Another good example of misadventure… I could change the language to not be so onerous, but why? 

I had a couple of interesting social interactions before heading toward the creek. Good ones. I kicked off my shoes and left them in the car. I stood a couple of feet away from the trail edge. You’d have to be drunk and riding a bicycle with 2 ft handlebar extensions to make contact with any part of my body. 

I was putting my phone in my pocket as a man dressed as a summer sausage pedalled toward me. I won’t explain the comparison. Suffice it to say, it’s more than apt. 

“Get out of the effing way,” he shouted. I looked behind me confusedly and then turned my head as he passed me. 

“Johnsonville,” I said, and laughed. It couldn’t be offensive to him because there’s no way he could have understood the thoughts going through my head when I first saw him with that angry look on his face. 

He came to a precarious stop. “What did you say to me?” He half-shouted.

“I recommended both a hearing aid and an optometrist.” I couldn’t stop myself. Even though he did not understand my wit, I did. It seems fair if someone’s going to be out in public with anger issues, they better be prepared to eat the plate of creative sarcasm and buffoonery that I love serving. 

“Stay off the trail!” He sounded so unreasonable that I wondered why he didn’t have a part-time job with the White House as a peace negotiator. 

I had a flash of movie inspiration. “He’s already pulled over!” I tried mimic the dude from Super Troopers. For those who’ve seen the movie, you can picture the absurdity that I was experiencing.

Summer sausage was about to say something. 

But I had another flash of inspiration. I tossed my headphones to the grass and then began running. 

Summer sausage tried to pedal forward so fast that he was going nowhere, like a cartoon character hanging over a cliff with his feet frantically pistoning. 

When I said I took off running, I actually ran in place by frantically flailing my arms as if I were running the hundred yard dash without moving. 

Summer sausage did not look back as he finally started riding on the trail at an appropriate speed for exercise. In a way, you could say I had become his personal trainer by motivating him to speed up. 

My suspicion is that for the remainder of today’s bicycle ride, he kept his anger to himself. 

X

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If you need proof that sometimes I’m an ass..

I waited patiently at the counter of the inconvenience store. Not only is it perennially short staffed, but it was shortly after the expected shift change. I waited two to three minutes for the clerk to do her thing.

A woman came in behind me. I could hear her stamping her foot and muttering under her breath. “Geez, take your time buddy.” That’s not all she said. But you get the idea.

I turned politely and said,”I apologize for the wait. It’s shift change.” I smiled and nodded. The look on her face could best be described as a hybrid between spoiled milk and what a fart would look like if it took human form.

She rolled her eyes and ignored me.

To my delight, it took the clerk another two minutes to finish. The clerk exchanged a commiserating glance with me at the other customer’s behavior. The staccato click of the woman’s feet tapping the floor sounded like a drummer who took too much ephedrine.

I’m fairly quick on the draw. But giving me even a minute to plot my verbal revenge?

When I was done, I thanked the clerk and told her it was no imposition at all for her to have taken a bit to get her day started.

The woman behind me flung her items on the counter as if she had been attacked by wild bees.

“Hey, Karen, I hope you have the day you deserve,” I told her as she briefly made eye contact.

I heard the gears grind in her head as she attempted to understand exactly how I had had insulted her.

The clerk burst out laughing before she could stop herself.

Because I was already in an altered mood, I bowed slightly and made my exit.

I hope Karen does have the day she deserves.

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