This simple graphic reminds me that it is both unwise and illegal to settle customer complaints with a skillet or garden shovel, as popularized by Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner.

I made another stack of reminders that I can keep in my wallet and then hand to people who are obliterating the boundary separating reasonable & petulant. Years ago, I had similarly-themed business cards made with such a logo and words. They were a big hit with everyone – except those who found no humor in being reminded that not all complaints deserve the same level of attention or remediation. But it is wondrous to hand someone one of these and watch the surprised and horrified realization of the note applying to them crawl across their face.

Fake T-Rex Parkour 

It is totally unrelated to my post, of course, but the expectation of relevance bores me. smile emoticon

Fruit chews. I can imagine some of the snarled sneers of distaste. I’ve heard many people complain about this candy, saying it tastes like ear wax yanked from unsuspecting people’s ears and lightly flavored with fruits from another planet. But I love it. It’s as good as salted black licorice, Tab soda or pico de gallo with extra cilantro.

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No offense toward any specific eatery, but what a mess some of these places have named themselves. I can’t tell if they are places to eat, where to buy hand grenades, or food poisoning control centers. (I think I might name a diner “McDonald’s Canteen Tearoom” to appeal to both foodies and regular folks.)

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A list to ponder, ridicule or consider…

This picture is how my mind feels most of the time, even in an apparently monochromatic world. It is our minds that enliven us, transport us to places where ideas take shape and enable our imagination to sustain us, even as the monotony of life’s maintenance pervades our waking minutes. While we wade in mundane human affairs, if we are lucky, our minds are free.
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Sometimes, I wish Facebook would bring back really cool cigarette ads. That way, if your phone or computer ever caught fire, you’d have a great coincidental story to tell everyone.
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A Modern Parable:
“I don’t have time for such nonsense,” he told me, sneering.
I looked at his car that cost a fortune and imagined his palatial residence, filled to the rafters with needless clutter. I knew he worked and worked and worked – probably at a job he despised.
“I would say you have time for nothing except nonsense,” I replied, gleefully whistling as I walked away.
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I’m so lazy that I don’t even want to be a stand-up comedian, especially since there are chairs literally freaking everywhere you look.
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The only way you can probably say that you’ve changed someone’s mind is if you are literally the first neurosurgeon to do a human brain transplant. In almost all other instances, you’ve silenced the opposition or convinced them you are a buffoon.
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When someone tells you to be MORE responsible, what he or she is really saying is that you aren’t responsible at all. At least, that’s the way it can be taken most of the time.
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Crayon Reading: the feeling and tone I experience reading subjective opinion written as fact, probably better served to have been noted in polychromatic crayons.
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Quote from Kyle: “Fox is the TMZ of the news.”
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Just to amuse myself, I’m going to go to city hall and apply for a permit to start a snake and spider farm, just to see how people react. Free publicity, at any rate.
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Is it just me or does it seem like the people who believe the craziest religious stuff also tend to be the ones making the most fun of other religions?
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Why does it need to be ‘super’-glue? Why not just ‘good’-glue?
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I’d like to use my executive powers to confer the ability of coherent speech to those who watch a lot of biased news programming. Proposed name for said rule: “The Enunciation Proclamation.” Because if you watch closely, it seems like the dumbest person is invariably the one angrily shouting on television. And at the dinner table.
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“Happy Monday,” the apparent jerk said to me.
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A new app for cellphones of middle-aged white guys: Vexed-To-Speech. It automatically converts the angry nonsense you want to post to social media, especially if it involves illegal immigration, guns, religion, or the right to collect your own belly lint.
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For hairstylists: If I owned a salon, I would advertise a two-for-one haircut session as “The Siamese Twin Special.” But I wouldn’t make them sit in the chair at the same time, though.
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While not always accurate, many of the posters saying “I’m leaving social media until after the election or {insert current controversial social issue here}” are the ones with rigid, unyielding critical viewpoints, as exposure to anything which contradicts what they think they know is filtered as threatening. (Politics, religion, social issues, and toilet paper over-versus-under…) It would be easier to learn to use the tools available to inhibit unwanted exposure to opposing ideas but it is more validating to threaten to leave the forum entirely.
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If you find yourself really upset about the economy, the election, or those lost 15 minutes of memory while you had a blackout on a dark, country road where a mysterious bright light shone on you, go find a cat or dog and pet it. Things will improve dramatically. If not for you, it will for the cat or dog.
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Working theory that I will not explain: if you buy a lot of eggs for personal consumption, you also liked the tv show “The X-Files.” For the same reasons.
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My new book, “Concealed Ax Permits” hit the shelves last Thursday. I wrote the book when I inadvertently discovered lumberjacks could even ‘open carry’ without a permit. It seemed unfair to be required to wear flannel just to have an ax nearby at all times.

PS. Of course this is supposed to be funny. It caused some confusion on social media. 🙂