Category Archives: Humor

Umbrella Advisory

I can’t control the impulse. Seeing all these umbrellas makes it increasingly problematic for me to not use my vial of confetti. If you’re currently the proud owner of an umbrella, please be cautious while opening it.

Love, X
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A Eulogy And a Joke For Jim



Erika told me that I MUST have more hair. She gave me some dubious “vitamins” with skull-and-crossbones on the bottle. The back label had testimonials from probable probationary or parolee people. I’ve been taking them for a week. I look like an aging English rockstar now that my hair is growing faster than the mustache of my neighbor Susan. Let me know what you think of my new locks – and the color streaks. It will probably grow past my hips in another week.

If you look closely at my goofy picture, you’ll see that my eyes are a little teary. A really good man died this morning. He has so many friends that I wouldn’t want to count the number of memories that will be retold in the near future. Jim’s sense of humor was different from mine in some ways, but the spirit of his humor was massive. We used to joke and speculate about what he might want to be told at his service. I’d write some of it here, but it would shock, amuse, and horrify, and probably some people simultaneously. When a force of nature like him dies, it is a sure sign that all of us will line up soon enough for our turn. No one can look at his life as a friend, pastor, chaplain, counselor, or husband and father and think he had anything other than an outstanding life. He was a rare mix of education, faith, music, and humor. He never once made me feel less than for my skepticism.

I decided to go ahead and post these words despite the fact that most people think they are so dissimilar and disparate.

Jim would appreciate and see the connection.

Life is both stupidity and solemnity, hunger and satiation.

If I had donned this wig and entered the church he founded, the one that held its last service last Sunday and the one I wrote about last Sunday afternoon, he would look up from the piano, smile, and then say: “X is a much better-looking woman than he ever was as a man.”

Love, X
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Speed Bump :)

I peeked out of the apartment and saw that there was a large spilled UHaul box in the fast lane by the intersection. Someone moving dropped a 75 lb box of really nice expensive clothing without realizing it. My first concern was someone speeding at 70 mph hitting it. I went and picked up the spillage and stuffed it back into the box. Traffic mostly stopped for me as I did so. I dragged the heavy box back over to the side of the road. Unfortunately, as good as the clothing is, it all started at a 36-in waist. Yes, I’m not going to lie. I was tempted to sort it and take some. But 36″ is way too big for me. I’m sure that the people moving had no idea that it fell off or where that might have possibly happened. It won’t last long as the errant passers-by see it. At least no one is going to hit it and do a Dukes of Hazzard. Although it would be an ideal speed bump.
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Practical Ghost Advice

First, white sheets are ridiculous. Not only do they stain, but due to their interpretation when worn, in some parts of the country, it might get you into trouble. Ghosts know this. I wonder how many people involuntarily BECAME ghosts due to being a member of one of those ridiculous organizations?

Real ghosts do not wear white.

They also don’t need eyeholes for reasons that should be obvious.

Ghosts travel more in the daytime than at night. They hate that part of their job is to don a sheet and yell “boo!” at night. They prefer to Netflix & Chill like the rest of us.

I captured this one this afternoon on my Blink camera. The ghost is wearing shoes which seems odd.

If it comes back, I have a few questions. Ghosts are notorious for being oblique when you talk to them.

I’ll let y’all know when I find out.

Love, X

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Flamboyancy Is A Must

I don’t know where I lost my bank card. It seems like I remember forgetting to pull it out of the POS kiosk. Clarks tend to ask extraneous questions, often several in a row. There are times when I get immersed in a verbal tennis match, preferably a witty or humorous one.

I’m back at Arvest due to convenience. Yes, there were horrible experiences several years ago. Even when I opened this account, they mailed the first two cards to an address I hadn’t resided at in almost 10 years. It wasn’t an auspicious start. But it IS a good story.

I digitally locked my card yesterday when I realized I didn’t have it. I then called the help number expecting weird customer service. The lady taking my call was anything but boring.

It got interesting when she asked whether I would like a normal or decorative card. Of course I laughed. “If you only knew!” I said.

“How about you surprise me with one you like.”

There was a pause, and then she told me a personal story about how her husband refused to use the card she obtained for him. He replaced it with a boring normal one.

Despite her years of service, no one had ever asked her to pick one for them.

It tickled her.

I could literally get any type of card in the mail in a few days, which is amusing.

And now the bank employee has a first she’ll probably tell her husband about.

She should order him a new frilly, colorful one and put it in his wallet without asking.

I have a feeling he needs more flavor and color.

Based on my experience, almost everyone does.

X
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401k Bet

Obviously, I’m not a sports fan.

I’m writing as my dubious alter ego, Middle-Aged Superhero. That adds credibility to my following prediction.

But living where I do in Fayetteville, avoiding the enthusiasm and clog of those who are fans is impossible.

Arkansas is going to win the game today against Alabama.

By 10 points.

Don’t bother calling me crazy.

That’s like telling a can of peanuts that it’s nutty.

I’ll probably miss the game, given that I’ll have to fly off and solve an emergent emergency.

If any of y’all are betting people, go ahead and liquidate your 401k and bet big against Alabama. We’re all going to work until we’re eighty anyway, so there’s no real risk.

You’re welcome.

X
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