We need a superhero with this famous tagline phrase.
He swoops in at the very moment someone sends us a CYA email, one that probably starts with the passive-aggressive “per my last email.”
Or when management blames us for failing to complete a 9,000-item checklist with staff better suited to boil water.
Let’s not forget in-service or education, the kind that includes things we don’t need to know (or we’d already know it), where the goal is to get through as quickly as possible without succumbing to insanity as our fingers click keys faster than a cocaine-fueled chipmunk.
We definitely need this superhero when we have a malingerer. The ones with apparently infinite time to tell us stories, usually punctuated by, “I am SO busy.” All they’ll feel is the splash of the water balloon, right after they feel something press into the small of their back.
When we hear the phrase, “We’re family.” Lord knows that when we’re with family at Thanksgiving, most of us are calculating how quickly we can stuff Uncle Larry and his opinions into the garage deep freezer. It’s best to avoid that phrase at work.
He’d dramatically run into the meeting, the could-have-been-an-email kind, and force us to put our hands up and admit no one knows why we’re in a budget crisis yet spending thousands on a gathering to consume bad pastry products and pray that we might be drinking poisoned coffee.
My superhero would have the elements of Terry Tate, Office Linebacker, armed with only scathing sarcasm, eye-rolls, and water balloons to lob at the offenders upon discovery.
Lastly, my superhero would tell us jokes until we laughed. Even if takes ninety-seven jokes to do so. And to remind us that work is just work, not a mission to save mankind or fool ourselves into getting our identity mixed up with commerce-driven endeavors.
A lot of work is Greek tragedy, at least to those wrapped up in it. Look at how all those turned out.
Take a step back. Lighten up. Do your job well. But not so much that you can’t appreciate the farce of sacrificing your well-being for a position that will be refilled faster than a manager’s coffee cup.
And if you forget? My superhero will be there when you least expect it.
I’m not supposed to express confusing emotions on social media. I mixed an errand with an early morning walk. That was my intention. But I ended up sprinting. I waited until each breath was more difficult and then my Fitbit began to alarm, flash, and vibrate. Of course I kept going. Even harder. As often happens when you’re pushing past your natural limit, I hit the void point. For those of you who’ve never experienced it, it’s very similar to being on a jet with a steep incline that suddenly pops through the clouds. When I stopped running and resumed walking, it was impossible to look at the sunrise in the same way. Stunning. There was also a tinge of melancholy. Because I wanted so badly to turn to someone with a pointed finger, “OMG. Look!” It’s possible that they might just acknowledge such an obvious observation with a nod. Mundane sights transformed are one of my secret joys. Perhaps it might not have been so beautiful had my brain not been soaked in adrenaline.
The word axolotl is derived from the Nahuatl language. I find this fascinating because it’s the perfect example of people arguing about how to say the word “axolotl.” Most people say “AK-suh-laa-tul.” But that’s not actually how you pronounce the word if you’re saying it like a native. It’s supposed to be more or less pronounced “ah-sho-lote.”
The Nahuatl language considers the “tl” as an odd single sound that’s not comfortable for English speakers. Much like any polysyllabic word for that matter – such as “compassion.”
As for me, I’m not concerned with pronunciation. It’s just another branch of the pointless navel-gazing about language that frustrates me. Language is not static, everyone has their own set of rules about spelling and pronunciation, and it’s idiotic to me to worry needlessly about it. I LOVE it when people mispronounce words, especially when it results in the purists shrieking and running from the room with their armpit hair on fire.
More often than not, the grammar police and purists are wrong anyway.
If you’re going to prank people with hidden index cards…write “3 of 7” on one of them. Even if you only leave three hidden. I give you my personal guarantee that it will never occur to them that you did not leave 7 of them. Somewhere!
I went down the deep part of the creek because of the recent rains. The passersby and the background traffic receded and conceded to the bubble and roar of the creek. I spent more than an hour down in the valley where the creek dipped and pooled. I moved almost a ton of rocks for my own amusement. I walked across the fallen tree that spanned the creek. And I tried to climb a couple of the vines hanging to the bed. Worn out, I took my shirt off and lay in the cold water – and looked up into the sky above the canopy. The sun came and went, creating shadows and rainbows atop the rock crests jutting from the water.
I needed it, a connection, even if it were the cousin of such connection, which is silence in one’s mind.
Anything important or meaningful that you’re putting off right now?
It’s likely to be undone.
You think because you’ve had time until now, that there is still sand waiting to fall.
My enduring September lesson: you can’t sustainably live like there’s no tomorrow. But you also can’t really live until you remember that there might not be one.
What follows is a list of things that people believe despite the evidence.
Starting with the big one: intense investigation confirms that full moons do not correlate to increased madness, births, traffic accidents, or anything else. It is the perfect example of illusory correlation. Centuries of the myth being repeated have cemented this fallacy as truth. People will almost fight you over this one.
Not directly related, but think of how we look at the tides. The earth turns into a bulge, and water reacts accordingly. Yet most people have a hugely oversimplified idea of what tides are, correlated to the Moon. Even saying ‘the sun rose’ is a means to confuse language. It’s pervasive, and we don’t give it a second thought.
The “fact” that menstrual cycles synchronize cannot be substantiated. It’s so pervasive that it’s meaningless to argue with someone who believes it. Science says “no.”
Cracking your knuckles causes arthritis. Completely untrue.
Einstein failed math. He didn’t.
Acne is almost entirely genetic, not a result of environmental factors.
Vikings did not wear horned helmets.
The world is not 6,000 years old.
Edison didn’t invent the light bulb. He made one of the first practical ones.
For the most part, sugar does not make kids hyperactive.
The Pythagorean Theorem was used centuries before Pythagoras. He popularized it with the Greeks.
Napoleon was not short. Due to conversion errors, the myth persists. He was of average height for his time and place.
Stretching before general exercise is not always beneficial. Often, it’s harmful. Repeated studies have proven this. But you can’t convince people because that’s how they were taught.
Iron maidens were never used as medieval torture devices. You can look it up.
Shaving does not make hair grow back thicker. It’s perception. The tips of the regrowing hair are darker.
Bagpipes did not originate in Scotland.
Were there three wise men mentioned in the Bible? Eastern tradition sets the number at 12. Western tradition indicates three. The Bible never states how many.
How many of each animal did Noah take on the proverbial ark? It is not two, a fact that is clearly spelled out in Genesis.
Vaccines don’t cause autism. The flu shot does not give you the flu.
Nowhere in the Bible does it say that Adam and Eve ate an apple. It was some kind of fruit or plant.
Generally speaking, it’s not always harmful to touch baby birds. Or to move them back to their nest.
Yellowstone isn’t overdue for a massive supervolcano eruption.
Waking a sleepwalker results in much less harm to them than letting them continue walking. Some of the belief stems from centuries ago when it was believed that one’s soul departed while sleeping.
Bats are not blind.
As a whole, we’re less violent, more educated, and healthier than we’ve been throughout human history.
The Pilgrims didn’t land at Plymouth. Instead, they landed at Provincetown. Plymouth came weeks later.
Delilah didn’t cut Samson’s hair, no matter which version of the Bible you’re reading.
Bulls are colorblind to red.
Salted water does not make boiling water on the stove more efficient.
There is no legitimate reason to drink eight glasses of water.
Generally speaking, caffeine does not stunt one’s growth.
Your mouth isn’t divided into different regions for each type of taste.
That story about Ben Franklin wanting a turkey on the national seal? It’s not true. He wanted Moses. You can look it up.
The word “Xmas” has been around for 1,000 years and is based on language. Not the perversion of Christmas as so many people still insist on.
Ninjas didn’t wear black. It’s a myth. They wore comfortable clothes and wanted to blend in. Another one you’ll argue about but still a myth perpetuated needlessly.
Peanut butter was eaten by the Aztecs centuries before it was “invented” here.
Microwaving can reduce nutritional value – but much less than most other conventional ways to cook. It’s a myth that never dies.
The term 420 was invented by a group of high school kids in 1971 in California. It was literally the time they went to smoke.
How many witches were burned at the stake during the Salem Witch Trials? Zero.
American Gothic, the famous painting, isn’t supposed to be an artwork of a couple. Rather, it is that of a father and daughter.
The Jonestown Massacre didn’t use Kook-Aid. They used a competitor’s product, Flavor-Aid, instead. So much for “drinking the Kool-Aid.”
Walgreen owes much of its success to Prohibition. Alcohol was commonly prescribed. By the way, Prohibition did not outlaw the consumption of alcohol. Look it up.
Astrology is no better than random guessing. It’s all nonsense.
Tang wasn’t invented for astronauts.
Lemmings don’t run off cliffs. The misconception is older than a Disney documentary that popularized the falsehood.
Alpha wolves in packs? Not true. They function more like families.
Sharks do get cancer. This myth was furthered by a book intended to sell supplements.
Birds are therapod dinosaurs. We use the word “dinosaur” to mean “non-avian” dinosaurs. Humans and non-avian dinosaurs never coexisted. Petroleum and fossil fuels are made almost entirely of plant matter.
Most diamonds are not formed from highly compressed coal. Most diamonds that have been dated formed before coal, and usually formed 80+ miles before the surface.
This is one that drives me nuts: an increase in gross income will NEVER result in lower income due to a high tax bracket. So few people understand what a marginal tax rate is – or that they are only taxed higher for anything above the tax bracket threshold, rather than the total amount. It’s so pervasive that it’s useless to argue with people who say things like, “I don’t want overtime. The government will take more of it and I’ll end up with a smaller paycheck.” It does NOT work that way. Good luck trying to convince people.
Urine is not sterile. Again, this myth is so pervasive that it’s pointless to argue with someone who states it as fact.
Using Q-Tips in your ears has no associated medical benefits. Seriously.
Vitamin C has ZERO effect when taken after a cold has started.
A dog’s mouth has about as much bacteria as a human’s mouth.
Spicy food doesn’t have much of an effect on getting peptic ulcers. It was a major discovery to learn that ulcers are caused by bacteria rather than stress.
There isn’t much variation between people’s resting metabolic rate. Despite what you constantly hear.
When I moved a little over 2 years ago, I left behind the special oven I bought to make a wild assortment of vegetables. When I devoted myself to losing the equivalent of 12 gallons of weight, I ate bushels of vegetables, each cooked differently with spices.
Yesterday, Erika opened up the beast in me when she deliberately overcooked tomato slices in the oven. I could have devoured 16 tomatoes cooked that way.
This morning, I cleaned and overbaked a container of Japanese shishoto peppers. I seasoned them with garlic and ranch.
While most people do not like charred flavor, for me it is sublime. And it reminds me of when I was very young and acquired a taste for burned things. One of my favorite jokes is that I loved charred food, while my Mom enjoyed burning our houses down.
If my neighbors below me are awake, it tickles me to wonder what they think I might be cooking before the sun rises. Given the track record of this neighborhood, at least my cooking efforts are culinary rather than chemical.
I have a batch of two differently flavored sliced apples in the oven now. And sugar cane stalk.
It’s no comfort to know this, but if people work to keep you silent, they inadvertently tell you that you have power. Silencing you is an attempt to avoid the consequences of mistreating you or confronting that you’re right about something. (It’s the same in relationships as it is at work.) People without valid points or influence are ignored. People who tell the truth or cause discomfort upset the status quo. Again, it is no consolation. But remember that silencing treatment is a de facto acknowledgment that you’re on the right track. Everything sounds crazy until it becomes the truth. We do not celebrate the people who make us uncomfortable. About our behavior as individuals and certainly not as a group.
While my thoughts aren’t about book banning, the same concept applies. People with the urge to limit content, ideas, and information are admitting that they are afraid of what’s inside. You don’t ban things or ideas that don’t threaten your opinion. It’s usually a nod to the fact that they fully know that much of their opinions and worldview aren’t sustainable under the lens of logic.
No one likes to be wrong.
No one likes having to confront their mistakes.
No one likes being judged for the associations we have: friends, religions, politics, sports, work.
Looking at where we are as people and our lack of focus as a society, the last thing we need is for the outliers to stop pushing our buttons. A therapist once told me that the more we stop hearing criticism, the more in danger we are of being cemented in the past and of playing it safe.
Silencing behavior is the cousin to secrecy. Almost all misbehavior and turmoil derive from secrecy and the lack of transparency. Whether it’s us as a whole or each of us as individuals.
PS I wish it were okay to say, “I think you’re wrong,” without starting a fight. Because we damn well think our friends, family, and coworkers are wrong a LOT. Why isn’t it okay to just admit it? And why can’t we accept this sort of observation for what it is: someone’s opinion. We take everything personally as if we’re surprised that people haven’t had the same lives as us, the same education, the same religion, or the same interpersonal relationships.
On an early Wednesday afternoon not long ago, a couple of miscreants disguised as wannabe drug dealers arrived at the apartment complex. They were vainly searching for one of the hooligans who previously lived below me. They banged on doors and even turned a couple of doorknobs. Their intentions were murderous. I miss the neighbors who once lived below me. Definitely Crystal Methodists and possessing an abnormal interest in homemade chemistry. Not to mention the drug dealer who lived next to me. It’s easier to write crime stories when you can make popcorn and watch it unfold in real-time. Whatever happened to the good old days when drug dealers demanded some sort of decorum? 🙂 One of the duo shouted and threatened me from the parking lot after banging a second time on my door. He promised he would return to give me an ass-kicking. I’m feeling lonely without him darkening my doorway as promised. I had a very creative surprise waiting for him. It might have even made the nightly news. The mugshot would have been glorious! Since the landlords asked me to do so, I uploaded security video of the gentlemen to the police. It was VERY tempting to add clown shoes and hats to the footage. Yes, I am sure that they are actually dangerous. (Not to books, critical thinking, polysyllabic words, or civilized behavior.) I try to remember that even people so devoid of decency have mothers. Mustachioed moms, I’m certain, the kind whose upper lips look like boiled caterpillars. If I sound carefree in my attitude, it’s due to my broken sense of danger. You can thank my Dad for a big part of that. But the reality is that danger blossoms anywhere – and at any time. The allegedly normal-looking folks tend to be as volatile as those whose appearance can best be described as “the before picture.” The ass-kicker didn’t return to my apartment complex. I’m working through the angst of missing his delightful presence. One of the surprises I had waiting was to add the music to “I Believe I Can Fly” to the footage that would have resulted. There are advantages to living on the second floor. His flight off my landing would be short, and without an in-flight meal.
PS I threw the paint can away, the best part of my pre-arranged surprise had either of the hooligans returned.
P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 