Category Archives: Humor

Humor, Personal

Straight

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This story proves I don’t always get the last word, but I do often get the last laugh. 

After work I went to the nearest inconvenience store to buy a lottery ticket.

(If you ask why I bother buying lottery tickets, it’s because they won’t give them to me at no charge. Duh.) 

Anyway, I’m careful when I pull in to that particular store. Fellow visitors to this particular store sometimes display a disregard forcommon traffic laws. Such as driving blindfolded, for example. 

I had to hit the brakes and come to a complete stop in order to avoid a car that tried to exceed the speed limit going in reverse as they backed out of the space adjacent to the building.

Someone behind me braked hard enough to cause a squeal. The driver hit the horn to announce the size of their genitals.

I pulled into the spot the reversing speed demon just left. The car that had almost hit me from behind raced up to park on my right. 

I exited my little blue car and walked around the front. The man driving the car said something I didn’t understand. 

“What?” Sometimes I’m really eloquent. 

Asking him to repeat himself must have been a burden because he shook his head. 

I expected something derogatory. And he probably meant it that way. He glanced along my car. “You’re so gay you can’t even drive STRAIGHT.”

While I’ve seen the phrase on social media, it fit the situation perfectly. Naturally I burst out laughing, which confused the guy. 

His insult tickled me. 

PS If I ever see him behind me again, of course I’ll do the logical thing and crash through the side of the building to avoid inconveniencing him.

Christmas, Holiday, Humor, Whimsical

Santa Is My Next Door Neighbor

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Mystery Solved!

My next door neighbor “Phillip” forgot about my cameras.

I turned on “Magic Mode,” a new feature for Wyze cameras. I didn’t read the tutorial about the new capabilities of my cameras. Evidently, the camera is magic due to its ability to see things as they are, instead of concealing what’s right in front of us.

Although “Phillip” rides a motorcycle most of the time, I realized that each year as fall deepens, the smell of cinnamon and pine seem to fill the air when he walks by. I hear strange bells at night. My cat Güino does too. His little ears are constantly pointing up and in the direction of the apartment next door.

You’ll note in the pictures that my Wyze cameras are now revealing an obvious fact: my next door neighbor is Santa.

He pulls a trailer behind his truck when he’s not riding his motorcycle. He’s not fooling anyone. That’s just a sleigh cleverly disguised.

To add insult to injury, take a look at what his huge red gift bag says: “Not Santa.” I bet if I ask him about that, he’ll say he’s being ironic and funny.

I fully expect that by the time December greets us, “Phillip’s” costume will morph into the red and white clothing of Santa that we all recognize and love.

I know “Phillip” won’t put me on the naughty list. Not because I don’t deserve it, but because my name is already there, so there’s no point duplicating the effort.

I’ll keep y’all updated.

PS The magic mode is truly magical for my cameras. (Also, you’ll note that FB has tried to tag these photos as AI. Santa has a powerful reach, doesn’t he?)

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Humor, Politics, Safety

Signs

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Random fact…
This isn’t a hieroglyph. If you have a careful eye, you might see them in odd places. This one is supposed to mean “Do not climb.” Typically it’s placed on poles needing replacement.

Over time, I’ve concluded that many of these are nailed into poles that are, in fact, way easier to climb than normal poles.

I’ve ordered 535 of them. One for each member of Congress.

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Humor, Lemon Moment

Surprise! Prank Time

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Somewhere right now, there’s a man shaking his head, wondering what the heck just happened. It’s that thought that makes this prank such a good one.

A couple of days ago I posted about remembering my mission to prank. Earlier today I wrote about a hybrid incident of anger and laughter.

Coincidentally, this one happened less than thirty feet away from the last one. Or is it fewer? Who cares.

I had a book under the front seat of my car since two days ago. I didn’t know when the opportunity would present itself for me to pull a fun prank on someone. By the way, the book was a good one, given to me by a friend.

There were two people standing at the Razorback bus stop on Appleby. I retrieved the book from under the seat, got out of the car, and looped around across the street. Luckily, both the man and the woman were still waiting when I appeared on the opposite side of the street. I pretended to be lost in thought, when in fact I was using my peripheral vision to determine when there might be no traffic coming at either direction.

With my book in hand, I waved enthusiastically across to the two people.

“Hey John,” I shouted. The man looked up at me as I darted across the street with the book held up. It’s important that you know that I don’t know this man and unless I accidentally guessed correctly, his name is definitely not John.

I lowered the book as I drew close to him, still trotting.

“Janice told me I would find you here. She wanted me to give you this book, the one you wanted to read.”

The man looked at me in surprise but he did hold his hand out instinctively when I tried to hand him the book. He took it from my hand.

Without looking at him again, I took off running through the bushes and then through the parking lot and out of sight.

I wish I could have witnessed how he reacted and what he told the woman he was with. Assuming she asked. They weren’t ‘together.’ They were just standing at the same bus stop.

He is no doubt wondering who John is, and maybe why Janice somehow knew that John would be at the bus stop. I hope he appreciates the fact that I added a little surprise and confused magic to his otherwise boring wait at the bus stop.

If he reads the book, it is a quick read and quite enjoyable. There’s my book review, if you needed an excuse to read this post.

“TIME TO PRANK. REMEMBER YOUR MISSION.”

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Behavior, Fayetteville, Humor

Anger + Laughter

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After work, I was standing two feet away from the trail spur. An older white guy on a bicycle started screaming. “On your f left!”

Actual screaming.

I waved and smiled out of habit.

It’s important that you realize I wasn’t on that side of the trail spur. I was standing on the outside. Which means I was on his right, in case you’re related to this guy and are accustomed to hearing upside-down world stupidity.

He stopped his bicycle. “Didn’t you hear me? Get the f*** out of the way!” He was a lot closer to me than he intended. I could have pushed him and toppled him over like a bad glass of chardonnay. leaving him entangled in his expensive bike.

I looked down at my feet, seeing that they were clearly in the grass and two feet away from the pavement.

Fire blossomed in my brain. “What the f*** are you cursing at me for? I’m not in your way or even on the trail spur.”

“When I tell you to move, get your ass out of my way.” He was angry. Like someone had stolen the bra he kept hidden under his bed.

“Sir, I suggest you depart with as much haste as you can muster. Because if you come closer to me or scream again, I’m going to tie your legs around your bicycle like a pretzel.”

“Are you threatening me?”

“No. I’m offering you the opportunity to become involuntarily limber. Now piss off.”

He called me a particularly interesting name as he started pedaling away. Because the crosswalk is 13 ft from the turn, the bicyclist did not have the right of way across the very busy road where people fly constantly.

He was so angry that he started across without looking in either direction. He was too busy screaming at me with his head turned.

Time slowed to molasses. The car coming down the hill screeched to a halt. If you guessed that the man spent several seconds shaking his fist at the driver and cursing her, you would be right.

As the guy on the bike pedaled the rest of the way across the street, the driver hit the horn and held it. The bicyclist jerked in surprise and once again stopped and recited a long list of curse words at the driver.

When he looked across to see that I was laughing, I expected literal fire to burst out of his head.

“F*** you!” he said.

“Thanks,” I said, giving him the thumbs up.

The driver shook her head and continued on.
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Humor, Lemon Moment, Personal

Time To Prank

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“TIME TO PRANK REMEMBER YOUR MISSION!” 

The weirdest noise filled my apartment. Even my cat lifted his head from atop his high perch on the sun-filled cat castle. I looked everywhere for the source – except for the very last place, where I found it. One set of my wireless headphones was beeping strangely. Assuming I was being pranked somehow or receiving an alien transmission, I let it beep. 

Picking up my phone, I realized I had an odd notification icon at the top of my screen. It was one of the native Samsung apps, blaring that I had an important reminder. Opening, I saw that it was from a year ago. 

“TIME TO PRANK! REMEMBER YOUR MISSION!” 

I don’t remember the day, but obviously the September afternoon must have sparked a reminder that I needed to get back to basic craziness. 

I sat at my computer and began my mission.

Let the games begin!

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Humor, Spanish

Humor

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Most of y’all don’t get to see it when I amuse myself by doing my dubious quotes in Spanish. This is part of the way I keep myself entertained even when it looks like I’m doing drudgery.

¡Atrévete a ser estúpido!
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Art, Humor, Personal

Bathroom Rainbows

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I tried to snap a colorful photo of the rainbows flipping across my custom wood print in my bathroom. Instead, I got a goofy but boring snap that I illuminated. I’ve had people offer me upwards of 50 cents for this one of a kind piece of art.

I would snap a picture of my living room so that you could see the 500 rainbows streaming in due to all the prisms I have hanging outside. But the zebra won’t get out of the picture long enough for me to take one.

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Fayetteville, Humor, Lemon Moment, Personal, Safety

Things I Shouldn’t Be Doing

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Because I’m out and about at the weirdest times, I often notice patterns, even when I’ oblivious to them for a long time. It’s hard to define what looks off or weird, but once you recognize it, you pay attention, even if only in passing.

And that’s where the unavoidable urge for shenanigans started.

I mentioned the specifics to a friend, which was an error on my part. Because once I vocalized my idea, it became an imperative.

I’d noticed that people were acting suspiciously. I don’t mean the “they voted conservative” type of suspicious. Walking in zigzags, looking around way too much, and reaching on top of places that normally aren’t touched. (Unless you are a pigeon.)

It took me two times to realize that what they were retrieving was something another person was leaving in the agreed upon place. Which lead me to the conclusion that whoever was leaving the item had a line-of-sight to the spot. I’m sure they were watching from one of the apartments on either side. Since the trees have been removed in that area, visibility is much better for nefarious activity. And bird watching. I had my doubts about the bird watching.

Which meant I had to be careful. Or go in disguise. It’s not like I could drive up in my inconspicuous bright blue little car, jump out wearing my cape, and startle the participants. I thought about putting on my squirrel mask and magic cloak to avoid being identified. Instead, I put on my weird winter hat and a mask, walked calmly up to the spot, and left several notes in the place in question. I’m sure having a winter hat on in the pre-dawn heat didn’t look the least bit suspicious. After all, I’ve seen people walking the street wearing their bed blankets.

I didn’t stick around to see what happened. Not just because I had to get to work, but because while I can run fast and creatively, I’d rather not try to outrun objects traveling at high velocity.

I’ll take bets that a couple of people made some strange faces when they found the notes I left.

I was a little vague in this post – and for obvious reasons.

Even though I’ve been a little too much in my head, this shenanigan made it much better.

I’ll include pictures of the some of the notes I left for the people who need to be less obvious in their attempts to break into dubious capitalism. You have to D.A.R.E. to make a profit, after all.

🙂

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