A new house is being finished adjacent to my apartment simplex. I told the landlord that I GUARANTEE I could get the new owners to cough up a new privacy fence if we take down the old one. He seemed doubtful: “That’s a lot of money. I don’t see how.” I smiled and said, “I’ll do the cleanup by the fence naked.” I could hear his eyeroll from five feet away.
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My tuxedo cat Güino is 15 today. He already celebrated by running out the door when I got up. He is amazingly spry for a cat his age and has always maintained his weight with unlimited food available for him. I snapped this picture yesterday afternoon as he lay in his massive cat castle structures in the main front window. The sun had warmed him so much that I thought I might be able to hear the microwave ding to let me know he was done cooking. He won’t get a cake, but he’ll get a barrage of cat juice and soft treats. Pretty much like he does every day. The life of a cat and companion.
P.S. His eye looks odd because he had been tucked into a ball before I roused him to take the picture.
Love, X
“I must break you.” Drago, from Rocky IV, as he stares at Rocky.
I love the line because it’s a metaphor or simile, or whatever the correct nonsensical grammar construct it is.
It does seem like life needs to break us. We are all supposed to experience the humility and realization that life is relentless and that we must rely on other people to be full people ourselves.
I like to joke that the only reason any of us keep our sanity is that life spaces out the punches enough instead of administering them simultaneously. Our conscious minds have memory and often torture us with carrying scars from the past. So the current punch overlaps with trauma and hurt that we haven’t dealt with.
Earlier in the week, I met someone who told me that she got fired one day and then found out she had cancer the next. And she’s still happy enough to keep smiling. Neither of her current obstacles are a result of her behavior.
And that’s the fun and folly of life. A lot of our misfortunes result from the recipe we follow for our lives. And the rest? They come at us randomly.
Though it’s just a movie, Rocky was outmatched by power and size. But he had something Drago didn’t. And that was the sheer magnificent power of will.
I know some of you have people like that in your life. They just seem unbeatable even though they’ve been knocked down so many times. I’m jealous of those people. They don’t have any magical or secret powers that aren’t available to the rest of us. It’s entirely mental. I need Mickey in my corner right now and Rocky’s will in my head.
Love, X
Let’s stop bashing each other about our religions and spirituality. Most of us have them because they define us in an invisible way. Yes, each of us believe some things that sound crazy to other people. I say that with respect, even though at times I admit that I can’t help but laugh at some of the things we believe. I dislike religions that inspire prejudice or marginalize women from being leaders. I understand that many people find comfort in religions that seem to go against my previous comment. Most of all, I love belief that demands the golden rule and reciprocity in all things. Spirituality is personal. Most of us set aside the particulars that we don’t agree with. And in the end, that’s all that should matter. A belief that pushes us towards being a better person and a better human to those around us. Though most people disagree with me, the particular creator we hold in our heart is secondary. Because if we are mistreating ourselves and other people, we’ve already violated the main principle that I think our maker would want us to follow. And if we don’t believe in a creator, I can’t imagine any one objecting to the ideal of acting as if we’re here with purpose. We can argue and bicker like all of our ancestors have done. The bickering is a distraction. Loving people act with love. We might grit our teeth at others in the process. The goal remains the same. Love, X
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Last Friday, I went to a get-together.The wind had knocked a huge limb into the power lines, so we were without power. The host went ahead and had the party. A friend and co-worker brought pinwheels she made. It turned out to be the only thing we ate and it was more than enough. The power being out, though a problem for other reasons, turned out to be the best thing for the party. Because we played with the dogs and I ran them to death out in the backyard, and we congregated inside the house and out. Just conversation, gossip, and goofiness. To me, it was the perfect embodiment of what being with people is supposed to be about. We can plan elaborate food and have a vision of what it should look like in our head. But when things go awry, the common denominator that matters is that people are together and sharing their time. All of you know me, and also know that I’ve always believed we often make too much out of holidays and planned events. Even if all we have to eat is a bag of chips and salsa, that should be enough. We might be hungry, but hunger is temporary. And so are people, even though it doesn’t feel like it as we pass our days and years. I’m glad the power was out. Which probably sounds crazy. Thinking about all the people in Central Arkansas and my favorite cousin, the power being out for an evening pales in comparison. It’s true that each time something unexpected happens, it’s also an opportunity to keep both feet moving and enjoy life. Because there’s always going to be power outage, a disaster, and things beyond our control. Love, X
As I walked down the hill at breakneck speed I caught up to another coworker. He’s an older guy who was raised in a very similar background to me. I took a fallen limb off the sidewalk and broke a 2-ft length of it free. I told him, “If you don’t pick up your pace, you’re going to get a switch on the back of your legs.” We both laughed. And then he told me a story that I really enjoyed: “When I was a young boy, I got a whipping with a stick quite often. My mom made both me and my brother fetch one. So we ended up getting the stick for one another instead of ourselves. My brother thought he was smart and got the gnarliest rough one he could find, intending it to be used on me. Mom took it out of his hand and then turned him around and gave him what for with that horrible stick. As my brother howled in pain and protest, I was crying so hard tears ran down my face. So when it was my turn, I hardly felt it, knowing I was gonna tease my brother for weeks. He ought to have known that you can’t outsmart your mama.”
Love, X
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This morning, even though my mind was in a shambles, I drove down to the convenience store in the other direction. An older man I hadn’t seen in a while was working. I got my soda and a sandwich and said l, “Hey, it’s nice to see you. It’s been a while.” He smiled and said, “Thank you I’m glad to be back.” And then he told me that he had a quadruple bypass. When he said it, I did notice I could see the top of the angry scar at his neckline. After I checked out, a couple of women came in. Even though it was not quite four in the morning, they said the same thing I did. It was his first day back on the job on the midnight shift. I felt so badly for him, having to come back to a job on the night shift after such a terror. We swapped stories about waking up with the nasogastric tube making us feel like we were choking to death. The two ladies listened and told him they were glad he was back. I love accidental encounters with people. So many people have huge obstacles they have to deal with. And for him? Facing death but yet still getting up to go to work and being nice to everyone he meets. Though I had talked to him before, it was never really anything other than superficial and perfunctory. Love, X
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In the wreck of my day, the last thing I wanted to do was get out. For a lot of reasons. I tend to carry my emotions on my sleeve. But a mutual friend asked me to notarize something for somebody who really needed it. I met her at Fossil Cove. It’s a stone’s throw away from where I live. When I approached the bar and asked the bartender for the woman by name, I could see that she hesitated, wondering what I could possibly want. But I explained myself, knowing she probably thought I was up to no good. Had she noticed my name on my badge, that probably would have made her even more nervous. And she hollered over at the woman I was going to help. I’ve never charged anyone for notary. And never will. When she told me what she had gone through, a click turned in my head. I sat and looked at this woman, realizing that she had an impossible smile on her face given the information she just shared. I’m not certain I could have a smile on my face in her situation. But she did. That little click I felt in my head was perspective and gratefulness slamming into me. Even in chaos. I could feel that my mind wasn’t right. I’m glad I got out and did that favor for a friend and for the woman. I needed it.
Love, X
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Personal Post
I’m the opposite of private across the board. I have a blog and a TikTok. I also write things for others because I don’t know how to turn off the spigot that runs in my mind.
One of the things that drive me bonkers is the misconception that people have about me. No one can call me a hypocrite because I always say it first. Whether it was having an emotional affair while I was married, having herpes, or admitting how susceptible I am to the alcoholism problem that infects many in my family. As you can see, I don’t keep those things private. A couple of people have been shocked that they’ve seen me with a cigarette. It’s about the stupidest thing for me to do, even though I foolishly use it as a substitute for anxiety treatments. I’d rather people know who I am, even if those things are hard to say openly.
I try to be as transparent as possible. A few months ago, I realized how idiotic I was being by getting away from that. Secrets infect a person worse than a virus. Because you can’t be open and yourself if you’re protecting a version of yourself.
But one of the vortexes I got stuck in is the privacy versus secrecy issue that plagues many lives and relationships. If you have a partner, don’t keep things in your life or on your phone that would be hurtful to the people you love. That it’s wrong to do or say anything that you wouldn’t want your partner ever to see or hear literally goes without saying. If you’ve gotten away from that? It’s never too late to wake up and be grateful that you found someone who loves you.
It’s important not to get weighed down by your past because everyone can renew at any point in their life. It doesn’t erase the past. I’m still accountable for those mistakes.
Recently, I was accused of being controlling. If wanting the best for someone is controlling, I’m definitely guilty. I worked hard to be the person I should be. At the same time, history and imagery beyond my control infected my head. So, I have to pay for my mistakes again.
I slept about an hour last night. I can do quite well on five a night. Because of that, I let my coworkers down by calling in this morning and failing to go to work. I love my job for many reasons and don’t want to lose it. It’s been a sustaining thread in my life for 18 years.
I’m 56. All I want is to be loved and have someone in my corner. We can both know each other’s demons, shake our heads at our idiocy, and move on. If you go to my TikTok and read through the innumerable videos I’ve made, you will get the idea that I do have a grasp of what makes people happy with themselves and their relationships. That ideal infects me. I’ve also helped several people in a counseling group. I tell them what I did wrong openly and share all the things I’ve learned in therapy. Obviously, I still don’t practice them well. Anyone who knows me can see it. At some point soon, I’m going to give Al-Anon a try because I need it.
But above and behind all this? Secrecy is the worst. And now, you’ve learned more things about me that you wouldn’t expect to see on social media.
I included a picture of me that Erika took before I performed the marriage of my deceased wife’s niece. It was one of the happiest days I’ve had in my life, even though one moment filled my eyes with tears and reminded me of the people I’ve lost. I had people I loved around me on Saturday. Trusting me to fumble performing the wedding, but also sharing their special day with me.
Love, X
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P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 