The Vice Rule: invest in vice and frivolous hobbies and you’ll always have money in the bank.
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The Vice Rule
Category Archives: Humor
Tuesday Mash
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If Rapunzel’s hair were long enough to allow someone to use it to climb up, it proves that she suffered from a massive lack of critical thinking. She could have tied her hair to something in the tower, cut it, and climbed down herself. – From The Book, “X’s Stolen Ideas From Children’s Stories.”
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I thought my apartment simplex was a horror show. I can walk to Elm Street in 3 minutes. Though the streets are dark and shadowy, Mr Krueger will not show his face.
PS. A clever person messaged me and said, ” Duh it’s too warm to have a sweater on out there.”
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My name is the truest palindrome in our language. It’s omnidirectional. I don’t know why, but the number of people asking about my name has escalated over the last few months. There are times when I wish I’d chosen a 23-letter name, one that sounds like a mouthful of crickets and consonants. 
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A creative friend wrote this off-handedly; it’s funny and I think I could write a book with this sentence as the preamble.
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Worst football game ever!
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Ghost Prank!
Modern ghosts use higher thread count – and certainly more stylish colors.
I pranked my neighbor by carefully walking across the apartment landing and triggering both of her cameras as I wore my stylish ghost costume.
Long live Halloween. (And goofiness, too!)
Love, X
P.S. My cat Güino has commandeered my ghost suit. I was going to go to the other end and knock on the neighbor’s door and say something clever.
Catch Up!
I’ve been working on my new album. I have to finish it before Adele drops hers. Live focus groups, however, have been giving me mixed critiques!
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My latest painted rock. Would it be funny to conspicuously place this at the local convenience store gas pumps?
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“Trivial Pursuit” would be an ideal and sarcastic name for my autobiography. And each chapter should start with a question; by the end of the book, you could calculate your correct guesses. .
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Fayetteville is getting a little out of hand with these personalized signs. I noticed this one on my early morning walk today.
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My counselor said, “If you don’t like having a mortgage, then you have an Apartment Complex.”
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In this modern world, the best enemies are the Amish, because they’ll never see you talking smack about them on the internet.
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My application for entry into the Seminary was rejected. One of the questions asked was, “Give an example of how the Church might save a lot of money.” I answered, “If you’d bless the water filter, you could make a lot more holy water with each blessing.”
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My neighbor told me he couldn’t figure out why people stopped honking at him while he drove. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’d placed a “Student Driver” sticker on his bumper.
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Note: the spelling error is intentional on the above picture!
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Microsoft now offers bedding. I went online to the Microsoft Store and bought myself a set of nice Excel spreadsheets for $20.
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Therapy With Humor
When I arrived at the counselor’s office, I texted her in Spanish: “I’ve arrived. I hope the clown suit doesn’t bother you.” (She’s learned a decent amount of Spanish) I don’t think she would have been surprised if I had a clown suit on.
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I drew a picture of my money.
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I won’t inundate your feed with too many pictures of my cat Güino. However, people ask, “What’s with his name?” When he came home from the Springdale Animal Shelter in 2008, he was VERY young. When I visited him at the shelter, all he did was make this strange cry. It sounded like a penguin! Since I love Spanish, I shortened the word “pingüino” to “Güino.” It’s also fun to use a name with an umlaut in it. It’s pronounced “Gwee-no.” .
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My counselor said, “If you don’t like having a mortgage, then you have an Apartment Complex.”
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An edit I did for a meme I see all over the internet.
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An edit for a friend’s beautiful view…
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(Another edit for a friend…)
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A Post With Something For All
A Post With Something For All TastesWhen I had my staples removed last Thursday, the surgeon unexpectedly put a liter of glue on my long wound and covered it with twenty pieces of tape. It felt like I had a toaster glued on me. “It will fall off naturally in a week or two.” Yes, and it will also “fall off naturally” when I get one weirdly caught on the towel and rip it off. I don’t know why, but I am suddenly wide awake. With that in my mind, read the captions of all these pictures (and one very short video joke…)
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Someone wrote me and said, “I can’t believe you don’t have pithy sayings written on any of your painted tiles on the landing outside the apartment.”
Well, problem solved. I don’t think Larkma, the sprite, will mind.
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Even though I live in an apartment, I use my pest control habits to spray the dumpsters, walkways, and anything else with a great environmentally safe insecticide. It’s safe for pets and humans, too. It’s not good in lemonade, but it’s the best. I got tickled when one of the neighbors asked me to come inside and spray their kitchen. It’s been a blue moon since I posted about it, but most people can save a lot of money by doing this sort of thing for themselves instead of paying an exterminator. Especially if they pay for a once-a-year treatment and then do the quarterly sprays themselves. I’m sure I looked a little out of my element this morning, wearing a vest and looking like I was about to go to church. (If I owned an extermination company, I’d definitely have the employees dress in costume, doubly so around Halloween. I don’t think it would ‘bug’ them.)
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I made an audio joke about a pirate and his parrot problem. Wee baba!
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The word ‘ b e d ‘ looks like a bed. I think someone should make the box spring or platform section out of those three letters, both because it is creative and it would also label that piece of furniture.
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My nutritionist warned me to be careful what I eat for breakfast. She was right! I accidentally bought a box of ReinCarnation Breakfast Drink. My lives flashed before my eyes.
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Thanks to the stupidity of the English language, we have no way of knowing whether the “s” or “c” is silent in “scent.”
*Now if we can get Bob to be silent, I’ll be happy.
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Understandtable: the one extra letter conveys another meaning. This type of table should be one always holding a book that enlightens you. (Even if it is the Face”book.”) Enlightenment is everywhere if you’re interested. Zen masters told us that chopping wood and carrying water is the only path. Where you learn isn’t the issue. IF you do is. You can learn a lot by just watching people – and more so if you have a good set of binoculars and/or telephoto lens.
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Don’t get mad at me when I sing “Happy Birthday!” at a séance. Dim lighting, candles, several people around a table. It’s basically the SAME thing.
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Though it seems obvious, in most cases, you can quickly determine whether someone is LIKELY left-handed or right-handed by which way they do their belt.
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It doesn’t happen as often as it used to, but many people assume I’m black when they realize that my name really is X. I love that. Now that I have new people around me, I get to experiment with my list of crazy answers about my name. If I died suddenly, everyone would argue about which answer is true. It’s a shame I want to be cremated (after I die, thank you very much!) because I picture people looking for the headstone: “Duh. X marks the spot.”
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I keep threatening to sneak a set of cymbals into church. People will shout “Jesus!” like they never have before when I use them.
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I know where the cliché “open a can of worms” originated. I think we should change it to “open a can of spiders,” and flying ones at that. The entertainment value of such a change could be spectacular.
Stolen Rock Window Larceny
As I stood outside painting another big rock for my landing, I realized that they are the perfect size to throw through my large front windows. This one, the one I painted today, I stole from the remnants of a neighbor who moved out and left the apartment in a “shambles,” whatever that is. The neighbor who moved should have taken her trash with her; it would save time for her to clutter the new place like this one immediately, so she’d feel more at home.
Notes:
Metal security doors are dumb when there are large, knee-high windows right there next to them.
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I have a metal flipper that goes inside the jamb. It requires two hits with a battering ram to break through. This will give me time to make coffee and donuts for the police who will inevitably storm my apartment by accident, thinking I’m the drug dealer here. I’m considering putting a note and an arrow on my front door, pointing to the actual known drug dealer. It’s problematic if he sees it, though.
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I do have a security camera, though I almost always leave it unarmed. And unlegged. I use it more for entertainment and as a virtual window than anything.
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If you’re wondering, YES, I do paint rocks ornately or with clever messages and leave them all over Fayetteville. The rocks are free ( 🙂 ) and the paint doesn’t cost much.
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I also love painting quarters and then using them in the washing machines and dryers. Sidenote to this note: you can get master keys to almost all commercial washers online. I wouldn’t of course. I just like knowing that I can.
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I had a rough few moments today. I had some great moments too. My emergency ER visit and subsequent surgery happened three weeks ago today. The bills will inevitably come. The good news is that I know the hospital is very invested in me not dying because otherwise they won’t get paid. I take solace in that!
…also, my 401k provider keeps saying, “You fixed it,” and then emailing me to say my account is not up to date. I kindly call them and say, “Hey, I almost died. Could you get this updated and fixed?” They say, “You’re good.” Four times in a row. I had to falsify a pdf form today because the fact that I’m not married evidently isn’t proof that my spouse consents to the change. 🙂
Love, X
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Catch Up Post
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I didn’t make this; I modified it, but I love the plot twist of the sentiment. I say the first part often – but love the alternate sentiment, too. It’s like an Angry Hallmark card. (Patent Pending)
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I got a Covid booster shot yesterday. My arm feels like I had a punching contest with Joe Buss. (For those who don’t know him, imagine the Incredible Hulk except with a bad haircut.) Flu shots start Monday. I think I need to schedule an acupuncture appointment for Tuesday or possibly a 12″x12″ tattoo. I’d hate to forget the pleasure of needles.
P.S. Using dumbbells evidently gives me the reminder I need.
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I burned my feet making breakfast…
in the toester.
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When you need someone to do something really bad, wouldn’t you go to Rent-A-Sinner?
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Trying to decide if the surgeon would like to be pranked and scared by me jumping out from behind the door. If I do it, he might opt to remove my staples with a paper stapler remover.
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I got the Arkansas Guide To Nature: Senior Edition today in the mail. Recommendation: “Look out the window and don’t be stupid. Nature’s not for you.”
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Ridiculous But Logical HumorA single friend of mine told me he was having difficulty meeting single women. I explained to him that my law of simplicity offered a very clear and easy resolution to his problem. All he needs to do is to find an attractive woman who is walking with her significant other. And run said significant other over with his vehicle. The lady in question by definition is therefore immediately single. I’m not sure how elegant my solution is but it is absurdly logical.
You’re welcome, X
PS this is the kind of humor you get after you hope and pray that I survive emergency surgery. Just sayin’.
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This is for Maeghan, who should see an example of what words can convey and the model of what a good life can look like…
She paused to watch her children laughing. They are scattered around the kitchen table, each of them excitedly attempting to interject a bit of wit or insult to their siblings. Knowing they are together in a house she bought with her husband fills her with love and pride. She and Luis will soon celebrate their anniversary on Sept. 21st. Luis gives her passion, humor, and a face that should have been in a Boy Band.
She thinks about the four F’s: family, finances, faith, and fulfillment. After so many years of scratching from humble beginnings, she tries to remind herself of the gratitude that motivates her each day.
For the first time in her adult life, she can define all four by simply looking at the table full of children.
Education, house, career – all those things are essential. And each of them brings challenges. With the help of family who loves her and friends who laughingly support her, she incrementally finds a way to realize her goals. Like so many, her goals morphed and changed as she did.
Because her new career not only helps feed her children and her dreams, she realizes that helping people find homes in which to enjoy their lives might probably be the best job to have in the world.
She sat a minute longer, lingering with a faint smile on her face. When her journey started, she had no conception of fulfillment; this embodies it. Though she stood up from the couch with her head filled with to-dos for work, she realized that it wasn’t work at all. Few people have a life that they could happily call their own. It takes hard work and missteps, both in equal measure, to get where she is.
Most importantly, she now knows that everything that fills her to brim with love and kindness isn’t a ‘thing’ at all. She hopes that every house she sells will be home to a family like hers.
Amor + Work = Success
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Today, at 2:40 p.m., a drunk driver slammed into the Razorback Malco theater. It was a box office smash.
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Sling Blade Scenario DIY Kit
Well, I finally finished my ultimate art project, one celebrating one of the best movies of all time: Sling Blade.
Now, if I find myself in a Sling Blade scenario, I have a tool handy for the Doyles of the world.
It’s a brilliant piece of art, if I do say so myself.
Yes, that is a real lawnmower blade in the kit.
Love,
Karl aka X
Get Up!
Not Safe For Work
Contains Profanity & Other Good Stuff
Seriously, Don’t Watch Or Listen If You Despise Cursing
If you’re not familiar with Marc Rebbilet, I’m sorry. He’s acquired some fame for his brand of on-the-fly music-making, fancy robes, boxer briefs, and irreverent take on music, initially recorded in his apartment.
I listened to this for the first ten minutes of my walk this morning. It’s funky, ridiculous, and makes me laugh.
If I’m found dead, some people will be unable to process the variety of music that resonates with me. From Los Angeles Azules to Il Divo… to whatever this is.
Whatever it is: Get Up!
Mistitled Trifecta
I have more than two full shelves of brooches and wearables now. That picture on the shelf is one of my Uncle Buck in the bathtub, taken about 50 years ago. It brings a bit of laughter to my face when I look at it. I’m not smiling because although I snapped five pictures, all the other ones look like I was just hit with a can of whipped cream.
Since my surgery, the nutritionist told me to eat at least 75 grams of protein a day. My boss Joe quipped, “You’re gonna have to get those numbers up.” I used to mock guys who lugged around a jug of protein powder. But it’s a lot less expensive than buying cases of good nutrition drinks. I’ve always loved the taste of raw protein and similar emulsifiers, so I think this will be good. Ignore me if my mustache is always powdery, okay?
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I got a list of dumbbell exercises that I’m supposed to do. No pushups for a while, though. 🙂 I have three dumbbells in the apartment: two five-lb ones and myself.
Before I started doing pushups on June 1st, my shoulder hurt from my job, especially my right shoulder. The pain went to basically zero within six weeks. If that nonsense returns, I’m going to start eating a lot ice cream. I researched it on the internet because that’s where we’re supposed to get our health advice. Millions of people can’t be wrong.
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Neighbor: “X, would you like to have kids?”
“Why, do you have extra you need to get rid of?”
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Customer service call:
“Would you like to hold or be held?”
(I’m pretty sure that’s what they said…)
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I’m always surprised by the number of washing machines at nudist colonies. But not by the number of contact rashes.
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“Sometimes making a meal with your best friend” could be read as tandem food preparation OR that you’re a cannibal.
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My friend Rodney told me that he was so excited that his wife had joined him in a love of shooting. Since I was over at his house a couple of weeks ago, I heard his wife Jane tell another friend, “Let’s target practice on Saturday.”
I told Rodney he might check her Target rewards card because she didn’t mean the other kind of target practice.
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“Silence is a superpower.” – X
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If you play rock/paper/scissors, studies have proven that if you ask the other person a question immediately before playing, they will most likely select “scissors” as their first choice.
P.S. Can one of y’all tell me how RPS isn’t an Olympic sport already?
P.P.S. Rock-Paper-Scissors should be played with real objects for maximum unsafety.
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Lately, I’ve kept my promise to say, “I don’t know” or “I don’t understand.” It undoubtedly exasperates people. While I can’t reliably speak on behalf of other people, it’s hard to believe that they don’t suffer from the same tendency to attempt to avoid admitting they “don’t get it.” Part of my own journey led me to realize it was something I needed to backtrack and work on. I’m getting the hint, though. A lot of people’s hair is suddenly standing on end when they deal with me. 🙂 “There’s no such thing as a dumb question” suddenly seems to be completely false.
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“There’s dark blue, dark red, dark green.. but there’s no real dark yellow.” Whoever said this hasn’t bee in the hospital, eaten really strong vitamins, nor consumed an entire box of cheerios in one sitting.”
I got to use a version of a classic joke while answering health questions:
“X, do you smoke?”
“I’ve never looked.”
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Hope’s vending machine: a wishing well.
(This one is not mine either, but I loved it.)
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I filled my day with a variety of activities; a few were random acts of kindness, a couple were to beautify this place around me, and the rest were a combination of careful exercise, reading, and trying to eat calories and protein. I love the days but I’m still learning to fill the absence of people with ‘other.’
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If you didn’t read my “Bullets” post earlier, you missed a couple of juicy bits.
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Love, X
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P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 