“My father was a swimmer. He drowned.”
“At least he died doing what he loved.”
“No, he hated drowning.”
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Category Archives: Humor
Humor
Most of y’all don’t get to see it when I amuse myself by doing my dubious quotes in Spanish. This is part of the way I keep myself entertained even when it looks like I’m doing drudgery.
¡Atrévete a ser estúpido!
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Bathroom Rainbows
I tried to snap a colorful photo of the rainbows flipping across my custom wood print in my bathroom. Instead, I got a goofy but boring snap that I illuminated. I’ve had people offer me upwards of 50 cents for this one of a kind piece of art.
I would snap a picture of my living room so that you could see the 500 rainbows streaming in due to all the prisms I have hanging outside. But the zebra won’t get out of the picture long enough for me to take one.
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Things I Shouldn’t Be Doing
Because I’m out and about at the weirdest times, I often notice patterns, even when I’ oblivious to them for a long time. It’s hard to define what looks off or weird, but once you recognize it, you pay attention, even if only in passing.
And that’s where the unavoidable urge for shenanigans started.
I mentioned the specifics to a friend, which was an error on my part. Because once I vocalized my idea, it became an imperative.
I’d noticed that people were acting suspiciously. I don’t mean the “they voted conservative” type of suspicious. Walking in zigzags, looking around way too much, and reaching on top of places that normally aren’t touched. (Unless you are a pigeon.)
It took me two times to realize that what they were retrieving was something another person was leaving in the agreed upon place. Which lead me to the conclusion that whoever was leaving the item had a line-of-sight to the spot. I’m sure they were watching from one of the apartments on either side. Since the trees have been removed in that area, visibility is much better for nefarious activity. And bird watching. I had my doubts about the bird watching.
Which meant I had to be careful. Or go in disguise. It’s not like I could drive up in my inconspicuous bright blue little car, jump out wearing my cape, and startle the participants. I thought about putting on my squirrel mask and magic cloak to avoid being identified. Instead, I put on my weird winter hat and a mask, walked calmly up to the spot, and left several notes in the place in question. I’m sure having a winter hat on in the pre-dawn heat didn’t look the least bit suspicious. After all, I’ve seen people walking the street wearing their bed blankets.
I didn’t stick around to see what happened. Not just because I had to get to work, but because while I can run fast and creatively, I’d rather not try to outrun objects traveling at high velocity.
I’ll take bets that a couple of people made some strange faces when they found the notes I left.
I was a little vague in this post – and for obvious reasons.
Even though I’ve been a little too much in my head, this shenanigan made it much better.
I’ll include pictures of the some of the notes I left for the people who need to be less obvious in their attempts to break into dubious capitalism. You have to D.A.R.E. to make a profit, after all.
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The Maths
I’m innumerate more often than I care to admit. BUT… I was spouting off the effects of inflation to someone who wasn’t buying it, pun intended.
(Generally speaking, for those keyboard correctionists out there. If you’re looking for logic, we broke that door hinge again, possibly forever. If you’re looking for impeccable writing or ironclad mathematics, ask your doctor if Givafocken is right for you.)
If I net $40,000 this year and the inflation rate stays at 2.7%, that means I will “lose” $1,080 in buying power compared to a year ago. Without a change in income or spending, $1,080 will vanish from my wallet. Sure, it will be the same of dollars, but WHAT I can buy with those dollars will decrease by 2.7%. The percentage sounds small, whereas the dollar amount tends to raise eyebrows.
Much like buying things is harder when you calculate how many minutes, hours, or days you have to work to buy it. Especially if your boss is a micromanager, a dude named Steve or Kevin, or says BS like, “you need to circle back and touch base after you drill down and leverage your blue sky thinking.” You’re sacrificing your life segmented into minutes to buy every item you choose to purchase.
That’s before the additional tariff nonsense, which is a tax regardless of how it is defined. The next effect is that higher costs will be passed to you, regardless of whether it is small or large. I assume you’ve noticed that highly profitable corporations tend to love their billions of dollars. They are the modern day dragons that we feared when we were children. They are resting on a reprehensible amount of wealth that should be taxed at a rate comparable to a couple of generations ago. But we’re stuck worrying about Karen maybe getting a few too many dollars that she has to stretch further than a Dollar Store condom.
Conclusion: you’re losing a lot more money than you believe you are. Percentages are misleading because we don’t connect the concept of inflation to disappearing purchasing power.
PS Rich people take a lot longer to feel the effects of economic factors because they do not need to spend all their money once earned, whereas we poor people are spending all of our money in an attempt to avoid a free month’s stay in the tent out back of our brother-in-law’s garage, or to avoid buying canned goods with pictures of animals on them.
Although I make jokes in the telling of my point, I remain cautiously cynical about people who think economics is simple, straighforward, or honest. It’s like expecting your drunk, cheating husband to tell you why he has a pair of panties stuck in the glove box. You’re going to hear a mountain of nonsense. By the end of their excuses, they will have launched a campaign for the US Senate.
Economics is the lie we tell ourselves that we can comprehend a global financial market with a million moving parts, while almost none of the variables are within our control or comprehension.
This concludes my wildly strange TED talk. Please sign the guest register on your way out.
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Morse Code Joke
Nerd Level Elite: I decided to start making videos of my jokes in Morse code. You’re welcome.
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PS I’ll post the answer upside down and backward below.
To Jump
Why in the world does anyone leave something like this parked next to a building? There’s plenty of acceleration pavement in front of it. Bo and Luke wouldn’t hesitate. The result of jumping it in my blue car wouldn’t be pretty. But those couple of seconds up in the air? The idea of it beats the pants off pretty much any possible shenanigans.
PS it’s in the Fiesta Square parking lot If anybody wants to give it a try.
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Wanker
Life is driven by coincidence at times. For example, the highly useful word “wanker” keeps popping up in my life. I had the opportunity to use it perfectly.
Because I’m out and about frequently, I’ve become accustomed to seeing certain people and knowing their behavior and eccentricities. Sometimes I see an older man who has difficulty walking fast. It doesn’t stop him from going out and enjoying the trails. He’s cautious.
I watched as he waited in the grass near the crosswalk, looking both ways multiple times and doing the math of velocity in his head so that he wouldn’t be a needless encumbrance on traffic. This particular crosswalk is at the bottom of the hill and people frequently drive 70 mph down it.
As I approached from the other direction, he started walking. A low flying plane disguised as a sedan flew down the hill. The pilot of the car began honking his horn quite a distance from the crosswalk. Which of course startled the elderly man crossing it. He froze and turned. Anyone who understands mobility issues knows that it’s difficult for some to turn quickly because it increases the risk of a fall. The airplane sedan slowed some in response. Instead of coming to a halt, he crossed over into the wrong lane and sped toward the traffic light as the older man stood a couple of feet away from the center of the crosswalk.
Sometimes I do things before I realize my feet are moving. I turned and sprinted toward the light. Standing on the sidewalk I made the international symbol for “roll down your window.”
The man did so. At which point I screamed, “Wanker!”
The man knew he was being insulted but didn’t understand how.
“Eff you, buddy!” His eloquence should be noted.
“I’m going to take a picture of your license when you go through the light.”
He continued his eloquence, cursing and what I would describe as True Alabaman. I watched as the light turned green and the man struggled to decide what to do. In perfect synchronicity, the light turned green.
I was delighted when the car behind the man honked furiously for him to move it.
As he pulled away, I pretended to take a picture of his license plate.
I’m hoping he’s stresses badly for the rest of the day. That he expects a call or a knock on his door asking why he’s flying his plane at more than twice the speed limit and failing to yield at a crosswalk.
Wanker.
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Angry Sausage
Another good example of misadventure… I could change the language to not be so onerous, but why?
I had a couple of interesting social interactions before heading toward the creek. Good ones. I kicked off my shoes and left them in the car. I stood a couple of feet away from the trail edge. You’d have to be drunk and riding a bicycle with 2 ft handlebar extensions to make contact with any part of my body.
I was putting my phone in my pocket as a man dressed as a summer sausage pedalled toward me. I won’t explain the comparison. Suffice it to say, it’s more than apt.
“Get out of the effing way,” he shouted. I looked behind me confusedly and then turned my head as he passed me.
“Johnsonville,” I said, and laughed. It couldn’t be offensive to him because there’s no way he could have understood the thoughts going through my head when I first saw him with that angry look on his face.
He came to a precarious stop. “What did you say to me?” He half-shouted.
“I recommended both a hearing aid and an optometrist.” I couldn’t stop myself. Even though he did not understand my wit, I did. It seems fair if someone’s going to be out in public with anger issues, they better be prepared to eat the plate of creative sarcasm and buffoonery that I love serving.
“Stay off the trail!” He sounded so unreasonable that I wondered why he didn’t have a part-time job with the White House as a peace negotiator.
I had a flash of movie inspiration. “He’s already pulled over!” I tried mimic the dude from Super Troopers. For those who’ve seen the movie, you can picture the absurdity that I was experiencing.
Summer sausage was about to say something.
But I had another flash of inspiration. I tossed my headphones to the grass and then began running.
Summer sausage tried to pedal forward so fast that he was going nowhere, like a cartoon character hanging over a cliff with his feet frantically pistoning.
When I said I took off running, I actually ran in place by frantically flailing my arms as if I were running the hundred yard dash without moving.
Summer sausage did not look back as he finally started riding on the trail at an appropriate speed for exercise. In a way, you could say I had become his personal trainer by motivating him to speed up.
My suspicion is that for the remainder of today’s bicycle ride, he kept his anger to himself.
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Saturday Morning Pterodactyls
I love writing about positive interactions. But I remind people that not all of them are. A few minutes ago, I managed to make myself laugh after running into someone who thinks the world was created just for her.
Wandering the park, I was listening and watching for birds. Not people.
“What are you doing?” The woman’s voice surprised me. I looked up to see a woman standing a few feet away. She held a leash attached to a beautiful dog.
“I’m enjoying the morning. How are you doing?” I smiled as I looked away from my bird app for a second.
“No, I meant, what are YOU doing?” There was a tone to her voice, one which implied that she was both the gatekeeper of the area and had the right to ask anyone at any time how dare they be where they are.
“Right now, I’m wondering how cleverly I can indirectly insult you so that you’ll go about your morning and enjoy it so that I can do the same.”
“There’s no reason to talk to me that way,” she said, as she pulled on the dog leash. The dog wanted me to pet it. Or perhaps rescue it from the clutches of its owner. She looked the kind of dog owner who would individually count every pebble of food before feeding the dog. I had an aunt like that.
“Well, I hope you enjoy the rest of your day,” I said as I smiled.
The woman grunted and mumbled to herself as she marched away. I’m 100% sure that she wished she had a hard marble surface to stomp on so that I would have to listen to her heels clicking as she high stepped.
When she reached a point about 20 yards away from me and across the steel bridge, I couldn’t resist. Some of the people who know me know I do one hell of a pterodactyl scream. I let loose.
I watched as the woman froze and looked around. Not seeing anything, she returned to her disapproving high step walk. At which point, I let out an even louder pterodactyl scream. She froze again for a second and then walked as fast as anyone can without breaking into a run.
Because of the early hour and the magical absence of traffic or mundane sounds, you might be surprised how far a pterodactyl scream carries in the beautiful misty morning.
I let out five shriekingly loud pterodactyl screams before letting the morning return to its normal quiet state. Just in case someone else is using the Merlin app. They’ll have one hell of a story trying to explain the noise they heard on an early Saturday morning.
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P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 