Category Archives: Behavior

A Parable IV

I found myself at the grocery store at 6 a.m. I wanted to go earlier, but COVID ruined such earlier adventures. I had no shopping list and was letting my whims propel my feet around the store. As usual, I spent excessive time in the sauce aisle; I can eat cardboard, provided I have sufficient things to dip it in.

Eventually, I searched for kale, lettuce, or mustard greens in the produce aisle. While sorting the lettuce, I heard a man behind me clearing his throat. Assuming I was in someone’s way, I turned and stepped aside.

An older man stood about five feet away. In his hand, he held a single green apple.

“Good morning, X,” he said and twirled the apple in his fingers.

Three weeks had passed since I last saw the man who once answered to the name Joshua. He looked different, something I realized would probably be the case each time I encountered him.

I knew not to engage in small talk. Whatever his reason for finding me, passing the time idly wasn’t on his agenda.

“You can’t be sure how the apple tastes, can you, X? It could be bitter or brown on the inside. No one enjoys that.”

I nodded. “Yes, we do focus on the appearance and just trust that it’s delicious.”

“Nature and evolution have designed things so that beauty attracts. It’s the way of things. Everything here is probably safe unless you’re allergic.” He smiled slightly and waited for me to formulate a reply.

“The same is true for people, Joshua. I wish it weren’t so.”

“X, beauty attracts. Even in the wild, that’s how it works, for either mating or consumption. A bird sees a brilliant red berry and swoops to eat it, not knowing it might be poisonous. Or if it does eat it, the same bird passes the seeds far away, ensuring the plant survives. It’s fascinating. Beauty has its purpose but beguiles when it conceals something else.”

I moved slightly closer to the produce bins and out of the aisle. “Sometimes I wish I were blind around people. It would make life easier.”

Joshua shook his head. “If you’re hinting at love and attraction, you’re right. Beauty attracts – but it doesn’t keep us close. A famous song once said that a pretty face doesn’t make a pretty heart.”

“No truer words have been spoken, Joshua.”

“It’s why you are designed with primal instincts. But it’s also why you have reason to overcome emotion. If you practice, you learn to see what’s on the inside of someone before taking a proverbial bite.” Joshua softly laughed. “We know how that usually works out.”

I laughed in response. “Our senses are designed to bring pleasure and seek out flavor, aroma, and beauty. We can eat our favorite meal, but if we smell barbeque, our desire for it almost cancels out what we’re having.”

“Ideally, you find someone who attracts you and has the capacity for love, humor, and understanding. But if they are like a bad apple, you won’t know until you bite. The error falls on you when you recognize the taste is off, but continue to let beauty dissuade you from getting another apple. You keep eating the same apple or keep picking up the same kind.” Joshua grinned slightly.

“If that’s the case, how do you know you’ve got a good apple, Joshua?”

Joshua smiled. “By observing their behavior, as I’ve told you before. It’s always in the behavior. Good people behave lovingly, have compassion, and don’t engage in complexity when dealing with others. They are who they say they are, and they do what they say they will. Beauty will fade. Character and who they are will not diminish with time.”

“What kind of apple do you recommend today?” I wasn’t sure if I was speaking metaphorically. I’d let Joshua decide.

“There are so many varieties of apples, X. Some of the best ones look less appealing but conceal a lot of flavor. You’ll know when you bite and find one suited to you.” Joshua smiled.

I smiled as I moved toward the display of apple varieties. As Joshua watched, I chose two random apples from six bins and put them in my basket.

Joshua laughed. “You’re learning, X.”

“I’m not so sure, Joshua.”

“That’s good. Certainty is the hallmark of closed minds. People with doubts keep learning and seeking.” With these words, Joshua turned and walked away and out of sight around the next aisle.

Love, X

A Parable III

A parable III

As I drove on the interstate heading toward Lowell, I saw a motorcycle coming up fast behind me. It was changing lanes as the man expertly swerved and maneuvered through traffic. As the bike passed me on the left, I looked over briefly to see a younger man without a helmet looking back toward me as he passed. His upper body was covered in tattoos. He nodded once at me as he roared past. Something about him seemed familiar. He sped on, and I forgot about him after a couple of minutes.

Pulling into the industrial warehouse parking lot, I drove around the side of the long building and parked. When I exited the building, I saw that the man who passed me on the motorcycle was in the parking lot. He leaned against his bike as if he were waiting. He was close to the entrance I needed. 

As I drew closer, he nodded and said, “Hello, X.” 

I stopped and looked at him, trying to place him in my memory. When my eyes met his, I realized it was the man who once answered to the name Joshua. Gone were the wrinkles and gray hair. 

“I see that you’re starting to see things as they are, X.” Joshua smiled intently.

“It’s quite a shock to recognize you, even though you’ve changed your camouflage, Joshua.” 

“X, I never camouflage. I am each of the people you see and am always myself. Simplicity is always complex, and vice versa, if you’re paying attention. And I think that you are.” Joshua laughed, this time a young man’s laugh, full of baritone and vitality. 

“I wish I could do that, Joshua. Change things up at will.” I smiled at my cleverness.

“But you can. When you realize it, you’ll wonder why you put on the same clothes and followed the same unsurprising path each morning.” 

“Joshua, I can’t change everything about myself on a whim like you.” I thought I had him cornered with my reply. I should have known better.

“I haven’t changed. It is your perception of me, X. When I passed you on the interstate, you only saw a speeding tattooed young man on his way to trouble. Am I wrong?”

I hesitated. “Well, yes. But that’s because that’s what I saw, Joshua.”

Joshua smiled. “What have I told you about how much of an illusion your eyes provide you? I ride the interstate like I am to remind people of the part of their nature that they think they miss. Adventure, being carefree, happy, without a care – and even danger. The illusion is that they already have all those things each day, if they choose them. It is a choice. And the universe is not a safe place to believe otherwise.”

I nodded because it always sounded true when he spoke, even if I didn’t understand the nuance. We usually do recognize truth, even if it is only in tiny morsels. And sometimes, not even when life gives it to us via a board across the back of our heads. 

“I look like this because people only see the truth from a place or person they are familiar with. Some see it in older people, some in teachers, and others in the clergy. Others find it in nature. Everyone would be happier if they realized that they could learn from anyone. That includes laborers, ex-convicts, and even the angry man shouting three doors down. Life is the teacher, and each person plays a role, positive or negative. But they must be willing to experience life from that perspective. You wouldn’t invest your life’s earnings with me, would you? But you’d assume I could change the tire on a car.”

“Damn, you got me again, Joshua.”

“Just don’t let your eyes or experience make assumptions for you, X. Everything has something to teach you.” He smiled again.

“Okay.”

“You promise?” He asked. “Ex nihilo nihil fit,” he added. “I don’t mean it in the philosophical sense. You can’t squeeze juice from a rock or get meaning from life unless you learn and pay close attention. Always.” 

With those inscrutable words, Joshua turned and sat on his motorcycle.

“I’ll see you another day, Joshua. Be safe.”

“There is no safety. Just precaution. You’ll learn about that, too. But another day, X.”

Just as my mouth opened to reply, Joshua’s bike roared to life, and he sped away, around the building and probably back toward the interstate. 

When I finished my errand, I drove back to the interstate, watching the hundreds of vehicles merge, pass, and continue on. Each contained someone who could teach me something if I listened.

Love, X

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A Parable II

A Parable II

I was bone-weary after work, waiting for my second or third wind to invigorate me. Because I’ve learned that it works the other way around and that movement precedes energy, I drove several miles to be close to the river. I walked barefoot along the rocks and underbrush, not knowing if I was trespassing or who owned the land. After twenty minutes, the sun came through the clouds and warmed me considerably. I rolled up my pants and waded into the river until the water reached above my knees. I wanted to swim across to the other bank. 

From behind me, a familiar voice startled me. I couldn’t quite place the voice. When I turned to see who was on the bank, I saw an older man holding a walking stick. His dark eyes watched me intently. 

“Are you lost in thought out there?” 

“Yes, I am. I was certain I was alone out here,” I replied. “You look and sound familiar.”

The old man smiled. “You met me a couple of weeks ago by the creek, sitting on the bench.” His smile became slightly quizzical.

I nodded. “You look…different, though. And your voice is deeper.”

“Sometimes I change what is concealing me.” I knew he wasn’t talking about just his clothing. It surprised me that I wasn’t concerned or alarmed. Some people seem to be exactly who they are no matter how you see them.

“I’m X, by the way. What’s your name?” 

He nodded. “I know who you are, of course. Most people used to call me Joshua, X. It’s as good a name as any.” He looked up. “I can call it the sky or the above; it’s still the same thing.” 

I laughed. Having changed my name, which I felt he somehow knew, I understood better than most. 

“Nice to meet you, Joshua.”

Joshua nodded.

“X, what was on your mind when you got out there in the water?” 

I shook my head. “I guess it’s the mess we make of our lives when our words and actions don’t align. People are a constant source of letdown, Joshua.”

Joshua grinned, this time with a wide smile, exposing brilliantly white teeth. “A better way to demonstrate what motivates you is how you act. Words are easy. People should be able to watch you and see. Even if they don’t know what motivates you, they can see the behaviors that faithful and loving people are supposed to emulate. And I don’t mean that phony way that so many assume when they’ve seen a part of the light. Love only exists when it’s expressed through behavior.”

“I’m not sure I agree. If someone is holding me and telling me that they love me, isn’t that part of it?” 

“You’ve missed the subtle point. They are showing you through behavior. They are with you, giving their time, presence, and focus. People make time for the things they value, just as they shun what they don’t. If you learn to watch them, you’ll know. That closeness is the gift.” 

“Damn, you’re right!”

“Yes, I know.” He waited a second before laughing. “When you first went into the river, I saw you looking across it. If you want to get across the river without having to swim, just walk directly toward the dead tree over there.” He pointed at a broken tree near the water’s edge on the opposite shore. 

“How will I get back across?” I sounded stupid when I said it.

“No, it’s not stupid. I will leave my walking stick here in the mud like I always have. You just need to look for it when you’re ready to come back.”

“Deal,” I said and turned to walk across the river’s unseen depths. I don’t know why I didn’t doubt him. “I’ll see you later, Joshua.”

“Surely you will, X,” the old man said as I started wading across the river. When I reached the opposite bank, I turned and saw the walking stick jutting from the mud of the riverside, just as he promised. 

I spent an hour walking the woods on the otherwise unreachable side of the river before returning to find my way toward the walking stick. As I passed it, I left it in the mud for the next person to find. Although I doubted many people found their way to this spot given the difficulty of doing so, I have learned that someone always follows in the steps you’ve walked. 

Love, X

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A Parable

A Parable

I sat down on the wooden bench so that I could watch the birds and listen to the stream. It wasn’t my intention to engage the older man sitting on the other end, his walking stick in his hand.

After a minute, he asked me what was on my mind. No introduction and no small talk to precede it. I’m accustomed to being the one to engage in such a manner. 

Without preamble, I told him the truth in the simplest way I thought possible.

“I can tell you the answer, but you won’t believe it,” he said, nodding and shaking his head.

“I’m game. Let’s hear it.”

“You need a mirror.”

I knew he wasn’t referring to my appearance. 

“Yes. You’re metaphorically saying I am the source of my problems. Because I damn well know what they are and choose to tread water.”

“You are not a tree. You were created mobile. But you were also given reason and memory. It seems to me that you believe that your past controls you. Action is what is required. That coupled with remembering that thoughts have no power unless you give them such.”

I smiled. “Easier said than done!”

He smiled back at me. “No, it is easier done than said. Thinking is the problem. You know who you are and what you need to do. Now get up and do it. It’s going to be hard either way. Wouldn’t you rather reach my age and feel like your life reflected your choices rather than trying to find a way to make the unworkable work for you?”

I set silently for a moment. The old man continued to look up at the trees and watch for birds. 

As I stood up, I nodded toward the man.

“I’m walking now. Thank you.”

“Don’t stop,” he said and smiled.

The birds above us took flight from the cover of the leaves and darted away. 

Love, X

Christmas Is Us

I write something like this each year. We all have our own idea of the Christmas season – and some have none. For those with faith, it is the hallmark of charity, love, and kindness, enveloped by the majesty of the celebration of their faith. For others, it is a secular celebration of family, friends, surprises, and time spent together. It is also a time of unreachable loss and loneliness precisely because our memories of love and family can’t help but be tinged by the nostalgia of times no longer within our reach. For others? It is a struggle of choices to afford to surprise their children, family, and friends with gifts worthy of their attention. 

Regardless of its significance, we all own a piece of the Christmas season. Even the Christians wisely appropriated the winter solstice celebration to change the celebration of the birth of their savior. It does not lessen its profound meaning for them. 

“The Gift of the Magi” is my quintessential Xmas story. Both husband and wife sacrificed what was most valuable to them to give the best gift possible. 

We all have within our reach the ability to give everyone the gift of joy and acceptance. No matter how they choose to celebrate. 

Each year, most of us universally agree that the ideal of Christmas lies not in things but in moments and thoughts of others, in profound observation of faith, and in our ability to celebrate collectively.

Regardless of why or how we are here, we are all here with our respective lives, beliefs, and attitudes. 

Let not the harshness of personal conviction blind any of us to the joy of having a season in which we need no further excuse or justification to surprise one another, to be appreciative, and to find a way to look past the differences we each exercise during our celebrations. 

Love, X

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Justice?

It seems as if legal systems forget the consequences to victims. In this particular case, the person in question was rightfully convicted in more than one criminal case. Each case involved a woman confronted with the potential for further harm. His release pending appeal puts each previous victim in the position of fearing for their safety. 

This isn’t a case of someone accused yet not convicted. The record is established and his actions are well documented. Each of his convictions result from behavior that should not be condoned in a civilized society. Releasing him pending appeal on a particular case after he’s already pled guilty to other charges regarding other women is a misstep of our collective sense of justice.

Eric P. Osborne, approximately 46, of Stratford, Ontario in Canada was convicted of sexual assault in August of 2023. As a result, he was given the maximum sentence possible for the summary conviction, less time served, along with many other conditions including registering on the sex offenders list and providing DNA samples. 

Mr. Osborne also has a history of other convictions for crimes committed against other women. He pleaded guilty to those charges.

As of Monday, Nov. 27, 2023, he is at large in the community again pending an appeal. 

He may not seem dangerous at first but the public is encouraged to question the legitimacy of his statements and be wary.

X

Rough Hands (Guest Post)

Rough hands
Scrubbed clean
Spots of blood
Bare to be seen

Nervous smile.
Rosy cheeks.
Hand in mine
On leather seats.

Red hot heart
Pumping high
I thought I
Might call him mine

Blue blue eyes
Smiling sad
This is so good
I’ve got it bad.

I see flags-
Crimson red-
But his touch
Goes to my head.

I pray – I do
This is true.
Sparks and light
Please come through.

I don’t know
What to do
If he’s done-
Already through.

I’ve got too
many souls
Been close to
Too many holes.

And I’m still
Alone in the dark.
I’m still
Alone in the dark.

Those rough hands
Lit a spark.
So roll credits,
This fades to dark.

Worry

I was challenged to write words that might frame the idea of worry differently: 

Worry is the embodiment of arrogance.

To worry is to borrow time from tomorrow and waste it in the now.

Though I do not believe that God intervenes, instead of worrying, ask yourself if you’ve used your intelligence, time, resources, and money to minimize whatever it is you are stressing about.

If it cannot be changed? Acceptance. It must be acceptance grounded in action and surrender simultaneously.

If it can be changed, do not squander with the universe has given you. If you believe that you were molded in the creator’s image, it is your duty not to waste that which you have been given. Work the problem as best as you can.

Worry is arrogance because it implies that any amount of present preoccupation with stress will yield a different result. 

Even if you do everything right, life will still hand you problems that aren’t your fault. You can consume your energy wanting it to be otherwise or questioning the fairness of it. Yet, the same result awaits you. The same sun that provides illumination also darkens. 

If you use such words, worry is the sin of gluttony. You’ve focused on the idea of you to the point it consumes you.

Do what you can with what you have. 

To worry is to believe that our feeble fingers can overcome obstacles by doing nothing. 

Worry is the roommate who eats all your potato chips and never pays rent. 

If you are lucky enough to be one of the few who can dispel worry, your life will be different than the rest of us. We are human batteries, and most of us are drained by our own thoughts; immobilized and wasteful of the time and energy we’ve been given.

Love, X

A Wish

I unwrapped a day today, like I have thousands of times. Each morning, the gift of the hours is at my feet. One of my wishes? To remember what it’s like to go under and wonder if I’d see the light on the other side. To stop focusing on nonsense and drama that carries no weight. To appreciate the people, food, places, and things in my life. Why is it so easy to bring shadows to sunrise? To question the point, motive, and meaning of just being alive? As if it’s not enough. Anyone squinting their eyes will see only shadow and narrowness. Wide-eyed appreciation for the rhythm of breath and oxygen is the most basic miracle possible. If you start with that, the ephemeral idiocy of wanting anything else dissipates like the first wisp of steam from your morning coffee. I want this ability now more than ever.

Love, X

The Last Tree

The Last Tree

The picture is of my Dad, Bobby Dean, standing on a horse. Of course. I poorly colorized it a few years ago.

One day, I’ll abandon safety and climb my last tree- but I won’t know it’s the last time I’ll do it. I’ll laugh as I look down at the people passing below me. I’ll feel the wind blow over me among the branches. A squirrel might chatter at me for being too close to its nest.

Well-meaning people sometimes chastise me for my avocation of ascending trees. They are right. There is a risk. But I don’t know of any other adults who take the time to climb trees. It’s unlike skydiving, where the risk is primarily virtual and unlikely. Those who cluck at me for enjoying it don’t understand the sublime moments of being in the trees.

I might fall and break an arm. I might fall and crack my neck.

One day, though, I will look back on my last time in the trees and want to trade an arm for the chance to be there again.

And that’s true for so many things in life. Whether it’s being barefoot in the cold creeks, walking through the grass where unseen reptiles slither, or ordering a bitterly acrid cup of coffee, one so rich that my teeth will blacken momentarily. I’ll have my last kiss. Enjoy my last walk.

So, if you see me in the trees, take a moment to quell the urge to remind me that gravity could pull me out of it. Traffic might be my demise. My arteries might invisibly pass a clot and knock me silent to the ground. An unlikely second plane might find me unexpectedly as it spirals. A shadow in the dark early morning might demand my wallet.

The last tree I’ll climb started growing decades ago. It all started with the pine tree and gnarled other trees along the drainage ditch in front and behind my grandparents’ modest house in Monroe County. Grandpa didn’t care if I climbed trees – or even found my way to the tin roof. To him, boys climbed things, and sometimes, a working man lost fingers in the long cutting belts of the dangerous lumberyards.

The last tree is waiting for me.

Love, X
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