I peeked out of the apartment and saw that there was a large spilled UHaul box in the fast lane by the intersection. Someone moving dropped a 75 lb box of really nice expensive clothing without realizing it. My first concern was someone speeding at 70 mph hitting it. I went and picked up the spillage and stuffed it back into the box. Traffic mostly stopped for me as I did so. I dragged the heavy box back over to the side of the road. Unfortunately, as good as the clothing is, it all started at a 36-in waist. Yes, I’m not going to lie. I was tempted to sort it and take some. But 36″ is way too big for me. I’m sure that the people moving had no idea that it fell off or where that might have possibly happened. It won’t last long as the errant passers-by see it. At least no one is going to hit it and do a Dukes of Hazzard. Although it would be an ideal speed bump. .
First, white sheets are ridiculous. Not only do they stain, but due to their interpretation when worn, in some parts of the country, it might get you into trouble. Ghosts know this. I wonder how many people involuntarily BECAME ghosts due to being a member of one of those ridiculous organizations?
Real ghosts do not wear white.
They also don’t need eyeholes for reasons that should be obvious.
Ghosts travel more in the daytime than at night. They hate that part of their job is to don a sheet and yell “boo!” at night. They prefer to Netflix & Chill like the rest of us.
I captured this one this afternoon on my Blink camera. The ghost is wearing shoes which seems odd.
If it comes back, I have a few questions. Ghosts are notorious for being oblique when you talk to them.
I don’t know where I lost my bank card. It seems like I remember forgetting to pull it out of the POS kiosk. Clarks tend to ask extraneous questions, often several in a row. There are times when I get immersed in a verbal tennis match, preferably a witty or humorous one.
I’m back at Arvest due to convenience. Yes, there were horrible experiences several years ago. Even when I opened this account, they mailed the first two cards to an address I hadn’t resided at in almost 10 years. It wasn’t an auspicious start. But it IS a good story.
I digitally locked my card yesterday when I realized I didn’t have it. I then called the help number expecting weird customer service. The lady taking my call was anything but boring.
It got interesting when she asked whether I would like a normal or decorative card. Of course I laughed. “If you only knew!” I said.
“How about you surprise me with one you like.”
There was a pause, and then she told me a personal story about how her husband refused to use the card she obtained for him. He replaced it with a boring normal one.
Despite her years of service, no one had ever asked her to pick one for them.
It tickled her.
I could literally get any type of card in the mail in a few days, which is amusing.
And now the bank employee has a first she’ll probably tell her husband about.
She should order him a new frilly, colorful one and put it in his wallet without asking.
I’m writing as my dubious alter ego, Middle-Aged Superhero. That adds credibility to my following prediction.
But living where I do in Fayetteville, avoiding the enthusiasm and clog of those who are fans is impossible.
Arkansas is going to win the game today against Alabama.
By 10 points.
Don’t bother calling me crazy.
That’s like telling a can of peanuts that it’s nutty.
I’ll probably miss the game, given that I’ll have to fly off and solve an emergent emergency.
If any of y’all are betting people, go ahead and liquidate your 401k and bet big against Alabama. We’re all going to work until we’re eighty anyway, so there’s no real risk.
Someone in line mentioned that the unmanned vehicle technology place was on the side of the same building.
I walked around and stopped just for a micro-second to look at the door sign, imagining what kind of company it was. I was about 15 feet away from the steps and the aforementioned door.
A man walked up behind me and asked, “Who are you? You look suspicious.’
With a very serious and consterned look on my face, I replied, “Yes, I am very suspicious of everybody.”
“No, I meant that you look suspicious.” He said, confused.
“Yes, That’s what I just said.”
I managed to look even more serious.
“You are acting suspicious,” he clarified.
“Because I’m reading and we are both in Arkansas?”
At this point, I smiled.
“What’s your name?” Humor obviously had not visited this fine fellow in quite a while.
“X,” I answered, pointing at my work badge. I knew he thought I was lying.
Because I could see that this guy was a male Karen, I said, “I am so sorry about your lunch,” as I walked away.
I didn’t look back and didn’t start laughing until I got back around the side of the building.
Because I want to, I will start with a random weird fact: the first McDonald’s Drive-Thru was created for military customers who weren’t allowed to be in public in their uniforms. I’m guessing nudity wasn’t an option.
Pre-emptive Intro: Look at those retro Elvis sunglasses! Feel free to submit my pictures as a visual for a “douche photo.” Even I cringe and laugh when I see it.
Listen, I know y’all are rich.
This means you don’t like your place smelling like dog farts or cat tootsie rolls. If you’re married to a man, you should be accustomed to it. If you have teenage boys, you might as well live in an Army dorm.
As noted philosopher SpongeBob said: “I smell the smelly smell of something that smells smelly.”
You can make really cheap do-it-yourself Febreze.
If you don’t love throwing money out, make your spouse or teenagers make the stuff for you at home. You can make it for much less than half a dollar a bottle. And it works just the same.
It’s not as cheap as a clothespin on one’s nose.
Febreze isn’t good for birds or Venezuelan Poodle Moth (which is real, and you should look it up!), but it’s pretty safe with all other animals. People with respiratory issues of any kind already know to be careful around this type of product. A lot of the commercial cleaners you buy can be replaced with simple things you make at home. I’ve noted that many homeowners wait until they need a flamethrower to clean some areas.
Most of the things you need for a basic homemade Febreze are already in your house. If not, your neighbor probably leaves their door unlocked, which is tantamount to implicit permission to borrow liberally from them.
Fabric softener, baking soda, alcohol, essential oils. You don’t need ALL those. There are various competing recipes on the internet. The ones which use fabric softener, white vinegar, a bit of alcohol, and water are the easiest. You can search for it using your favorite privacy-robbing web browser.
“Cleaning is putting stuff in less obvious places.” To which I’d reply: “Turn off the lights, and suddenly the mess disappears.”
Having said all that, do you know what works the best because it attacks odors at its source? Vinegar and water at mostly equal concentrations. Yes, the strong initial smell might throw people off, but it does a much better job after the application dissipates, as it attacks a lot of bacteria, something Febreze and knockoffs don’t. The smell will disappear. But so will a lot of what is causing the odors in the first place.
“Everybody wants to save the earth; no one wants to help mom do the dishes.” P.J. O’Rourke
Did you know that psychologically speaking, just spraying something that smells like a cleaner often gives a person a mental boost? It’s associative; the scent triggers a similar feeling to actually having cleaned. Even if you spray and then walk out on the patio and drink a cup of coffee.
If you make your own, you can make anywhere from 10-20 bottles for the price of one bottle of Febreze or a can of air freshener.
You can use the extra money you saved to buy something nice for yourself. Like one of those virus-zapping robots. It won’t remove the dust, but your dust will be germ-free.
Hint for bad housekeepers… remember some of my helpful tips. Hang underwear on the door, or leave a murder scene outline inside your front door and then apologize for the mess. Tell everyone the coroner just left. Either usually stops the Q&A or wrinkled noses as visitors enter your nest.
I pulled into the inconvenience store to gas up the car. It seems to need it every once in awhile.
At one of the businesses nearby, I saw a man taking photos of a really nice deep blue sports car. I don’t know if it was a Jaguar, Toyota Celica, or what because I stink at identifying cars.
After filling the tank, I walked as close as I dared and took my shirt off and started waving it above my head. After a few pictures, the young guy taking the pictures noticed me in the background and realized I was probably in the shots.
I don’t know whether he was about to admonish me or not, so I preempted him my laughing and waving as I walked away.
Yes I put my shirt on.
There’s no need to torture innocent bystanders with my amazing good looks.
As I stood on the landing this morning, the people I call Crew 14 were all standing around their front door. They were hilariously making fun of the new mustache of a mutual acquaintance of theirs. I’m assuming they were talking about a man but you never know. They were saying it made him look like an ’80s cop or a creeper. I couldn’t help but laugh. When they turned towards me, I then told them that’s why I trimmed my facial hair yesterday; that a creeper look of my own would be fair warning to anybody who wants to talk to me. I do sort of like look like a San Francisco policeman.
PS I was standing in the Harps parking lot this morning. I had just purchased a butane torch and 16 gallons of flammable floor wax. I’m just kidding about my grocery list. Someone kept hollering hey. I almost didn’t recognize my cousin Diane. I think I might have given her too many hugs. The fact that she put a taser on my neck and said I have to go was a subtle sign!
Bonus: I found out yesterday why Batman keeps the lower half of his face uncovered. I laughed and laughed at the dumb punch line. .
This morning, as I quietly stood on the landing, I heard someone below fail to realize I was standing above, listening to the sounds of the insects and watching the infrequent traffic. My cat Güino stood next to me, sniffing the air.
A series of staccato flatulent blasts interrupted the nature sounds.
They weren’t mine, in case you’re pondering.
One, two, three, four; the toots almost echoed against the cheap vinyl siding and the wooden platform above the anonymous performer.
I couldn’t help it.
I laughed.
Below, a single word was uttered: “Oops!”
If you can’t even fart outside at 3:30, nothing is sacred.
When I’m doing these goofy videos, it slips my mind I still have my cape on. This was the case a few minutes ago when I went out on the landing to do chores and favors. One of the neighbors was sitting in her SUV and looked up and laughed fairly raucously. When I came back up the stairs to the landing, another neighbor popped out his door and casually looked at me. Then his head whipped around again to take another look. I had no choice except to swirl my cape dramatically, because that’s what people do in those unusual circumstances. I wish I would have thought to jump over the side of the railing and then duck out of sight. This neighborhood could definitely use a superhero. Or even an average guy with a broom and sweeper. Dream big y’all!
PS I keep hoping during one of my many convenience store excursions that I have my cape with me. And that I catch someone in the commission of a crime. I think someone in a cape would startle a would-be criminal so badly that they would freeze. Also the news headline would be very amusing. I would totally pretend that I actually have super powers.
P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 