Category Archives: Personal

Safety

The overgrown and unmaintained trail back in here is beautiful. Of course, I have to be careful walking barefoot. Or I’m supposed to be. I saw and heard 29 different kinds of birds. None new on this walk. 

The idea of safety followed me among the trees, the brush, and the birds.  I don’t need to remind you of my past to echo the stupidity of safety. A glance down at a phone, an unstable artery inside your brain, and even airplanes falling can precipitate an unexpected demise despite a life perfectly lived.

Because of a purported leader we allegedly chose, now we have to be concerned that anyone can be kidnapped under the color of unidentified law and taken to a foreign prison. Our country is supposed to be founded on justice for all. Yet, we collectively look away as people who followed all the rules get snatched from their jobs and family. 

It can’t happen to anyone I know, or so people think. An injustice permitted upon one is an injury to all of us if we’re decent people. When there are no clear lines, there will always be people who take advantage and do wrong.

The Golden Rule stipulates that we should do unto others as we would have done to us. That alone should serve as a warning who go one step too far and harm other people. 

I’ll listen to the birds and enjoy the beautiful weather because that’s the only option I have. To ponder the potential of our current state of affairs too long can only lead to anger and frustration.

We once believed we were better than all of this. We’re not.

X

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Inopportune (A Song)

You enter a small, intimate club. A piano, backlit by a soft light, is on the small stage up front. A microphone stand is to the right of the piano. The singer is due to come to the stage at any moment. You sit facing the stage. To your left is your husband, who looks across at you nervously. He admires you and your dress, then smiles.

A brightly-dressed woman with hair wrapped like days of old enters the stage from the left. She sits at the piano, adjusts the hem of her mid-thigh dress, and nods. The audience lights go dim.

Your husband abruptly stands, bows slightly toward you, and then makes his way through the onlookers.

As he climbs the five steps up to the stage, you realize he’s conjured a surprise. Long past are the days when such surprise once ruled your lives. Unbeknownst to you, that drives his nervous legs onto the stage.

He turns briefly to the pianist, who smiles, nods, and places her hands above the piano keys. His right hand cradles the old microphone as his left grips the stand below.

“I know we’ve lost a touch of magic over the years. I miss the connection we once took for granted. I still see the same bright, beautiful woman I met all those years ago. This song is for you, hoping you want to rekindle the flame that needs fragile attention.”

And the music begins to play…
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Inopportune

[Verse 1]
swallowed desire doesn’t nourish a soul
lasting long enough, it takes its toll
like standing at a banquet admiring the food
wondering why no one hands you a spoon

[Pre-Chorus]
beauty gives confidence; therein lies a truth
but it also lies to those who perceive it
any fool will throw away the pan
if they can’t find the gold

[Chorus]
we don’t live in a theory or in our heads
the same beauty you relish is a pain to behold
you might as well be standing on the moon
seeing but not experiencing is inopportune

[Verse 2]
if it’s all take and no give, what’s the point
you might as well be looking at a painting
behind an impenetrable blindfold
keeping your secret desires untold

[Pre-Chorus]
we want admiration, desire, and passion
without it, we might as well dine on air
it isn’t enough to be standing and staring
a cyclone of needless despairing

(chorus)
we don’t live in a theory or in our heads
the same beauty you relish is a pain to behold
you might as well be standing on the moon
seeing but not experiencing is inopportune

[Outro]
food for the eyes is food for the soul
the primal beat of our human hearts

Red Moon Eclipse

Because I’m up early enough every morning, I went outside to enjoy the beautiful weather at 1:00 a.m. and to watch the red blood moon eclipse. As with so many things, it doesn’t matter whether I post a beautiful well-defined picture or a careless one. I took pictures when the moon was crimson, but oddly prefer the crescent-lit luminescent bites of the Moon. You can find beautiful red shots of the moon in other places. All of them will render second hand experiences if you weren’t up and outside to witness it

Pictures have meaning when they are anchored to first-hand experiences. To stand outside barefoot close to the Ides of March, looking up to the sky in the dead of the morning was special. But it’s like trying to explain the color blue to someone without vision. It was my stolen moment and I’m sorry you weren’t there to witness it.

X
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Hate

Earlier today, someone shouted an old Spanish nickname of mine. It was an odd place to hear an old nickname. I remembered him immediately because he had the same smile, although it was hidden behind twenty additional years of hard-earned wrinkles. I will call him Sonrisa.

He told me he works with my old friend Carlos. After joking about the unlikelihood of Carlos working much and sharing a laugh, Sonrisa told me that Carlos was giving up on getting the citizenship that he had been promised for years. Both Carlos and Sonrisa are incredibly hard workers. Sonrisa told me a version of the same story I’ve been hearing repeatedly over the last few months: most of their cohort has given up on the United States being the promised land it once was. 

They’ll probably return to El Salvador. It will be a loss for everyone. Not only are they hard workers, but they’re funny even in English. 

They didn’t used to be prone to cynicism. Sonrisa remembered that I was one of the few gringos who actively stood out in the crowd in recognition of the contribution of Latinos. 

He wasn’t surprised when I told him that there was not much hope in sight to feel respected as long as the current crowd of political idiots get their way. 

I’m paraphrasing, but Sonrisa added, “You know he’s an idiot when he starts a fight with a friendly white country like Canada. I know if we go back to El Salvador we’ll experience similar authoritarian BS like we do here. But at least it won’t be based on prejudice.” He added, “I remember years ago when you said it was better for people to curse you directly to your face because then at least you knew who they were. We had a few great years here where the racists mostly kept to theirselves. We always knew it was there. But now? He gave them permission and gasoline to act openly.”

There’s no need to explain what people mean when they use the word ‘HE.”

I waved goodbye to Sonrisa and asked him to tell Carlos hello for me.

I silently hoped that 47 and the people who support him don’t get their way. But on the other hand, as always, a little part of me also hoped that they would continue to f*** around and find out.

Not only about the absence of a sufficient workforce to prop up our economy, but also the unavoidable consequences of believing that you can denigrate one group of people without harming the respect threshold for everyone else 

Hate breeds hate, and distrust contaminates everyone. 

There is no “them.” They are us and vice versa. You’ve simply avoided being targeted. Yet. 

Authoritarians and those who believe they have the right of superiority are never content. Fear-mongering is an appetite that never lessens.

X

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JD And DJ Rage

The lady listening to JD and DJ give a master class on narcissist idiocy accidentally gave the world a recap of what the people in the room were witnessing.

Watching the videos of JD and DJ attacking Zelensky made me embarrassed and infuriated.  There’s a reason such behavior shocks. Presidents do not behave that way. Raging alcoholics might. Narcissists definitely do, but usually in private. 

How anyone versed in history or politics could see this behavior as anything other than a huge red flag baffles me.

It’s not strength. It’s toxicity. 

People who demonstrate this type of behavior have no place in politics or government. 

JD was already pissed off because the special sofa he asked for was not made available for the meeting. 

DJ oozes the type of demeanor and behavior that defines him. 

Our previous allies were already on a razor’s edge about the mountain of incredible things that have come out of the mouths of our administration. 

Because I follow a lot of international news, I can tell you that while the United States might be feared, this is the equivalent of waiving a gun around in a room. Our previous allies are no longer looking at Trump as a buffoonish distraction. They understand that he is leading our country toward something unrecognizable and as a threat to world stability.

X

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Mannequin Ursula

I think Erika might have heard me joke one too many times about getting a mannequin for pranks. 

This one arrived with only one instruction included: Do NOT burn incense near this mannequin after 8: 34 p.m. There were some odd Chinese symbols of knives, fire, and amputation with the admonition regarding incense. I’m sure it’s nothing.

I dressed Ursula and then used my fabulous wig to top off the ensemble. 

In other news, this damn thing has startled me more than once already. Adding the knife to the right hand will be a nice addition on extermination day or in the unlikely event someone is stupid enough to break into my apartment. 

My cat Güino has already indicated Ursula is a better conversationalist than me. 

PS The prank possibilities with this mannequin are infinite! 

X

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Blowhard

Everyone’s had that experience at a party or social gathering. One guy, and it’s almost always a guy with too many opinions, (not to mention an endless supply of drinks)  is a domineering a******. You don’t want to be directly rude to the host and tell them why you’re ducking out early or on the invitation itself. 

Social media in many ways is similar. Each person gets to gatekeep not only their content, but those who participate as well. It reminds me of attending a party with that one guy who is so negative he might as well be half of a battery terminal. This dude rarely sees himself as negative. 

Increasingly, I realize that I’m hitting block a lot more quickly. Not because of disagreements, but because I wouldn’t want that person in my conversation, much less in my living room. 

One of my social media friends, one whose opinion I respect, always had a couple of blowhards who didn’t understand the concept of volume, frequency, or disagreeableness. Although it’s unfair, I name those people Mike when I run across them. 

I recently learned that one of my friend’s biggest blowhards passed away. I will admit that I initially felt relief upon hearing about it. That doesn’t paint me in the best light – but it’s true. A debilitating case of carpal tunnel would have been enough. 

Repeating what I said before, it’s not about disagreements. Rather, it’s about disagreeableness. 

As for people insulting me, if it’s creative, I don’t care what their motive is. I love being snarked and insult-burned if it’s done with finesse and intelligence. This is in part true because I steal the good ideas. 

It’s very difficult for me to get insulted if the insult comes from people I don’t know or whose opinion I don’t respect. 

X

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This Place (A New Song)

This Place
I threw down the manual and kicked over my chair
one more set of numbers might murder my will to live
ain’t got another damned day to give

this place
this place
never had any grace

every second measured, each move under evaluation
human life reduced to numbers to the left of zero
ain’t got another damned hour to give

this place
this place
never had any grace

each morning takes a little corner of my mind
listening to contradictory and meaningless instruction
ain’t got another damned minute to give

this place
this place
never had any grace

if I don’t break free and surrender from this place
even the idea of me might dry up and blow away
might not have another damned second to live

this place
this place
never had any grace

(screams)
I’m out of here!

Blessed Be The Fruit

Blessed Be The Fruit

People are discussing the complexity of the human capacity for collective evil. Whether one section of the population likes to acknowledge it or not, Germany’s example constantly pops up.

How can so many people stand by and watch the country descend into madness?

The best way to visualize this capacity is to watch the movie The Stanford Experiment. If you’re even slightly interested in the psychology of collective misbehavior, this is the easiest shortcut to benchmark how things go astray so deeply, even with intelligent and otherwise kind people.

The same effect applies to police, the military, or even people making decisions in business.

Anyone who’s never experienced the environment of a production line might not understand it. Each employee is present to earn a living and mostly do a good job. Those who own the production line want to profit while providing a living for those who work there. An interesting thing often happens, especially in poultry and similar industries.

The need for profit puts those in charge of the environment, the efficiency, and the speed of the production line often blurs the line of humanity by increasing the demands on those working it. It becomes hard to perform the job safely over time. People suffer the indignity of sometimes being able to exit the line long enough to take care of their basic bodily needs. For some, it becomes easier to dehumanize those who perform the jobs in order to be profitable and efficient.

The above can’t be explained to someone who hasn’t experienced it.

The same effect applies throughout our society. We justify less than a living wage, even though we know these jobs are necessary and that our collective decision to fail to pay sufficiently to live even a basic life is causing misery. All of this is based on economic concerns rather than the primary focus of human happiness and dignity. It is a them problem rather than an us problem.

We don’t provide universal health insurance, even though doing so would cost less than our current system. But this does not stop us from passively watching as millions of people suffer from a lack of health care or go bankrupt.

We put on our hats of authority and often forget the results of callousness. It’s our job, we think. Society apparently wants it to be that way, or we would have intervened to change it. We make decisions without consideration for how they impact people, or we are put in a position to be powerless to change things.

We marginalize certain groups. Over time, this gives us a silent yet undeniable tendency to view others as lesser. This justifies our collective behavior that often results in denigration or harm to the people in those groups.

My upbringing gave me an unholy understanding of the possibility of violence inside people. Even the pious in my family found ways to justify turning a blind eye toward what can only be called evil. Family who could observe a child being hurt and find ways in their minds, especially based on the societal norms around them, to fail to act to protect them, were they evil? Or were they just the product of their environment? Several of them held dear their holy books – and did not react well when I grew up and became confrontational about the disparity between their alleged message of love and kindness. That message had justified their deliberate choice to do nothing.

People in history are no different from us, even if we want to think they were. This gives us a pass and carte blanche to continue to behave inhumanely, even if we are technically just doing our job or fulfilling our role as citizens.

Love, X