Yesterday, I thought I was in line for free pizza. Much to my surprise, I turned out to be in the voting line. I’m not sure I trust a world in which I’m able to vote. This time, despite dropping my license behind the table and next to the window (where it was almost unreachable), I relentlessly repeated my name and address as if I were being interrogated. I’ve voted early for so many cycles that I forgot how different it is to vote on the actual day.
I voted at Sequoyah UM Church. It was fast and efficient. Remarkably so. Whoever is in charge there did an outstanding job. Other than letting a couple of loons on the ballot. Whenever I see obviously unqualified candidates, much less fringe ones, I remind myself that maybe I, too, could get elected without much sense or qualifications.
Don’t worry about my vote counting. I am still so liberal that I might as well be voting in Finland as in Arkansas.
After voting, I wandered the back half of the property. It was not well-maintained, but I had some moments of beauty walking back there. The weather was uncharacteristically warm and calm for November. It was odd to sit on the benches in front of the rudimentary cross, feeling the sun filter through the trees and listening to the birds sing. Not too far away, the hectic comings and goings of voters might as well have been a mile away. It was a contemplative place, one that I alone owned for several minutes. I admit that it was a bit strange thinking that the ballot contained an initiative for religious freedom; it’s obvious that the intent is anything but motivated by freedom. Had I been in that mindset, I’m sure I could have felt the presence of a creator in those trees and on those benches. Please don’t fault me for not feeling such a presence. It was sufficient to be there, seeing the beautiful world around me.
When I walked across the dilapidated bridge walkway and emerged from the trees, a man exiting the voting place asked me what was back there.
“Five minutes of peace if you search for it.” I smiled.
“I’m in a hurry, but I’d really like to see.”
“You only live once. Just tell them a crazy guy at the church where you voted told you to take a moment.”
He laughed. “Deal! They will believe that.”
As I walked toward my car on the opposite end and side of the building, I turned to see him traverse the wooden bridge and disappear behind the treeline.
I’m certain he found something worthwhile back there. . . I rendered myself transparent in the picture because I felt a little other-worldly in the retreat behind the trees.
I’m in my cathedral at work. Because I usually have a couple of hours with no one in here with me, I can blast heavenly music curated with the intent to inspire or motivate. My cousin Jimmy used to torture me with Metallica, and sometimes with horrible bands like Pantera. Because he’s been on my mind a lot lately, I played a few songs for him and had to laugh. I also played “Far From Home” by Five Finger Death Punch, a song Jimmy didn’t live long enough to enjoy.I ended the set with a heavenly song from Il Divo, probably the most opposite and contrasting music possible. In his last few years, he would have appreciated the switch. And we probably would have laughed about his mullet.
Each of us has had our mullet years, the ones characterized by uncertain identity and our place in this world.
When we get older, we laugh about our mullet years. But nostalgia makes it golden.
Some of you are probably living through the best years of your life and you don’t even realize it.
Take a minute today and crank up one of your favorite songs. If you do, I hope it makes you vibrant and joyous.
If it doesn’t, go ahead and fill out that AARP application.
I sat at my computer, composing an amusing anecdote about my day.
A gentle knock at my door startled me. I checked my outside cameras and saw no one.
A few moments later, another knock, this time a little more pronounced.
I got up to see who might be there, assuming it was a friend ducking away from my camera’s view.
I opened the door to see a man of about forty standing there. He was dressed in a suit and tie.
“May I come in?” he asked, laughing.
“Uh, no. I don’t let strangers inside, at least until they show me a gun or amuse me.”
“Hmmm. No one ever declines my request. Do you know who I am?” He smiled, awaiting an answer.
“No. Insurance salesman? Bail bond agent?”
The man laughed.
“Close. I’m The Gatherer. It’s your time, X.”
He pulled a white business card out of his back pocket. He handed it to me. The only words written on it were “The Gatherer.”
“Well, that is mysterious!” I replied.
“Look closely at my eyes, X” He stepped one step closer. Instead of backing away, I stepped one step closer to him, a trick my dad taught me. The man flinched slightly. I saw a brief surprise ripple through his shoulders.
I stared intensely. His blue eyes shifted, and I saw a blue sky with a burning field in both. It was as vivid as anything I’d ever witnessed. To my surprise, it didn’t alarm me.
“Care to guess now? I think you know. Your time is up.” He grinned.
“Well, I was promised that I would live until at least 2034, so could you come back at a more convenient time?” I laughed.
The man took a step back, a look of confusion on his face.
“That’s just twelve more years, a mere drop in the bucket.”
“I’ve had a good life. I’ve loved and been loved. But I must see how the next few years play out, Mr. Gatherer.”
“In that case, we can work something out, X. But you must invite me in where we can talk like civilized men.”
I laughed. “I don’t know how to talk like a man. And I won’t invite you in. I’ll leave the door open and if you choose to enter, you do so of your own free will. We can have a cup of coffee if you’d like.”
I turned and went to the kitchen and began preparing two cups of Keurig coffee. When I turned, Mr. Gatherer was seated in my computer chair, his hands on his lap. I handed him a cup of coffee and sat on my soft couch. My cat Güino rubbed up against the stranger’s legs. I noted that the cat’s fur stood on end each time he made contact.
“Get to it,” I said as if such conversations were a part of my daily routine.
“Perhaps I can delay my duties until 2034, but there is a catch. But you knew that.”
I nodded. He continued.
“To concede you these extra years, you must both save a life and let a life willingly go. Not cause it. Just let it happen.” I could see a hint of fire in his eyes.
“I accept.”
“What? You don’t want to know the terms?” He was definitely confused.
“No. You and I both know there is a hidden catch and a deeper context. I’m not smart enough to know what that might be. I’ll take my chances and let it ride.”
He laughed. “Would you believe me if I told you that it is much harder to save a life than to allow one to pass? You’re the first person in eighteen years who managed to get me to avoid my gathering as soon as we met.” He shook his head. I’m sure he was remembering the last person who had done so.
“I didn’t know for sure. But I like creativity, and I love good stories. I was waiting on aliens, but the reaper has a nice touch to it, too. I’m not dumb. I know my hourglass is tipping over. What happens next?”
He took a sip of coffee. “I’m going to finish this cup of coffee and tell you some secrets. In full disclosure, the truths are something you think you want to know, but they will plague you until your time to meet me again comes.”
“I survived the last president and Covid. And a Love Boat remake, so I think I’ll be okay.” I snorted a little.
“First, you will be blessed with good fortune. Not necessarily monetarily. Death pings worst when you have a good life. Second, the person you’ll have to allow to pass will surprise you. Every ounce of your body will fight it.” He smiled and his mouth curved into a cruel crescent moon.
“They will have died anyway,” I said, certain I was right.
He hesitated. “Yes, that’s true. But everyone feels like they could have done something. And in your case, you could have.”
I stood up and walked toward him. “Look into my eyes and you’ll see what’s there.”
The Gatherer peered directly at my face. I let him delve into my memories. His eyes widened in shock. I knew he found that hardness left from my childhood, the same hardness that allowed me to survive it. Few people knew that it was a tangible thing sitting in my heart. He saw that I had been convinced more than once that I was already seeing my own death. And that I had witnessed death that convinced me I might not make it out alive afterward.
“Hmmm. Interesting. They didn’t tell me you were one of those people. But everyone breaks under the deal I’m making.” He patted Güino’s head. I could hear my cat purr. He finished his cup of coffee in one gulp.
“Before I go, I must share another truth with you, X. In another version of your life, you should have been wildly successful, traveling the world and helping people. That life was glorious.” He smiled with his teeth this time.
I reached out my hand to shake his. “I assume when we shake hands, I’m agreeing to the terms and conditions, whatever they might be.”
He nodded and took my hand. His hand was cold but shockingly hard and firm.
“Before you go,” I told him, “look into my eyes one more time. I already see the loophole.”
He shook his head. “No, you don’t. No one does.”
“Look, then.”
And he did, drawing in a powerful breath and holding it.
I let him peer into the future, the future I was choosing.
He saw it, the loophole closing in my head.
“That IS interesting! No one ever sees it.”
“It’s simple. As long as I am ready to go, the deal dies with me. I still have free will to make my choice. It will have given me the choice of a few more years. I will save a life and give my own. That’s the way it’s always been, hasn’t it?”
He laughed. “It’s been a pleasure doing business with you.”
“You as well.”
As he walked out, he turned and said, “I will meet you again, X”
“Yes, but when I’m ready. That’s the deal. And lose the suit and tie. Wear something casual and enjoy yourself.”
He closed the door behind him.
I sat back down at the computer. Güino jumped into my lap as I began to write again.
You’ve been gone many years. 2013 was two iterations of my life ago.
You left a legacy of which you weren’t aware.
You have beautiful grandchildren from a daughter you never knew of.
She found out today that you’re her father. That’s staggering news for anyone who wanted the simple truth and simplicity of an answer.
I’m sorry life took you so early. You’d be older and tired of the habits that deflected you from focusing on what makes you happy.
I can imagine you walking up to your daughter for the first time, seeing her children, your grandchildren. Especially if your smart and handsome son Noah were with you, each of you seeing a silhouette of yourselves in her face.
I’ve done the best I can to give your daughter some closure.
Your daughter will be able to separate what you call mistakes from the fact that you were in the world. She’s here because you were.
I’m humbled by the fact that science and DNA can unlock doors in a way that people couldn’t.
Knowing the past doesn’t change it. Judging it doesn’t color or discolor any of our previous chapters.
I didn’t find out my own dad had fathered a child until 26 years after his death. That I had another sister was a secret for 46 years. There’s no doubt that some of my family knew about her. They chose to rob us of the opportunity to know each other. I understand it even though I disagree. Age gives me the ability to dislike it but also to nod my head to some degree. Most of us are doing the best we can, and such decisions are complicated.
Jimmy, I know that your daughter would have brought you joy. She’s married and loved. She’s smart, kind, and the perfect complement to Noah, who is the embodiment of what you’d want your son to be.
Be proud wherever you are.
I sit in amazement at how life still surprises me, Jimmy.
I would give anything to have you here, even for an afternoon, to watch your eyes dance with joy meeting the daughter you never knew you had. To listen to your stupid, outrageous laugh.
For now, though, I’m still happy with this turn of events.
Maybe we will talk about it one day.
For now, know that you have a daughter who finally got a lot of answers. I’ve shared your pictures and stories with her. Her children can look at the family tree I’ve made and see through generations.
I used a picture of your daughter Brianna when she was 13. It was the month you died. It brings me to tears knowing you had such a sweet young daughter who was hidden.
I woke up around 3 a.m. and could hear the neighbors outside on the landing, their night still in progress.
I retrieved my trusty sheet, put it over my head, and knocked.
“Trick or Treat,” I said. No treats were forthcoming.
My brother Mike would have been 57 today. I don’t know what to say about that. He could have lived another twenty years had his choices been different. If he were alive, I’d prank call him and say, “Good morning, you dumb bast**d!” and then hang up. He’d probably call back and leave a message, “Sew any non-bunching pillows lately?”
The picture is one from Dogpatch: me on the left, Mike, my sister Marsha crouched on the bottom, and my cousin Jimmy on the right. We got to see a lot of things thanks to Jimmy. I restored the faces in the photo. Jimmy’s gone too, but I’ll take a few moments to think about him and my brother today. And I’ll think about my other sister, the one I didn’t know I had for another 40+ years after this picture was taken.
The nostalgia will undoubtedly make me more at peace as the world swirls around me today; my thousands of steps and interactions will remind me of the frozen nature of memory and time.
Each second carries me further away from that moment so many years ago at Dogpatch.
Though I’m not dogmatically religious, I’d like to write an incongruous post that merges the Black Eyed Peas with the Christian Bible.
The aforementioned group has a current hit called “Don’t You Worry.” It’s vibrant, energetic and a call put away your worries and concerns. It’s one of those throwaway songs, full of pop momentum and repetitious lyrics. It’s also delightful in a way that belies its formulaic lyrics. I’m certain they weren’t inspired by a call to remember that control and worry are the provinces of people unfocused on what’s essential to happiness, especially from a spiritual viewpoint.
I have a lot of issues with religious texts. Sometimes though, truth is where you find it.
Whether it is Matthew 6+, or a verse from my favorite book of Ecclesiastes, among several others, one of the essential truths of most religions is that we are forces living inside bodies. And we’re not supposed to be mental prisoners to the outcome of our worries.
Not to ignore them or blindfold yourself; rather, to rejoice at this moment and to dance with joy. It’s something that older people forget to do as if such a thing is only an option for the young.
The Black Eyed Peas song evokes a reaction in me. Something about it strikes a call to action to remember that for everything, there is a time and place. Maybe it’s because I love the book of Ecclesiastes.
And if your head is cluttered with worry and concern, no matter how justified, you might be distracting yourself from the opportunity to remember to live. To give up control and surrender. To dance, sing, and feel the physical world. But not to such a point that you forget that everything that makes your heart sing can’t be quantified.
I saw it on TikTok after seeing it on Reddit a while back. Of course, I doubted that it was true. Today, I loaded my Audacity sound software and chopped the song “Hey Jude” by The Beatles.
You’ve probably heard of them – they were a band from England who had a few songs back in the day.
Somewhere around the 2:55 – 3:00 minute mark in the song, the allegation was that you could hear Paul McCartney hit a wrong note on the piano and utter “Effing Hell,” using the actual f-bomb. John Lennon said, “Let’s keep it in the song,” so they did, albeit dropped to a lower register.
After snipping the song in Audacity, I could hear it clearly but wanted to be certain, so I overtracked it and isolated it.
You know what? It’s true.
I’d post it here, but I’m sure FB wouldn’t like me using language that many of us hear and use daily.
Paul McCartney wrote the song originally as “Hey Jules,” for John Lennon’s son. John Lennon went so far at one point to call Julian’s birth a drunken mistake.
Ouch. Proof even that icons say and behave stupidly.
So many people adore the song “Hey Jude” without knowing it was inspired by a five-year-old boy whom Paul McCartney loved and feared for as John Lennon abandoned him to start a new life with Yoko Ono.
Ardormorph: the process in which you love yourself and another to find a way to change with the goal of being happy.
If you want to be happy, you have to decide to be.
And then, the hard work.
Most people have a vague idea of what happiness or satisfaction even means. If you want love, you must learn what healthy love looks like.
If you want happiness, your personal life must reflect what you want out of it. It requires self-honesty and focus.
You must learn new habits, skills, and ways of communication.
If this is the last relationship you want to be in, you’re either all in or not. There is no middle ground.
That means forgiveness for being treated poorly and accountability for what you’ve done.
You can’t change what is behind you, nor can your partner.
Learning from it. Not repeating it.
Be tender. Be kind.
Discuss every aspect of what the future will look like. Please don’t shy away from it.
Don’t make your partner pay for mistakes others made in your past. This person is none of those.
It all starts with your commitment to stop trying to do things as you’ve done before. The behaviors weren’t effective, or you’d still be in a previous relationship. It seems obvious to say that.
Most of us keep repeating cycles and behaviors. We can’t do that and find happiness.
It requires change. Understanding. Listening.
Remember, you learn first and apply it afterward.
It starts with change.
In yourself and in the ways you’ve navigated being in love.
P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 