It’s Not The Same At All

“The warmest embrace tends to be self-delusion.” – Me

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I went to a local concert venue last weekend. The crowd booed the guitarist on the stage after he had played just 2 songs. I went up and gave the musician some advice and he resumed playing, much to the delight of the crowd. “What happened?” The sound engineer asked me. “I asked him if he was color blind.” A pause. “How did you know the he was color blind?” the tech asked me. “Because he was playing the light greens instead of the blues.”

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Win or lose: someone will mock you for either result.

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prejudice

I made the picture to carry my words – and carry them nicely, in my opinion.

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Have you ever listened to someone and realize that you literally are witnessing a hiccup in the process of evolution?

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Have you ever listened to someone and realize that you literally are witnessing a hiccup in the process of evolution?

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Multi-Level Marketing Oopsortunities

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For another outlet, I wrote an insightful piece enumerating the warning signs of multi-level marketing “opportunities,” some of which are pyramid schemes. (Of course, they should be called “oopsortunities,” because most people come to realize that they should not have attempted to be a part of the “miracle” of whatever nonsense is being sold.) The only real miracle here is that companies can still devise methods to separate people from their money with such banal marketing techniques.

If a product is such a great deal or does such great things, trust me, it would be marketed for much, much less by the big players in the market. If you are shaking your head “No” to my comments, congratulations, you are one of those gullible people that some MLM companies love to indoctrinate. (Or that certain cults would invite to visit their compound in rural Nebraska, to get to know them, no obligation required.) And, if you are interested, I will be glad to sell you a membership to my new course, “Don’t Be a Dumbass” for $19.95. (Also available via a 12-month payment plan of $13 for 17 months. Or vice versa. Don’t focus on the math, focus on “you get out what you put in,” the most successful stupid way ever stated to place the blame for a bad company or bad product on the salesperson.)

We all have friends who start posting mysteriously worded posts about whatever snake oil they are using to become an instant thousandaire. Usually, it is health or beauty related. You’ve seen the posts: they have more adjectives than a bad poet’s dictionary. They depict calm, interesting scenery, instead of the more accurate hair-on-fire scenes that depict people after they’ve failed at selling this stuff. Most of the time, they spend more time recruiting people than selling. (PS: This is a major warning sign of impending failure.) Also, friends are hard to come by and they will become invisible like Batman if you keep pressuring them to buy or sell things from you. Or angry like the Incredible Hulk if you successfully lure them in.

Incidentally, the easiest way to tell how doubtful a product is begins with googling it. If you can’t find a lot of negative reviews, it might be a nonsense product. If you go to the company’s social media page and all criticism has been scrubbed, it is a warning sign to reconsider whether you should just hide your cash in a cereal box in the pantry. In this sense, the internet troll factor is a bona fide method to determine legitimacy: all products have a set amount of critics on the internet. The absence of criticism is itself a huge red flag, or at least a lightly-tinged yellow one.

So, save us the goofiness about being more healthy, losing weight, living better or having longer toes if we buy your product. If we can’t buy it at Wal-Greens or Wal-Mart, it most likely isn’t a good deal and we apologize if that isn’t obvious to you. As for recruiting me to sell your product, I might change my tune if McDonald’s creates a “Make Your Own Cheeseburger & Fries” just-add-water product.

Obviously, I haven’t mentioned any oopsortunity by name, as I fear that the horde of vengeful naysayers will descend upon me with pitchfork and scythe. There are a few legitimate MLM companies that do good work. Unfortunately for us, it seems like we tend to be subjected to the ones which would be better served with advertising in the late-night TV market of Argentina.

But if the shoe fits, wear it. Or sell me an “amazing” shoe insert that only one company in the world is allowed to sell, due to an “incredible” marketing opportunity. Yes, I am interested in becoming a Tier-16 Pioneer in your business. Sounds legit. Please let me know whether I need to recruit an army of sales zombies for my team or if I can just start printing money on my HP printer.

Merge Now

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Some short bursts of remembrance are best expressed as fleeting tesseracts, eclipsing time and place. Were that such magic possible, even if only as brief glimpses on a dimming Autumn afternoon. Here’s one…

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PSA: After writing dozens of pieces about privacy, I am still perplexed that anyone, anywhere believes that much of their life isn’t an open book written in shouted whispers, for anyone interested, to see. The only thing saving most of us is that we simply aren’t interesting enough to catch the attention of the lunatic fringe. As a clever person once said: “If there is a window, someone is looking through it, watching you.”

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I knew the gym was a great place to practice comedy when I asked the muscle-bound trainer, “Can I get additional spheroid cross-sections on the weight bar?” And he said, “No eating on the equipment.”

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Wife: “You don’t have to eat all that like there’s no tomorrow.”

Me: “If I eat all that, there will be no tomorrow.”

Marriage conversations: like fencing except more dangerous.

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I’m so terrible at investing that I should be arrested for outsider trading.

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With apologies to my normal friends: Churches need to hand out cymbals to members of the congregation. But not for musical accompaniment; instead, people could clang them randomly and thunderously as heads start tilting down as parishioners doze off. Also, a sensor could activate and then start playing “Ride of the Valkyries” at window-shattering volume. Points could be awarded for each scream, tongues bit, dentures hurled involuntarily or people jumping over pews. And we could live stream it, too.

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final7777

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“It’s just a pipe dream,” the teacher told me when I was very young. Turns out, she was right – a sewer pipe.

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I will start my own meteorological tv station. I’ll name it ‘The Whether Channel,’ as I just want to know whether it will rain or not, be hot or cold, etc.

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Tell The Stories Without Edit

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I made this video and wrote this song to replace 1,000+ words I wrote on the idea of how our internal edit button affects the stories we share and tell – and how much of the majesty and hurt of life gets lost in translation when we do. It’s a subject that courses through my mind with frequency. While many will find it macabre, I find it exhilarating that we all possess the power to share and communicate in a way that would be unimaginable to all of our ancestors. (I recommend watching in HD for better clarity… And I think if you listen to the song with headphones, you will find it is strangely relaxing.)

A Few Words About Clint Eastwood

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Recently, one of our cultural icons Clint Eastwood once again said some strange things. He said it from his perspective of the world, as a wealthy, older white male. As a liberal, I just laughed, even as I winced. Clint as a bigot is a lightweight compared to the intrinsic, casual prejudice that was the touchstone of so much of my youth. He would not even draw attention were he to reappear in the places of my upbringing; he would be using training wheels in the geography I once called home. My dad, for example, idolized Clint; he omitted the lofty aspirations of Eastwood’s characters and focused on the indifferent violence. As many of us do with our own idols, my dad cherry picked his perceptions of Clint Eastwood and the characters he portrayed.

I wish Clint were of the same expansive ideology as me. I think that might be the case for most of us as we look out at the world and listen to people who express such an incredible spectrum of thought. We root for those things that make our soul shine and light up our minds with the ‘what if’ in our lives. Hopefully, we can ignore those things that irritate us. (My best examples are those of Mother Teresa, Gandhi, or Martin Luther King.  These figures did or believed some truly crazy things, most of which are overlooked or rarely mentioned – and certainly not taught about in school. Don’t’ twist my words here: they dedicated themselves to achieve some lofty things – but they did so as imperfect human beings.)

Eastwood earned his place as an icon. His good looks and charisma carried him far. His ability to make, write, or direct movies encompassing the breadth of what we aspire to and share in common is uncanny. I find it hard to imagine a critic so harsh as to attempt to discount the contribution that Clint Eastwood has made to our society.

I have a large painting of Clint Eastwood in my living room. A great local artist painted it for me. It’s not there because I idolize him or appreciate his politics. I fundamentally disagree with the spirit of his recent comments. When I look at that painting, I can easily recall the best of the attributes of the characters he brought to life – without focusing on the things that would make him lesser. Clint connects me to an imaginary safe place in my past. He would be the equivalent to Superman or Captain America, had I been a fan of comic books. The painting doesn’t represent the ‘real’ Clint at all. It’s a reminder of the things we identify with.

If I were to eliminate all the people and places that carry a hint of bigotry, misogyny, or exclusion, the hallways of my memories would be only inhabited by a few solitary and forlorn ghosts. Take a moment and inventory your friends and family. I’m certain that several of them differ from you so drastically in thought that it is a miracle you co-exist at all, much less have strong relationships that you cherish.

Each of us has at least one person, I think, who makes us wonder what in the world was so wrong with the world that someone could come out of it so fundamentally misguided about race, justice, or privilege. Even as we love them, we wonder.

The surprise of our relationships is that we can overlook racism and prejudice in some cases. We can laugh, cry, and embrace people who represent the antithesis of what we ourselves find value in.

Clint Eastwood is an example of someone who has worked hard to express himself and share it with us. Unfortunately, some of it is ridiculous nonsense. Luckily for us, however, some of it is not. Even as we shake our heads in bewilderment that one of our icons can think like someone from the early 19th century, we must continue to figure out a means to separate what we find valuable from that which we find objectionable. Clint is the embodiment of many of our family, friends, and acquaintances.

Many believe as Clint does. I don’t. Clint is akin to one of my grandparents, someone who I hold close to my heart, all the while knowing that his ideas aren’t defensible or a part of my identity. I would never defend those ideas for which he is drawing the wrong kind of attention.

Perhaps nothing I’ve said here will resonate. Or worse, that I’ve once again communicated so badly that I’ve conveyed the opposite message from that which was intended.

It’s okay to laugh at Archie Bunker, if only because we know he embodies the thoughts of many with whom we share the world. It is okay to love some parts of Clint Eastwood’s films, even as he uses his intelligence to express ideas that are wrong to us. He’s our grandpa, sitting on our collective porch, yelling at those who pass by. His time will come and go, just like the rest of us. We can only learn from one another and choose the best parts to carry forward. Clint has given us some incredible memories, too. Let’s focus on those, if we can.

A Song/Message of Obama Discussing Trump

 

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Warning: Political opinion. Skip now to protect your sanity!

I made a mp3 song/message, one in which Obama is featured giving remarks on Donald Trump during a press conference on Aug 2nd. I edited it 70 times to remove the ‘umms,’ and silences from his comments. Of course, I disagree with Obama on a few policy issues – but I never question his humanity or sanity. For anyone who questions his legitimacy or intelligence, I can only call into question the impartiality with which such conclusions occurred. (You’ll note in Obama’s comments that he had policy disagreements with McCain & Romney, but believes them to have been worthy of the office had they won.)  To imagine that Trump believes himself to be worthy of the office currently held by Obama is heretical to me. I’m not concerned that Trump will win the election. I’m concerned with the wavering eye with which so many embrace the inhumanity of the words and beliefs he shouts.  Anyone can shout the crazy things they believe. I had many bad examples in my youth that adequately demonstrated bigotry, prejudice and entitlement and the last thing I want is someone like Trump to stand in front of the nation and have a voice of authority.

Trump’s brand of callous impolite anti-intellectualism has been a disservice to the politicians who diligently work to get things done.

To paint all politics as corrupt is to hold a mirror up to your own cynical reflection of the world.

Trump is the sneering villain to Obama’s Batman. It is difficult to comprehend that they both are part of the same political process.

A Wedding Wish For a Friend

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Alissa: I decided to wait a few days to congratulate you and Travis for your recent wedding. It’s not that I expected you to clobber him like Wile E. Coyote with a breakfast skillet already, but there was no point jumping the gun with the applause – and I did keep a close eye on the “Police Beat” section of the paper. 

Even though you chose a gentleman whose name seems better suited to be listed in the annals of Infamous Gunfighters… (Go ahead and say his name three times in rapid succession with a Western drawl and tell me it doesn’t invoke imagery of shots fired at high noon. Although, he would probably suggest stopping for a cold beverage before doing all the shooting.)

If our lives are indeed topographical maps, you and I became acquainted in a deep valley, one filled with ominous, unseen giants growling in the distance. Unlike many, you climbed out in search of more sunrises to populate your life. It’s easy to somberly continue the trodden path of being forlorn and I’m glad you chose to step forward and greet the promise of a renewed life.

(Take it easy on your new husband. You can tell by looking at his shoes that he is going to try your patience.)

You’ve walked through the valley of the shadows and now I hope you and your handsome husband have years of unfettered time together, punctuated by loud, boisterous moments and people who make every second of it worthwhile.

But don’t have all the moments all at once, like you’re running across an expanse of bubble wrap. Space them out, one laugh at a time, one sarcastic eye-roll after another as things surprise you.

One final thing – don’t pray for wealth. Instead, pray for patience. Strong personalities inevitably lead you to want two sets of boxing gloves from time to time. If it comes to that, let me know and I will sell tickets. 🙂

I, like everyone else, hope that you both have a treasure of smiles throughout the years.

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(Alissa is the widow of my deceased cousin Jimmy Terry, who died of cancer in 2013, shortly after marrying Alissa.)

 

Distracted By Life

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Allegedly funny – this picture is a response to, “Where are all your crazy quotes and pictures, X?”

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“A eulogy is applause for the performer after he’s left the stage.”
Some glowing words are best voiced before the bell rings.

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contraception

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jesus

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mucus

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“The truth is that I don’t think a great job exists in which you didn’t know someone to help you get your foot in the door – followed by a push through it.” – X

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If I were an arsonist, I would want the newspapers to call me by the name “Burnt Reynolds.”

(There is already a song named “Burnt Reynolds,” too, believe it or not.)
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Each year, I see otherwise smart people being hooked into the glittery promise of multi-level marketing schemes, especially on social media. Dudes: if your primary focus is recruiting and not selling, it is an unsustainable scam, without exception.
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‘Busy’ and ‘productive’ are almost certainly true antonyms.
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There is something intrinsically untrustworthy about someone who denies that they can’t wait to get home and sit on the couch.

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A Song and Video For Stacy

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I wrote a simple song and made a video for a friend; his struggle with the insurmountable unfairness of one of life’s grayer days prompted me to attempt to balance the scales a very tiny bit.

A Short Description of Something Enigmatic

I wrote this for a particular friend, for reasons I can’t adequately explain…

The omnipresent smell of salty sea air, combined with a whisper of wind blowing from the coast. It reminds you of the first cup of coffee, sitting on the patio table in the early hours of the morning, wisps of steam idly finding its path upward. The youthful day sits before you, beckoning the sun to come out and greet the world. The children still slumber, oblivious, inside. One of your favorite books lies on the table next to your coffee, each page like a neglected friend, waiting to be welcomed again. When you first read that book, you didn’t know that the word eternity meant both the promise of deep love and the forgetful nature of ticking seconds. Those days, you could count on hearing the laugh, feeling the hand touch your shoulder unexpectedly and know that the voice would fill your ears with easy comfort. The jar of your life seemed full – and you saw no need to guess the number of such moments contained therein.

Although you are sitting in an unparalleled world of sights and wonders, all you can see in your mind’s eye is the smile, the one that placed small handfuls of careful warm embers in your heart. How can the world continue without it? You often wondered, hands often clenched in subdued frustration, words trapped in the confines of your throat.

Now, as time slips past, you want to be back in that moment, the one burgeoning with the swell of future moments.

Though the world still daily fills with wondrous magic and its own rewards, you calculate the price to return for even one brief moment to that cup of coffee, the sound of the door slipping open behind you, the voice shattering your internal monologue. You turn your head, the breeze lifting your hair imperceptibly, and you see again, like the man struggling to reach the mirage of water ahead. The smile envelopes you, the memory comforting that staggering void that travels like a stowaway as your constant companion.

Even as you wake, the salt recedes, the sun relents and fades to a shadow, and the laugh reverberates and dwindles. It is a somnambulist’s promise to meet again. A solitary tear, as always, gathers and reluctantly makes it descent down your cheek, only to be absentmindedly brushed aside as the day makes its demands.

Some speculate that our dreams are but a biological effect of our complicated mind purging itself. I would believe it too, except that I for one could easily be lulled into a permanent world of remembered moments, of sunrises and familiar words on a page, of love so intense that it seemed impossible to trust its merit.

Rejoice. It is your day – and you carry every memory of those you hold close to your heart. You are their surrogate, the one left behind to continue the march. One day, if you are lucky, someone will awake with the whisper of your presence in their thoughts and even if for a fleeting moment, wish that your absence were remedied by both love and momentary magic.

 

 

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I posted this to social media. I was overwhelmed by the positive comments I got. It touche a nerve in all who read it, the highest praise for a hack like me.

Love, X