All posts by X Teri

Oops! Oral Pyromania

A couple of days ago, I made a batch of healthy soup and portioned it into four separate containers. Last night, I wanted a bowl of it for supper. Not because of the cold weather, although that provided additional justification.

Here’s where my life suddenly went wrong. Like sticking your tongue in a blender wrong.

A coworker bought Erika a mix of hot sauces for her birthday last month. I’m known to love sauces. I’ve been using them all in a constant pattern like I always do. They’ve all been interesting and distinct. Erika has them in a basket by the fridge. I just grab one, often without reading the label. I like surprises.

Last night, all these tendencies came to a head. Most surprises are great. Some, however, are like opening the toilet lid only to set off a glitter bomb filled with both glitter and sneezing powder.

If you’re familiar with Carolina Reapers, you know that they are massively hot. Among the hottest possible peppers. They are about ten times hotter than habañeros and are the source of many of those crazy videos on the internet wherein idiots consume a chip seasoned with them and then vomit through their eyeballs and sweat like a manager having their expense reports scrutinized.

I heated my soup a little in the microwave and then grabbed a random bottle from the basket, pouring about 1/3 of the bottle into the soup bowl. I sat down to eat.

This is where the fireworks started. With the first bite, I thought I had eaten a spoonful of liquid fire. My tongue went numb, which turns out was worse than immediately feeling pain. Painful heat would have clearly told me I had made the wrong move. I continued to eat spoonful after spoonful of the soup, unknowingly laden with the equivalent of Hawaiian lava. I felt my eyes dilate, and that’s when the numbness abated, and the heat began to sear me like a human barbeque.

Despite this, I decided to eat all the contents of the soup and leave aside the liquid. My reptilian brain thought this might help. The heat continued to grow. As I finished the solid part of the soup, I felt like a cartoon character whose hair suddenly lit up with fire. I went to the kitchen and dumped the liquid.

Luckily, there was old ice cream remaining in the freezer. I grabbed the remnant of it, took the ice cream bucket to the living room, and began to use it in an attempt to appease the fire gods celebrating in my mouth.

I sat and imagined that if the amount of Carolina Reaper I’d consumed hit me wrong, I might find myself duct-taped to the toilet this morning or suffer the additional indignity of having it forcefully come back up and out my nose. The incredible heat of the Carolina Reaper sauce was already making me feel like I was breathing inside a chamber filled with Vick’s VaporRub.

As much as I protested to Erika, I don’t think she realized how epically I had misjudged the heat of that hot sauce bottle. I did my best to control my breathing. Before going to bed, I quickly drank two full glasses of water from the sink. When I lay down, I was certain I would awaken in a few hours and hear the thunderous rumbling of my stomach as it attempted to process what can only be described as fiery insanity. And then I would need to impersonate Usain Bolt in a vain attempt to reach the bathroom before the carnage ensued.

When I woke up this morning, my stomach wasn’t protesting more than normal, but I did feel like I was floating from the dose of preventive water the night before. After sitting and drinking a cup of coffee at 1:30 a.m. I felt the rumble.

So far, I’ve not found myself writhing on the floor or being able to shoot fire out of my nostrils like a bad comic book hero. But I do feel like I’m breathing with a mouthful of Vick’s VaporRub.

But I am nervous.

I made the mistake of Googling the consequences of consuming any such quantity of Carolina Reaper.

I didn’t know it at the time last night, but I basically consumed more of this pepper in one sitting than most hot pepper-eating champions can. It’s because I was unaware of what I was about to consume; had I known, it would have never occurred to me to try it.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

This could be one of those days where you see me sprinting across the parking lot with my pants down, hoping to sit in the cold water of the creek. Witnesses will probably see one of the rarest of sights: fire underwater.

Love, X
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P.S. The first thing I did was drink five glasses of water, one after the other before having a cup of coffee this morning. I’m an optimist, but after Googling this damned pepper, I think I might need an IV later.

A Parable III

A parable III

As I drove on the interstate heading toward Lowell, I saw a motorcycle coming up fast behind me. It was changing lanes as the man expertly swerved and maneuvered through traffic. As the bike passed me on the left, I looked over briefly to see a younger man without a helmet looking back toward me as he passed. His upper body was covered in tattoos. He nodded once at me as he roared past. Something about him seemed familiar. He sped on, and I forgot about him after a couple of minutes.

Pulling into the industrial warehouse parking lot, I drove around the side of the long building and parked. When I exited the building, I saw that the man who passed me on the motorcycle was in the parking lot. He leaned against his bike as if he were waiting. He was close to the entrance I needed. 

As I drew closer, he nodded and said, “Hello, X.” 

I stopped and looked at him, trying to place him in my memory. When my eyes met his, I realized it was the man who once answered to the name Joshua. Gone were the wrinkles and gray hair. 

“I see that you’re starting to see things as they are, X.” Joshua smiled intently.

“It’s quite a shock to recognize you, even though you’ve changed your camouflage, Joshua.” 

“X, I never camouflage. I am each of the people you see and am always myself. Simplicity is always complex, and vice versa, if you’re paying attention. And I think that you are.” Joshua laughed, this time a young man’s laugh, full of baritone and vitality. 

“I wish I could do that, Joshua. Change things up at will.” I smiled at my cleverness.

“But you can. When you realize it, you’ll wonder why you put on the same clothes and followed the same unsurprising path each morning.” 

“Joshua, I can’t change everything about myself on a whim like you.” I thought I had him cornered with my reply. I should have known better.

“I haven’t changed. It is your perception of me, X. When I passed you on the interstate, you only saw a speeding tattooed young man on his way to trouble. Am I wrong?”

I hesitated. “Well, yes. But that’s because that’s what I saw, Joshua.”

Joshua smiled. “What have I told you about how much of an illusion your eyes provide you? I ride the interstate like I am to remind people of the part of their nature that they think they miss. Adventure, being carefree, happy, without a care – and even danger. The illusion is that they already have all those things each day, if they choose them. It is a choice. And the universe is not a safe place to believe otherwise.”

I nodded because it always sounded true when he spoke, even if I didn’t understand the nuance. We usually do recognize truth, even if it is only in tiny morsels. And sometimes, not even when life gives it to us via a board across the back of our heads. 

“I look like this because people only see the truth from a place or person they are familiar with. Some see it in older people, some in teachers, and others in the clergy. Others find it in nature. Everyone would be happier if they realized that they could learn from anyone. That includes laborers, ex-convicts, and even the angry man shouting three doors down. Life is the teacher, and each person plays a role, positive or negative. But they must be willing to experience life from that perspective. You wouldn’t invest your life’s earnings with me, would you? But you’d assume I could change the tire on a car.”

“Damn, you got me again, Joshua.”

“Just don’t let your eyes or experience make assumptions for you, X. Everything has something to teach you.” He smiled again.

“Okay.”

“You promise?” He asked. “Ex nihilo nihil fit,” he added. “I don’t mean it in the philosophical sense. You can’t squeeze juice from a rock or get meaning from life unless you learn and pay close attention. Always.” 

With those inscrutable words, Joshua turned and sat on his motorcycle.

“I’ll see you another day, Joshua. Be safe.”

“There is no safety. Just precaution. You’ll learn about that, too. But another day, X.”

Just as my mouth opened to reply, Joshua’s bike roared to life, and he sped away, around the building and probably back toward the interstate. 

When I finished my errand, I drove back to the interstate, watching the hundreds of vehicles merge, pass, and continue on. Each contained someone who could teach me something if I listened.

Love, X

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A Parable II

A Parable II

I was bone-weary after work, waiting for my second or third wind to invigorate me. Because I’ve learned that it works the other way around and that movement precedes energy, I drove several miles to be close to the river. I walked barefoot along the rocks and underbrush, not knowing if I was trespassing or who owned the land. After twenty minutes, the sun came through the clouds and warmed me considerably. I rolled up my pants and waded into the river until the water reached above my knees. I wanted to swim across to the other bank. 

From behind me, a familiar voice startled me. I couldn’t quite place the voice. When I turned to see who was on the bank, I saw an older man holding a walking stick. His dark eyes watched me intently. 

“Are you lost in thought out there?” 

“Yes, I am. I was certain I was alone out here,” I replied. “You look and sound familiar.”

The old man smiled. “You met me a couple of weeks ago by the creek, sitting on the bench.” His smile became slightly quizzical.

I nodded. “You look…different, though. And your voice is deeper.”

“Sometimes I change what is concealing me.” I knew he wasn’t talking about just his clothing. It surprised me that I wasn’t concerned or alarmed. Some people seem to be exactly who they are no matter how you see them.

“I’m X, by the way. What’s your name?” 

He nodded. “I know who you are, of course. Most people used to call me Joshua, X. It’s as good a name as any.” He looked up. “I can call it the sky or the above; it’s still the same thing.” 

I laughed. Having changed my name, which I felt he somehow knew, I understood better than most. 

“Nice to meet you, Joshua.”

Joshua nodded.

“X, what was on your mind when you got out there in the water?” 

I shook my head. “I guess it’s the mess we make of our lives when our words and actions don’t align. People are a constant source of letdown, Joshua.”

Joshua grinned, this time with a wide smile, exposing brilliantly white teeth. “A better way to demonstrate what motivates you is how you act. Words are easy. People should be able to watch you and see. Even if they don’t know what motivates you, they can see the behaviors that faithful and loving people are supposed to emulate. And I don’t mean that phony way that so many assume when they’ve seen a part of the light. Love only exists when it’s expressed through behavior.”

“I’m not sure I agree. If someone is holding me and telling me that they love me, isn’t that part of it?” 

“You’ve missed the subtle point. They are showing you through behavior. They are with you, giving their time, presence, and focus. People make time for the things they value, just as they shun what they don’t. If you learn to watch them, you’ll know. That closeness is the gift.” 

“Damn, you’re right!”

“Yes, I know.” He waited a second before laughing. “When you first went into the river, I saw you looking across it. If you want to get across the river without having to swim, just walk directly toward the dead tree over there.” He pointed at a broken tree near the water’s edge on the opposite shore. 

“How will I get back across?” I sounded stupid when I said it.

“No, it’s not stupid. I will leave my walking stick here in the mud like I always have. You just need to look for it when you’re ready to come back.”

“Deal,” I said and turned to walk across the river’s unseen depths. I don’t know why I didn’t doubt him. “I’ll see you later, Joshua.”

“Surely you will, X,” the old man said as I started wading across the river. When I reached the opposite bank, I turned and saw the walking stick jutting from the mud of the riverside, just as he promised. 

I spent an hour walking the woods on the otherwise unreachable side of the river before returning to find my way toward the walking stick. As I passed it, I left it in the mud for the next person to find. Although I doubted many people found their way to this spot given the difficulty of doing so, I have learned that someone always follows in the steps you’ve walked. 

Love, X

A Parable

A Parable

I sat down on the wooden bench so that I could watch the birds and listen to the stream. It wasn’t my intention to engage the older man sitting on the other end, his walking stick in his hand.

After a minute, he asked me what was on my mind. No introduction and no small talk to precede it. I’m accustomed to being the one to engage in such a manner. 

Without preamble, I told him the truth in the simplest way I thought possible.

“I can tell you the answer, but you won’t believe it,” he said, nodding and shaking his head.

“I’m game. Let’s hear it.”

“You need a mirror.”

I knew he wasn’t referring to my appearance. 

“Yes. You’re metaphorically saying I am the source of my problems. Because I damn well know what they are and choose to tread water.”

“You are not a tree. You were created mobile. But you were also given reason and memory. It seems to me that you believe that your past controls you. Action is what is required. That coupled with remembering that thoughts have no power unless you give them such.”

I smiled. “Easier said than done!”

He smiled back at me. “No, it is easier done than said. Thinking is the problem. You know who you are and what you need to do. Now get up and do it. It’s going to be hard either way. Wouldn’t you rather reach my age and feel like your life reflected your choices rather than trying to find a way to make the unworkable work for you?”

I set silently for a moment. The old man continued to look up at the trees and watch for birds. 

As I stood up, I nodded toward the man.

“I’m walking now. Thank you.”

“Don’t stop,” he said and smiled.

The birds above us took flight from the cover of the leaves and darted away. 

Love, X

Unseen

I took a great picture of… Nothing. I was wandering around, thankfully with shoes firmly on, oblivious. Something behind me crashed through the brush. It wasn’t instinct. I decided not to turn around because whatever it was would have already been on me by the time I turned. The unseen thing went up over the rise before I let myself pivot. It’s more fun imagining what it might have been. Perhaps a creature from Where The Wild Things Are. Even dangerous magic is sometimes worth it.
X
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Anew

What is the word for looking at the same thing you’ve looked at for 19 years and seeing it differently? Even at 3:00 a.m. Colors on display, amplified by a cold December morning. The early morning quiet before everything and everyone arrives. Whatever the word is, I’m feeling it in my bones this morning.

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Wakksol

Because I was in bed by 8, wakefulness pounced on me by 1 a.m. I found a cold, still morning waiting when I went outside. Frost-covered surfaces sparkled, and even the furnace’s steam floated sideways instead of drifting upward. While standing out on the landing with a cup of coffee steaming a little later, a young man drove up and came up the steps to let my neighbor’s dog out. (At least I now know who let the dogs out.) As he descended the steps, the unseen ice and frost on the last few steps from the deteriorating and dripping gutters caught him by surprise. He fell, his body accordioning down the last few steps, even as he held onto the dog’s leash. I stepped inside quickly without thinking. I hoped to spare him any potential embarrassment of being seen. Not that either ice or gravity was his fault. And certainly not the lack of accumulated maintenance for my apartment building. I returned outside a few minutes later as he ascended the steps. He quickly confessed that he’d fallen down the stairs, not that his awkward gait or hands clutching at his lower back didn’t signal what might have happened. I quickly learned to respect the invisible ice here the first winter. And if I momentarily forget? My cameras will record me doing impromptu gymnastics as my hands wildly flail ineffectively as gravity drags me to the concrete below.

Later, I watched the small fox that traverses the main parking lot entrance make his way south across the pavement. As it did, a neighborhood cat who prowls our building late at night spotted him and froze in place, its eyes carefully appraising it. There is always an ever-changing litany of visiting cats in our neighborhoods.

At 4:36, I heard a man’s voice screaming as I sat at my computer making Xmas surprises and pictures. The cold, still air outside must have amplified it artificially. I stepped outside and listened as he continued to scream in angry bursts. The words were incomprehensible, as was the man’s motive for such anger on an early Sunday morning. It continued for about two minutes and finally fell silent. No sirens ensued, so I assumed that whoever was on the receiving end of the tirade was safe and that any listening neighbors groggily turned over in their beds and decided it didn’t warrant a call.

Though immersed in a world of creativity, the outburst flared an intense bout of loneliness in me. It triggered memories of so many nights and holidays ruined by the calamitous rise of both ire and shouting.

That kind of anger signals both helplessness and hopelessness. The people engaging in it have lost control or sight of the fact that the very act of being able to shout belies an opportunity to be thankful. True despair elicits silence.

I let AI render a picture I made, hoping it would capture the silence of the morning, pierced by strangers’ lives briefly intersecting with mine.

Last year, I devised a new word, “angstmorgen.”

I’d like to add another, “wakksol.” Both for the root meanings of the anticipation of the sunrise and the fifth note on certain scales.

Let the day bring different music.

Love, X

Ancestry Humor

The picture is intended to be funny. Someone reached out to me and asked me to find their dad. And I did. I told them that their family crest was a cactus tree. The dad turned out to be exactly who was expected. But I softened the blow with a bit of humor. Not every quest and search ends happily. But answers bring their own peace.
Love, X
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Accidental

Between errands, I went down in the holler of the creek. Attempting to take a picture of a bird, I instead took one at 3 times magnification without realizing my camera lens were all smudged. Definitely a happy accident. If you are wondering whether the creek water was cold, It shocked my feet and legs. It’s been much too long since I’ve listened to the roar of the creek with my feet in the water. It’s hard to believe it’s 62° in the middle of December. 

X

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Ways To Happiness, Monday X Edition

  1. Drink water for your body. You can also use it for an exorcism.
  2. Drink coffee for your sanity and vodka for the safety of your coworkers.
  3. Mind your own business.
  4. Remove sharp objects from pockets in case of arrest.
  5. Give hugs even when you’d rather give karate chops.
  6. Smile. Show your fangs.
  7. Don’t open restraining orders until 6 p.m.
  8. Laugh often. Especially when reading emails or talking to your boss.
  9. If people complain to you, send them an invoice.
  10. Leave a toothbrush hanging from your mouth if you want to be left alone.
  11. Monday is a gift that you can’t return.
  12. Mondays are 1/7th of your life. That’s 26% if you didn’t spend enough time learning.
  13. Always carry a fork. If someone bugs you at work, pull it out and give thanks for the meal you are about to receive.
  14. If you get upset, whisper. It’s much scarier than shouting. Doubly so if you turn off the lights before you do so.
  15. Keep a good work friend close by. It reduces your chances of a bear attack by 50%.
  16. Don’t battle craziness with brilliance. Nonsense is more effective and always debatable.
  17. If you have gas, don’t hold it in. Instead, shout, “Now With Gas Power!”
  18. If you want a snack, spend a dollar. If you want all the snacks, buy a brick.
  19. There will always be more work. There won’t always be more time.
  20. No matter what your job is, don’t forget that all of us are looking for a way to be happy without drowning. Don’t throw both ends of the rope if we’re in the water.
  21. Use the stairs for exercise and the elevator for gossip.
    X