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Category Archives: Personal
A Wind No Longer Chilly
I walked fast, accumulating steps between the bouts of expected rain. With the wind, it was a little bit chilly. My feet felt like they weren’t even touching the ground. But I found myself wishing there was no breeze. I rounded the corner of a parking lot. Ahead of me a young couple were clearing their vehicle of their belongings. The two formidable men manning the tow truck were waiting impatiently for them to finish. The couple’s vehicle was being repossessed. The young man reminded me of a singer whose name I could not recall. His face revealed nothing. His female companion however, had anguish etched across her features. I can’t describe exactly how terrible I felt for them both. It is their only vehicle. It was, I should say. I don’t know what led to this. Only that I wish that it had not happened. When I made eye contact with the woman as I passed, I nodded and frowned.”I’m so sorry,” I said, because I was. Even though my comment was not helpful, I hoped it lessened her stress and a little bit of her embarrassment as she continued to pile things out of the vehicle. I don’t have a neat bow to tie this anecdote with. The chilly breeze no longer bothered me. How fortunate I am. I have a vehicle and I was out walking for pleasure. Around me, people with problems both big and small, struggle and live their lives.
X
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Warm
My day is closing the way it began. Almost 16 hours later, I’m walking and watching the beautiful sunset illuminate the brightly colored houses and the hidden lives they contain. It’s absolutely beautiful and transformative. My head floods with music and if I glance away and look back, the light has already morphed and changed. There are a lot of moments in life exactly like that. You enter the room of memory and although everything is familiar, nothing is the same. Impermanence is the only sure thing. Even the sun filled with hydrogen will one day exhaust itself. But for now, 30,000 steps long behind me, I feel like I have an infinite supply of appreciation.
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Cold
My heart of glass beat both brittle and warm this morning. Almost beyond my control, I found myself putting on my wireless headphones and walking to work. Despite the cold at 4 a.m. As I passed Pack Rat and the reflective pond, I looked up to see a shooting star falling and heading Northeast.
“If I had only known the last time would be the last time, I would have put off all the things I had to do…” It was pure synchronicity that the song Lynette had recommended to me was playing. Some songs resonate differently, and especially so when I’m the sole occupant of the entire trail.
I thought of Willie, Nelly, Barb and Barbara, Mike, Jimmy, Buck, Bobby Dean, and Carolyn. What they would do to be able to feel cold and their fingers tingle, looking up at the streak of illumination as it fell.
I could not hear the mockingbird but I knew it was out there, waiting for first light. My pace quickened. As the steps accumulated into the thousands, I no longer noticed the cold. I sang and whispered to the mockingbird.
My brittle heart unaccompanied on the cement path. Feeling happy. And thinking of all the people who no longer have the chance to feel the cold.
Love X
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“For The Birds”
I stopped at a hardware store on Township after work. Surprisingly, it’s named “The Hardware Store,” which confused me. I definitely wanted some watercolor art prints. I was shocked and pleased that they carried oversized outlet plates AND a huge variety of screws. I am now fully screwed, I’m pleased to report.
As the clerk checked me out, he inquired about my brooch. Being where he was, he of course didn’t refer to it as a “brooch.” No self-respecting retail clerk selling manly items would ever utter the word – even under threat of a whipping.
I laughed and asked if he wanted a rundown of possible answers.
“Ha! Of course,” he said and laughed.
“It’s a pilot’s license.”
“Really,” he seriously asked.
“Yes, it allows me to indiscriminately fly the bird anytime I wish to.” And I held up both birds using both hands to demonstrate.
Not expecting that, he laughed hard.
I listed a barrage of other explanations, some funny, some bizarre.
I’ll go back. Not just for the great supply of items, but also to test their credulity and sense of humor.
Love, X
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Pretxel Fish Is Born
What is Pretxel Fish? Arkansas’ newest LLC. Due to the craziness of my name, Arkansas had trouble understanding that my first name is just X. I used the ongoing bureaucratic melee as a reason to replace the ‘z’ in ‘pretzel’ with an X. If ‘xylophone’ can be pronounced with an X, anything can. (One of my favorite words is ‘xanthous,’ which has acquired new meaning lately.) What is Pretzel Fish, the name from which I derived my company name? A reminder to be grateful and to experience whatever is at your feet. Not the potential of what could be or what you’d like to be. You can make moves to change your life incrementally or you can adapt and find lemon moments where you are. It’s up to you and me. I’m not sure what I will do with this new business. And that lights me up a little with both humor and expectations.
Love, X
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A Lot Of Walking
I hit 10,000 steps by 6:00 a.m. One of my Fitbit competitors had to walk about 25 miles to catch up late last night.
Someone accused me of feeling superior for having lost a hundred pounds. There are a lot of reasons why people don’t be or become who they’re supposed to be. I admit I was very evangelical about my approach to weight loss. In part, because I did every bit of it only by changing my diet. Almost anything can be accomplished if you commit to increments and keep the promise to yourself that you’re going to do better. Part of the conundrum of life is that when you excel in one area, you tend to let other areas deteriorate. Each of us has limited time and focus and it is so easy to let the grind of the day distract us.
If I can ever figure out a way to channel my obsessive commitment to anything I set my mind to, I imagine that I will drive people crazy.
On second thought, I probably do that already. It is so easy to let criticism from people that don’t have you or your best interests in mind get in your head. Mine is too crowded to do more than give such criticism a passing inspection.
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just a chair
the chair too teensy
yet made immense by enthusiasm
(like life)
eleven elbows and twelve knees, it seemed
i paid a burdened price for my gaffes
yet decided to surrender to yes
instincts certain, my mind girded with laughter
fused into the chair
interlocking and surprising pieces
murmurs, whispers
time postponed yet winged
the chair, both metaphor and corporeal
you can fit if you will it
you can find a place for your too much or extra
and let the river of wrong
flow anew
just sit
Law of Increments In Action
I worked more on the horrible back of the apartment simplex. When it started raining, I kept going because it felt luxurious to be cooled by it. I was covered in mud and grime anyway. I have one more section of the 25′-30′ side alley that I can fill. I think it will be big enough to finish the entire stretch in the back. It’s unfathomable that I’m this close to finishing, considering how it looked when I started. The law of increments in action is something that is satisfying. That I did it all with a handsaw astonishes me. I’m certain that the landlords are going to be tired just imagining hauling it all away – assuming they ever do. And if they don’t, I’m scheduling a huge bonfire for May 7th.
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WTF-Time
“Lazy is a bad word. Shall we instead call it selective participation?” – The Internet
Today so far… woke up to laughter. Anytime 2 a.m. involves laughter is an auspicious day. And probably suspicious if I’m involved. There was heartache in the morning for someone I love and I hope she finds peace knowing she gave her presence in a time when it was most needed. I worked a bit, then came home and put wheels on my desk. Insert joke here! I built a wooden planter for sunflowers and installed it along the inside fence at this hideous apartment complex. Put up a shelf for random nonsense (I loathe specific nonsense.), one I repurposed and made from fence board. And then, because I couldn’t stand looking at it, I went outside (because that’s where trees and brush grows!) and cut away all the limbs and brush along the 50′ of the fence next to which I put in the planter. I’ve accumulated 4-5 truckloads of limbs and brush for ‘somebody’ to haul off; otherwise, the neighbors might stage an impromptu bonfire. I also picked up an entire bag of trash that somehow managed to get all over the complex since the last time I cleaned it. My back is still sore from all the previous festivities involved in “The Great Cleaning of 2022.” It’s 10 a.m. and I feel like I’ve accomplished a blizzard of activity. I’m going to go find some more laughter in a little while. My soul needs it. Enthusiasm is at a premium these days and I’m going to cash every bit of it in today.
“If you have to eat two frogs, eat the ugliest one first.” -Brian Tracy
X’s Frog Corollary: “If you have to kiss two people, at least one of them should be a woman.”
Remember that there are three distinct stages in life:
BIRTH
WTF
DEATH
The first two have already happened. Squeeze in as much wtf-time as you can, because it’s flying past with indifferent velocity. Otherwise, you’ll lose your health, your loved ones, or your life – only to look back and vehemently utter the phrase, “WTF happened to all the minutes?”
Love, X
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P.S. I made the picture out of several elements and rendered it.
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P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 