I chose a picture from my “Dune” album for no specific reason, other than the voices in my head were playing both bagpipes and flutophone, the most cacophonous possible musical combination in the universe.

(Unless my sister-in-law is singing again. One time she was singing in a choir on television. A sign language interpreter was signing the performance. When my sister-in-law started singing a solo, the sign language interpreter gave her the finger. True story!)
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When I first heard that Jose’s was closing, I was scared that it might have been the Springdale location. I need it to continue on – otherwise I won’t have a “zero” on my quality scale.
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I ordered a cup of coffee. The clerk said “No, you can’t have one.” I hate the dry cleaners. And Chad, too – that guy stinks for sure.
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The service was like a well-broken machine. (A restaurant review…)
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I’m staying at a Holiday Inn Express tonight. So expect really smart things from me tomorrow. I had lunch at a place so disorganized I half-expected the “Hoarders” TV show crew to pop out of the back room at any moment. (PS By the end of the culinary experience, I was hoping it would happen.)

I was challenged to create a new flag or emblem for Facebook.

Here it is, representing the infinite loop of argument and content.

I should be brave enough to not use words like ‘intrepid.’
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If businesses want to encourage capitalism, they should charge us five cents each time we use a debit or credit card. And then every one millionth time, give someone the $50,000 that is accumulated – or to a tax-deductible charity of your choosing.
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If you are the type of person who thinks getting a flu shot gives you the flu, there is no punchline for this joke.
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“Carbox” is a much better name for “garage.”
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True fact: the average baseball games has only 18 minutes of actual action -about 17.89 minutes more than I’ve ever witnessed at one.
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I’m posting this status update with my new cellphone, the one I just picked up at the store. I wish the store security guard would stop chasing me through the parking lot.
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“No Results Found” would be a great band name. Don’t believe me? Google it.
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I read an abridged book. I didn’t like it. Not because stuff was left out, but because cars kept honking at me for reading there.
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I am more than a label. I am two labels.
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A friend invited me over to do shots. He lost and I don’t know how to apply a tourniquet.
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The school fight song is the equivalent of that guy you have to invite to your social events.
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I’m not calling you lame, but you certainly are limping.
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Are you an “engine light on” kind of person?
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“It’s not the length of your life, but the width of your smile.” (A quote attributed to Marjay.)
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Helpful hint #7: Crayons should never be used to fill out an application. Or to draw helpful pictures in the margins.
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When interviewing, make eye contact, but not so much it looks like you are hypnotizing someone. Unless you are trying to get a job as a hypnotist – that’s the one exception.
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I think sometimes we should take a baggie with a sandwich in it to every restaurant. That way, if the service is slow or the food tastes like prison rations, we can look our waiter dead in the eye and say “Forget about it,” as we munch on what we brought.
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In any group of more than 3 people, if people are late, the group should always begin ordering and eating at the agreed time. There’s no sense enabling those who are usually late for social events.
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The friends who are angrily telling you all the ways you are living your life wrong on social media: those people should be called “Facebook priests.”
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The Handyman Creed: “Our guarantee: If you are not 100% satisfied with our work, get used to it.”
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PS: Do not use any business with ‘handyman’ in the name unless the guy who owns it is the guy who does it.
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Typical contractor motto: “No job is too small – because when we get our hands on something, it’s a big problem.”
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I was going to make a list of all the ways I need to improve my life, but I keep finding MENSA applications piled everywhere.
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Smoking is to good looks what a baseball hat is to presidential candidates.
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I’ve never watched a nature show wherein the footage of the pristine Montana wilderness is superimposed on a background of motorcycles.
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Seatbelt: required. Helmet: optional. Sounds smart to me.
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Johnson Police: We don’t have quotas, but could you please sign this form?
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Johnson Police: the antidote for good tourism marketing.
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Johnson Police: it says so right in our name.
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Johnson Police: The Barney Fife of NWA law enforcement. But without the sense of humor.
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Johnson Police: Be we CAN.
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