I’m glad fall is here.
I’m not going to miss all these stickers.
.
Fall!
Category Archives: Humor
The Unwelcome Power of Negativity
I modified this affirmational meme with just one slash across the letter “L.”
I love attempting to mess with informational memes. After I made this one on a lark, I couldn’t escape the idea that there was another hidden meaning to my humor.
This is exactly how negativity or a negative person can affect the big picture. One small act or word transforms your state of mind, your day, and your ability to focus on what matters.
Negative people are consumed by an external validation that things aren’t okay. Of course they aren’t – in multiple ways. The world is a terror for many people.
But for the rest of us, the obstacles and messes don’t make us lose focus or become embittered.
Studies have repeatedly shown that if you want to improve your life, you should reduce negative thoughts and people more frequently than you tell yourself positive ones. Negativity is stronger than positivity. You can surround yourself with sixteen positive, engaging people; one spoiled one will literally corrupt your bushel.
Love, X
Superhero For Mockery
“Put your hands up. This is a mockery.”
We need a superhero with this famous tagline phrase.
He swoops in at the very moment someone sends us a CYA email, one that probably starts with the passive-aggressive “per my last email.”
Or when management blames us for failing to complete a 9,000-item checklist with staff better suited to boil water.
Let’s not forget in-service or education, the kind that includes things we don’t need to know (or we’d already know it), where the goal is to get through as quickly as possible without succumbing to insanity as our fingers click keys faster than a cocaine-fueled chipmunk.
We definitely need this superhero when we have a malingerer. The ones with apparently infinite time to tell us stories, usually punctuated by, “I am SO busy.” All they’ll feel is the splash of the water balloon, right after they feel something press into the small of their back.
When we hear the phrase, “We’re family.” Lord knows that when we’re with family at Thanksgiving, most of us are calculating how quickly we can stuff Uncle Larry and his opinions into the garage deep freezer. It’s best to avoid that phrase at work.
He’d dramatically run into the meeting, the could-have-been-an-email kind, and force us to put our hands up and admit no one knows why we’re in a budget crisis yet spending thousands on a gathering to consume bad pastry products and pray that we might be drinking poisoned coffee.
My superhero would have the elements of Terry Tate, Office Linebacker, armed with only scathing sarcasm, eye-rolls, and water balloons to lob at the offenders upon discovery.
Lastly, my superhero would tell us jokes until we laughed. Even if takes ninety-seven jokes to do so. And to remind us that work is just work, not a mission to save mankind or fool ourselves into getting our identity mixed up with commerce-driven endeavors.
A lot of work is Greek tragedy, at least to those wrapped up in it. Look at how all those turned out.
Take a step back. Lighten up. Do your job well. But not so much that you can’t appreciate the farce of sacrificing your well-being for a position that will be refilled faster than a manager’s coffee cup.
And if you forget? My superhero will be there when you least expect it.
“Put your hands up! This is a mockery!”
Love, X
.
What The L
What The L
People aren’t familiar with axolotls. (Unless they do a lot of hallucinogens.) They’ve probably seen Pokémons based on axolotls or salamanders. It’s a beautiful creature native to a couple of lakes in Mexico. They have no eyelids, are deaf, and don’t undergo metamorphosis like their salamander counterparts. (Much like incels. PS The word “incel” is a portmanteau of “involuntarily celibate.”) Axolots can be induced to replace their gills with lungs and become land creatures. They also are intensely studied because they can regenerate literally any body part.
The word axolotl is derived from the Nahuatl language. I find this fascinating because it’s the perfect example of people arguing about how to say the word “axolotl.” Most people say “AK-suh-laa-tul.” But that’s not actually how you pronounce the word if you’re saying it like a native. It’s supposed to be more or less pronounced “ah-sho-lote.”
The Nahuatl language considers the “tl” as an odd single sound that’s not comfortable for English speakers. Much like any polysyllabic word for that matter – such as “compassion.”
As for me, I’m not concerned with pronunciation. It’s just another branch of the pointless navel-gazing about language that frustrates me. Language is not static, everyone has their own set of rules about spelling and pronunciation, and it’s idiotic to me to worry needlessly about it. I LOVE it when people mispronounce words, especially when it results in the purists shrieking and running from the room with their armpit hair on fire.
More often than not, the grammar police and purists are wrong anyway.
Love, X
.
Work Humor
This is allegedly funny. I liked my turn of phrase so much that I had to make a dumb video.
Missing Hooligans
On an early Wednesday afternoon not long ago, a couple of miscreants disguised as wannabe drug dealers arrived at the apartment complex. They were vainly searching for one of the hooligans who previously lived below me. They banged on doors and even turned a couple of doorknobs. Their intentions were murderous. I miss the neighbors who once lived below me. Definitely Crystal Methodists and possessing an abnormal interest in homemade chemistry. Not to mention the drug dealer who lived next to me. It’s easier to write crime stories when you can make popcorn and watch it unfold in real-time. Whatever happened to the good old days when drug dealers demanded some sort of decorum? 🙂 One of the duo shouted and threatened me from the parking lot after banging a second time on my door. He promised he would return to give me an ass-kicking. I’m feeling lonely without him darkening my doorway as promised. I had a very creative surprise waiting for him. It might have even made the nightly news. The mugshot would have been glorious! Since the landlords asked me to do so, I uploaded security video of the gentlemen to the police. It was VERY tempting to add clown shoes and hats to the footage. Yes, I am sure that they are actually dangerous. (Not to books, critical thinking, polysyllabic words, or civilized behavior.) I try to remember that even people so devoid of decency have mothers. Mustachioed moms, I’m certain, the kind whose upper lips look like boiled caterpillars. If I sound carefree in my attitude, it’s due to my broken sense of danger. You can thank my Dad for a big part of that. But the reality is that danger blossoms anywhere – and at any time. The allegedly normal-looking folks tend to be as volatile as those whose appearance can best be described as “the before picture.” The ass-kicker didn’t return to my apartment complex. I’m working through the angst of missing his delightful presence. One of the surprises I had waiting was to add the music to “I Believe I Can Fly” to the footage that would have resulted. There are advantages to living on the second floor. His flight off my landing would be short, and without an in-flight meal.
PS I threw the paint can away, the best part of my pre-arranged surprise had either of the hooligans returned.
X
4 a.m. Pranks
Photographic evidence of tomfoolery. My neighbors, congregated in a late-night, early-morning ongoing celebration… I hope to see or hear the effects of someone coming out and getting entangled in a 6-in wide band of clear tape as they step out onto the dark landing. If I get shot, I had a good life.
Love, X
.
Thanks, Gomez!
I saw him coming up the trail access. The shadows and lighting at 2 a.m. were murky at best. His approach seemed suspicious. I’m not generally concerned about the what-ifs of such people. Someone can just as easily jump onto me from the tree canopy if they’d like. (At times, I almost wish someone would. What a story that would be.) I can run fast, and my appearance tricks people into thinking I’m Gomer. While I am no Bruce Lee, I can snatch someone bald-headed faster than they can say “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” I say “hello” or wave to everyone. I’d probably wave “howdy” to the Queen if she came sightseeing.
It had to be a man approaching me or perhaps the Beauty Queen of Madison County. I realize that I am repeating myself with that comparison. My apologies to the residents of Madison County, all of whom stopped reading after the first paragraph due to lip fatigue.
As he grew closer, the light from the streetlight illuminated him more. He had one hand in his pocket, and his pace seemed off.
As he came closer, my comedic instincts took over. “Have you seen my pet llama? He got out of the backyard a few minutes ago.”
“What’s that you said? A llama?” He pronounced it oddly, like he’d grown up learning phonetics from an inebriated bingo caller.
“A llama, yes. He got out.”
He stopped in his tracks, confused. “No. Not even a dog.”
“Dang. Thanks. I can’t own dogs, though. Not after Ohio.”
I could see that the gears weren’t clicking. It was too much odd conversation. He looked back and then at me two or three times.
“Well, have a good morning. I hope my llama is okay.”
“Yeah, me too,” he said, and kept walking, this time with a stable pace. I briefly wondered what he might do if I started running toward HIM. Imagine that police report.
“Gomez, where are you?” I half-shouted, even if the residents are the nearby apartment complex heard me.
My llama Gomez didn’t materialize.
You’re welcome to use the Gomez the Llama self-defense response if you’d like.
X
.
Really Dumb Meme One-Off
I warned you!
Anger’s Wit
Sometimes, the insult demon cannot be contained.
Someone ran into me and I did what I always do: I said, “Sorry.”
He snapped back something angry.
I politely replied, “We all mistakes. Have a good one.”
I foolishly thought that was the end of it. I did everything right.
The universe had other plans. It was obvious he needed to infect someone else with his anger at the world.
“Well, you look like you make an awful lot of mistakes.” He said it was that particular kind of verbal venom that characterizes someone consumed by an unhappy life.
Even while I recognized this, my quick wit overpowered me, and these words came out: “Me and your mom, evidently.”
The even angrier words he followed up with bounced off my back as I walked away.
X
P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 