The words “accidental” and “cooking,” and “reasonable” mean different things to different people. – X
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Trump will do for education and fairness what he has done for the color orange.
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” No matter how they smile when they say it, if someone gives you the nickname ‘McGriddles,’ it probably is not a compliment.”
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‘Due to the lack of praise in the household for my culinary skills, I am proud to announce that I will soon open my first eatery, “Minimally Edible.” ‘
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If we are lucky, each of us remembers grandma on the porch, waving, watching us depart. We felt diminished by our departure. All of us now take turns being waving silhouettes, although we are often oblivious. Time is whispering at each of us, reminding us that there is always a last time we will wave with love and turn away.
The simple dreams. If each of us could see the world this way, too colorful to make small, too diverse to reduce to black and white.
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An analogy for either sports or prolonged politics…
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While I do enjoy standing menacingly along the edge of rooftops in low nocturnal light, this doesn’t make me Batman. Likewise, just because I might be great in one arena in knowledge or life does not grant me expert status in any other.
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(I posted this to social media to poke a friend.) Given the collective age at the recently-announced April get-together, I’m certain that a large asteroid is going to wipe us all out if we do convene.
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Wedding anniversaries are either a testament to the greater patience and perseverance of women or an indication that the threat of punishment for murdering us in our sleep is an adequate deterrent.
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I recently bet a writer friend of mine, “Any fool can write a romance novel.” She challenged me to do so; here it is: “He apologized sincerely, handed her the remote, finished the foot rub, moved away the dishes to do later, and asked what he could do to make his mother-in-law happier. They lived happily ever after.” She owes me $100. Random House Publishing optioned the book for two million dollars.
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Recently, I had someone make Dawn a magical fairy and pixie door. Like most magic novices, we didn’t realize that we were dabbling in both adventure and mischief. There are no ‘tame’ pixies, evidently.
Many times Dawn exits, I’ve heard faint echoes of a discordant banjo or of a high, lilting voice singing unfamiliar melodies. I think our pixie is named Crowder, as I’ve seen it written in the dust above the refrigerator and on a loose piece of carbon paper I left atop the coffee table one morning. He won’t use the obvious methods of communication – believe me, I’ve tried.
This picture is of our cat Güino sitting on a stool, looking out to watch Dawn, who had went outside to cool off. It was a typical Saturday morning. I imagined I heard singing and waited. I couldn’t see Crowder, but Güino’s fur stood on end as the soft voice increased in intensity. A bright light moved across the baseboard, a light muffled as if by gauze or cotton. Just as the light neared the tip of the cat’s tail, I heard a soft laugh ring out, more like a cackle.
Instantly, a narrow beam of light emanated from below Güino and his ears tripled in length. Güino didn’t jump. All he did was meow the most plaintive and surprised noise I’ve ever heard emanate from a cat. The hair on the back of my neck stiffened.
That’s when I snapped this picture, the best evidence I can provide that Dawn’s surprise Fairy Door is working. Crowder laughed maniacally again and the effused light vanished.
I know I photoshop often but even a critical review of this picture will substantiate that nothing behind the cat’s ears is distorted, which would be the ‘tell’ for editing or manipulation.
I await further shenanigans from Crowder. I think Dawn does too. She was happy I bought her a magical door but even more excited to know that we invited a mischievous friend to live in our house with us.
The cat is not amused, though.
I only wish there were 2,652 episodes of the show. There is so much misinformation in the world. I guess I should stop making it up?
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This one was during a conversation with an actual boss.
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Because no matter how great your idea, there is inevitably a manager who will strangle either you, or the implementation of the idea.
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If you are a Fox News fan, no offense is intended, although I did send this one to the RNC headquarters for pre-approval. They laughed, so you should too.
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Because honestly, those marketing geniuses are creating ideas faster than I can mock them. Just shuffle a few letters around and we have something to work with here. You’re welcome, Springdale.
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This above statement is so true that I almost went back in time when I created it.
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I made this for a friend because she loves “Sons of Anarchy.” Plus, rumor has it she can’t ride a bicycle without smacking her head into the low branches of a tree.
Somehow, I know this is going to boil someone’s potatoes, even though it is an honest observation that rings ‘truth’ like a massive bell for me. (PS: I don’t care about the Super Bowl, or about the endless loops of commentary, or whether Cam Newton or Peyton Manning are good or bad people. That I know who these goofs are is a bad sign in itself, at least to me.)
Dr. Oz. Does anyone else think he is the 2nd creepiest guy in the world? I keep looking online on Interpol to see if I can match his picture to known offenders around the world. I feel like that French detective in “Hannibal.”
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I’m going to start posing with my cans of tuna and bbq potato chips in the parking lot. Give these deer hunters a run for their money. PS: Don’t go in the store in full camo and face meshnet. They think you are there for something else entirely. Even if you are ‘hunting’ chips.
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Not all advice is good – and no truth applies to all people: Someone who didn’t know me said “Do what your mom would do.” After the high-speed chase and meeting all those police officers, they gave me a set of steel bracelets and insisted on putting me up for the night. They even asked for my autograph and asked me a bunch of questions, like they were interested in me. Thanks, mom.
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No more Natural Food Stores. Henceforth, only Super-Natural Food Stores for me.
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Really, you can start a martial arts studio anywhere. Just rent a room, then start punching and kicking people while talking in a smooth, even macho voice. Judo is just fancy slapping and some legwork. With a monthly fee. And goofy pants.
I imagine the World’s Worst Air Guitar Band would play actual instruments. And they’d probably sound like Jason Aldean, the vocal equivalent to some pissed off and startled crows.
Speaking of which, I can imagine blind people hearing Jason Aldean and wondering if they were being pranked.
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“Ted Cruz is that guy you would love to get to know and then read in the newspaper that he mysteriously disappeared. I would love to donate to his ‘Stay Lost’ fund.” -x
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For those who say that the people who make the phone book don’t have a sense of humor, I disagree: they listed both ‘Joses’ & ‘Buffalo Wild Wings ‘ in the Restaurant category.
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I really like that lady who is the lead singer of Aerosmith, especially since he starting doing country. (I love seeing artists doing different things. Life is too short to not go nuts.)
I don’t like most of Aerosmith’s music, but Tyler’s voice is both broken and powerful and well-suited to country, regardless of what the snooty experts might opine.
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Here’s a picture I made, with the inspiration of “Heaven: A Return to Family.”
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Imagine your life as a branched road map, each nexus signifying a choice veering your life into a new direction. If you could look back as your life ends and see the complex strands of life’s options, would you weep for joy or sigh in dismay at those wasted and unseen opportunities?
If, if, if – and not to change the route, merely to walk the infinite complexity of the unseen roads, to live a million lives as versions of ‘me’ hurling through time.
Imagine your life as a branched and mysterious road map, each nexus signifying a choice veering your life into a new direction. If you could look back as your life ends and see the complex strands of life’s options, would you weep for joy or sign in dismay at those wasted and unseen opportunities?
Yes, I would choose to see the paths that did not happen instead of a retelling of a story whose road I’ve already traveled.
Seeing my life flash would mask the reality that all those other freshly paved and unknown exotic roads were there for me.
I surprised Dawn yesterday with a magical fairy door from someone in Quebec who makes them. It came with a corked vial of fairy dust and a magic key allowing the pixies/fairies to come and go as the whim suits them. Even our cat Güino knew that magic had entered the house. Dawn would have never guessed in a million years that I had ordered her such a whimsical gift. I think we both grew 10 years younger in spirit laughing about it. (I can think of 100 ways one of these would make a child’s life a lot more imaginative and interesting, with the right crazy adult leading the charge.)
(PS: The portrait of my wife and I in the above picture is still probably my favorite. It confounds people to this day when they see it.)
The websites are on this instructional card, both the Etsy and regular website.
The vial of fairy dust is corked and has a fairy emblem on the side. I can imagine just how inspirational one of these would be in the hands of the right kid.
P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 