across the area I refer to as the alien meadow due to the strange vertical plants that secretly grow there each year. I hated to leave it behind because it was cawing for my benefit. 

X

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Saturday Morning Pterodactyls

I love writing about positive interactions. But I remind people that not all of them are. A few minutes ago, I managed to make myself laugh after running into someone who thinks the world was created just for her.

Wandering the park, I was listening and watching for birds. Not people.

“What are you doing?” The woman’s voice surprised me. I looked up to see a woman standing a few feet away. She held a leash attached to a beautiful dog.

“I’m enjoying the morning. How are you doing?” I smiled as I looked away from my bird app for a second.

“No, I meant, what are YOU doing?” There was a tone to her voice, one which implied that she was both the gatekeeper of the area and had the right to ask anyone at any time how dare they be where they are.

“Right now, I’m wondering how cleverly I can indirectly insult you so that you’ll go about your morning and enjoy it so that I can do the same.”

“There’s no reason to talk to me that way,” she said, as she pulled on the dog leash. The dog wanted me to pet it. Or perhaps rescue it from the clutches of its owner. She looked the kind of dog owner who would individually count every pebble of food before feeding the dog. I had an aunt like that.

“Well, I hope you enjoy the rest of your day,” I said as I smiled.

The woman grunted and mumbled to herself as she marched away. I’m 100% sure that she wished she had a hard marble surface to stomp on so that I would have to listen to her heels clicking as she high stepped.

When she reached a point about 20 yards away from me and across the steel bridge, I couldn’t resist. Some of the people who know me know I do one hell of a pterodactyl scream. I let loose.

I watched as the woman froze and looked around. Not seeing anything, she returned to her disapproving high step walk. At which point, I let out an even louder pterodactyl scream. She froze again for a second and then walked as fast as anyone can without breaking into a run.

Because of the early hour and the magical absence of traffic or mundane sounds, you might be surprised how far a pterodactyl scream carries in the beautiful misty morning.

I let out five shriekingly loud pterodactyl screams before letting the morning return to its normal quiet state. Just in case someone else is using the Merlin app. They’ll have one hell of a story trying to explain the noise they heard on an early Saturday morning.

X
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Musical Encounter

It was a rough day today, much like trying to explain the first amendment without flash cards to a cabal of conservative voters.

When I exited the inconvenience store, loud obnoxious music filled the air, as if a tone deaf demon were playing a violin and singing garbled Korean folk music. 

I casually looked into the car producing the nightmarish music. A rather menacing-looking man sat in the driver’s seat while smoking a cigar. 

Before thinking better of it, I reached into my car and pulled out one of my sets of headphones. 

I turned around and asked him if he needed some headphones. 

“No, but that was kind of you to offer.” He smiled really big.

“I wasn’t offering them out of kindness. I’m not very fond of my ears bleeding.” Keep in mind that I didn’t smile or give me any indication as to whether I was joking. 

The man took a second the process my complaint. Thankfully, he laughed. 

“You’re not a fan of Sleazy Milktoast MC?” He asked me. (That’s not what he actually said, but the string of syllables he cited as the name of the alleged singer might as well have been that.)

“I bet it’s good for clearing crowds,” I immediately answered. 

“You got jokes! That’s good. Hit me with another one.” 

It took me less than 1/20th of a second to fire back. “That music is to rap music what Creed is to rock.”

He laughed hard again. “What are you listening to in your tiny blue car?”

“Since I qualify for AARP, I’m required by federal law to listen to NPR or hardcore elevator music.” 

Because I just received a gift of the kind of expensive headphones I would never buy myself in a million years, I offered him my $12 pair again. 

“Nah, I’m good. Listening is performance art.” He grinned at his own cleverness. 

We exchanged a couple of more rapid-fire good-intentioned insults before I got in my car. It was very difficult to pretend that I wasn’t listening to NPR as I drove off. I waved as I drove away. He laughed again and waved his cigar out the window. 

X

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PS The included picture has zero to do with my story. The man in the picture was just an interesting guy out enjoying the day on the trail. 

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Do Unto Others

If “Love thy neighbor as thyself” is too much, “Don’t be a dick” is a workable compromise.

If you’re averse to complexity, “do no harm” is a nice recap. “Stop hitting me in the face” is the minimum expectation.

“Live and let live,” if only for the entertainment value of observing human beings as we claim to use reason and logic, yet behave as if we are hyenas caught in an electric fence.

If your personal beliefs or religion (arguably and allegedly) forbid tramp stamp tattoos, drinking, bikinis, sex on a seesaw, rainbows, compassion, handlebar mustaches, caffeine, smoking, eating animals, or voting sensibly, then observe the beliefs you’ve chosen. 

The greater the tendency a person has to impose their chosen beliefs on others, the greater the probability the afore-mentioined person is an asshole. (One who has yet to discover the agony of someone else telling THEM how to live.)

I’m too old and too cranky to listen to the various forms of dogma and indoctrination go to war with each other about whose book says what. If you live your life the way you want and others do the same, everyone’s much happier. It’s not my fault no two denominations agree, much less the individuals inside of each group. It’s remarkable that most people use the same book, yet no two people agree on the interpretation or the applicability of the contents to their lives.

You don’t have to help someone on the side of the road if they have a flat, but it would be nice if you don’t shout “You should have planned your life better” at them as you drive by and then steal their tire iron. 

A lot of what we’re experiencing in society is the metaphorical equivalent of the flat tire scenario. 

If recent events are any indication, the ones who disagree won’t like it any better than the rest do if the dynamic flips and they are the ones being hindered or silenced. 

Reading the idiocy about the anti-Christian bias proposals gives me a multitude of thoughts and concerns. Very few people are anti-Christian, but attempting to favor one religion over another or a paticular brand of one is un-American and prohibited under the constitution. Everybody’s religion has elements that everyone else looks at and rolls their eyes. It’s human nature to misunderstand the beliefs of others, not to mention scoff at holy water while putting on their magic underwear. 

You can’t demand conformity for others and then reject it when it’s your turn to suffer the consequences of those abusing power to tell you that you must follow ideology you don’t agree with. 

For those who’ve studied history, no one wants theocracy. It inevitably disintegrates into an unrecognizable and extreme mess that satisfies no one and limits our ability to live freely.

Each of us is free to exercise our religion but that freedom ends where another person’s freedom begins. Especially if bacon or coffee is involved. 

47 and people like him have continued to co-opt religion for their own purposes. It’s a story as old as time. I could not have imagined that our country would seemingly embrace the folly of someone so unqualified to represent the grace of belief and religion. 

I don’t dislike religion. I dislike dogma and the infinite amount of zealotry that some people have when they seek to dictate how other people live in a free society. 

I’ve started carrying protology referral cards in my wallet. Don’t be surprised if I hand you one. Since I’m an ass sometimes too, you can hand me one if you catch me behaving similarly. I’m the guy who sits in the back pew because I’m not fond of lightning strikes. 

X

FU Mom, With Love

FU Mom, With Love

Periodically, I have to remind everyone that I am an expert curser. I know my angelic appearance apparently indicates that I’m not. Don’t let my amateur bowler looks fool you.

I grew up with world-class cursers. If Merriam-Webster had published a compendium of cursing, both of my parents would have been mentioned in the preface.

Dad loved paying anyone young enough and stupid enough to approach another family member and quote whatever curse word he was currently tickled with. I’ve mentioned before what his favorite was. If you’ve watched the TV show Deadwood, Mr Wu spoke almost exclusively using this word.

(If you haven’t watched Deadwood, you’re missing out on the juxtaposition of Shakespearean turn of phrase and sailor-worthy cursing.)

My mom could and would curse at the most inappropriate times and sometimes at maximum volume. Attempting to get her to stop was the equivalent of pouring gasoline on a forest fire in hopes that it would go out. Even though I shouldn’t recall some of it so glowingly, a lot of my good memories of her were referring to people as a son of a bitch at the drop of a hat. You could almost feel the demons being summoned when she pulled out the MOFOof.

Studies have shown that people who curse tend to be happier than those who don’t. The corollary to this is that most non-cursers tend to be unhappier precisely because of all the cursers around them.

I pity anyone who gave up cursing for Lent. If cursing were represented in real life as they are in comics, the air around me would be filled with “@#!@#$” while I watch or read the news.

P.S. I created the video using AI. Had it REALLY been my mom, no one would dare be closer enough to her if she were rant-cursing. I’m convinced her aura was powerful enough to negate a modern MRI. Now that she’s memories, I love remembering how epic her rants could be. She was a Pat Conroy in the world or creative cursing.

X
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Win The Internet

Argument Starter 101:
(Or, “How To Win The Internet”)

Preface: did you know one of the top ways to trigger algorithm engagement is to make content about tipping? One of the other top ways is to use necessarily cliché, small words and post content about any random popular sports organization, actor, or singer. (Bruce Springsteen and Nicki Minaj are omitted from inclusion due to the fact that they obviously do not sing.)

You can also try discussing the hugely important issue of shopping cart returns, how a specific politician has been in office for thirty years but yet is somehow not to blame, or why your mother-in-law’s hair resembles the ‘before’ picture on a typical hairdresser’s wall.

“If you can’t afford to tip your server, don’t go out to eat.”

“If you can’t afford to pay your server a living wage that isn’t subject to variables outside the employee’s control, don’t open a business.”

I tip well. The trend to ask for a tip at a growing number of places makes me as reluctant as it does when I’m asked to put money in the collection plate after watching the pastor drive up in a brand new Cadillac or fly in on a helicopter.

Tipping is not the predominant custom in the world. But neither is minding your own business or voting like it’s the 21st century. Both of the latter would be immeasurable to our modern society, yet while both are praised, no one seems to be able to do either anymore.

Regarding tipping, it’s important to remember that the average American can only math at a basic level. Asking them to move a decimal point to calculate a tip is the equivalent of milking a cow and expecting string cheese to come out.

In regard to other engagement topics, don’t forget pineapple on pizza, how lazy people are paradoxically stealing our jobs, the weather, and taxes.

If you’re really going for the gut punch, also ridicule Steve, Randy, or anyone who uses an adjective as their nickname.

Saving the best for last: sex. It’s the thing everyone’s thinking about but no one wants to talk about unless they enjoy trips to HR, being put on a registry, or practicong the art of wall-talking with their partner.

X
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Safety

The overgrown and unmaintained trail back in here is beautiful. Of course, I have to be careful walking barefoot. Or I’m supposed to be. I saw and heard 29 different kinds of birds. None new on this walk. 

The idea of safety followed me among the trees, the brush, and the birds.  I don’t need to remind you of my past to echo the stupidity of safety. A glance down at a phone, an unstable artery inside your brain, and even airplanes falling can precipitate an unexpected demise despite a life perfectly lived.

Because of a purported leader we allegedly chose, now we have to be concerned that anyone can be kidnapped under the color of unidentified law and taken to a foreign prison. Our country is supposed to be founded on justice for all. Yet, we collectively look away as people who followed all the rules get snatched from their jobs and family. 

It can’t happen to anyone I know, or so people think. An injustice permitted upon one is an injury to all of us if we’re decent people. When there are no clear lines, there will always be people who take advantage and do wrong.

The Golden Rule stipulates that we should do unto others as we would have done to us. That alone should serve as a warning who go one step too far and harm other people. 

I’ll listen to the birds and enjoy the beautiful weather because that’s the only option I have. To ponder the potential of our current state of affairs too long can only lead to anger and frustration.

We once believed we were better than all of this. We’re not.

X

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