I disguised one of my jokes in a picture of myself, having a Ted Cruz moment with my cat.

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The power of ‘no’ is too often tempered by the ‘maybe’ of not wanting to anger your friends or family.
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In an ongoing dislike of sports, I re-named jump rope to ‘jump nope.’
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“It’s only negativity when other people are saying it.”
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One of Richard Nixon’s actual campaign slogans was this: “They can’t lick our Dick.” Absolutely true historical observation – nothing dirty about it.
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“Don’t sweat the small stuff.” While this statement is great, it is equally true that it is passive-aggressive as hell, as it allows disengaged or unfamiliar people to judge the largely hidden issues you are experiencing.
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“I wouldn’t ask you to engage with the horse you rode in. Animal cruelty is where I draw the line. And who is to say the horse has no standards?” – Best opening line for a new comedy movie I have no interest in writing.
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“Focus on the positive.” Another great cliché. But sometimes, you must shout your irritation and/or disagreement when it isn’t convenient for bystanders, even if the pastor is just getting started.
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“It could be worse.” Yes, that’s true. And I will gleefully remind you of that when I’ve yanked off your yellow $70 scarf and asphyxiated you with it. It could definitely be worse – for you. ‪
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When the boss says, “We’ll figure it out,” in case you haven’t noticed, this is management code for “I have no idea. Let’s wing it and see which side of the bread lands on the floor.”
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It was a sad day for Batman. But not for Gloveman, Baseman, or Flyballman.
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In a mad rush to get away from work and all the anguish he suffered there, he found himself standing in an open field, half-naked, laughing, and joyous. It took the police four tasers to get him handcuffed.
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This world is not the worst of all possible imaginable worlds. I know this because in this world, Adam Sandler at least makes fewer movies than he could.
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“Work hard and work will be its own reward.” Another quote from that guy. You know the one, the asshole.
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Someone sneered and asked me, “X, do you think you are funny?” After a moment, I replied, “No, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to take a few notes about the way you are dressed to give me a better idea of ridiculous.” -X #oblivious

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“Many conservatives won’t object to Obama’s face on Mt. Rushmore, as it will finally be carved in white.” – X

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“Gomer Homer:” New term to describe when a racist white guy says something so patently prejudiced that he earns a free meal at the nearest Waffle Hut and an automatic bid to the Hick Hall of Flame.
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10 people shot and killed in Wisconsin. In a surprise twist, authorities now say they are looking for someone with a gun as the suspect.
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“Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they’re finished.” (Dan Gilbert) This is one of favorite reminders – avoiding that tendency toward certainty, especially where people are involved. It’s also a variation of another favorite sentiment of mine: “My opinions change with new information.”
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Forget “Cake By the Ocean,” I will take a Snickers Bar by the pond any day of the week.
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Why is syrup mainly limited to coughs and pancakes?
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I went to buy a Gregorian Chant CD and picked up the Gregarious Chant CD by mistake.
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I stopped stopped smoking. Doesn’t that sound better than “I started smoking again?”
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We need clever, less obvious ways to communicate to people that they aren’t pleasant to be around. Once a week, everyone in the office should vote. The person who has been the biggest pain in the ass the last few days should have to wear a Disney costume of our choosing for the entire day. ‪#‎disneyday‬
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If I were going to open a cubic zirconium store, it would be called Sham-Rock.
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I’ve wondered how much money I could make if I started selling autographed pictures of myself on Ebay.
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Lottery Reaction Rule: We will be glad that we are rich. But we will be happier that we can now look anyone dead in the eye and tell them they are behaving stupidly without fear of consequence.

Do me a favor, instead of imagining all the t-h-i-n-g-s you could buy with your lottery winnings, imagine all the cretins you can direct to the nearest lake for an impromptu bath. The boss who wouldn’t recognize logic if he were a roommate with Spock? Buy him a going-away present and ask him to do his part by going away. That sanctimonious guy in the next cubicle who thinks he talks directly to God? Buy him an Ouija board and some séance paraphernalia.

I think the fantasy of sudden wealth is the ability to be who you already are, able to stop pretending that the clowns deserve your time, to be as weird and literal as you would ever want to be.

The joke is on all of us, as we already have this magical power. We are just typically so fearful or risk-averse that we have convinced ourselves to swallow words, to avoid the footsteps that await us. I don’t need a mansion or sports car: I need the ability to hand out “Here’s your sign” placards like Xmas candy to the people are earning them.
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Sitting in the doctor’s office, I couldn’t help but notice a young affluent mother, trying to watch Fox News on the television while her energetic and inquisitive son ran from one interesting niche to the other. I’d guess he was around 8 years old.

A story filled the screen, conveying images of a youthful black man and the word “Arrested” emblazoned above his neckline with fierce graphics. The mother shook her head, clucked in disapproval and turned to her left, about to comment to another mother watching the TV as well.

“Stealing? There’s a shocker,” the first mother intoned, as if her words were stuffed with surprised wisdom.

The little boy scampered up to his mother’s knee and tapped her until she looked down at him.

“…But, mom,” he stuttered. “Didn’t we steal black people and bring them over here?”

I burst out in laughter, silently thanking Amy Schumer for the joke.
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It is dangerous to assume people will recognize humor, that is for certain.

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“Some detractors are telling Bruce Springsteen he should take his music off the radio, as he’s letting bigots hear it there. His reply: “What are you talking about? They never listen to anyone.” – X

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“If you operate a store, unless you can see the person’s genitals, you should never comment or change how you do business based on what they might or might not do with them. Unless you live in Alabama or Mississippi, this should address the problem.” – X

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I was walking near St. Bernard in New Orleans. My friends warned me to be careful before I went out. It was about 9 p.m. on a late August day. A sketchy-looking guy wearing dirty and ripped clothing leaned away from a dark building and asked me how I felt about dog fighting. I looked at him quietly for a moment and then replied, “I’ll do it so long as I don’t have to stay on all fours again.” That guy ran from ME.

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Sheriff Chuck Wright does have a point – the one on top of his pinhead. But it sells well to that certain crowd – you know which one – those who seem like they’ve just experienced a surprise lobotomy.

( “No one mentioned in that article is racist, but they are waiting for a sale on pillowcases and scissors.” – X)

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If I were granted the ability to create a machine (fantastical or confined to real possibility) capable of defying physics, I wouldn’t opt for a car which runs on water or a teleportation device, excellent choices that they may be.

My device would be a telephone, one that would allow anyone, once a year, to call their most beloved person in the world, dead or alive, and talk to them.

While we love our accomplishments, exotic trips to Mexico or Disneyland, or even our Lexus in the cold concrete driveway, when we lie down at night, tired and contemplative, we hearken to those we knew and loved. The past is not behind as so much as it is embedded into the grooves our hearts and minds, sometimes for us to replay lovingly. Many times, we would humbly and gladly offer up all our luxuries and bells and whistles, if we could just hear someone’s voice one more time.

Time tends to quietly rob of us of our deepest connections, the trivial memories which, when combined, create a longing greater than the sum of their parts. This desire to recall vividly our shared moments is as much of our humanity as any other need or desire. While we love our adventurous lives, none of the distractions compare to being loved and listening to the voices ingrained in our memories.

As you finish your day today and pull down the covers of your intimate bed, stop and ponder the idea of picking up the phone and calling your mom, your sister, the friend from high school who didn’t come home one night, or even the childhood friend who populated your imagination and time so many summer nights of your youth.

The still, surprised voices on the other end, waiting to share memories with you once more. Imagine that voice now, as he or she whispers, “Hello, is that you?” Your heart both soars and drops simultaneously.

“If you attempt to sell products on Facebook by not telling us what you are selling, it’s tantamount to ringing our doorbell wearing black pants and a white shirt, attempting to hand us pamphlets. Don’t be alarmed if you see the curtains move and hear the TV blaring but no one answers the door.” – x

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Corollary to the above: “And if you do tell us, don’t be alarmed if you see us turn off the lights, hit ‘mute’ on the TV, and no one answers the door.” -x

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“If you want to understand the concept of forever, go through the Drive-Through at the Springdale Whataburger location.” – x

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The common greeting or goodbye isn’t something I’m fond on. In a pinch, I will resign myself to a perfunctory “Happy Birthday” or signature on a card. For me, this sometimes serves as a surprise, as many of my friends and family are so accustomed to my unconventional ways. Being normal sometimes can surprise people, too.

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(Eye-roll alert) I’m not clear on who exactly is going to eat wolf chili…  Imagine how loud it is going to be when we get the new “Wolf Chili” canning plant here. I wonder if PETA is going to protest – and if so, will there be ‘howls’ of protest?

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If I owned a convertible dealership in Springdale, I would locate it directly across from the weight scales of the nearest poultry company. You can enjoy owning a convertible – just be sure that you know what you’re getting into.

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As I sit here pitying those with jobs best described as “needing Charmin,” I casually glance to my right and see a fellow human looking at ME with the same look of pity. The “Circle of Strife” continues unabated.

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“It’s easy to be too helpful – as when you are about to drown & someone throws you BOTH ends of the rope.” At least, that’s how the cliché goes. But sometimes, once you’ve seen who is already in the boat, drowning might seem more reasonable.