A joke to open this list of craziness:
I think that Mike Pence’s office just trolled me.
The phone rang and I reluctantly answered.
“Is this X Teri?” It was a man’s voice, full of authority.
“Yes, yes it is,” I answered, waiting to hear what was being sold.
“Are you interested in making some money, sir?” He sounded serious.
“Uh… yes, I am. What do I have to do?” I was halfway sold by this point.
“X, ignorance has went up $50 a barrel and we’d like to pay for drilling rights to your head.”
After that, the call went dead. I could swear I heard a faint laugh, though.
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“It’s only natural that we’ll have a super-moon tonight; the electoral college just chose the biggest ass to represent us.” – X
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Julia, my mother-in-law, had hair that was in such a bad shape that when she accidentally got lost in the dog show, her hair won “Best in Poodle.”
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They asked me to be nice and to turn down the snark. Evidently, they now believe in “TURN-THE-OTHER-TONGUE-IN-CHEEK.”
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“If you listen closely to people, you’ll have a headache.” – X
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It’s strange that we went from fact-checking to ad-libbing to now decrying that every opinion is equally valid.
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There are some who say the election was basically Ford Vs. Chevy, which is bizarre to me. I’ve never seen a Ford that insisted on electroshock therapy to take the gay away or one which refuses to start if you’re Muslim.
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Imagine if American Indians had passed better Immigration Laws, especially in regards to orange people. – X
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Regarding Roundabouts: Only in America will people complain that driving in a circle is too hard – and then do everything to prove it.
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I tried to get excited about high school football because I misunderstood the altitude adjective to mean something entirely different.
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The Durden Potts Rule: word diarrhea rarely amplifies the point or improves the reputation of the person making it.
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While I am generalizing, I’ve noticed that most people who blame racism on the media also tend to be the same subset of people who are likely racist.
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The guy who posted it said he wasn’t being racist – but he insisted the Obama Presidency should be called “The Dark Age.” He literally is blind to the fact of how it sounds. But evidently not colorblind.
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According to Stan Lee, there is 20% chance that Trump is merely a super villain, trying to coax out Superman.
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For the 10 people in the United States who watch “Poldark” on PBS, it’s weird how in the UK Ross raped Elizabeth in the book and in the TV show, but it was completely removed for the U.S. edition. I was certain that the Trump candidacy removed that sort of consideration from our collective conscience.
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Now, instead, we must follow the Golden Drool.
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Apparently, this country is suddenly so white that even Team Edward thinks we’re all vampires. Weirdly, though, it’s eggshell white, because a lot of people are walking on them the last few days.
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Make no mistake, to get where you are right now, you had to shut an infinite number of doors, each an unchosen or rejected possibility.
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The pastor is so hateful toward liberals he wouldn’t even allow a donkey in the nativity scene.
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Many pundits speculate that Trump appealed to some because the dummies were tired of being made fun on. Maybe if they didn’t spend recess sewing Confederate flags, they wouldn’t get ridiculed. Does this comment help any?
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I am going to miss being able to buy black licorice.
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I’m starting a chain of addiction centers for masochists: they are MisTreatment Centers.
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We need a huge wall built, that’s true. Just not for the reasons the Trumpettes think. I’m hoping a town on the Mexican side re-names their town “New Berlin,” for the historical impact, later, when the wall of course comes down.
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The election was a type of Heavenly GPS – because a lot of people gave me directions on how to go directly to Hell.
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My wife and I were speeding past concrete lane blockers on the interstate. “I don’t like this wall,” my wife nervously commented. “Imagine how the Latinos feel, honey,” I replied.
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“People are always talking about ‘in the eyes of god,’ as if anyone should be so arrogant as to claim to know anything, much less what god wants or doesn’t want. Great people violently disagree about what god is saying.” -The Old Man Chronicles
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On a friend’s FB wall recently, she posted about peace and civility. Every single person on her page commenting was someone I had unfriended at least once for being the exact opposite of a good human being. I had to laugh. Being an outsider grants perspective that dogma doesn’t.
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Are you in the house of god or is the house of god in you?
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As for excusing away social injustice: It ain’t called “whitewash” for no reason.
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There’s nothing like sports analogies to remind people that even if you get the most points, somehow you not only lose, you get kicked off the team and deported.
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“My ignorance has just as much right to be here as your knowledge.” -overheard 67 times this week – at least that’s what Google Translate told me when I pasted the ignorance others wrote, for clarification. It kept switching the preferred language from “English” to “Trump,” though.
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“Religion? It could be the best thing in the world! For too many, though, it’s just a word to let them judge you and tell you what to do. Religion lets you reach a conclusion without having to work for it. If you have a religious idea which allows you to treat someone in a way you wouldn’t want for yourself, that’s delusion, not religion.” –The Old Man Chronicles
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“You Are Not Stuck In Traffic. You Are Traffic” It’s a cool way to say you are part of the problem, no matter how much you deny it. I think the same goes for those people who complain about the state of the current political process. They don’t even see that they are the ones driving, banging on the steering wheel, wondering why so many people are frozen in front of them.
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Trump inauguration song lyric: “Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1959.”
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I knew that church wasn’t for me when I noticed a skull and crossbones above the door.
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Trump was asked what was his favorite golden oldies song is. Without hesitation he replied, “(David) Duke of Earl.”
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New Education Slogan: A nation doing long division cannot stand.
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Weirdly enough, the Election Commission invited Trump’s team to help count votes. They quit after 15 minutes, however, because they ran out of available fingers to do the tabulation.
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So many complain on social media about participation trophies instead of clear winners and losers. Yet, that is exactly what Donald Trump got on election night. He came in second but got the trophy anyway , all because the United States used to believe that slavery and owning other people was a really neat idea.
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“You can spend your life arguing about what your book means. But be humble, nice, compassionate, love as many people as you can. Doing life that way will get you further than all the ‘things you are sure of’ will ever get you. You can’t be a great person by focusing on being right. ” –The Old Man Chronicles
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Isn’t it strange that a residual effect of slavery (the Electoral College) took the election from the majority who wanted to carry on the legacy of the first black president by electing the first woman?
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Trump has a lot in common with immigrants. He’s going to be our (p)resident alien.
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The term ‘casual homophobia,’ much like the term ‘business casual,’ is code for ‘no one can be comfortable.’
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I wonder how it would have went if Hillary Clinton had captured the illustrious KKK endorsement.
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Why is it that we can watch movies like “Next of Kin” wherein a dead person’s family will avenge a death at any cost, including driving a thousand miles, walking through Kentucky swamps, and breaking every law on the books, but somehow we don’t see the connection when we are dropping bombs overseas.
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Of all my social media friends, most people complaining about peaceful protests after the election are white folks. And most of them were horrified of Obama in 2009. Of course most of them aren’t racists. Enough are, however, to risk getting painted with the same brush.
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On someone’s post, I wrote: “White people tend to worry about broken windows. Minorities tend to worry about broken heads.” It was wildly unpopular with the average Trump voter.
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For everyone in Springdale or NWA who ‘likes’ the “Live Springdale” page, many of you don’t know that the page is operated by an ultra-conservative who endorses only the right-wing candidates and ideas. It’s his page, of course, but it is certainly not something he advertises. It’ll save you some forehead-slapping if you recognize this now.
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According to many, god once commanded us to treat people of other colors as inferior. It is an easy thing to return to such nonsense – especially when the people around you are endorsing it.
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Dear Mr. Grandma: That’s how I started my congratulations letter to Trump.
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If the spurs jangle, then you are wearing boots.
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It’s reported that Mike Pence watched “Mississippi Burning” to learn more about race relations- until someone pointed out it was supposed to be a negative example rather than a blueprint.
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In a successful effort to disprove his own point, he started his defense by saying, “I’m no racist, but…”
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There are many people who will tell you “Hello, jerk!” and then protest when you complain, by defending themselves with the comment, “… but I said hello.”
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I’m not a Democrat or Republican: I’m liberal. I’m more liberal than anyone you can imagine, in part because I can be swayed by new information. The past isn’t an anchor that obligates me to try to impose it on a new world.
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It’s true, you should show Trump/Pence the same respect Obama’s haters gave him for 8 years. It’s only fair.
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Every time Trump mistreats someone, a reporter in San Diego would call and ask, “What motivated you to say that?” Trump would grumble and say, “The Golden Rule, of course. All my bigly moves are based on that. I’m a Christian, you know. I have a plaque in each of my offices to remind me. Mike Huckabee made them for me.”
Even after mocking the disabled reporter, Trump preemptively called the San Diego guy and said, “The Golden Rule guided me.”
4 years later, the San Diego reported got arrested and dragged to Trump’s headquarters and was thrown into a chair inside Trump’s private office.
The reporter laughed to himself as he looked up above Trump’s mantle, to the infamous “Golden Rule” plaque that had guided Trump all these years.
“Do unto others as you would do to your shelf.”
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Yet another goofy joke…
“I am the best at fast calculations,” Trump tells an advisor.
“OK, what is 888 time 438 divided by 5?”
“29!” Trump states.
“Ha ha, that’s wrong!”
“Might be, but it was fast!”
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Words have power. Many people asked me yesterday , “Why do you care? You’re not gay, Muslim, or any of those things which TP’s policies will harm. Shut up!”
I’ve noticed that anyone can get on ‘the list.’ Whether it is religion, sexual orientation or commitment to free expresion , you never know when your opinion might be unpopular. History has shown us that all significant changes start as radical ideas until they are suddenly accepted.
Because of words spoken during the campaign many Americans are scared of what the future will bring. I am fortunate enough to know that these concerns are both authentic and capable of being reality.
They look around to see their friends, family, and fellow Americans cheering the fact that we are rolling back humanity’s collective conscience.
Today it is ‘them.’ Tomorrow, who knows? I’m with them today, in the off chance I’ll be them tomorrow.
I don’t protest or seek to disrupt because I know that the same power of words which permit Trump to scare the country also allow me to be a part of the brighter future.
It’s so strange to see white heterosexual people with names like ‘Smith’ post that there’s nothing to worry about – that the election was just a choice, that the sun will still rise tomorrow, that America will not change for the worst. Being a white man is in itself a type of racism-proof vest. And few of them seem to understand that they are wearing one. -x
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911 system mysteriously overloaded today as nation collectively and subconsciously calls for help. Busy signal received. – X
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Pence, riding on the coattails of Trump’s surprise election, today announced that his new anti-LGBTQ initiative will outlaw actual rainbows. – X
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Even George Washington couldn’t resist editorializing today as Obama met with the 4th Horseman.
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The entire country is in a collective episode of “What Would You Do?” And some of us are going to have a really bad after interview trying to explain what in the heck we were doing.
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This time, I decided to do all the graphics work myself, little by little. I had a 16 X 20 wrapped canvas made and framed to my specifications, using my artwork, and including a questionable quote from “Breaking Bad,” one of the best TV shows to ever ponder the duality of mankind’s nature. (Thus the black/white, nature vs. nurture theme of my work.) It turned out beyond my expectations. My wife loved the look, but immediately noted the usage of the word ‘bastard’ in this context.
As for me, I think many of us are going to be introspective in the future, cautiously anticipating the potential expression of our lesser natures.
Love, X
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P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 