Category Archives: Fayetteville

Fayetteville, Lemon Moment, Personal, Relationships, Romance, Social Rules

I Paid It Forward

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Hey guys, I probably changed a couple of people’s lives tonight. Really.

Recently, someone surprised me with a kindness. It gave me a little breathing room. I can’t think about it without feeling like I owe the universe a big hug.

Because I had already worn myself out exercising, I left the apartment to visit my local inconvenience store. Today was a light day: I had 20,000 steps without taking a “walk.” I don’t get bored, but I do miss the interaction with people sometimes. This evening was one of those times. As I stood near the case of odd corndogs and snacks, a pretty young lady stood at the counter, vainly attempting to get her visa card to work. The clerk was showing her a video of his puppy. It was apparent that both of them were doing the dance of interest, even as the young lady became frustrated. “Try the card again,” the clerk told her. She tried twice more to prepay $10 in gas.

I interrupted them both and said, “Ma’am, I’ll pay for your $10 in gas. In fact, let’s make it $20 if your car holds it. We’ve all been there.” She looked at me in wide-eyed surprise. I pointed at the clerk, “He would want me to.” The clerk smiled a huge smile, realizing that I had shifted my surprise act of generosity to him.

The young lady almost started crying. “That is so nice of you!” I thought she was going to hug me. “Yes, my car will hold $20 of gas. It’s basically on empty.”

I thought of all the times I was poor or needed help. Her wide-eyed features and noticeable relief and gratitude rendered me a bit floorless.

“Then have a great night and pay it forward. It’s really okay.” I smiled at her. She smiled at me, then smiled at the clerk, who watched it unfold. It’s hard to describe how beautiful that smile was, as she reacted to a total stranger giving her such a gesture.

When she exited, the clerk shook my hand and introduced himself. “Ryan,” he said. “That was really cool of you.”

I introduced myself too and then showed him my ID. People often don’t believe my name is X. “Whoa, that’s cool!”

I told him, “You ought to ask her out. She already thinks I paid for her gas because you’re a nice guy. You’re halfway there.”

He smiled, “Yeah, I’ve been wanting to ask her out for quite a while.”

Y’all know me, so you know I couldn’t leave it there.

“Then ask her out,” I said. “It’s obvious she likes you. I’m 54. I’m telling you that you should take 100% of the shots you want when you’re young. The worst that could happen is she’ll say no. The best is that you will have a great story to tell about how you got the nerve to ask her out. Me.”

The clerk said, “That’s some wisdom right there. Thank you.”

We both laughed as I grabbed my bag of Cheetos Puffs and left.

As I started the car, I decided to forget the rules of life and social etiquette. I rolled down my window (yes, my car has actual rollers) and drove over near the white car at the gas pumps. The young lady looked over at me.

“I know this is awkward, but the clerk likes you and has wanted to ask you out for quite a while. He’s a great guy. Have a great night, young lady.”

She smiled so big that I thought her face might shatter. “Thanks! And thank you.”

I drove away, glad that I’d decided to leave the apartment for a dumb snack. And ignored the ridiculous social expectations of perhaps going too far. I can thank Lexapro for making me more “me.” Where life and love are concerned, there is no step too far.

I was glad I’d been able to help someone randomly.

I was glad that someone had helped me to be able to.

And that it was likely that the clerk and the young lady with the defunct visa card might be able to overcome the ridiculous shyness and distance that so often separates people who are interested in one another. There is no reason for such attraction not to find purchase in people’s lives.

Somehow, I think they will.

And I love that I might be at the nexus of their story, however it unfolds.

More than that, though, I would love for them both to take a risk and find out how their mutual interest might blossom.

What a life.

Thank you, universe, and thank you, kind souls who made it possible.

I’ll say a little prayer for love, for kindness, and for humanity.

And for Ryan and the nameless pretty young lady who needed a little bit of help tonight.

Love, X

Animals, Fayetteville, Lemon Moment, Personal, Uncategorized

Max & Max Sr. Or Vice Versa

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Another interesting person who I don’t know by name laughs because I call him Max Sr. I did ask him his name but due to the nickname I gave him, I can’t recall what it is now. And that’s okay, as you’ll understand after reading this.

I started seeing him at random times on the trails near work, especially at odd, early hours of the morning. The first few times, we exchanged casual greetings. Each time, I noticed his voice was louder and a bit more friendly. It’s obvious that Max Sr. is a kind, gentle soul who probably doesn’t get to talk to as many people as he once did.

The truth is I wanted to pet his cute 3-year-old dog the first time I saw it. It politely barked at me the first time I passed him and Max Sr. around 3 a.m. one morning. I laughed. I didn’t take it personally.

When I finally got the opportunity to pet the dog, Max Sr. told me that the adorable dog’s name is Max; thus, I brilliantly forgot the owner’s name on purpose and started referring to him as Max Sr. He loves the nickname. Max Sr. thinks of Max as his guard dog and guardian instead of him being Max’s owner. It’s only appropriate, then, that the owner adopt the dog’s name.

I sometimes take short walks, aka Sanity Walks, to get out of the building and see the creek, trees, and people exhausting themselves on the trail. I never step out there without hoping I’ll get to say hello to Max Sr. and to rub Max’s little ears and feel him shiver a little as I pet his back and sides.

I’d be a lot happier if Max and other animals were nearby to pet. A lot of people would. Animals show affection without regard to circumstance. It’s a good lesson we could learn to apply to our lives. The social shield does in some ways protect us. In others, it limits us.

When I see Max Sr. I smile. When I see Max, I smile and get to see immediately that he’s happy with just my presence. What a gift that is!

Maybe you’ll get to pet Max one day, too. He’ll show you the same love after he barks a few times to remind you that he loves his human.

Love, X

Behavior, Fayetteville, Personal

s u r p r i z e

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I stopped at the local inconvenience store a little bit ago. As I entered, I saw two stoner skateboarders talking to the cashier. The cashier is in his 20s and is a reserved person. He speaks Nepali, English, and probably a couple of other languages too. Because I take an interest in people, I love that he works at the store. People assume his job, reservedness, and accent indicate that he’s not smart.

I LOVE to find people working in regular jobs who are far smarter than me.

The secret? He’s brilliant. He’s finishing his master’s degree in genetics. The two stoners were astonished that he was getting an advanced degree in genetics and started excitedly talking to him about Crispr, asking if he knew anything about it. I laughed and wanted to say, “Uh yeah, he is finishing a master’s in genetics!”

The cashier, in his way, answered their questions quietly and politely.

He might be the CEO of the company which cures cancer one day.

I knew the first time I talked to him that he was hiding a huge dose of brains.

He hides in plain sight, undeterred by how people misjudge him. People like that go far. As they should.

That there are people like him everywhere and in all manner of jobs gives me hope for us all.

Love, X

Fayetteville, Humor, Personal

On This Day

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I will start with a bit of humor for a friend, who will appreciate the inside joke: “My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.”

I went to the Dollar Tree to buy my demanding cat Güino specific cat treats. I ended up helping two Latina ladies with their questions. My bright orange shirt and hospital name tag evidently identified me as an employee. Because I was playing the part of an exemplary employee, I told them to go to Hobby Lobby too, as they were searching for decoration ideas that weren’t going to take all their cash. I used an index card to draw them a diagram of where to find what I was recommending. They were very happy. I’m definitely in the running for employee of the month. And people tell me speaking Spanish isn’t useful. 🙂 Hobby Lobby should write me a check too, as I am certain that once the two ladies go into the store, they are going to get a lot more ideas than they entered with.

At checkout, I saw that the woman in front of me had to leave a few items on the register rail because she didn’t have enough money. I bought them and handed her the bag of her items when I went outside. The look on her face was priceless. “It’s just $5, ma’am. You’d do the same for me if you could.” Covid be damned because she hugged me unexpectedly. “Is it too early to say ‘Merry Xmas?’ I asked her. “No, this gesture is a good start.”

I went over to Garland to use the ATM. A man was standing near the out lot of the parking lot, his driver’s door open. “Can you help me push this a few feet?” he asked as I pulled up and got out to help him. I told him that I couldn’t because I’d had surgery a couple of months ago. About that time, another man stopped and he helped push it several feet into a parking spot. “I can give you a ride to wherever you want to go, as long as you’re not wanting to go to Nebraska. I hate that place.” He laughed. I moved my bags from the front and he got into my car. As we pulled out onto Garland, his cellphone rang. His wife had listened to his voicemail and was on the way to pick him up. “No worries, I said. I can take you home or drop you back at your truck.” He thought about it as I turned right at the light to double back around. “It’s my brother’s truck but yeah, I’ll wait for my wife.” I dropped him back at the parking lot.

Driving down Sycamore, I must have sensed the oncoming yellow car was going to ignore the traffic signal. As I stopped and waited to turn, the car sped through the red light. I honked. The driver proudly waved high with a single finger as he sped away. I could tell that man would live a long, short life. 🙂

When I got home, I opened the fresh bag of cat treats and proudly laid several on the kitchen floor. My cat Güino sniffed them and then walked away. I’m pretty sure he was saying “Kiss my butt” in cat language in the way only a cat can. To prove I am at least smarter than him, I scooped them and put them back into the bag. After he was doing losing his mind with a Looney Loops doo-dad, I put them back down and he ate them like he hadn’t seen food in sixty-two days. The picture shows two of the Looney Loops at his feet.

Afterward, I made 14 servings of protein drinks. After doing it the hard way for a couple of weeks, I bought a cheap blender. Then, I realized I could make a lot more by using a gallon jug and shaking it like a pair of dice at a Las Vegas craps table. It’s good exercise, too, especially when the lid comes off and sprays thick protein drink all over the kitchen. Yes, I did that. I still love eating the powder dry, too. It gives me teeth that thick pie dough look that people find so attractive.

I still have my bedroom in my living room. No couch. Just my red rocking chair. Two big-screen televisions, one of which I sometimes use to stream my window camera view to. The other, to mostly ignore as I play the news. Four cat beds, one cat. One bed, one human. I spend more time vacuuming and sweeping the floor than I do watching tv, thanks to my beloved litter-scatterer.

I’m considering becoming the first-ever minimalist hoarder., but as Steven Wright says, “You can’t have everything–where would you put it?”

Anyway, I hope your day is full of wonder and also a jar of loose, vengeful spiders.

I’m just kidding about that last part.

Love, X

Brother, Fayetteville, Lemon Moment, Personal

Fairy Lights & Foxes

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At 2 a.m. I stood out on the landing, looking at the glow of the fairy lights I strung yesterday. Güino excitedly examined them with me. When I looked up toward Gregg Avenue, a fox was running South down the middle of the street. It was an unexpected sight. I hope to see more such things today.

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When we went inside, I rolled him with a lint roller, still one of his favorite things.

.

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Today would have been my brother’s 56th birthday.

Fayetteville, Lemon Moment, Personal

Another Wallet

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I walked a few times today. Though the sun beat down on me for the third walk, it was a beautiful day. Work is speeding toward me. Walking along a side street not far from the trail and Gregg, I saw what I knew to be someone’s wallet. This was one of the slim-design ones, with a narrow band to contain cards along both sides. Because of the volume of people passing through, I knew that the wallet had recently been dropped, most likely out of a cyclist’s pocket. This is the third wallet I’ve found this year. In both of the previous cases, I had to investigate their whereabouts on the internet. Both owners were very pleased that I’d found them.

Today’s wallet had a bit of cash, a driver’s license, as well as the person’s social security card, and two credit cards. Luckily for me (and for the owner), an internal slot had a couple of business cards. I called the number on the business card because the last name emblazoned on it matched the driver’s license surname.

When he answered, I said, “This isn’t a car warranty call! Do NOT hang up.”

“Okay,” he said. “Good pitch. What are you selling?” He was half-laughing.

“Car warranties,” I said, and laughed. “But no, really, if you’ll describe your wallet, I’ll tell you.”

He was silent for a couple of seconds. “Thank god. You found it?”

“Yes,” I think so. He described the wallet perfectly. Just to be funny, I said, “One last question: why do you have a punch card for Chuck E. Cheese in your wallet?”

“What? I don’t think so.” He was perplexed. I felt a flash of guilt for amusing myself, even as I laughed again.

“Where did you find it?” he asked.

“Over near Poplar and the trail. I assumed you lost it while riding your bicycle over here?”

“No, I think I left my wallet and drink on the toolbox of my truck and drove around with it. I can’t believe it fell there!” He laughed. “I don’t ride a bike. I’d crush the rims.”

We both laughed.

“If you can meet me right now, I’m going to walk past the Pack Rat Outdoor Center in a few minutes. Is that okay?”

“Yes, of course, thank you.”

A few minutes later, I stood in the parking lot of the store and watched the pond in front of the beautiful building. It’s a serene corner to observe.

He pulled in. I walked up to the vehicle and reached in and shook his hand as he thanked me. We exchanged a few pleasantries and jokes.

“You can get a bicycle you know. Go to Lewis And Clark and ask for a deal for a beginner.”

He smiled. “I just might. What can I give you as a reward?”

“Reward? No. Just pay it forward and that’s cool.”

“Do you want a ride to your house?” he asked me.

“Nah, that’s why I don’t need a bike. I walk a lot.”

“I’m glad you do,” he said. “Otherwise, I would have lost the money, the credit cards, and probably my identity.”

His name is Dan.

I’m going to take another walk now and enjoy the darkening, cloudy night. I hope it is as exquisite as last night’s stroll. \

And I hope you’re warm and loved wherever you are. If I find your wallet and call, don’t be alarmed by my car warranty joke.

Love, X
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Fayetteville, Health, Medical, Personal

Four Weeks

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Four weeks ago today I woke up briefly at 6 in the morning. I had an NG tube, a catheter, an IV, and a spider web of other connections to machines. I was alive and the horrible spasmic muscle pains in my abdomen were gone, replaced by a strange feeling of void in my body. It feels like it was both yesterday and a year ago. As I walk the neighborhoods this morning, I’m grateful that my feet are capable of walking all these miles only a month later. I’m greedy for many more. It’s very dark here in suburbia, as close as I am to College Avenue. I can barely see the asphalt in front of me. I trust my feet to find their way. I’ve surrendered to the idea that no matter what we do, life always gets the last word and laugh.Love, X

Fayetteville, Lemon Moment, Personal, Story, Writing

A Moment Tonight

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It’s dimmed and obscured tonight
because I swallowed the moon

I will cough it up at dawn’s break

I stare up at the streetlight
It’s shape resembling the moon

I amble along atypical streets
smiling and whispering to strange dogs

I observe people unfamiliar
as they wind down their mundane days
Unknown stories written all around me

I slow my impatient feet
to see the transformed world in the evening light

As I pass an irregular reflective window
It serves me as a mirror
I stare at my reflection
not for reassurance but rather a revelation

Such a small moment
but one so sublime and tenuous
It’s both fragile and forceful

Whatever anxiety previously held me captive
has abandoned its hold

Because all journeys must end
my feet reluctantly turn back to home…
…to home
It’s never really a place

The October air holds its chill
yet it does not touch my heart

I wish you were here, whoever and wherever you are

The moon requested that I release it
so, I do, with these unskilled words

As you sit in your cocoon
look around secretly at those around you
Capture the moment

And the next time you witness the moon
Thank me for reminding you

That the world is large
and you are surrounded

Fayetteville, Mental Health, Personal

A Peek Behind The Social Curtain

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I took the picture from my hospital window after surgery. It’s a reminder of the world that awaited me.

At 4:27, I stood out on the landing. The horn of the approaching excursion train blasted the Saturday afternoon air. I waited for the passenger cars to pass. I raised my hand and waved, expecting no one to notice me. The penultimate car went slightly past. Someone seated and facing the caboose end of the train waved back enthusiastically. I was surprised. If I’m roadside as the train passes, if one person waves, it usually results in many of those in the same car following suit. It’s a dumb but pleasurable way to greet strangers. They’re on the train as an excursion, away from their normal lives. Many forget that sonder is at play; those of us on this side are standing in our mundane lives, watching them momentarily pass. Such encounters make us forget that each of us is a universe unto ourselves.

Minutes before, I’d held my cat like a baby a few minutes, reassuring him. He loves being held that way. Before I lost all the weight, my back usually started complaining before the cat did. Because of the hot sun on the front of the apartment, he found that sitting a couple of feet back, atop my laptop on the desk was more pleasurable. I’ve had to shoo him five times today. That’s a cat for you; ignores the cat castle in favor of the box, and sits on the valuable electronics instead of specifically designed window sills erected for their comfort. I hate shooing him while he’s so new to the place. If I don’t though, I’ll come to discover that he’s built a sofa on top of my laptop between the dual monitors in front of the main window.

Despite my gratefulness, anxiety had clamped around my throat. Earlier today, when I put pen to paper to finish my wet shoes anecdote, I was happy and satisfied. Writing fills me with the opportunity to imperfectly express myself. Even though it usually is a solitary activity, it is not a lonely one.

Life pivots quickly.

I won’t describe the catalyst to my anxiety. Not all of that story is mine to tell. I reacted honestly and was powerless to derail the thoughts that loop in my head. It’s one of the reasons I decided to go back to counseling, even though financially it’s the worst possible time. The truth is that my time might be shorter if I don’t take the risk. I loathe secrecy; as much as my directness is essentially me, I know now that secrecy in part derailed a couple of parts of my life that didn’t run parallel to losing weight and eating healthily.

I’d done my maximum workout with the dumbbells this morning, so physical exertion was out of the question.

I reached out and talked to someone who is familiar with such issues. Being listened to and understood lifted me. That’s one of the fundamental truths of all of us: connections are essential.

On a whim, I checked the mail. My sister, the one who suffered from addiction most of her life, sent me a card. It’s the first card I’ve received from her in years. It didn’t erase our mutual and destructive history, but it dinged my heart a little.

The universe is watching me. There are no coincidences.

Or all of life is a coincidence. I’m not sure.

But I am certain of people. We all need each other, even as we annoy, vex, or love one another.

Love, X

Exercise, Fayetteville, Personal, Razorback Greenway

Love, And The Risk Of Wet Shoes

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A few days ago, I walked five times, each a long, unplanned meandering. Though I almost always answer the call of the sidestreets, on the third time I cut through to reach the trail that traverses Northwest Arkansas. I’d lost track of time listening to TED talks about love, psychology, work, technology, and language. Ideas make my feet lighter than air. The creek along the trail wasn’t fast-moving, but its sounds, intermixed with the rustle of the encroaching trees and camouflaged birds, transfixed me.

A few minutes later, I reached one of the breaks in the foliage, one exposing a series of stones strategically placed across the creek. Without thought, I stepped off to cross the rocks. “Be careful,” I told myself. As everyone knows, river stones can be beguiling in their slipperiness. All of us have hopefully experienced the momentary horror of knowing we’re going to fall in, no matter how madly we windmill our arms for balance. My surgery incision tends to call out to me when I’m pondering crossing a fallen log, jumping a park bench, or climbing a tree. Oh, how I miss climbing trees! I’ve climbed fifty in the last year, even when the wind was dormant and the sun baked the upper reaches of the available trees. Few things can provide such a unique perspective. Sitting on a live thing, smelling the pungency of the leaves, and most of all, watching things and people move about with no concern for the possibility of someone sitting above them in the branches.

Halfway across, I forgot that I was crossing and stepped to the left, my feet submerging into the water. My shoes filled with water and my socks became soggy. I walked several yards through the middle of the creek. It was heavenly and my hot feet dispelled that heat into the water. I stood there, feeling the sensation.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” asked a voice.

I looked around and saw no one.

“I’m over here,” the voice said. Because I was concentrating, I saw the woman sitting on the bank, her back against a tree. She had a book in one hand and a large bottle of soda in the other.

“Yes! It is fantastic. Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.” I turned to walk back toward the traversing stones.

“You can stand there in the creek if you want. It’s everybody’s to enjoy,” she told me.

“What are you reading?” I asked her.

“Where The Crawdads Sing,” she told me, holding the book up.

“What a coincidence. I read that. It was a beautiful story.”

“Yes, this is my third reading.” She smiled.

I turned and walked back to the stones and away from the creek. All the way home, my feet squished as I walked. This time, I had not been the observer. Someone else had found a secret place and a way to enjoy it. My feet didn’t feel so wet any longer. All I could think about was the cool water and reading place by the creek.

Love, X
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