Can I please pretend that was enough?
That was hard but this is tough.
Empty messages were hollow but dinged.
I had some of what I wanted, none of what I need.
Can I rewind? Be fine to be weak again?
Cuz being strong is lonely, and I’d rather pretend.
This isn’t a vaguepost. It’s an observation about how I interact with the world, which evidently runs afoul of many people’s attitudes. We need a ‘pass’ sometimes, wherein we can just stand and shout, “WTF, dude? Explain this to me.” Sometimes, the person in question might apologize and say, “I needed to get my entire foot in my mouth. I am so sorry. That was stupid and petty of me.” People are going to misbehave, have a bad day, or just suffer the same affliction of quickness and not thinking twice that I do. If we did have a ‘pass’ option, at least we’d know if they react angrily that we aren’t dealing with someone interested in communicating authentically. Ain’t nobody got time for that, much less the sanity of long-term exposure.
We can’t know someone’s intentions most of the time. That’s why it’s more important to observe behavior rather than words. But there are times when “nothing” actually happens, but someone has consciously or unintentionally demonstrated a horrific outlook. In those cases, words have significant power. Last week, I heard a story about an example of this. Anger flared inside me righteously and briefly. The person being treated poorly and demeaned will never know about it. But I do. And I’m stuck with the knowledge, knowing that the person and people involved revealed a sliver of the “real’ them in their behavior. It wasn’t mere pettiness. It was hostility on a basic level. They pulled back the veneer and let their mask slip. Witnessing or knowing such an attitude is inside a person fundamentally shifts my ability to trust such people. This is so much of the reason that I have lingering problems with people I know to be racists. If they gossip to you, they’ll gossip about you. If they treat others with subversive hostility, they’ll do the same to you. It’s just a question of when. Most prejudice stems from the false idea of superiority. Superior arrogance lends itself to a lot of rationalization regarding behavior. In most cases, we never hear about it because they recognize that such behavior or words are reprehensible. They conceal and camouflage the “real’ them. I’d rather deal with outright hostility in most cases. You can avoid a snake in the open field or when it announces its presence; the ones hiding in the grass at your feet mostly can’t be avoided.
Love, X
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PS That’s my cat judging me for not kicking the heat up to maximum. He ain’t 7 feet off the ground for the view.
I parked my car and walked barefoot down the trail. I knew I needed an unfamiliar spot today. So I walked much longer than I intended, passing people who took second glances at my bare feet and rolled up pants. It seemed as if they looked more frequently than they had yesterday when I had a billowing (but wet) blue cape on my back. I encountered a dirt path mostly hidden in the trees. Not knowing where it led and not caring either way, I followed it. It led down to the creek and I followed the stones and sat on one of the protruding ledges, sticking my feet deep into the rocks and mud under the water.
The cascade and babble of the water combined with the cloud cover and bird song had to have been aligned and created just for me at this moment.
Three years later and I still wrestle with whether the bell which sounded in my head on an October morning was correlation or causation regarding my brother’s death. My ex-wife would roll her eyes and attribute it to sheer craziness. No matter what the cause or how much my brother’s death affected me subconsciously, something in me broke. The breaking left me with a profound certainty of several things. And most of it was the realization that excuses and rationalizations are easy. The bell in my head brought both joy and pain. My new confidence brought consequences I hadn’t expected. Part of which had to be arrogance. It taught me the definition of limerence and of the meaninglessness of intentions compared to consequences. But it also taught me that most of my limitations are self-imposed. All I need is an idea, even more than motivation. Motivation and willpower are for procrastinators. If you get in motion or set things in motion, it is amazing what simple routine consistency will give you.
Since I was not familiar with this part of the creek, I walked carefully, even through the deeper pockets of clearwater. Countless lightning fast crawdads faced me as I approached, only to flutter backwards so quickly that it was impossible to see them move. There’s always a chance for snakes, but none made their appearance.
The weather is going to shift soon. The days will be colder and likely result in the pads of my feet softening again. I’ll continue to come out here for a while no matter how cold the air or water is. It’s impossible to argue with nature.
The brother of my youth would have loved to be here. It’s true that he probably would have picked me up over his head and thrown me into one of the deep pockets of water. Or we might have even had a rock fight, him promising to not pelt me in the head. Given his size advantage, had he been careless in his aim, there’s not much I could have done about it. We used to spend a lot of time out in the fields having dirt clod fights. It sounds archaic and crazy to anyone who didn’t experience the agony and ecstasy from both ends of a nicely sized dirt-clod bashing someone unexpectedly in the neck or chest. We didn’t invent the rules. They’ve been handed down for generations among kids growing up and playing with the things at their disposal.
Having said the above, if my brother were here today, there is no question that he would look me dead in the eye and ask, “When are you going to stop being so damn fruity?” I would reply, “Probably about the same time you smarten up and stop being an old conservative hag!” No matter how such a conversation played out, I would lose. Because if my brother couldn’t win through words, he would achieve victory by throwing either me or a table. That’s what happens when the universe mistakenly combines debate-level intelligence with a hulk of a person.
Somehow in the crucible of our shared DNA, I luckily inherited the introspective yet expressive gene. He inherited the introspective part, but all too often trapped himself in his own head. That’s the worst place for anyone of such intelligence to be.
Mike was right. Maybe I am a bit too fruity. But whether through alchemy or luck, I’m the one standing in the creek getting the last word.
Since I’m long-winded exactly like my brother, I’ll loop back to my initial causation versus correlation comment. It’s obvious to me now that the bell that rang in my head three years ago would have remained silent were it not for my brother having consequences catch up to him. Which ironically likely would have led to me having a major health setback myself.
The good and the bad may not be best friends, but they definitely sleep in the same bed.
Love, X
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I walked into the E-Z Mart store with very few collected small winning lottery tickets from swinging for the fences with the impossible Megamillions and Powerball.
Instead of taking the cash, I told the clerk, “No, I’d like them back in $1 fast-play lottery tickets. I’m feeling very lucky today. I know I’m going to win.”
She laughed and smiled.
“No, I’m serious. It’s time. Remember? A plane will fall on you on a long enough timeline, and you might win the lottery.”
“Well, remember who sold them to you when you win.”
She printed off the tickets. I was shorted 3. While I was standing to the left of the register, I looked at the very first printed ticket.
Though you think I’m joking, the first line of the first ticket was a winner. Had I bought a higher denomination ticket, the amount would have been five times what I won. To think I’d have to work almost ninety hours to net that much money is preposterous.
The clerk is a believer now.
I’ve never had to file a claim form with the lottery. What I won won’t be enough to make much of a dent in my debt. But there’s no better feeling than to waste a tiny bit of money to get such a return. I haven’t gone to a casino or wasted my money gambling on anything substantive since very early 2021. Living single without a roommate and having emergency surgery tends to take the money out of your pocket.
Do you want to hear something even crazier?
I’m going to win something even bigger. I hope the work crew I throw in each week will win, just like everyone else buying tickets foolishly. I can’t imagine a better, more satisfying irony than to work like a mule for 18 years being eclipsed by something as impractical and impossible as a lottery. I’d love to look around at people and just experience the moment of incredulity. If such an impossible outcome ever happens, I’m going to need to block the work doors to prevent them from stampeding out of there.
Today, I won “a” lottery. A small one. It didn’t hurt my afternoon feelings at all.
I included a screenshot of an email I sent myself on Sept. 18th.
Love, X
“The world won’t treat you better just because you’re a good person.”
It’s a nice reminder. The corollary to this is also true:
“Just because you’re a bad person doesn’t mean you will ever suffer the consequences for it.”
Even if you do everything right, you might still fail.
And if you do a buffet of stupid things, the odds grow increasingly against you.
Then there’s fate, luck, or whatever you might label it. Despite it all, I’m lucky.
On the anniversary day of my emergency surgery, I changed my desktop monitor wallpaper to the first picture I snapped once I realized I was not in purgatory. (Admittedly, my presence in the hospital bed might qualify. Both for me and the people supposed to be caring for me.) I’m not sure how many times over the intervening days I’ve stopped and looked at the picture.
Oddly, it mostly stopped me from saying, “Time is short,” with such frequency. It definitely has not abated the mental recitation. It had to have been in my subconscious the other day when I sprinted past a safety point for my body. It didn’t occur to me that perhaps my explanation for why I had several 200+ floor days on my Fitbit should be attributed to it.
I spent too much time thinking about September 28th, 1991 as well. And about the two terrible head traumas I had as a child. I’m not including the punches from hands that should not have inflicted such anger. Those hands grew silent, as happens to all of us.
What’s my point? I don’t have one. There may well not be one, and I’m okay with that.
Love, X
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I modified this affirmational meme with just one slash across the letter “L.”
I love attempting to mess with informational memes. After I made this one on a lark, I couldn’t escape the idea that there was another hidden meaning to my humor.
This is exactly how negativity or a negative person can affect the big picture. One small act or word transforms your state of mind, your day, and your ability to focus on what matters.
Negative people are consumed by an external validation that things aren’t okay. Of course they aren’t – in multiple ways. The world is a terror for many people.
But for the rest of us, the obstacles and messes don’t make us lose focus or become embittered.
Studies have repeatedly shown that if you want to improve your life, you should reduce negative thoughts and people more frequently than you tell yourself positive ones. Negativity is stronger than positivity. You can surround yourself with sixteen positive, engaging people; one spoiled one will literally corrupt your bushel.
Love, X
Time Blindness Paradox
I’ll do it when I’m not so busy.
I’ll do it when I’m not tired.
I’ll do it when I have more time.
I’ll do it when I have more money.
I’ll do it when I’m in better shape.
I’ll do it when work slows down.
No.
You won’t.
Anything important or meaningful that you’re putting off right now?
It’s likely to be undone.
You think because you’ve had time until now, that there is still sand waiting to fall.
My enduring September lesson: you can’t sustainably live like there’s no tomorrow. But you also can’t really live until you remember that there might not be one.
Love, X
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Prepare Yourself!
What follows is a list of things that people believe despite the evidence.
Starting with the big one: intense investigation confirms that full moons do not correlate to increased madness, births, traffic accidents, or anything else. It is the perfect example of illusory correlation. Centuries of the myth being repeated have cemented this fallacy as truth. People will almost fight you over this one.
Not directly related, but think of how we look at the tides. The earth turns into a bulge, and water reacts accordingly. Yet most people have a hugely oversimplified idea of what tides are, correlated to the Moon. Even saying ‘the sun rose’ is a means to confuse language. It’s pervasive, and we don’t give it a second thought.
The “fact” that menstrual cycles synchronize cannot be substantiated. It’s so pervasive that it’s meaningless to argue with someone who believes it. Science says “no.”
Cracking your knuckles causes arthritis. Completely untrue.
Einstein failed math. He didn’t.
Acne is almost entirely genetic, not a result of environmental factors.
Vikings did not wear horned helmets.
The world is not 6,000 years old.
Edison didn’t invent the light bulb. He made one of the first practical ones.
For the most part, sugar does not make kids hyperactive.
The Pythagorean Theorem was used centuries before Pythagoras. He popularized it with the Greeks.
Napoleon was not short. Due to conversion errors, the myth persists. He was of average height for his time and place.
Stretching before general exercise is not always beneficial. Often, it’s harmful. Repeated studies have proven this. But you can’t convince people because that’s how they were taught.
Iron maidens were never used as medieval torture devices. You can look it up.
Shaving does not make hair grow back thicker. It’s perception. The tips of the regrowing hair are darker.
Bagpipes did not originate in Scotland.
Were there three wise men mentioned in the Bible? Eastern tradition sets the number at 12. Western tradition indicates three. The Bible never states how many.
How many of each animal did Noah take on the proverbial ark? It is not two, a fact that is clearly spelled out in Genesis.
Vaccines don’t cause autism. The flu shot does not give you the flu.
Nowhere in the Bible does it say that Adam and Eve ate an apple. It was some kind of fruit or plant.
Generally speaking, it’s not always harmful to touch baby birds. Or to move them back to their nest.
Yellowstone isn’t overdue for a massive supervolcano eruption.
Waking a sleepwalker results in much less harm to them than letting them continue walking. Some of the belief stems from centuries ago when it was believed that one’s soul departed while sleeping.
Bats are not blind.
As a whole, we’re less violent, more educated, and healthier than we’ve been throughout human history.
The Pilgrims didn’t land at Plymouth. Instead, they landed at Provincetown. Plymouth came weeks later.
Delilah didn’t cut Samson’s hair, no matter which version of the Bible you’re reading.
Bulls are colorblind to red.
Salted water does not make boiling water on the stove more efficient.
There is no legitimate reason to drink eight glasses of water.
Generally speaking, caffeine does not stunt one’s growth.
Your mouth isn’t divided into different regions for each type of taste.
That story about Ben Franklin wanting a turkey on the national seal? It’s not true. He wanted Moses. You can look it up.
The word “Xmas” has been around for 1,000 years and is based on language. Not the perversion of Christmas as so many people still insist on.
Ninjas didn’t wear black. It’s a myth. They wore comfortable clothes and wanted to blend in. Another one you’ll argue about but still a myth perpetuated needlessly.
Peanut butter was eaten by the Aztecs centuries before it was “invented” here.
Microwaving can reduce nutritional value – but much less than most other conventional ways to cook. It’s a myth that never dies.
The term 420 was invented by a group of high school kids in 1971 in California. It was literally the time they went to smoke.
How many witches were burned at the stake during the Salem Witch Trials? Zero.
American Gothic, the famous painting, isn’t supposed to be an artwork of a couple. Rather, it is that of a father and daughter.
The Jonestown Massacre didn’t use Kook-Aid. They used a competitor’s product, Flavor-Aid, instead. So much for “drinking the Kool-Aid.”
Walgreen owes much of its success to Prohibition. Alcohol was commonly prescribed. By the way, Prohibition did not outlaw the consumption of alcohol. Look it up.
Astrology is no better than random guessing. It’s all nonsense.
Tang wasn’t invented for astronauts.
Lemmings don’t run off cliffs. The misconception is older than a Disney documentary that popularized the falsehood.
Alpha wolves in packs? Not true. They function more like families.
Sharks do get cancer. This myth was furthered by a book intended to sell supplements.
Birds are therapod dinosaurs. We use the word “dinosaur” to mean “non-avian” dinosaurs. Humans and non-avian dinosaurs never coexisted. Petroleum and fossil fuels are made almost entirely of plant matter.
Most diamonds are not formed from highly compressed coal. Most diamonds that have been dated formed before coal, and usually formed 80+ miles before the surface.
This is one that drives me nuts: an increase in gross income will NEVER result in lower income due to a high tax bracket. So few people understand what a marginal tax rate is – or that they are only taxed higher for anything above the tax bracket threshold, rather than the total amount. It’s so pervasive that it’s useless to argue with people who say things like, “I don’t want overtime. The government will take more of it and I’ll end up with a smaller paycheck.” It does NOT work that way. Good luck trying to convince people.
Urine is not sterile. Again, this myth is so pervasive that it’s pointless to argue with someone who states it as fact.
Using Q-Tips in your ears has no associated medical benefits. Seriously.
Vitamin C has ZERO effect when taken after a cold has started.
A dog’s mouth has about as much bacteria as a human’s mouth.
Spicy food doesn’t have much of an effect on getting peptic ulcers. It was a major discovery to learn that ulcers are caused by bacteria rather than stress.
There isn’t much variation between people’s resting metabolic rate. Despite what you constantly hear.
Happy learning!
X
It’s no comfort to know this, but if people work to keep you silent, they inadvertently tell you that you have power. Silencing you is an attempt to avoid the consequences of mistreating you or confronting that you’re right about something. (It’s the same in relationships as it is at work.) People without valid points or influence are ignored. People who tell the truth or cause discomfort upset the status quo. Again, it is no consolation. But remember that silencing treatment is a de facto acknowledgment that you’re on the right track. Everything sounds crazy until it becomes the truth. We do not celebrate the people who make us uncomfortable. About our behavior as individuals and certainly not as a group.
While my thoughts aren’t about book banning, the same concept applies. People with the urge to limit content, ideas, and information are admitting that they are afraid of what’s inside. You don’t ban things or ideas that don’t threaten your opinion. It’s usually a nod to the fact that they fully know that much of their opinions and worldview aren’t sustainable under the lens of logic.
No one likes to be wrong.
No one likes having to confront their mistakes.
No one likes being judged for the associations we have: friends, religions, politics, sports, work.
Looking at where we are as people and our lack of focus as a society, the last thing we need is for the outliers to stop pushing our buttons. A therapist once told me that the more we stop hearing criticism, the more in danger we are of being cemented in the past and of playing it safe.
Silencing behavior is the cousin to secrecy. Almost all misbehavior and turmoil derive from secrecy and the lack of transparency. Whether it’s us as a whole or each of us as individuals.
PS I wish it were okay to say, “I think you’re wrong,” without starting a fight. Because we damn well think our friends, family, and coworkers are wrong a LOT. Why isn’t it okay to just admit it? And why can’t we accept this sort of observation for what it is: someone’s opinion. We take everything personally as if we’re surprised that people haven’t had the same lives as us, the same education, the same religion, or the same interpersonal relationships.
X
On an early Wednesday afternoon not long ago, a couple of miscreants disguised as wannabe drug dealers arrived at the apartment complex. They were vainly searching for one of the hooligans who previously lived below me. They banged on doors and even turned a couple of doorknobs. Their intentions were murderous. I miss the neighbors who once lived below me. Definitely Crystal Methodists and possessing an abnormal interest in homemade chemistry. Not to mention the drug dealer who lived next to me. It’s easier to write crime stories when you can make popcorn and watch it unfold in real-time. Whatever happened to the good old days when drug dealers demanded some sort of decorum? 🙂 One of the duo shouted and threatened me from the parking lot after banging a second time on my door. He promised he would return to give me an ass-kicking. I’m feeling lonely without him darkening my doorway as promised. I had a very creative surprise waiting for him. It might have even made the nightly news. The mugshot would have been glorious! Since the landlords asked me to do so, I uploaded security video of the gentlemen to the police. It was VERY tempting to add clown shoes and hats to the footage. Yes, I am sure that they are actually dangerous. (Not to books, critical thinking, polysyllabic words, or civilized behavior.) I try to remember that even people so devoid of decency have mothers. Mustachioed moms, I’m certain, the kind whose upper lips look like boiled caterpillars. If I sound carefree in my attitude, it’s due to my broken sense of danger. You can thank my Dad for a big part of that. But the reality is that danger blossoms anywhere – and at any time. The allegedly normal-looking folks tend to be as volatile as those whose appearance can best be described as “the before picture.” The ass-kicker didn’t return to my apartment complex. I’m working through the angst of missing his delightful presence. One of the surprises I had waiting was to add the music to “I Believe I Can Fly” to the footage that would have resulted. There are advantages to living on the second floor. His flight off my landing would be short, and without an in-flight meal.
PS I threw the paint can away, the best part of my pre-arranged surprise had either of the hooligans returned.
X
P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 