Category Archives: Humor

Behavior, Fayetteville, Humor

Anger + Laughter

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After work, I was standing two feet away from the trail spur. An older white guy on a bicycle started screaming. “On your f left!”

Actual screaming.

I waved and smiled out of habit.

It’s important that you realize I wasn’t on that side of the trail spur. I was standing on the outside. Which means I was on his right, in case you’re related to this guy and are accustomed to hearing upside-down world stupidity.

He stopped his bicycle. “Didn’t you hear me? Get the f*** out of the way!” He was a lot closer to me than he intended. I could have pushed him and toppled him over like a bad glass of chardonnay. leaving him entangled in his expensive bike.

I looked down at my feet, seeing that they were clearly in the grass and two feet away from the pavement.

Fire blossomed in my brain. “What the f*** are you cursing at me for? I’m not in your way or even on the trail spur.”

“When I tell you to move, get your ass out of my way.” He was angry. Like someone had stolen the bra he kept hidden under his bed.

“Sir, I suggest you depart with as much haste as you can muster. Because if you come closer to me or scream again, I’m going to tie your legs around your bicycle like a pretzel.”

“Are you threatening me?”

“No. I’m offering you the opportunity to become involuntarily limber. Now piss off.”

He called me a particularly interesting name as he started pedaling away. Because the crosswalk is 13 ft from the turn, the bicyclist did not have the right of way across the very busy road where people fly constantly.

He was so angry that he started across without looking in either direction. He was too busy screaming at me with his head turned.

Time slowed to molasses. The car coming down the hill screeched to a halt. If you guessed that the man spent several seconds shaking his fist at the driver and cursing her, you would be right.

As the guy on the bike pedaled the rest of the way across the street, the driver hit the horn and held it. The bicyclist jerked in surprise and once again stopped and recited a long list of curse words at the driver.

When he looked across to see that I was laughing, I expected literal fire to burst out of his head.

“F*** you!” he said.

“Thanks,” I said, giving him the thumbs up.

The driver shook her head and continued on.
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Humor, Lemon Moment, Personal

Time To Prank

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“TIME TO PRANK REMEMBER YOUR MISSION!” 

The weirdest noise filled my apartment. Even my cat lifted his head from atop his high perch on the sun-filled cat castle. I looked everywhere for the source – except for the very last place, where I found it. One set of my wireless headphones was beeping strangely. Assuming I was being pranked somehow or receiving an alien transmission, I let it beep. 

Picking up my phone, I realized I had an odd notification icon at the top of my screen. It was one of the native Samsung apps, blaring that I had an important reminder. Opening, I saw that it was from a year ago. 

“TIME TO PRANK! REMEMBER YOUR MISSION!” 

I don’t remember the day, but obviously the September afternoon must have sparked a reminder that I needed to get back to basic craziness. 

I sat at my computer and began my mission.

Let the games begin!

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Humor, Spanish

Humor

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Most of y’all don’t get to see it when I amuse myself by doing my dubious quotes in Spanish. This is part of the way I keep myself entertained even when it looks like I’m doing drudgery.

¡Atrévete a ser estúpido!
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Art, Humor, Personal

Bathroom Rainbows

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I tried to snap a colorful photo of the rainbows flipping across my custom wood print in my bathroom. Instead, I got a goofy but boring snap that I illuminated. I’ve had people offer me upwards of 50 cents for this one of a kind piece of art.

I would snap a picture of my living room so that you could see the 500 rainbows streaming in due to all the prisms I have hanging outside. But the zebra won’t get out of the picture long enough for me to take one.

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Fayetteville, Humor, Lemon Moment, Personal, Safety

Things I Shouldn’t Be Doing

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Because I’m out and about at the weirdest times, I often notice patterns, even when I’ oblivious to them for a long time. It’s hard to define what looks off or weird, but once you recognize it, you pay attention, even if only in passing.

And that’s where the unavoidable urge for shenanigans started.

I mentioned the specifics to a friend, which was an error on my part. Because once I vocalized my idea, it became an imperative.

I’d noticed that people were acting suspiciously. I don’t mean the “they voted conservative” type of suspicious. Walking in zigzags, looking around way too much, and reaching on top of places that normally aren’t touched. (Unless you are a pigeon.)

It took me two times to realize that what they were retrieving was something another person was leaving in the agreed upon place. Which lead me to the conclusion that whoever was leaving the item had a line-of-sight to the spot. I’m sure they were watching from one of the apartments on either side. Since the trees have been removed in that area, visibility is much better for nefarious activity. And bird watching. I had my doubts about the bird watching.

Which meant I had to be careful. Or go in disguise. It’s not like I could drive up in my inconspicuous bright blue little car, jump out wearing my cape, and startle the participants. I thought about putting on my squirrel mask and magic cloak to avoid being identified. Instead, I put on my weird winter hat and a mask, walked calmly up to the spot, and left several notes in the place in question. I’m sure having a winter hat on in the pre-dawn heat didn’t look the least bit suspicious. After all, I’ve seen people walking the street wearing their bed blankets.

I didn’t stick around to see what happened. Not just because I had to get to work, but because while I can run fast and creatively, I’d rather not try to outrun objects traveling at high velocity.

I’ll take bets that a couple of people made some strange faces when they found the notes I left.

I was a little vague in this post – and for obvious reasons.

Even though I’ve been a little too much in my head, this shenanigan made it much better.

I’ll include pictures of the some of the notes I left for the people who need to be less obvious in their attempts to break into dubious capitalism. You have to D.A.R.E. to make a profit, after all.

🙂

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Finances, Government, Humor, Opinion, Politics

The Maths

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I’m innumerate more often than I care to admit. BUT… I was spouting off the effects of inflation to someone who wasn’t buying it, pun intended. 

(Generally speaking, for those keyboard correctionists out there. If you’re looking for logic, we broke that door hinge again, possibly forever. If you’re looking for impeccable writing or ironclad mathematics, ask your doctor if Givafocken is right for you.) 

If I net $40,000 this year and the inflation rate stays at 2.7%, that means I will “lose” $1,080 in buying power compared to a year ago. Without a change in income or spending, $1,080 will vanish from my wallet. Sure, it will be the same of dollars, but WHAT I can buy with those dollars will decrease by 2.7%. The percentage sounds small, whereas the dollar amount tends to raise eyebrows. 

Much like buying things is harder when you calculate how many minutes, hours, or days you have to work to buy it. Especially if your boss is a micromanager, a dude named Steve or Kevin, or says BS like, “you need to circle back and touch base after you drill down and leverage your blue sky thinking.” You’re sacrificing your life segmented into minutes to buy every item you choose to purchase. 

That’s before the additional tariff nonsense, which is a tax regardless of how it is defined. The next effect is that higher costs will be passed to you, regardless of whether it is small or large. I assume you’ve noticed that highly profitable corporations tend to love their billions of dollars. They are the modern day dragons that we feared when we were children. They are resting on a reprehensible amount of wealth that should be taxed at a rate comparable to a couple of generations ago. But we’re stuck worrying about Karen maybe getting a few too many dollars that she has to stretch further than a Dollar Store condom. 

Conclusion: you’re losing a lot more money than you believe you are. Percentages are misleading because we don’t connect the concept of inflation to disappearing purchasing power. 

PS Rich people take a lot longer to feel the effects of economic factors because they do not need to spend all their money once earned, whereas we poor people are spending all of our money in an attempt to avoid a free month’s stay in the tent out back of our brother-in-law’s garage, or to avoid buying canned goods with pictures of animals on them. 

Although I make jokes in the telling of my point, I remain cautiously cynical about people who think economics is simple, straighforward, or honest. It’s like expecting your drunk, cheating husband to tell you why he has a pair of panties stuck in the glove box. You’re going to hear a mountain of nonsense. By the end of their excuses, they will have launched a campaign for the US Senate. 

Economics is the lie we tell ourselves that we can comprehend a global financial market with a million moving parts, while almost none of the variables are within our control or comprehension. 

This concludes my wildly strange TED talk. Please sign the guest register on your way out. 

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Humor

To Jump

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Why in the world does anyone leave something like this parked next to a building? There’s plenty of acceleration pavement in front of it. Bo and Luke wouldn’t hesitate. The result of jumping it in my blue car wouldn’t be pretty. But those couple of seconds up in the air? The idea of it beats the pants off pretty much any possible shenanigans.

PS it’s in the Fiesta Square parking lot If anybody wants to give it a try.
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Humor, Personal

Wanker

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Life is driven by coincidence at times. For example, the highly useful word “wanker” keeps popping up in my life. I had the opportunity to use it perfectly.

Because I’m out and about frequently, I’ve become accustomed to seeing certain people and knowing their behavior and eccentricities. Sometimes I see an older man who has difficulty walking fast. It doesn’t stop him from going out and enjoying the trails. He’s cautious.

I watched as he waited in the grass near the crosswalk, looking both ways multiple times and doing the math of velocity in his head so that he wouldn’t be a needless encumbrance on traffic. This particular crosswalk is at the bottom of the hill and people frequently drive 70 mph down it.

As I approached from the other direction, he started walking. A low flying plane disguised as a sedan flew down the hill. The pilot of the car began honking his horn quite a distance from the crosswalk. Which of course startled the elderly man crossing it. He froze and turned. Anyone who understands mobility issues knows that it’s difficult for some to turn quickly because it increases the risk of a fall. The airplane sedan slowed some in response. Instead of coming to a halt, he crossed over into the wrong lane and sped toward the traffic light as the older man stood a couple of feet away from the center of the crosswalk.

Sometimes I do things before I realize my feet are moving. I turned and sprinted toward the light. Standing on the sidewalk I made the international symbol for “roll down your window.”

The man did so. At which point I screamed, “Wanker!”

The man knew he was being insulted but didn’t understand how.

“Eff you, buddy!” His eloquence should be noted.

“I’m going to take a picture of your license when you go through the light.”

He continued his eloquence, cursing and what I would describe as True Alabaman. I watched as the light turned green and the man struggled to decide what to do. In perfect synchronicity, the light turned green.

I was delighted when the car behind the man honked furiously for him to move it.

As he pulled away, I pretended to take a picture of his license plate.

I’m hoping he’s stresses badly for the rest of the day. That he expects a call or a knock on his door asking why he’s flying his plane at more than twice the speed limit and failing to yield at a crosswalk.

Wanker.

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