People forget my background and the way I was raised. Yes, it was damaging. But it also left me with a visceral radar. There are times when I doubt it. I don’t know why because time after time, I discovered later that it was dead on, even when there wasn’t anything overt to signal my reaction. It’s important to know that I’ve been wrong, too – at least as far as I know. For people who don’t have it, I can’t quite explain the discomfort and unease some people transmit. It made me feel like the damage from my childhood broke something in me. Though I don’t like it now that I’m older, I think it is a strength. It’s sometimes caused me problems because I struggle to explain to people that other people around them might be concealing some serious defects. They look at me like I’m crazy. I’d like people to stop and seriously consider what I’m telling them, even if there is no evidence to support my radar.

Today, I discovered that I was more than right about someone. It gave me a little bit of PTSD for the day not long after my surgery when I thought I might have to do some serious damage. It led me to take one-on-one self-defense tutorials. Even with a long, painful scar in the middle of my stomach. The truth is that no one can stop bad people. The police, if they help at all, only ‘help’ after the crazy person has caused harm.

Today’s discovery was a revelation and affirmation. It proved that I wasn’t crazy, at least not that way.

Most people walking around are good, decent people. I still believe that.

But I also know that people have many secrets. Some dark, some personal. And among them are a few interspersed evil human beings among us.

I’m not going to share the details of one of the people I was right about. It’s disgusting any way you look at it. I knew the person was bad. I didn’t know how right I was. I was lucky – and so were a lot of other people. There were days when I expected the worse. There were days when I almost hoped I’d have to react. At least then, the person wouldn’t be around to do further harm. Or I’d be beneath a pile of brush somewhere in the fields. That I recognize a residual part of my dad in me, what I call “The Bobby Dean,” makes me laugh and a little nervous.

I realize that a small part of my continuing to do push-ups and stay in shape is that people will see an older man with a smile. They’ll assume I don’t have a radar that warns me about them. I’m still wondering why I continue to have self-doubt when it goes off. My life teaches me over and over that I shouldn’t. I never fear people when they approach me, when they need help, or even when they are acting strangely. I’m very open to people. It’s the ones you don’t see coming that cause so much havoc.

Before finishing, I’d also like to say I’m disheartened that our system doesn’t do more to help people when they’ve identified the bad people. Someone in my satellite circle is currently experiencing a little bit of a nightmare trying to navigate the impersonal and bureaucratic system that is supposed to protect them. I’d like to be hopeful and enthusiastic, but I also know that there are times when things go wrong. Afterward, the people who could have done something inevitably ask, “What could we have done?”

The answer is, “Well, something!”

PS I don’t like the tone of these words, but since I’m an imperfectionist, I’m leaving them as is. Everyone brings their own filters and preconceptions to our behavior and words anyway. There’s no use trying to control or curate it.

Love, X
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Behavior, Family, Lemon Moment, Opinion, Personal, Privacy, Psychology, Relationships

A Lemon Moment And A Revelation

12/07/2022 X Teri Leave a comment

I stopped at the inconvenience store on the way home. The Nepali clerk was stocking the lottery scratch-off rolls. She had one loose one left that she didn’t want to place loosely in the holder. “Do you want it?” she asked. “No,” I initially replied. But then I realized I should tempt fate. “How much is it?” I asked. “$10 dollars.” Hmmm. “Well, okay, let’s tempt fate. Maybe this will be one of those stories of coincidence.” The guy behind me said, “That would be amazing!” I took it over by the self-scanner and scratched the reader strip without bothering with the top half. I won my $10 back. Though it sounds stupid, for just a moment, I had this feeling that perhaps the universe was about to open one of its rare surprise boxes for me. The clerk and the other man felt it too. We all laughed in recognition of thinking that maybe we almost witnessed a surprise.

As I headed to my car, two addicts approached, a man and a woman. I recognized the man from a previous encounter. He’s difficult to understand. They were walking a large, sweet-natured dog, which I kneeled and petted. I figured out the man wanted a cigarette, so I went inside and got them cigarettes. The woman was beyond appreciative. They moved to the side of the building to smoke. She held her back in a certain way, which I recognized as serious back pain. She’d seen better days. Her clothes were dirty, and her hair was probably a mess three days ago. But she smiled back at me, even as she seemed to understand what her male companion was saying. Though I grew up with the worst mumbler on the planet, my dad, I scarcely understood every fifth word her companion uttered. The woman looked at me again and made eye contact.

I smiled back, hoping an infusion of a bit of my energy might reach her.

You never know.

About any moment.

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Earlier in the week, I received an unprovoked attack email that denigrated me with seething anger. Happy people don’t write words like those. I felt sorrow and sympathy for the author. I’m certain that the author doesn’t understand that the mere act of sending such an email telegraphs to anyone with an appreciation for human behavior and psychology that they are unhappy. Part of their motivation was to be a revisionist of the past; that’s normal, and everyone does it. People need to buttress their self-image. Revisionists are easy to spot because of their reluctance to admit wrongdoing or cast themselves in a questionable light. That’s not to say that some of what they wrote isn’t accurate! It is incomplete, however.

The other part was an attempt to silence me when I write about parts of my life that overlap. I go out of my way most of the time to avoid spilling people’s secrets or the things that they prefer to be kept hidden. Most people aren’t like me. They won’t share their warts, believing that people don’t otherwise know. This is one of the reasons I can’t be blackmailed. I’ll spill my secrets regardless of whether I need to. I’ll release nude pictures of myself after eating six Happy Meals. I don’t care. It’s hard to shame someone who willingly shares their life. I think back to dealing with some of my family, who spent years failing to dissuade me from finding out some of my family history.

As for convincing people that they have the wrong idea about me, that’s foolish. If people have only a partial story, it’s hard to blame them for listening to the person with the ax to grind. “Only the spoon knows what is stirring in the pot” is always an apt phrase to remember. As for the rest, slander is when you willfully and knowingly speak mistruths, and libel is when you write them. And if it is true? It’s neither.

It’s odd to see self-righteousness from someone who doesn’t share their full story. I don’t feel self-righteous precisely because I’m the first to say I’ve been a hypocrite. But I’m not ashamed to share the stupid things I’ve done. But I do know that I know a lot that would embarrass the hell out of people. It’s not my job to share it, nor do I want to. I write about this when I reference seeing behind so many people’s curtains.

I willingly open my curtains, even if makes you wonder if I’ve lost my damn mind.

I won’t open your curtains unless it overlaps with my story.

Go be happy.

It’s easy NOT to hear me or read my words. Change the channel, don’t look at my social media or blog, and just live a happy life.

Love, X

Behavior, Mental Health, Minimalism, New Word, Psychology, TikTok

The Subtraction Rule

11/30/2022 X Teri Leave a comment

@xteriq
#minimalism #mentalhealth #happiness #behavior #TikTok
♬ Intro – The xx

This one is mostly about minimalism, both for your mental health and for your life…

Behavior, Dating, Opinion, Psychology, Relationships, Sex, Social Rules

The Vacuum Salesperson Admonition

11/24/2022 X Teri Leave a comment

No one can be with your partner unless they express interest. Your partner shared their number, their social media, or their presence. They agreed to it and then willingly followed the path. It might be a mistake – but it is not an accident.

It’s easy and common for the offended partner to lash out at the third person involved. The bitter truth is that the problem lies in the partner, not the third person. They created a triangle out of two connected dots in a relationship. The third person chooses to inappropriately communicate or be with your partner for their own reasons: loneliness, sexuality, and sometimes, just because they want to and can. The world is full of third people who want to interfere in your relationship.

Infidelity and adultery is a huge problem, one of most people’s biggest fears.

We fear it for complicated reasons.

We’ve all experienced the thrill of sexual fire, chemistry, or attraction.

It’s like heroin. Our bodies are maniacally designed to make us feel it. That’s hard to argue with!

You can look at all the major studies of sexuality and relationship dynamics. It won’t help your fears.

Remember, people are unfaithful for all sorts of reasons, some of which have nothing to do with their partners. It’s likely that the other partner feels love and loyalty. They don’t see it coming because there is a lack of honest communication in the relationship. Or, if there is, familiarity, apathy, or routine lessens its ability to get through to the partner who is unhappy. Sometimes, it’s because someone has put up a wall of defense and deaf ears; they know there’s a problem but can’t see a way to get past it.

But, the commonality is poor judgment.

It’s not an accident. It’s a decision, one which can be sidestepped at any moment.

It almost always starts small.

Afterward, it results from a series of poor decisions and escalating behavior. The person engaging in it can easily listen to the stirrings as they blossom. If they can. Or want to.

Rarely does infidelity or adultery just happen in the moment. There are exceptions! But even those exceptions usually involve a partner putting themselves into an inappropriate situation, intimately communicating with someone who catches their eye (or is desired by the other person), being under the influence, being around people without their partner nearby, etc.

Those are poor decisions, too, rather than accidents.

Be on the watch for third people, both from your own point of view and your partner.

The truth is that it’s easier to notice than we’d like to admit. We want to love and respect our partners. Even so, we know that somewhere out there, there is someone looking at them or us with hungry eyes.

Don’t let a triangle begin to form. Rupture its lines before they become solid.

People tend to be attracted to what interests them. The people they are around, the people they see. Including online. 90% of all affairs are between coworkers or people they interact with on social media. Physical presence is not a requirement for the spark to turn to fire. The internet has escalated the exposure.

Stop blaming the third person. A house filled with love doesn’t welcome intruders inside. Someone must get up and open the door for it to happen. Whoever opens the door is the one responsible, not the person knocking. They are trying to sell vacuum cleaners, so to speak. Everyone inside knows that’s what they are up to. If you already have a vacuum cleaner that works and makes you satisfied, why in the world would you want to invite someone inside with those intentions? Vacuum salespeople, like people who want what you have, know that getting the door to open is going to be successful most of the time. It’s pure psychology. If you are not interested in buying, why would you open the door to them?

Keep it simple.

Keep it honest.

Be the loving partner that YOU want in your life in every aspect that you can manage. That alone will set the foundation for a life of intimacy, all you’d probably ever want or need.

Love, X
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