All posts by X Teri

A Stolen Joke, Personalized

My friend Casey in Batesville was out shopping for Christmas on Thursday. After a couple of hours of yuletide surprise shopping, she left the UPS store and turned off Harrison Street. Her SUV began making a horrid, loud noise.

Casey drove immediately to the Stanley Wood dealership on Batesville Boulevard.

She pulled in to the service bay. The technician standing by the service counter grimaced at the loud noise that Casey’s SUV was still making.

Casey hollered above the noise. “It’s making the worst noise I’ve ever heard in my life!”

Without a pause, the tech said, “Have you tried turning off that Luke Bryan CD?”

Top Gun, Otis Redding, And a Coincidence

e0ed89d460c4496ab614a91490d00d7b

In the movie Top Gun, when Maverick (Tom Cruise) goes to Charlie’s House, most people remember the iconic song “Take My Breath Away.” For me, though, the song that stole the moment was Otis Redding’s “Sittin’ On the Dock of The Bay.” Toto originally was supposed to do the “Danger Zone” song, as well as another that would have been the song used instead of “Take My Breath Away.” Judas Priest was going to do a song for the soundtrack too but thought the movie would flop, as did many critics. Tom Cruise declined to do the movie repeatedly.

Most people with harsh criticisms of the movie tended to knock “the talking scenes” such as the one following the love scene at Charlie’s beach house. We all endured the testosterone-laden antics of our male friends in the late 80s as a result of this movie. For most of us who survived the 80s, each of us has at least one guilty pleasure in a song from the movie. I don’t think any of us miss the aviator sunglasses that seemed to be everywhere. None of us fully escaped the energy of Kenny Loggins as he sang “Danger Zone,” the fourth or fifth choice to sing the song.

What most people don’t consider is the unintentional coincidence of Otis’ biggest hit being in the scenes at the beach house. Maverick was about to go on the biggest mission of his life in one of the most modern airplanes in history, where death followed at every high-G spin.

Otis Redding recorded “Sittin’ On the Dock of The Bay” two times in 1967, with the second time being shortly before he died in December. The song was never officially finished. Otis is heard whistling in the song because he forgot the riffs he intended to fill in and started whistling to preserve the session. After Otis died, the beach sounds were added to this famous song by Steve Cropper, who helped Otis co-write the song.

I forgot to mention: Otis died in a plane crash.

 

Just Enough Truth To This

sfdsdffds.PNG

 

It was a hot Saturday late afternoon. Though the clouds were piled high in the west, no one actually expected the sky to bless us with any rain. That part of the state hadn’t received any real rain in over ten days. Uncle Charles went through the screendoor and outside a few minutes ago. As he left, he shouted, “Get your behind moving,” already whistling. He taught me to whistle, too, and I knew I’d be mimicking him in a few minutes. He had also taught me how to whistle while inhaling, a valuable trait, albeit annoying to anyone who disliked whistling. “Assholes” was the endearing name Uncle Charles had for people who disagreed with him, especially if he was whistling or enjoying a bit of humor.

I was busily shoving as many homemade pickles in my mouth as I could, chewing like a man who just left a hunger strike. My Aunt Margie didn’t think much of her efforts at pickle-making. She couldn’t have been more wrong, though. On more than one occasion, I had devoured an entire jar without any assistance. Unlike most people, I accidentally discovered that I liked the pickles most people found to be less flavorful, especially if they were bitter.

I poured myself a huge glass of Coke from the 2-quart bottle as I struggled to get the pickles all consumed.

I went outside as quickly as possible to conserve as much of the cool air as possible. Grandma didn’t cotton to people dilly-dallying at the door in the summer. She was ecstatic for company to come to visit. She would, however, let anyone who took too long going in or out know that the air conditioning wasn’t free. In the South, it was common to hear shouts of “Get in or out!” or “Close the door!” fifty times a day. For those without air conditioning, the same shout was offered in response to the endless squadrons of mosquitoes circling every living creature.

Grandma didn’t have any foolishness such as chairs on her long front porch. Grandma didn’t understand why someone would sit outside in the heat if air conditioning was available. There was a porch swing on the opposite end of the porch, and it invitingly faced the field adjacent to her old house. You could sit on the edge of the porch, too, or on the creosote-soaked steps made from railroad ties. I sometimes forget how artfully so many men practiced the art of crouching and leaning.

Uncle Charles was leaning against the far end of the porch, near the porch swing. He was drinking a glass of water, a fact that seemed strange to me, given that Grandma kept a well-stocked supply of Coke in the house.

He and my Uncle Harry were arguing about the weather. It was a free hobby, so they tended to participate as if their livelihoods depended on it. Neither were farmers, so it seemed a bit odd to me that the matter managed to lasso so much of their attention.

Uncle Charles took my glass of Coke for a second as I clambered up onto the swing. He handed it back when I was situated. I nodded and said, “Thanks.” He winked at me and then clicked the side of his mouth to let me know it was okay. He lit a cigarette and handed it to me. Just as Uncle Harry was about to protest, Uncle Charles reached back over and took the cigarette from me. “You’re too old to smoke. And you don’t want to sound like your Aunt Helen.” He winked again.

As the yellow jackets flew by, we sweated. In the distance, loud cracks of thunder would occasionally echo, causing the wall of unseen insects to momentarily suspend their buzzing.

I finished my Coke after fifteen minutes. I remained on the swing, watching the wind blow against the bean plants. Both Uncle Charles and Harry sat on the edge of the porch with their backs turned to me. Uncle Charles had lit at least four more cigarettes. Their conversation had turned to baseball at some point, a subject I found to be as interesting as licking a hot stove.

Even though the wind had picked up speed, I hadn’t noticed that the sky had dimmed considerably. As Uncle Charles flicked his cigarette to knock loose the ashes on the tip, a massive lightning bolt struck the ground about fifty yards away, near the small board bridge along Clark Road. The clap of thunder that normally follows after a delay boomed immediately. We could all see where the lightning hit the field. All of us were seeing the afterglow of lightning in our eyes.

“Holy crap!” shouted Uncle Harry as he jumped down off the edge of the porch.

Behind us, someone threw open the front door and shouted, “Get your butts inside. Yes, Nannie, I’ll unplug the television!” The first part of Aunt Helen’s shout was for us. The second was for Grandma, who believed that unplugging everything prevented lightning from hitting. I always looked up at the tall television antennae wired to the side of the house when she mentioned it.

Uncle Harry quickly walked around the edge of the porch, up the railroad-tie steps, and inside the house. He worked outside a lot. Being around lightning didn’t inspire him to be closer to nature.

“Are you coming or what?” shouted Aunt Helen to Uncle Charles.

“Naw, we’ll come inside in a bit.” Uncle Charles jumped off the porch and onto the grass below. “Come on,” he said, turning to me. Even though I was short, fat, and barefoot, I ran and jumped off the porch and onto the ground. Such delights are long behind me. More than most things, the absence of such abandon ails my soul.

Uncle Charles removed his shoes and tossed them onto the planks of the porch. “It’s going to rain,” he said and laughed. He was wearing black socks. As a lover of all things barefoot, socks seemed ridiculous. Black socks made less sense to me than keeping a snake in the underwear drawer.

A few random pops sounded from the galvanized tin roof. They came more quickly. The air temperature dropped several degrees. Then came the deluge. The drops were so heavy that they pounded against us. Uncle Charles walked the few feet over to the edge of the bean field and stood in the perimeter of dirt there. The dirt quickly became soaked and muddy. I followed him. The mud between my toes was a sublime pleasure.

As Uncle Charles stood next to the bean field with me, we both quietly watched as the edge of the rainstorm enveloped us, the adjacent road, then race away. The rain pummeled the metal roof behind us and everything in its path.

Uncle Charles put his hand on my left shoulder and smiled.

I witnessed the possibility of a life filled with small joys in the wrinkles of his face.

We stood there, even as Aunt Helen shouted from the porch for us to get our fool heads inside before the Lord could come to take us.

The rain. Us.

I don’t know for certain that I’m not still standing there.

 

 

Insulin Available On Request

20191209_095116

.

.

I was shopping and entered an actual Photo Shop.
It changed me.

.

.

It is a sublime pleasure to order a cafe mocha – and after the options are presented, to inquire whether ketchup is available.

.

.

Just as I was about to check the “I am not a robot” box, it occurred to me that if I had been built carefully enough, I couldn’t possibly be sure.

.

.

Whatever “the worst thing in the world to see” might be, I bet #2 is “Worst papercut in human history.”

.

.

That guy was so efficient that even during Christmas he insists on taking a ride in a two-horse open sleigh.

.

.

To the guy with the world’s longest arms, all shirts are short-sleeved.

.

.

I went to the Photo Studio at the mall. I asked if they had a prison photo package.

“What do you need a prison photo package for?” the owner asked.

“I feel like I’m definitely going to murder someone and want to be prepared.”

As the security guards threw me out, it dawned on me that not everyone appreciates honesty.

.

.

20191215_112001
Part of the reason they don’t invite me with greater frequency?

.

.

Evidently, I like antiques. I base that solely on the company I keep.

.

.

The sign above the door indicates JCPenney but I’m pretty sure I’m in hell.

.

.

While waiting for a root canal in the waiting room at the dentist, I fell asleep. I woke up, screaming, after dreaming I was actually at the DMV.

.

.

He suddenly realized he might be crazy after all. Someone had done bunny ears in all of his selfies.

.

.

 

While “more cowbell” is a cultural phrase, shoppers at Walmart do not enjoy me ringing one directly behind them. #truestory – Me holding a megaphone in the other hand as they turn to see me is probably worse.

.

.

I must be in the Xmas spirit.

A particular person has been evil all week. After giving the benefit of the doubt several times, someone became really angry at him/her. I intervened and said, “Let me handle it.”

A while later, he/she spouted off again, so I stopped and stared.

“What the eff are you looking at,” the loudmouth asked.

Not missing a beat, I said, “I really admire assholes!”

I high-fived the previous victim so hard I might have left actual skin.

It’s tough out here in the world, where assholes run free and often unencumbered.

.

.

Today I Learned: “Turning the other cheek” and “mooning” someone who has aggrieved you are NOT the same thing. Sorry, shoppers.

.

.

77264402_10159031479389115_6148621854639652864_o

.

.

76727075_10159031815894115_1952015344147103744_o

.

.

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus under the mistletoe. Better than last year, when Donald Trump was under there.
-From the yuletide songbook, “Non-Consensual Xmas”

.

.

“Saying you went to Buffalo Wild Wings because you’re hungry is like jumping off a 100-story building because you need to air-dry your hair.” – X

.

.

“Take a hike,” she said, although not out of any concern for my health.

.

.

20191206_102327

A co-worker questioned the amount of gray in my hair. Thanks to White-Out, there is now no doubt.  ( “White-Out – Not Just For Paper” )

.

.

friendship.PNG

*Breaking news: a man was seen in an East Springdale cemetery, armed with a gun. Hundreds reported dead.


(No one was injured, though. My apologies if this joke offends someone – or everyone. I edited it to avoid the overactive social media police.)

.

.

 

My Apologies For The Troll(s)

zxczxczczxc arrow down

 

Friends:

Please accept my apology, one offered to all those who may have seen some particularly hateful commentary.

Someone I know is struggling with alcoholism and mental issues. The prognosis is such that it’s not going to improve. The truth is that I’m going to simply have to tolerate it until he’s no longer able to behave inappropriately. On the one hand, what he’s doing is completely objectionable; on the other, he’s often not in charge of his own faculties, so it’s difficult to hold him accountable like I would a normal person. While what he’s doing is a crime, I ask that you ignore anything bizarre that might appear in the comments for a short time. I’ll clear, delete, and block all the offending content as soon as it’s brought to my attention. I can block by email, name, and IP; as you know, however, these are not sufficient to thwart someone who actively seeks to inflict distress or inconvenience on another person.

If you see or hear anything crazy, threatening, or angry, please let me know. (Not from me – from him. You can ignore my stupidity and treat it as normal day-to-day craziness.)

I’m not posting this to draw sympathy, prayers, or well-wishes.

It’s literally to let you know that you might see some startling things across my blog and social media. I’ll correct them as soon as they appear. I’ve spent 50+ years adjusting to the insanity of anger and addiction; a little bit more probably won’t ruin the remnants of my own sanity. I have to admit the latest round of hatred and bile thrown at me was a bit over-the-top.

Thanks, X
.