Category Archives: Social Rules

Tell Me More

It’s not that most people truly believe that news is fake or not.

It’s identity.

You can’t put all your eggs into a basket and have contradictory information presented to you. 

It’s an assult on your sense of identity. That’s uncomfortable for people. 

If you are demonstrably wrong, you have only two real options: acknowledge the information, accept it, and incorporate it into changes of belief and opinion. The other option, one we see all the time, is to become defensive and reject both the information and the need to adapt to it.

Information isn’t dangerous. Rejecting anyting that doesn’t conform to objective reality, however, creates a majojr problem for rationality and reason, both of which allegedly drive most of ur lives. This tendency to reject information has significantly warped our ability to live in society. Appeals to reason aren’t revered as they once were. 

It can be religion, politics, science, or behavior.

Even though I’m not explaing myself thoroughly, something simliar came up earlier in the week. Someone was incredulous about weather prediction, doubting the way it is done, etc. They lacked a significant grasp of basic science. Among those things were not understanding the proximity of Doppler radar or how the curvature of the earth affects rapid detection of dangerous storms. While I didn’t have to spell it out, I watched in real-time as the person struggled to find a way to admit they didn’t understand what they were complaining about. From that inablity came further assertions that aren’t sustainable.  There is no harm in admitting we don’t know. All of us are ignorant about different things. But all too often people double down. I respect people more if they say, “I don’t know” or “I don’t understand.” 

Science is the best example to use that creates the least anger. Its very nature is to suggest an explanation and then test it. Conclusions must change with new evidence. It’s how we have medicine, technology, and industry. All progress depends on it. 

If you ask science, “Is there a god?” it can say, “I don’t know.” The ability to say “I don’t know” is a hallmark of genius. It doesn’t say, “There is no god,” because negatives can’t be proven. It says, “Tell me more,” because information doesn’t threaten the scientific process. Uncertainty brings investigation and thought. Certainty brings rejection and stagnation. 

Any system of thought or ideology that precludes questioning is, by its nature, close-minded. Any answer that is supposedly obvious would mean that most people would agree. Observation proves that to be false. 

If you’re not a “tell me more” person, you’ve cut yourself off from knowledge and growth. Saying “tell me more” doesn’t weaken your theology or faith. It doesn’t have to dilute your politics. As I like to say, when we look at our past, we shake her head at some of the things we believed. It’s easy to admit you’re wrong with enough time. But somehow we all too often like to think we’re not wrong, even though our own lives prove we have been multiple times.

I think most of us prefer “tell me more” people. 

I know that the bean soup people might read this and completely miss my point. Or focus on one small aspect of what I’ve written. If you don’t know what bean soup people are, that’s a discussion for another day. 

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Wisdom

If you’re interested in the wisdom of experience, I’ve got some words for you. I did the peculiar thing that I sometimes do and asked an older man to hit me with some important things he had learned.

“Who we are is who we are going to be,” the older man said, his face rigid with the wrinkles of certainty and experience.

“These lips are mine and are the same lips I used to excuse how I wasted my youth. Putting off things I should have done. Listening to what people say instead of watching what they do. ‘I’m gonna’ is for sure one of the dumbest things we say to convince ourselves that talking about it is the same as doing it. And when we hear other people say it, most of the time we know they’re not gonna. Stop drinking. Stop smoking. Not waste money. Get out and enjoy life where they can. How do I know? Because if they wanted to, they would be doing it now instead of talking about what they’re going to do. If we ain’t doing it today, we ain’t gonna. You gotta work with what you have and stop waiting for the perfect day. You might not get another sunrise. Nobody never got anything done by waiting for it. Don’t waste your time arguing with people or the world. Likely you can’t change them. Wanting things to be another way is like trying to get full by smelling what’s cooking on the stove. The fewer things you want or think you need will get you pretty far.”

“Anything else?” I wanted to give him the chance to add if he wanted to.

“Nah. If somebody can take two or three things out of all that and do them, they don’t need much else.”

I thanked him and told him I hoped he would have a good afternoon.

“I will. I’m going to sit down and do nothing. It’s amazing how far doing that can get you most of the time.”

I laughed. He was right.

About all of it.

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Dynasty

Phil Robertson’s previous fame is an interesting example of someone being used as an anchor to glamorize controversial beliefs. I’m constantly confused by fame whitewashing behavior that violates the precepts of the religion being espoused. It is hypocrisy, one that money conveniently dispels.

Duck Dynasty was marketing genius when it started. The right people at the right time, to get viewers. I don’t fault anyone involved in the project for taking a simple idea and running with it. We tend to reward oversimplification. 

Many people don’t know Phil fathered a daughter by having an affair. The family welcomed the newly-discovered daughter despite her origins. That’s a good thing. Regardless of how she came to be, she holds no accountability for the actions of her father. Or her mother. People are complex and where sexuality treads, you can be certain that misbehavior will happen. It always has. I love watching people moan about what others do in the bedroom. I’ve seen too many people do the same thing and then attempt to allege they’ve never behaved that way. It’s the same mindset that allows far too many people to disparage the younger generation, who aren’t straying far from the blueprint we created when we were younger. 

In too many ways, my own dad echoed the pattern of Phil Robertson. He was a troublemaker fueled by alcoholism and anger. He too fathered a daughter that we didn’t know about for decades. Like Phil, my dad had affairs, especially when he was younger. I know that Phil had family members to love him. That part of his story makes me happy, happy, happy. He got to know the daughter from his wilder days. That’s the kind of acceptance that I always wish for for everyone involved.

My family comes from Southern roots just as Phil’s did. Both benefited from growing up in a society that legally denied equality to much of the population. It preached superiority and encouraged bigotry, all backed by the alleged support of their relgious beliefs. That stain takes generations to remove, if at all. It’s how we end up with people venerating the flags of defeated ideology and insisting that the cause was something more noble. God must have been wrong about slavery; otherwise, the side suppporting it would have prevailed. (Or so some people say, incorrectly asserting that universal right always prevails. It doesn’t.) The same is true for bigotry associated with being gay. If any book can be used to justify both sides, there’s either a problem with the book, the people interpreting it, or both. 

Had a film crew documented everything my dad did and said, he too would have faced a backlash. The only difference is that Phil Robertson had the fame to use his limelight to spout. I’m not saying he was wrong about everything. He wasn’t. But if you look closely, you’ll see that his beliefs coincided with the values and things that supported his small circle’s way of life. His worldview didn’t allow for inclusion of people not like him. 

Yesterday, I delved into the complexity of celebrities who believe nonnense. Elizabeth Moss and Tom Cruise of course entered the mix. We can engage with them as celebrities. That same celebrity gives them the money and means to disguise what lies behind their ideologies. 

What bothers me most about the example of Phil Robertson is it leads to nonsense like the State of Texas attempting to mandate the commandments in public schools. It hasn’t worked in churches – and it won’t work in schools, either. It’s always about control and the imposition of people’s religious beliefs onto others. I can’t help that saying this pisses off those who follow an authoritarian version of religion. 

What does work? Living the message of compassion. Education. Helping others. Prioritizing policies that improve people’s lives instead of starving them, denying them healthcare, or subjecting them to exclusionary behavior. Stop trying to condemn or control people. If you embody the message, you don’t need coercion or control. People gravitate toward authenticity. Loving behavior is demonstrably loving. That’s why we should value actions over words. 

If you’re voting against giving people food, education, housing, or healthcare, but actively funding machinery of war and destruction, you’re not doing it right. If you’re rewarding the wealthy at the expense of those with less, I would say greed and corruption have infected you.

We constantly struggle against the narrow-mindedness of fear and prejudice disguised as both politics and religion. 

That’s what got us to where we are. Phil was an integral part of the backlash that allowed an imposter to reinvent himself from a misogynist, failed businessman, and bigoted television star into a leader whose biggest contribution is anger and divisiveness. 

It’s what gave us the powerful ficitonal example of those in Gilead, with one side using the name of God to insist they have the right to do almost anything to further their cause. The difference is that one side argues for equality and compassion, whereas the other fights for dominance, subjugation, and control.

Could Duck Dynasty entertain? Yes, of course. But it also masks our perceptions of what lay beneath it. It makes me think of another family member, one admired in his small pond of like-minded people. He despised minorities, gay people, and anyone different. He used his influence to ruin people’s lives if they attempted to ascend to his level. Not figuratively. Literally. And he did those things with God on his lips. 

You can’t ignore the smirk and snarl behind the curtain. You get both when you entertwine celebrity and belief, just as you do with the people you know. 

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Choose

Because people are reluctant to share the things that they wish they could say to someone who needs to hear it, I hope that each person reading this stops to consider that it may have been written for them.

It’s not about being a man. 

It’s about being a person who communicates openly and boldly when needed. 

Everyone has trauma, most have experienced betrayal and loss, and others lack self-confidence for their own reasons. 

Behavior can be learned and it can also be unlearned if you’re motivated.

Each of us has defects and things that cannot be changed or taken back. 

We also possess things that can be changed. Most things that are worthwhile require effort. 

If your goal is to socialize and to become intimate with other people, you must be willing to work on the things that you can. 

Failing to do so is a passive decision to let others know that you will not move past where you are. 

We must play the cards we’re given rather than the ones we wish we had. 

You start with small steps today. 

People notice that you’ve acknowledged you’re taking as much control as you can. 

No one wants someone perfect. But everyone wants someone moving in the right direction. 

We find value in someone who recognizes that action is required. It erases a great deal of the things that give us pause.

Confidence is attractive, often rivaling humor and wit. 

Pursuing what you want magnetizes us. Knowing that someone values you and wants you is an element of attraction that’s often overlooked.

Resist complaining about the current situation. Stop talking about what you’re going to do. Instead, commit to movement and action.

Let the changes be reflected in your behavior and the words you choose. Live confidently and honestly. 

Some of the things in your heart and reflected in your words will make you fearful of rejection. The truth is we all share a lot more in common than we realize and it’s only through communication that allows us to interact as human beings. 

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Do Unto Others

If “Love thy neighbor as thyself” is too much, “Don’t be a dick” is a workable compromise.

If you’re averse to complexity, “do no harm” is a nice recap. “Stop hitting me in the face” is the minimum expectation.

“Live and let live,” if only for the entertainment value of observing human beings as we claim to use reason and logic, yet behave as if we are hyenas caught in an electric fence.

If your personal beliefs or religion (arguably and allegedly) forbid tramp stamp tattoos, drinking, bikinis, sex on a seesaw, rainbows, compassion, handlebar mustaches, caffeine, smoking, eating animals, or voting sensibly, then observe the beliefs you’ve chosen. 

The greater the tendency a person has to impose their chosen beliefs on others, the greater the probability the afore-mentioined person is an asshole. (One who has yet to discover the agony of someone else telling THEM how to live.)

I’m too old and too cranky to listen to the various forms of dogma and indoctrination go to war with each other about whose book says what. If you live your life the way you want and others do the same, everyone’s much happier. It’s not my fault no two denominations agree, much less the individuals inside of each group. It’s remarkable that most people use the same book, yet no two people agree on the interpretation or the applicability of the contents to their lives.

You don’t have to help someone on the side of the road if they have a flat, but it would be nice if you don’t shout “You should have planned your life better” at them as you drive by and then steal their tire iron. 

A lot of what we’re experiencing in society is the metaphorical equivalent of the flat tire scenario. 

If recent events are any indication, the ones who disagree won’t like it any better than the rest do if the dynamic flips and they are the ones being hindered or silenced. 

Reading the idiocy about the anti-Christian bias proposals gives me a multitude of thoughts and concerns. Very few people are anti-Christian, but attempting to favor one religion over another or a paticular brand of one is un-American and prohibited under the constitution. Everybody’s religion has elements that everyone else looks at and rolls their eyes. It’s human nature to misunderstand the beliefs of others, not to mention scoff at holy water while putting on their magic underwear. 

You can’t demand conformity for others and then reject it when it’s your turn to suffer the consequences of those abusing power to tell you that you must follow ideology you don’t agree with. 

For those who’ve studied history, no one wants theocracy. It inevitably disintegrates into an unrecognizable and extreme mess that satisfies no one and limits our ability to live freely.

Each of us is free to exercise our religion but that freedom ends where another person’s freedom begins. Especially if bacon or coffee is involved. 

47 and people like him have continued to co-opt religion for their own purposes. It’s a story as old as time. I could not have imagined that our country would seemingly embrace the folly of someone so unqualified to represent the grace of belief and religion. 

I don’t dislike religion. I dislike dogma and the infinite amount of zealotry that some people have when they seek to dictate how other people live in a free society. 

I’ve started carrying protology referral cards in my wallet. Don’t be surprised if I hand you one. Since I’m an ass sometimes too, you can hand me one if you catch me behaving similarly. I’m the guy who sits in the back pew because I’m not fond of lightning strikes. 

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The Great Experiment

I was in DC when I was young. Historical monuments and artefacts take on different meanings as you experience more in life. Witnessing the ebb and flow of government and the people who deem themselves worthy to serve us as public servants.

As for the Declaration of Independence, I can’t read it without feeling as if bolts of hypocritical lightning might strike me. Only a small percentage of adults have read the entirety of the document. Read it again if you have a few minutes and tell me that you don’t feel massive cognitive dissonance upon doing so. Regardless of your political affiliation, you will feel twinges of recognition in light of current events.

Most of us were taught that the document embodied the ideals of those who assembled around it. But then we independently learned about the struggles of women and minorities wanting their place at the table along the white men who kept a straight face while signing a document indicating that we are all equal.

Two and a half centuries later, we’re struggling with the consequences of corrupted capitalism, oligarchy, and white christian nationalism, all of which now boil in the crucible focused by someone who has no substantive interest in treating the Constitution as sacred.

It’s strange to me that as individuals we mostly want to be left alone, yet so quickly join forces with movements and groups that collectively seek to accentuate inequality and promote favoritism toward their particular cause.

I’m a liberal and as such, I relish the days when we actually return to following the concepts of the Constitution. That we stop saying words like equality if we are going to behave as if the term applies only to our cohort. If we continue down this road toward marginalization or reduction in freedoms while simultaneously imposing a particular religious viewpoint or worldview, it is a certainty how this great experiment will end.

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(An Odd Zen Realization)

Every path comes with a price.

Decisions narrow your options. 

You can’t travel to two places simultaneously.

To choose one thing lessens your ability to do others. 

To choose one person is an exclusionary decision.

Specializing in one job means you can’t work elsewhere. 

Setting aside time for a hobby reduces the time, energy, and concentration for others. 

The contradiction in life is that unlimited choices aren’t real. 

Once you’ve chosen, the battle is appreciating the hobbies, the people, the job, the place you live, and all the results of narrowing your options. 

In all things, be as enthusiastic as possible in the choices you’ve made.

Happiness results from freely choosing and doubling down on what you’ve chosen. 

Freedom is the ability to make those choices. 

Money can’t buy happiness but it definitely provides options. 

Perversely, most people do not take fruitful advantage of the options that money provides and instead insist on accumulating more wealth. 

What would your life look like if  your financial situation could never improve?

Make your choices deliberately and wisely.

Time is limited. 

Avoid passive choices or paths you didn’t take on purpose.

What approaches us will likely greatly reduce our ability to make choices. 

Chaos is inevitable and you need to understand that even if you do everything correctly, you can still fail by whatever measure you judge by. 

We live our lives independently, but each of us is subject to a myriad list of things out of our control.

Each of us will need to adopt a new attitude and find ways to do more than merely survive. 

If you can’t be creative and find a way to live meaningfully when things get tough, you will needlessly suffer.

There should be no shame or regret if your choice is to live in the moment.

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Over

47 himself said any president who presides over a 1,000 point drop on the DOW should be impeached immediately. We owe it to a man of such high honor to be held accountable to his own words. Unless they were just one in a million examples of the fatuous bullsh*t he’ll say to dupe enough people to be king.

He’ll offer his hateful brand of politics at the State of the Union address. Countless people who know better but feel like they have no choice will line up behind him to defend the nonsense he manages to enunciate.

Meanwhile, the country is in disarray. It certainly was not perfect prior to the second coming of 47, but it was manageable and subject to the terms and conditions of rationality and sometimes broken cooperation.

The carnage he creates will continue. The water will grow hotter and he will continue to create divides among those of us who would otherwise disagree passionately but still proceed about the business of living our lives in this country.

Donald, as Justin Trudeau correctly named him today, will destabilize our government sufficiently to render it unrecognizable. Even to those who support him. He’s already managed to destroy decades of relationships with our allies. Mathematically speaking, two points are sufficient to draw an infinite line. Likewise, the arc and trajectory of what he’s doing can only end in one place.

I catch myself wishing he would just get it over with and succeed in his ultimate goal to destroy the history and authority of the government we’ve all enjoyed until this point. So that in this manner, we would have no choice but to turn our eyes towards survival instead of feeding our souls with the foolish hope that the people we elected will stand up and demand that the Constitution be followed and to tell him that no man has the authority to circumvent the political process.

If we continue on this course, 47 will be the last president of the United States as we know it.

Chicken Little no longer has the energy to run amok and squawk that the sky is falling.

For all his supporters, I hope you get what you wish and deserve in your choices. That this paragraph sounds like a warning should itself be a worthy indicator of what you’ve chosen.

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The Danger of Uncertainty

One of the reasons apocalyptic shows and books are so fascinating is that they share the themes of human morality. When deprived of food, comfort, or stability, our prefrontal cortex surrenders to the amygdala, the lizard part of our brains. One of the truths of human nature is that much of our morality is built on the foundation of having our basic needs met. When your brain overwhelms your critical thinking, it takes a massive effort to overcome the instinctive response that results. People underestimate how complex our instinct mode is – or fail to appreciate how our brains misinterpret danger signals, even in everyday life. In short, you can’t think about goodwill toward men or write poetry when your belly growls.

The above partially explains why judging someone is easier when things get complicated.

This is one reason massive social change is a losing bet. While people might be fed, they lose their sense of continuity, security, and stability. Going hungry pulls the nail out of human decency. Too much change takes away people’s ability to cope. This is true even if the changes are favorable. It’s no accident that rapid technological change and its consequences bring anxiety. Because we’re all sitting in the same soup pot, we frequently fail to see the bigger picture because we focus on the symptoms rather than the central issue.

This is obvious to those of us who were threatened by the absence of our needs being met growing up—those who haven’t don’t experience the same reality. Your body and brain don’t forget the trauma caused by feeling threatened or in danger.

If a person or people in society reach the tipping point toward helplessness, things get ugly quickly. The 4% rule stipulates that only a tiny portion of the population can trigger massive social movements or react to sudden changes. It’s as if our collective subconscious realizes that the status quo isn’t working. We often seek a resolution, even a bad one, over continuing in the current state. We sometimes burn down the house to get rid of the houseflies.

This is another valid argument for ensuring that we care for everyone’s basic needs. If we do not strive to meet people’s basic needs, chaos will bubble up – and often universally trigger a volatile reaction.

Some are blind to the ideal of the American Dream that most of us grew up believing: work hard and be rewarded. Or that government is the cohesive force behind it all to provide stability. Current events have put these components in jeopardy. You can’t effectively destabilize the government without hitting the hornet’s nest of societal upheaval. If you monkey with the stability variable, you’ll get some nasty results. People will set their metaphorical houses on fire instead of rationally attempting to adjust to what feels like uncontrollable chaos.

It’s fascinating to watch the younger generations react. They are the critical ones, watching and learning invisible lessons. It falls to them to decide what will become of the mess the dinosaurs of today are creating. They don’t see themselves as the future because, like us, they mostly grew up thinking that society’s undefined “adults” had things in check. We do not. We are winging it and ignoring the dangers of continuing on this path of uncertainty.

These are just thoughts that not everyone understands.

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Fool’s Wish

Praying isn’t going to help my helpless and hopeless friends
God slept through the Holocaust, so I doubt he cares how this ends
He might have put all this in motion, but he’s left the building

Though you think you’re on the side of righteous
The other side thinks you’re completely wrong
Ain’t no use competing with deafness and fervor


We have to run and jump in the water no matter how deep we find it
Some of us are going to get pushed and experience confinement
But that’s going to happen anyway, even if we keep our hands at our sides

What you don’t know about bullies is that they don’t need an excuse
They’ll punch you even if your arms are at your sides
It’s a lesson learned by millions of women throughout history

Some people need enemies no matter how they find the world
Others take pleasure in inflicting harm and constant pain
You can’t placate or talk them down from their thrones

Bullies are hard-wired to respect nothing but violence
It takes a greater force to shut them up for good
Waiting for someone to step in is a fool’s greatest wish

No logic, compassion, or love will reach them
Wishing it won’t make it so
The only thing understood is karmic retaliation

God slept through the holocaust, so I doubt he cares how this ends


Blowhard

Everyone’s had that experience at a party or social gathering. One guy, and it’s almost always a guy with too many opinions, (not to mention an endless supply of drinks)  is a domineering a******. You don’t want to be directly rude to the host and tell them why you’re ducking out early or on the invitation itself. 

Social media in many ways is similar. Each person gets to gatekeep not only their content, but those who participate as well. It reminds me of attending a party with that one guy who is so negative he might as well be half of a battery terminal. This dude rarely sees himself as negative. 

Increasingly, I realize that I’m hitting block a lot more quickly. Not because of disagreements, but because I wouldn’t want that person in my conversation, much less in my living room. 

One of my social media friends, one whose opinion I respect, always had a couple of blowhards who didn’t understand the concept of volume, frequency, or disagreeableness. Although it’s unfair, I name those people Mike when I run across them. 

I recently learned that one of my friend’s biggest blowhards passed away. I will admit that I initially felt relief upon hearing about it. That doesn’t paint me in the best light – but it’s true. A debilitating case of carpal tunnel would have been enough. 

Repeating what I said before, it’s not about disagreements. Rather, it’s about disagreeableness. 

As for people insulting me, if it’s creative, I don’t care what their motive is. I love being snarked and insult-burned if it’s done with finesse and intelligence. This is in part true because I steal the good ideas. 

It’s very difficult for me to get insulted if the insult comes from people I don’t know or whose opinion I don’t respect. 

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