For all of y’all who will attempt New Year’s Resolutions!
Love, X
Category Archives: Health
Acceptance
I was asked to make a short TikTok to advise young people. “Don’t set yourself on fire!” seemed too obvious. Advising young people – or anyone else for that matter – flies in the face of the truth that we don’t listen until we are either ready to listen or forced to. The one I did as part of the challenge didn’t fit directly. It does, however, imply the superpower of silence in the face of argumentative accusation or criticism. The last few years seem to have made it apparent that we all must practice the fine art of allowing information to penetrate our idiotic heads. To give people the benefit of the doubt when we want to judge them. To know that despite the consequences of our actions, most of the time, our intentions didn’t lead us there. To know that idle gossip is fun (of course it is), but it also perpetuates misinformation. This happens both in our personal lives and in our society in general.
I’m as guilty as anyone else of doing it. We all recognize the dragonfire of defensiveness when we hear people repeat things that are wildly untrue. Or worse, when they are actually true!
I have no right to advise anyone, regardless of age. I’ve learned so many lessons that I obviously can’t consistently implement. I guess you could say Life Lessons are algebra. You’ll learn it but never use it again.
Love, X
.
Initiating Intimacy
Many couples struggle with this, too.
The New People Rule
This seems obvious doesn’t it?
Love Veto Power
A lot of couples struggle with this.
I apologize for the auto captions not working on this version.
Humory
Ha!
Imperfectionist
Join me!
A Personal Post
I hate it when I doubt my instincts!
People forget my background and the way I was raised. Yes, it was damaging. But it also left me with a visceral radar. There are times when I doubt it. I don’t know why because time after time, I discovered later that it was dead on, even when there wasn’t anything overt to signal my reaction. It’s important to know that I’ve been wrong, too – at least as far as I know. For people who don’t have it, I can’t quite explain the discomfort and unease some people transmit. It made me feel like the damage from my childhood broke something in me. Though I don’t like it now that I’m older, I think it is a strength. It’s sometimes caused me problems because I struggle to explain to people that other people around them might be concealing some serious defects. They look at me like I’m crazy. I’d like people to stop and seriously consider what I’m telling them, even if there is no evidence to support my radar.
Today, I discovered that I was more than right about someone. It gave me a little bit of PTSD for the day not long after my surgery when I thought I might have to do some serious damage. It led me to take one-on-one self-defense tutorials. Even with a long, painful scar in the middle of my stomach. The truth is that no one can stop bad people. The police, if they help at all, only ‘help’ after the crazy person has caused harm.
Today’s discovery was a revelation and affirmation. It proved that I wasn’t crazy, at least not that way.
Most people walking around are good, decent people. I still believe that.
But I also know that people have many secrets. Some dark, some personal. And among them are a few interspersed evil human beings among us.
I’m not going to share the details of one of the people I was right about. It’s disgusting any way you look at it. I knew the person was bad. I didn’t know how right I was. I was lucky – and so were a lot of other people. There were days when I expected the worse. There were days when I almost hoped I’d have to react. At least then, the person wouldn’t be around to do further harm. Or I’d be beneath a pile of brush somewhere in the fields. That I recognize a residual part of my dad in me, what I call “The Bobby Dean,” makes me laugh and a little nervous.
I realize that a small part of my continuing to do push-ups and stay in shape is that people will see an older man with a smile. They’ll assume I don’t have a radar that warns me about them. I’m still wondering why I continue to have self-doubt when it goes off. My life teaches me over and over that I shouldn’t. I never fear people when they approach me, when they need help, or even when they are acting strangely. I’m very open to people. It’s the ones you don’t see coming that cause so much havoc.
Before finishing, I’d also like to say I’m disheartened that our system doesn’t do more to help people when they’ve identified the bad people. Someone in my satellite circle is currently experiencing a little bit of a nightmare trying to navigate the impersonal and bureaucratic system that is supposed to protect them. I’d like to be hopeful and enthusiastic, but I also know that there are times when things go wrong. Afterward, the people who could have done something inevitably ask, “What could we have done?”
The answer is, “Well, something!”
PS I don’t like the tone of these words, but since I’m an imperfectionist, I’m leaving them as is. Everyone brings their own filters and preconceptions to our behavior and words anyway. There’s no use trying to control or curate it.
Love, X
.
Rainy Thoughts
I took this video from my porch landing this morning.
Everyone was driving fast, crouched and ducking away from the rain.
No one seemed to take a moment to experience it.
The Camo Rule
Am I wrong?
“It’s not WHAT you’re hiding. It’s THAT you’re hiding.”
Another Dave Worthen classic line.
Since your partner hasn’t seen whatever you’re doing or hiding, they only have one set of responses: fear, anger, helplessness, and unlovingness.
You could be hiding a picture, a text, or anything. You could be hiding a huge secret. A secret life.
The reality is that they don’t know what it is.
It could be anything.
Given how common this sort of thing is, they’ve witnessed innumerable marriages and relationships explode as a result of these secrets. There’s good reason for them to fear it. Some people on the wrong end were great examples of loving, trustworthy partners. And they still fell victim to it. They know it might not reflect the person, but what solace can someone take from the fact that it wasn’t really about them?
That’s why hiding things is poison to a relationship. You might convince yourself you’re doing so to avoid hurting your partner. You aren’t. They deserve to know and to be able to respond and react accordingly, based on whatever is being hidden.
Relationships are partnerships. Both need access to the truth to feel trusted and trusting.
The act of hiding anything is a hammer to your foundation.
Everyone knows this because it is obvious.
But each person doing the hiding has a rationalization and a set of at-the-ready explanations. If they are approached with questions, usually the Dragonfire comes out to burn anyone getting close.
The person hiding simply prolongs the inevitable discovery of what’s being hidden.
That’s two blows: the hiding as an act and the content of what’s being hidden.
It significantly impacts them and their ability to trust other people – or even themselves. They had a spidey sense of something amiss and ignored it for the sake of the relationship. It impairs the current relationship. If it ends, it damages their ability to leave it behind them when they attempt to be with another person. The person hiding things goes on to another relationship, too, and without learning why how they handled their last one wrong will probably lead them to double down on the hiding with the next partner. It degenerates into an endless cycle for them.
High-value partners don’t want this in their most important connection in life.
P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 