He left one day, never to return. I kissed him goodbye, not knowing it would be the last time I would do so. Each morning since, I walk outside to observe the beauty of the morning in the place we once shared. The sunrise fills my eyes but falls short of my heart.
I feel him around me. His presence follows me through the house, his shadow beckons me in the half-asleep moments of the pre-dawn early morning.
I whisper his name. Sometimes, I hear him whisper mine.
I feel his embrace, even now, so many months later.
Absence. Presence. Through love’s filter, they are indistinguishable.
The apricot sun brings him to me.
Love remembered is love born anew, I tell myself.
But I crave the hands that once delivered me into the abyss.
For now, I will stand here and love the apricot sun.
Because of blogging, I’ve been exposed to people who know me only through my writing. One of them wrote me and asked if I could do a sample reply for an advice blog. Being me, incapable of writer’s block, I wrote back: “I can write five so you can pick and choose.” Answer: “Ha, well, I would like it in a week, if you could.” Me: “A week? My imperfectionism stipulates I’ll have them done in a day.”
I fired them off. Two were serious and three were humorous and also addressed the topics. The blogger wrote back: “Crap! I liked them all. The funny ones made me laugh and think. What do you do for a living?” Me: “I carry around hospital supplies. I write because I don’t know how NOT to.” Answer: “The one about being ridiculously honest? That one should be a TikTok. So over-the-top, but true. I spit my coffee a little reading it. It’s good.”
So, humble-bragging aside, my first piece of advice? DON’T let me write an advice column. All of y’all will be wearing clown shoes and dating known felons before the week is out. Some of you already are. You must be. You’re reading what I write.
(This is another inspired story, from a stolen picture…)
She’d been gone five long years. Jane. To think her name caused John’s head to pulse with remembrance.
John stood at the low curb, looking up at the tree. Jane’s father Jack planted it when her parents owned the suburban house. Jane shyly let John kiss her for the first time under that tree, one Thanksgiving afternoon. There were many more such moments, each melting into the next.
A month before their wedding, her parents told them, “The house is yours. Fill it with love and children, if that’s what you want.”
They moved in three days after their simple wedding. Every fall, John jokingly complained about the mountain of leaves that the vibrant tree produced. Jane laughed like she always did, knowing that he’d faithfully rake and mulch the crimson leaves. Eventually. Often, they were still piled dutifully, awaiting John’s attention, by the time Thanksgiving graced the calendar.
After the diagnosis, John went outside each night to stand under the tree and imagine how it must feel to spend one’s entire life without fearing the next day. Or whatever day would bring finality to the love of his life.
Five years later, he stood with his hand on his daughter Jenny’s shoulder, pointing up at the polychromatic leaves. “Your mother loved this tree, Jenny, like she loved you. When the leaves fall, it’s your mom telling you that everything has its season.”
Jenny looked at the tree, then at John. “Oh Daddy, you’re so cute!”
Jane. Beloved.
May every crimson leave bear your name. . . Happy Thanksgiving, especially to those with a heavy heart or a burdened mind. . Love, X
I stole a picture from someone because it struck a chord in me. In a minute, I wrote down what flowed out of me:
She sat on the pole fence, swinging her legs, laughing.
I watched her, trying to resist taking a picture. I sensed that the moment was fragmentary and fleeting. Her green dress amplified the natural color of the overcast beauty around her. Because my eyes were attuned to notice, I looked at her with wonder.
She said, “Hey, watch!” And she hopped from the fence and ran to jump into the air, vainly attempting to reach the highlighted branches just beyond her reach.
She twirled around to see if I’d been watching.
I had, of course. How could I not?
She twirled around twice more, her hair billowing out and away from her shoulders.
“Come here and dance with me under this magical tree,” she yelled.
The day was perfect. That moment. That place. And her.
“I wrote a few children’s books. Not on purpose.”Steven Wright * “Writing is a socially acceptable form of getting naked in public.”
Paulo Coelho (one of my favorite quotes…)
*
There’s no question I’m a writer. I’m not a paid writer; at least not much, I should say. I don’t monetize my blog, despite sometimes getting a lot of traffic. People drive by train wrecks, so attention isn’t always to one’s benefit.
Whether I’m a good writer is in the eye of the beholder.
More specifically, even Stephen King or Pat Conroy have detractors. Some people like steak with ketchup, others prefer theirs rare and bleeding.
“The road to hell is paved with adverbs.” – Stephen King
Someone recently critiqued me, saying that I am the Thomas Kincade of writing. They didn’t mean it as a compliment. (Kinkade died from alcohol and valium when he was 54.)
I took it as a compliment in the sense that he found a way to live while doing what he loved. The rest of his life wasn’t so golden. For some, his work was seen as overly sentimental or garish.
After I wrote this, someone asked me to add, “You’re the Earnest Hemingway of bullsh*t.”
I love writing, even as I bedevil people with my imperfections and shotgun-style of sentimentality and offbeat humor.
I know it’s not for everyone. Nothing is.
If you hate the way I write, I rarely take it personally.
There is a magic, though, in knowing that anyone is hearing my words in their head as they read. For a moment, I’m connecting directly to another person.
This is one of the strongest powers of writing, the internet, and social media.
As technology advances and reading for pleasure declines, connections to other people always have value.
I hate that a lot of people are nervous about writing or worrying about their command of the impossible rules of English. Writing is communication, not perfection.
When I’m in the zone and writing, time and loneliness dissipate. * P.S. “If you can’t annoy somebody, there’s little point in writing.” ‒ Kingsley Amis
“The internet does NOT make people stupider. It gives the stupider people more reach. And you’re one of them, X.”
Hmmm…
I think this person doesn’t like my writing.
I wonder why they keep reading?
On the same day the above fan wrote to me, another friend reached out to tell me how much I’ve been on her mind, and how much she appreciates reading the wide range of things I share. I was touched. As with so many others, I had no idea she read much of my meanderings.
To my friend who reached out, thank you. Kind words are like sunshine on a cool October morning.
PS For those who reached out privately and shared their stories in response to my post “Addiction Road,” thank you. I knew I wasn’t going to get a lot of direct engagement. Those affected by addiction often can’t find a way to succinctly bare their souls. But I can say it is liberating to yield. It’s the only way for most of our problems and mental health. We all share the same humanity, whether it is beautiful moments or debilitating pain.
His name was Mister Margaret. Everyone called him that. He was around sixty, the indeterminate kind of sixty, and in fantastic shape. He walked around town often. How he stayed in shape was a mystery. He never wore a hat and also was never quite clean-shaven. You could tell he was observant. No matter where his head was turned, you could see that his eyes followed everything.
Away from prying ears, people speculated how the name came to be his. Not me. I had been initially curious, that’s true. Unlike my fellow townspeople, though, I just asked Mister Margaret one early morning. I’ve learned that life is too short to avoid a momentary bit of possible awkwardness. He was outside the diner, sitting on the uncomfortable curb along the street, holding a coffee cup. I learned that if it wasn’t raining, he always took his third cup of coffee outside to drink it. “Ain’t no reason to be indoors all the time. I want to see the world, and I imagine the world might want to see me a bit, too,” he’d told Joshua, the diner owner.
I sat down a few feet away from Mister Margaret, awkwardly folding my legs against the pavement. I wasn’t as fit as him, and my knees and hips reminded me to do everything with caution.
“Can I ask you a question, Mister Margaret? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. How’d you get the name?” I smiled, hoping he would forgive my directness.
He laughed. “Yeah, I’ll tell you. I know people want to know. I hear whispers. And because it is a terrible story, one you probably can’t guess, you can’t regret knowing. That’s what knowledge does to us. It opens us and we can’t go back once we know something.” He paused. I nodded. As if we’d shaken hands and swore an oath, Mister Margaret started talking.
…
“My wife died about a year earlier. I had a great business along Main Street in my hometown. I killed a young woman one Saturday afternoon.” He paused, knowing that he’d thrown me a curveball. “She ran across the street without looking. I hit her, going forty-five miles an hour. The impact broke her all over and flung her body further than you’d believe. After the County Sheriff ruled it to be an accident, a lot of the girl’s family got anger and grief mixed up in their hearts. A month after I killed her, I walked out of the grocery store to find myself facing her father, a man everyone called Mister. He had a knife and told me he was going to kill me. I didn’t doubt him. He lunged at me in front of several witnesses. I sidestepped him and hit him in the side of the head as hard as I could. Two things, though. I didn’t really sidestep him as much I thought. He stuck that knife five inches up into my belly. I struck him so hard he fell. His head hit one of those concrete carstops in front of the store. He never woke up. His daughter’s name? Margaret. After three weeks in the hospital, I got discharged, and I sold everything I had and moved here for a fresh start. It seemed right to take both of their names as a reminder. You can look it up, if you’re inclined to do so. And that’s the story of my name.”
He looked at me intensely, waiting to see what I might say.
“It’s a good thing you didn’t run over someone named Turd,” I said. I was a bit horrified I’d said the words out loud. I was trying to be funny.
To my surprise, Mister Margaret began to laugh like I’d told the best joke in the world. He threw his head back, and he began to shake and cough with laughter. Tears streamed down his face, and I grinned as I watched.
“I haven’t laughed like that in ten years!” he said. “I guess that means we’re going to be friends. By the way, friend, what is your name? It better not be Asshat.”
We both laughed. We finished our respective cups of coffee, watching the town around us.
I have a confession to make, which will prove how dumb I am. I didn’t know until today that you WRITE on your blog. Months ago, I clicked on your gravatar and didn’t see any content. There might not have been when I did. Yesterday, I saw another tab on my WordPress toolbar for followers. I didn’t know I could see the followers, either. Duh. And I didn’t realize that you had a “follow” button when I saw your name on the list.
I clicked it. A little bit ago, I opened my Outlook folder containing all my blog notifications. To my horror, I saw that some of them included notifications that you’d added new content.
To say that I felt stupid is an understatement.
You’ve been a constant reader of my lunacy. The volume and length of what I write wear most casual readers out. I joke that if they’re reading my posts, they can honestly say, “Yes, I do a lot of reading,” without feeling as if they are lying. If hand-writing were still a thing, I’d have to buy ink by the gallon. I’d write ink instead of pencil because I loathe perfectionism. (And often even second drafts, much to my cousin’s horror. 🙂 )
And given my propensity to tell people to write (and share) their stories, I’m a dumbass for not seeing you’d posted some.
Regardless of how it happened, somehow, I know my stupidity lies at the bottom of that well of explanation.
I know you’ll write something clever to deflect the apology – and that’s okay. Secretly, though? Yeah, we know I’m a dumbass.
I wrote an intensely personal email. It laid bare some of my recent experiences.
Because I had multiple email addresses in my contacts for the intended recipient, I chose an alternate one. Due to my fumbling fingers, I scrolled the available addresses accidentally and chose an unintended one.
And hit send.
I didn’t realize I had done so for two days, so ‘unsend’ wasn’t a viable option.
Because it was done, I wrote the unintended recipient and explained what I’d done, acknowledging he or she would have undoubtedly have read the email.
A week later, I got a reply. Yes, he or she had. They wished me luck.
After ten seconds of horror, I reminded myself that secrecy was its own problem and then laughed about it.
The story pops into my head sometimes, especially when I’m writing emails.
“But did you die?” is a good response to this story…
P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 