This one makes people uncomfortable.
I “@” Dave Worthen on TikTok because I think it is a great analogy for him to compare – or criticize if he feels it’s wrong.
Love, X
Category Archives: Opinion
The Duh List For Phones (Please Argue!)
The Duh List For Phones
I wrote a series of bullet points like these for someone’s TikTok. They asked for 5. I’m a big fan of overkill, so here it is, stripped of the humor:
People first. If you’re with someone special or at a gathering, silence your phone and treat it as secondary to the event or the people in your presence.
The casual rule says that we can relax our rigidity when we’re with family, close friends, and partners – but you should keep it in the back of your mind. Using a cellphone in the presence of others is by its nature exclusionary.
Generally speaking, avoid texting while you’re having a face-to-face. If you do, politely ask for a moment.
It’s generally frowned upon to text/talk while you’re eating with others. It’s still not a good idea to leave it where people will see it flashing or hear/feel the vibration. Doubly so if it’s on the table.
IF you need to make/receive a call while eating, excuse yourself out of earshot of anyone trying to enjoy their meal. If you have important texts, please do the same.
Unless “everyone” has their phone out, keep yours tucked away too.
Just because your phone beeps or notifies you, it doesn’t mean you need to look at it or address it if you are with someone or a group. People first, and the ones (or one) you’re with trump others.
If you’re having a conversation, finish it before moving on to the next. Whether face-to-face or on the phone.
It’s a 24/7 world. Your phone has super-easy ways to keep it from ringing, beeping, or flashing. Use them.
Doubly so at work for the above.
It’s on you to assume that you could hear from any of your contacts at any second of the day or night. The person causing a notification might not be aware they are doing it.
With that in mind, YOU should take a second to ensure you’re not interrupted, woken up, or causing a disturbance where YOU are.
Likewise, you have do-not-disturb options on your phone for any time of the day or night – including when you’re sleeping.
You can set up exceptions where ONLY important people will go through anyway. For emergencies or whatever else.
Don’t talk on the phone when you’re paying unless it is truly important. And take a second to communicate that to the human helping you. Everyone universally shakes their heads at people that do this, but some haven’t understood the collective disdain for this.
Don’t text and drive. Or watch the latest episode of The Bachelor either.
No one likes seeing your screen at a theater. At all. Ever. It distracts anyone seeing the movie, play, or concert. Even if it’s “just for a second.” If everyone looks at their phone for “just a second” with 300 people in the theater… well, you get the idea.
ALWAYS turn your phone OFF if there is the slightest chance it will interfere with a funeral, church, business meeting, or any important occasion where people attend. The world will not end if you don’t have access for an hour. Humans evolved for thousands of years without immediate contact with the entire world. The entire group’s reason for attendance trounces your urge to be in constant contact.
It’s recommended to avoid using your phone while you’re doing your business in the bathroom. Unless you’re besties. But it’s true if you’re blathering on in a private conversation and other people have no choice but to listen. This applies to buses, doctor’s offices, etc.
Even though people don’t like hearing it, you sleep better if your phone isn’t in the bedroom. If it is, it should not flash, beep, or vibrate except for those on your emergency list. Study after study backs this up. Because you’re so attentive to your phone, it lingers at the fringe of your consciousness even when you don’t realize it. If it makes noise or light? Doubly so.
For business calls, voicemail is fine. For personal calls? Text instead and divulge at least the urgency or content of your contact.
If you get a text, don’t leave it too long “read.” At least politely respond with something similar: “I’m busy, but I’ll get back to you.” You can set pre-made messages to respond like this, too.
Never ask someone to wait to eat or drink so you can snap a picture.
Speakerphone in public is a no.
Talking about your nether-region warts in public is a bad idea, too.
Be aware that you generally speak louder than you think you do when you’re on the phone.
If someone is driving you, don’t use the time to jump into your cell phone. Unless it is a taxi or Uber. You’re in an enclosed space, and it’s a chance to talk or enjoy conversation with the person you’re with. It’s a common source of mild irritation for those driving to be ignored at the expense of a cellphone.
If someone is showing you something on their phone, resist the urge to reach for their phone.
As for group texts, err on the side of caution when including numerous people. If you see people not interacting at the same level, it’s best to ask them before the next time.
While we’re yapping about group texts… don’t use it to go across the line of appropriateness. Don’t be joking when it’s serious; don’t throw a wet blanket on the content by airing complaints or sidetracking the group. And no matter how clever you think you are, don’t drink and attempt to engage in group texts.
As you can see, as comprehensive as this list is, I’ve probably forgotten something.
And people will argue about some of them.
Phone etiquette is devolving, but the above list is generally accurate.
Love, X
I Want It All
Right?
Relationship Visibility
This is as true as anything I’ve ever said…
Answer
People inevitably misinterpret this. It’s not about immediately replying to texts or messages. Fundamentally, it’s about the confusion you cause when you don’t answer, much less read messages from people close to you. Sometimes the messages are literally important. Sometimes they are important because of the state of mind of the person sending them. When people get confused in that manner, most of them are wondering how you could have missed their message, given that your phone is almost biologically a part of your hand. I say that partly in jest. Most of us have experienced it. It’s hard to ask about it because it comes across as needy or accusatory.
Doing
For all of y’all who will attempt New Year’s Resolutions!
Love, X
Acceptance
I was asked to make a short TikTok to advise young people. “Don’t set yourself on fire!” seemed too obvious. Advising young people – or anyone else for that matter – flies in the face of the truth that we don’t listen until we are either ready to listen or forced to. The one I did as part of the challenge didn’t fit directly. It does, however, imply the superpower of silence in the face of argumentative accusation or criticism. The last few years seem to have made it apparent that we all must practice the fine art of allowing information to penetrate our idiotic heads. To give people the benefit of the doubt when we want to judge them. To know that despite the consequences of our actions, most of the time, our intentions didn’t lead us there. To know that idle gossip is fun (of course it is), but it also perpetuates misinformation. This happens both in our personal lives and in our society in general.
I’m as guilty as anyone else of doing it. We all recognize the dragonfire of defensiveness when we hear people repeat things that are wildly untrue. Or worse, when they are actually true!
I have no right to advise anyone, regardless of age. I’ve learned so many lessons that I obviously can’t consistently implement. I guess you could say Life Lessons are algebra. You’ll learn it but never use it again.
Love, X
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Initiating Intimacy
Many couples struggle with this, too.
Love Veto Power
A lot of couples struggle with this.
I apologize for the auto captions not working on this version.
A Personal Post
I hate it when I doubt my instincts!
People forget my background and the way I was raised. Yes, it was damaging. But it also left me with a visceral radar. There are times when I doubt it. I don’t know why because time after time, I discovered later that it was dead on, even when there wasn’t anything overt to signal my reaction. It’s important to know that I’ve been wrong, too – at least as far as I know. For people who don’t have it, I can’t quite explain the discomfort and unease some people transmit. It made me feel like the damage from my childhood broke something in me. Though I don’t like it now that I’m older, I think it is a strength. It’s sometimes caused me problems because I struggle to explain to people that other people around them might be concealing some serious defects. They look at me like I’m crazy. I’d like people to stop and seriously consider what I’m telling them, even if there is no evidence to support my radar.
Today, I discovered that I was more than right about someone. It gave me a little bit of PTSD for the day not long after my surgery when I thought I might have to do some serious damage. It led me to take one-on-one self-defense tutorials. Even with a long, painful scar in the middle of my stomach. The truth is that no one can stop bad people. The police, if they help at all, only ‘help’ after the crazy person has caused harm.
Today’s discovery was a revelation and affirmation. It proved that I wasn’t crazy, at least not that way.
Most people walking around are good, decent people. I still believe that.
But I also know that people have many secrets. Some dark, some personal. And among them are a few interspersed evil human beings among us.
I’m not going to share the details of one of the people I was right about. It’s disgusting any way you look at it. I knew the person was bad. I didn’t know how right I was. I was lucky – and so were a lot of other people. There were days when I expected the worse. There were days when I almost hoped I’d have to react. At least then, the person wouldn’t be around to do further harm. Or I’d be beneath a pile of brush somewhere in the fields. That I recognize a residual part of my dad in me, what I call “The Bobby Dean,” makes me laugh and a little nervous.
I realize that a small part of my continuing to do push-ups and stay in shape is that people will see an older man with a smile. They’ll assume I don’t have a radar that warns me about them. I’m still wondering why I continue to have self-doubt when it goes off. My life teaches me over and over that I shouldn’t. I never fear people when they approach me, when they need help, or even when they are acting strangely. I’m very open to people. It’s the ones you don’t see coming that cause so much havoc.
Before finishing, I’d also like to say I’m disheartened that our system doesn’t do more to help people when they’ve identified the bad people. Someone in my satellite circle is currently experiencing a little bit of a nightmare trying to navigate the impersonal and bureaucratic system that is supposed to protect them. I’d like to be hopeful and enthusiastic, but I also know that there are times when things go wrong. Afterward, the people who could have done something inevitably ask, “What could we have done?”
The answer is, “Well, something!”
PS I don’t like the tone of these words, but since I’m an imperfectionist, I’m leaving them as is. Everyone brings their own filters and preconceptions to our behavior and words anyway. There’s no use trying to control or curate it.
Love, X
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P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 