Five years ago, I was visiting Miami. The taxi dropped me on Collins Avenue. There were people everywhere, which shouldn’t have surprised me. Being unfamiliar with the streets, I couldn’t easily find a good eatery. There certainly weren’t any Subway sandwich shops and the thought of how delectable one would be motivated me to keep walking in the heat.

I turned south and found myself in a throng of people, all of whom were slowly moving. Up ahead, I could see a sandwich shop sign above all the people on the street. Twenty minutes later, I entered the crowded shop and felt the air conditioning on my face.

Ahead of me in line, I could see a group of people standing tightly together instead of in the line. A woman was in the center of the entourage. I could see her talking animatedly with her group. As I inched closer, I realized that I recognized her voice: it was Tina Turner and several of her musicians and dancers.

She turned back to the person making the orders. She asked for 4 turkey clubs, a hero, a couple of pastramis on rye, and 5 vegetarian sandwiches. Because the food preparer was probably a little starstruck, Tina had to repeat herself a few times.

The preparer leaned over the sneeze-guard and said something I couldn’t quite hear.

Tina, in frustration, leaned toward the food preparer and shouted, “We don’t need another hero!”

One morning, I woke up later than normal. I had taken my wife Dawn to the doctor the evening before and we’d then stopped by to see some friends.

I heard an odd thudding from somewhere. Weirdly, Dawn arose earlier than I had.

I followed the sound through the house and looked into the smaller bathroom.

I got a dog last Sunday and on the way home, it jumped out of the car, barking and running fast. Someone passing by yelled, “You need to go to the dentist!” as he slowly drove be me.

“The dentist?” I asked him. “Why?”

Without hesitating, he shouted back, “Cause you’re missing a canine!”

My neighbor Matt adopted a new cat last Saturday. He’d always had dogs but wanted a cat for his wife. After a few days, he came over and reluctantly asked me to visit and play with it to see if I could determine what was wrong with it.

When I went inside Matt’s house, I could see the cat’s eyes peering at me from under the sofa, hiding as far under it as possible.

“Here, kitty kitty,” I murmured to it. The cat suspiciously poked its head out and then scampered stealthily around the sofa and table to stare at me through slitted eyes. Each time I raised my arm, the cat retreated slightly, watching every movement in the room.

This went on for about five minutes.

Matt asked me, “X, what do you think is wrong with my cat?”

“Nothing,” I replied. “He’s just purranoid.”

I watched a soccer match yesterday. I thought it was a soccer match. It turned out to be a group of hipsters chasing an empty Walmart bag.

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I went to the convenience store and read the cashier’s mind. Or, I tried to. It was in Braille.

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I accidentally revealed how I really feel about my boss. He mentioned that he had to go home for a few minutes and I asked him what side of town he kept his crypt.

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I’ve been cleared of the doping allegations. In other news, I need to engage in a sport to be banned for doping – and recreational eating still isn’t on ESPN.

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The more someone says, “No one reads anymore,” the more certain I am that he or she is really saying, “I don’t read anymore.” – X

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Rarer than the North Carolina Unicorn: the Venn Diagram of Surprise Parties and Cardiac Rehab.

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The sign said “Act Now!” so I did my best William Shatner-as-Macbeth impression.

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Investment Tip: join me in buying stock in the new internet prosthetic eye company. Fill-In-The-Blink, Inc.

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I know a guy named Chip Mhoon. The ‘H’ in his name is always silent – unlike him, who never is.

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Reciprocity Observation: How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot-in-the-mouth?

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Sorry about the explosive mix-up at the fancy supermarket. It turns out the bagging clerk asked me, ” Paper or Plastique ? ”

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“Hunger Strike” sounds exactly like a version of bowling wherein the bowler who misses all the pins isn’t allowed to eat for at least 48 hours.

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“You know that age is winning the race when a youngster (anyone under 35) asks, “What’s your favorite summer jam?” and you reply with the name of any fruit.” – X

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Four hours later, I’m finished: I built an old pallet out of a coffee table.

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“Of violins, he spoke with eloquence, though his heart was tuned to a banjo of unknown origin.” – X

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I think it’s a strange spectacle how we go about our day, with a universe of ideas and stories in our heads. The oblique truth always finds a soft place to land.

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May your day be a multitude of happy moments…

If you don’t want an appetizer, you should always order a non-starter.

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After carefully observing these Anointed States of America over the last few days, it’s my opinion that the porous border isn’t the problem. It’s our porous brains, capable of so much, yet mired in the lesser.

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Terminix will no longer talk to me. I called asking for help with a major pest infestation that needed immediate attention. “Address?” they asked me. “The White House, and make it pronto.”

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I think I ate too much. As I got up to leave, the hostess looked at my stomach and then handed me a bottle of prenatal vitamins.

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I wouldn’t say they were mad but they were steamed vegetables.

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I wasn’t feeling quite right that day, so I drove to work entirely on Off Ramps.

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If you have more than one vowel in your name, you are selfish. Somewhere, a kid named Kpdnm is really unhappy.

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Why is there “Texas toast,” but not “Texas French Toast?” Is that too much geography for breakfast?

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“I don’t want to be shielded from my own stupidity. And I doubt that anyone makes a shield that large, anyway.” – X

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A realtor friend of mine invited me to a “Parade of Homes.” Worst band and floats I’ve ever seen.

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People with concealed carry permits concern me because it’s like they’re hiding something.

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I warmly embraced Friday, a sign that commerce is still a victor in this battle.

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